Reader: 2 points i’d like to add to this discussion:
1. I’m a 30 year old woman and my number is 2. The first 11 years with husband 1 (i was also his first) and now with what will become husband 2 (he’s been with a total of 5) and i will say that the potential for insecurities regarding sex is SOOOOO much higher with number 2! With number 1, he never wondered if his dick was big enough or if he lasted long enough..and neither did I. It was just fact. We never fanisized about other people because all our early sexual experiences were with each other so it was always “remember when” in a good way…With number 2, both of us wonder “did he like the girl with the nice ass, better than he likes big tits?” “does she miss a circumcised penis?” etc. That stuff IS there and it totally wasnt with the first. There’s a level of uncertaintly, which i would expect climbs as your number climbs.
2. I’m mostly a monogomist, but I’ve also been poly for a short while. Guess what happend? I left my husband for my boyfriend. My husband figured when we started “this guy is zero risk, she’d never be stupid enough to leave for him” so he was NEVER jealous. Right up to the very end, he thought he had the boyfriend beat in every catigory….but after a year of hearing “i would NEVER share you if you were mine” from my boyfriend as he got his life in order, i began to resent that my husband didn’t feel that way. I felt that i must be worth very little to him if he didn’t care. The divorce completely crushed him as he didn’t really see it coming. I got things from my boyfriend that I ididn’t get from my husband – passion, play/fun, intense emotion (both my first husband and myself are decidedly practical in all maters, but I didn’t know i LIKED passion, until I had a taste of it…)I thought I had a handle on things, but i fell in love before I knew it was happening and began to resent my husband. I didnt mean for any of that to happen, but it’s what happened. I will never invite another person into my relationship again. I just put this out there, not that people who are happy with poly have to stop, but as a little bit of a warning to people who might be toying with swinging out of bordom. Even if it starts off meaningless, it might not end that way…it’s just too much risk….
Athol: Your second husband actively strategized to steal you from your first husband for over a year. He meant for it to happen.
The “If you were my wife I wouldn’t share you” line endlessly repeated is the classic husband poaching move. It’s quite intentionally designed to make it look like your husband doesn’t value you, and your lover does. It works so well because it’s true.
So gentlemen, as I’ve said before, I don’t have a moral qualm about non-monogamy. It’s simply another sexual strategy among many. However, the golden rule of swinging / polyamory / cuckolding / open marriage is that you MUST be the most sexually attractive man in whatever is happening. Otherwise push comes to shove, you risk straight up losing your wife to the other man.
If you’re willing to risk losing your wife to gain a few extra exciting sexual encounters, it’s an awful lot to risk unless you don’t actually value her. Once it all falls apart the emotional devastation on the other end is going to be quite spectacular for you. It’s one thing to have your marriage fall apart and a whole other level of nausea to realize that you actively strategized to ruin everything. Once the divorce goes through, you’ll have basically paid half your net worth to another guy to steal your wife.
You risk everything for some additional hot sex. The other man risks nothing for some additional hot sex. Don’t wonder why your wife starts to think you’re a total idiot.