If That’s What You’re Into

Reader:  I am a new fan of your blog–57 years old, woman, two kids in college, 25 years of marriage in April, not enough sex, but some husband health issues, we shall see!  Still hot for a 57 year old–but 57 is not 27 or 37!
Anyway, I have always wondered about the following:  why do men love blow jobs so much?  I don’t really get it.  Does a mouth feel better than a vagina?  Is it the (perceived) subservience of the task?  (For me, it does not feel subservient in the least–happy to oblige, swallow cum, have teeth and know how to use them) Is it the opportunity to relax and not work so hard?
Please explain!
Athol:  The short answer is that a lot of sex is essentially guys doing things to the woman and this is her doing something to him. So she’s being sexually more active with him. Guys experience that as feeling that the woman is into him. That she’s really into the sex.
The longer answer is that there really is only one basic male sexual fantasy…
…. that the woman is into the sex.
If you remember any and all porn you’ve watched, or erotica that you’ve read, or whatever, see if you can see it through the lens of the woman is into the sex.
If it’s vanilla missionary position sex… the woman is into it.
If it’s a male-male-female threesome… the woman is into it.
If it’s two women together… both women are into it.
If it’s 6-10 guys doing a gang bang… the woman is into it.
If it’s a woman bouncing on balloons until they pop… the woman is into it.
If it’s a brutal spanking that makes her cry… afterwards she smiles and lets you know she was into it.
If it’s a pulsing facial… she smiles her way through it because she was into it.
If it’s her being tied up and teased… she’s into it.
If it’s rough anal… she squeals her way through it because she’s into it.
It’s it’s dressing up in mascot costumes and simulating sex together… she’s into it.
If it’s she dressing up in a Princess Leia costume and being held down and taken by someone dressed as Boba Fett while her real life husband is dressed as Han Solo and strapped into a chair with duct tape… she’s into it.
I’m quite serious that there’s really only one male fantasy… that the woman is into it.
So when you have your head bobbing up and down on your husbands cock and going “hmmmmmmmmm” as you do it, he thinks you’re into it. And that’s his fantasy. His fantasy is you.
Jennifer:  If something turns you on, your husband will usually find a way to like it too!


  1. Anonymous says:

    My boyfriend likes a bit of oral stimulation before the main event. He has told me that he likes seeing his cock in my mouth. Sometimes he likes me to get down on my knees and do it. I think it is partly a power thing with him. I don't mind.

    It is just foreplay for us though.


  2. Bravo. I've had IRL and online discussions with so many women about porn…the complaint is that it supposedly creates unrealistic expectations for sex acts. And I reply just as you have – the key factor of any porn is that the woman is into it.

    But then again, maybe that IS the unrealistic expectation to them.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Also, watching her pretty face swallowing my cock is a giant turn-on too. It's the visual. Basically my blowjob experience would be about 99% worse if I didn't think the girl was very hot.

  4. Anonymous says:

    I am not super hot (great legs tho', says my bf) but he does like to see my head bobbing away.


  5. Anonymous says:

    Ms. Reader: asking why men like B.J.s is like asking why women like cunnilingus.

    If he does not give you oral, you are missing out on the most mind-blowing orgasms. The first time a guy brought me to the finish line, I saw stars. Literally. Those little gold flecks shimmering in the air.

    If guys experience anything even close to this, I can completely understand the desire.

    That said, Athol's correct: enthusiasm is sexy. And you having an orgasm is proof to him that you enjoy sex as much as he does, and will want more.


  6. Jean-Luc LeGame says:

    Athol is right. I've actually lost my boner while receiving a very unenthusiastic blowjob. She was just trying to hurry and she was NOT into it, and it was a huge turn off.

  7. Anonymous says:

    "the key factor of any porn is that the woman is into it.

    But then again, maybe that IS the unrealistic expectation to them."

    We have a winner! To a lot of women, sex should be something that is done TO them, not something they DO. That way they can pretend that they are all precious, unsullied ladies who don't harbour dirty thoughts, and only do it out of necessity.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Absolute fact. I could probably cum with my clothes on if she just came on to me with enthusiasm and passion.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Bravo, Badger!! I've missed your voice here. As a woman, I can say this is dead on. Opening myself up sexually to my man has really opened up more of *me*, and I'm finding my fears relieved. He's into me as I'm into him.

    So many of us women are taught not to "be into the sex" because we'll just get left. "Only sluts do that."

  10. Chrissy says:

    Hahahaha!! I'd like to see my man do that! Sounds like a fun challenge!

  11. Reading these comments and thinking about the last article makes me rethink how men perceive a woman who isn't interested in receiving an orgasm with them.

    I can see a man seeing that whole interchange as she isn't interested enough in him to want an orgasm during sex. Does it change anything if she is enthusiastically doing things to him? If all she wants is to do things to him and make him orgasm and not have him do anything for her, is that okay?

    How does a woman meet the sexual needs of her husband when she isn't in a place where she is desirous of his sexual attention, but wants to keep him happy? Can one be "really into him" by being vocal and doing things to him while not being on the receiving end of anything?

  12. Anonymous says:

    I think that most of these women you are referring to would rather be perceived as excellent mothers, not excellent lovers.

    None of them wants to be thought of as a slutty mom, because the other moms will think she is wasting valuable resources (time & energy) on thinking between her legs, rather than focusing on the endless needs of her helpless children.

  13. Anonymous says:

    "If all she wants is to do things to him and make him orgasm and not have him do anything for her, is that okay?…..Can one be "really into him" by being vocal and doing things to him while not being on the receiving end of anything?"

    NO and NO. This will get boring, tiresome, and irritating before too long. She will view you as needy. Why can't you just jerk off in the shower? She's tired and would rather spend those 20 minutes catching up on sleep.

    See? Now you're selfish and demanding. She's becoming resentful. The kids are already pulling on her for this and that, and now you too? Can't you see that the kids come first?

    (I am not on of these women)


  14. Red,
    I say yes.

    If he thinks you are having a good time, he's happy to take the pass (unless it's *always* a pass).

  15. Anonymous says:

    Agree that an occasional pass is fine, if the woman is into it at other times. Sometimes husbands just like to "go for it," so the wife taking a pass on an orgasm allows him to do that. Again, this assumes that she is generally into him sexually and they are both having "fun with orgasms" most of the time.

  16. Stargate Girl says:

    "If he does not give you oral, you are missing out on the most mind-blowing orgasms"

    Eh…. not for every woman. Clitoral orgasms, like those from oral, hit sharp and hard and then fade away…

    P-V does it for me. I see stars.My whole body gets involved. It's quite mind blowing for me. I enjoy oral, but it doesn't leave me satisfied like other activities do.

  17. I guess that's the rub…it isn't always a pass, but more times than not it is. I get annoyed that he has an issue with me not wanting one, but isn't interested in doing the things that would make me want one. So I do it for him but I don't do it resentfully.

    I don't view him as needy or selfish and don't mind having sex as often as he wants or in whatever way he wants…as long as he doesn't push me to accept oral attention from him or insist I have an orgasm with him.

    I will happily give him an orgasm as frequently and in whatever way he wants, but I rarely want one with him.

  18. Ian Ironwood says:

    Maybe thirty years ago. But the terms "Cougar" and "MILF" are the only two words in the English language that positively denote a sexually active woman. A "slutty mom" these days is a MILF, and no one minds being thought of as a MILF. As a matter of fact, based on the discussion at the most recent PTA meeting, a mom who isn't sexually active (presumably with her husband) is pitied (overheard some gossip in reference to messy divorce — "pretty piss-poor wife who can't handle taking care of just one man).

    These days, if a wife isn't gettin' it regular, everyone knows there is something wrong with her marriage.

  19. Anonymous says:

    I think that this is why a lot of those "how to be a good wife" type of books advise women to fake being into if they aren't. That seems really dishonest though.

  20. Anonymous says:

    That makes me sad. I have to say that I get the most pleasure out of bringing my woman to an orgasm.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Yeah, but I don't know what the answer is. If she never feels it, what are you going to do? Give up? I certainly would if my wife never got hot and bothered.

  22. Anonymous says:

    I'll still bet dollars to donuts there are plenty of women who are quietly relieved that they aren't having to put up with their husbands' "beastliness".

  23. Anonymous says:

    Anon 11:44 a.m.: would you give up if you discovered that she faked it with you every time?

    For all the talk about Cougars and MILFs, women are obviously still faking it — only now they have to fake their "great" sex lives with other women. (Really — have divorce rates and male infidelity rates dropped? Nope.)

    This forum wouldn't be necessary if all husbands were getting laid by orgasmic nymphomaniac wives.

  24. Anonymous says:

    "I will happily give him an orgasm as frequently and in whatever way he wants, but I rarely want one with him."

    Red, I would guess your husband would be crushed to know this. I would question my lovemaking abilities.

  25. Anonymous says:

    Go to a school. Look at the women dropping off kids. At least half would be mortified to be thought of as a "milf". They would find the whole thing distasteful, embarrassing, degrading etc etc.

    Source: lots of women at several schools.

  26. Anonymous says:

    Ah, now we get to the heart of it.

    My ex always complained that I wasn't into him. Whined, begged and pleaded, which lowered his sex rank even more. And, I really wasn't.

    But he decided, without any communication, that because I loked P-V and some oral, and hated tickling, that endless foreplay and P-V was all I ever wanted. I got bored. He got whinier. Eventually he went elsewhere.

    My question is, why on Earth didn't he try anything else? I hate tickling and overly gentle, but he never thought to try rough. He'd ask, "what do you want?" I'd respond "I don't know" (I was pretty clueless/innocent in my youth), and he'd give up.

    How could I be into it with someone who was so obviously not into me?


  27. Anonymous says:

    Run the MAP. She is more likely to "feel" it if you are the best mix of alpha and beta you can be.

  28. Anonymous says:

    Guys everywhere in the culture are taught to be gentle and not too physical. It takes alot for a guy who has had that pushed down his throat all his life to overcome that. I know I hate giving specific instruction because that takes away from the joy of discovery but sometimes it is necessary.

  29. Anonymous says:

    I have trouble reaching orgasms during intercourse. But I like to keep him happy. Like Red, I don't always care. I think my boyfriend is a bit selfish in bed, but he is a good guy in other ways. Bed is only one part of a life together.


  30. IndyGuy77 says:

    Unbridled enthusiasm with a woman is so incredibly sexy. It shows that she's dying to take me into her, in whatever way that is. It's simply beautiful to feel so accepted.

    And I don't buy the "it hurts" excuse at all. Like every other physical activity, it's all about managing the tension.

    If I can be relaxed enough to eat pussy for a LONG TIME, she can learn to relax enough to blow me.

  31. IndyGuy77 says:

    I've always had the tendency to hold back. It's hard to overcome for me because vigorous thrusting seems like it would hurt.

    Having a woman that is aware enough to beg me to bang her harder would help, but most women have issues asking for what they want.

    But having any woman screaming or gasping "harder" would be way better than just lying there and her not getting what her body is telling her what she wants.

  32. IndyGuy77 says:

    Adding to that, having a woman tell you outright that it DOES hurt and letting out a scream or a yelp during hard thrusting really makes you wonder the right amount of screwing to apply.

    Dang labors of love….

  33. Anonymous says:


    Well I know what I want most of the time – to be fucked really hard. My boyfriend is willing to do this. It is a pity that so many men are nervous of really fucking a girl hard. We are not made of glass, you know LOL.


  34. Anonymous says:

    Athol: There are two types of women writing in.

    1.) GF who has orgasms and intiates sex prior to marriage, but loses interest in husband over the years. He begins MAP, wins back the happy days.

    2.) GF who does not have orgasms and fakes enthusiasm, marries BF, and then continues to fake enthusiasm under self-imposed ultimatum of "I'd better do this or he'll find a mistress who's into orgasms."

    Can the MAP even work in situation #2? Or is he just wasting his time with a wife who's either gay or asexual?

  35. Anonymous says:

    Indyguy77 "Adding to that, having a woman tell you outright that it DOES hurt and letting out a scream or a yelp during hard thrusting really makes you wonder the right amount of screwing to apply."

    Hey, I hope you're using lube, and also, if you stroke too deep you might be hitting her cervix. This is like hitting your funny bone in your elbow. Seriously, it hurts and is an instant turnoff.


  36. Anonymous says:

    There is some wisdom in the "fake it 'til you make it" idea.

  37. IndyGuy77 says:

    If she's sufficiently-lubed via natural means to allow smooth insertion, I'm not even thinking of using artificial lube. I like lots of kissing and other foreplay so it's almost never been an issue except in quickies.

    And I have bottomed out and hit the cervix, it can be easy, depending on the angle.

    But while I've not had any women tell me so, I've had some men say their women like it when the cervix gets hit. In my experience, it's usually not an enjoyed sensation. But I know women vary so… I guess I don't know.

  38. My husband isn't happy when I don't want to receive his attentions, even if I'm enthusiastically willing to have sex with him, but he isn't unhappy enough to make changes in our dynamic…changes that would have a direct effect in our sex.

  39. I think it would matter in situation 2 why she faked enthusiasm in the first place. Is he a selfish lover? Unwilling to alter his techniques or do things differently? Is she shy and hesitant to tell him how to please her? Is he unresponsive to her outside of the bedroom but expecting her to be ready and willing in the bedroom? Is she just with him for the status/money/stuff and enduring the sex? Perhaps she has told him what turns her on and he still hasn't tried anything new?

    I'd imagine Athol would say whatever the reason, the MAP is either going to help or put him in a better place to leave.

  40. Anonymous says:

    This post is a great example of why one should not marry a virgin.

    Test drive before you buy. There are many cars out there to choose from; no need to settle for a defective model.

  41. Anonymous says:

    I like it when my cervix is hit. I mean, it doesn't really bother me.


  42. Anonymous says:

    Why is it so difficult for women to figure out why men like blowjobs? This is not rocket science girls.

    Thank of it like this. You can rub your own feet. Why do you like it better when someone else does it? I can rub my back against a wall if I want. But feels so much better when my wife does it.

    And it is not a power thing. It is just something that feels good.

  43. Anonymous says:

    It is a power thing for my boyfriend. He has told me so. Dominance.


  44. IndyGuy77 says:

    I don't know that I'd agree with that. I've had kissing sessions that seemed to erupt into orgasm. And not in the crotchal area, but it seemed to define "soul kiss" for sure.

    If my virgin bride-to-be could put her panting and sweaty all into a "mere" kiss, I'd probably be willing to chance that I can coax her inner slut out on the wedding night.

  45. Anonymous says:

    It's a bunch of things. There's the dominance aspect, the visual, and if done properly it feels great. It's rare for me to have a full on sexual session that is short. My gfs blowjobs take no longer than 5 mins.

  46. Anonymous says:

    Wow. I'm a man and it never occurred to me to think of it as a dominance thing.

    How about that. Another reason to love BJ's.

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