Maybe Isn’t A No, It Means Keep Talking…

Athol:  A selection of comments from Flipper…
Flipper: Email exchange sent- she can’t get texts in her office. “Subject: I’m feeling like taking a ride tonight, body: to pound town.  You coming?” 
Her response: “Maybe……”
How do I proceed?
Athol:  You opening question is fine. Her response is “I’m almost interested, can you sell me a little more?”
Flipper:  I went with “If you don’t want to come, that’s your choice.  Then I  can get there exactly how I want to without you giving me direction.”
Athol:  Eeek! Your response basically said, “Well fuck you then, you’re kind of a bossy bitch.” So don’t say that.
Flipper:  This is why I come to this site. I didn’t get a reply from the second one.  I’ve got a lot to learn for sure.  One problem I do have is that it is work email and I can’t use words that are going to trip the spam filters.  So I have to outsmart the filters and use innocent words even if the message is supposed to be saucy.
Athol:  Okay… for now, you should apologize for being cranky with her, and then say you just feel kinda bad tempered today and if you come home you’re just going to be cranky at home too, so you should take some space and go do something to relax / calm down rather than pick on her all night. Go ride go-karts, or smack some balls in a batting cage or something completely benign and male.
Okay… next time around… Jane you’re up…
Jane:  You don’t want to come off in a way that every makes her feel like she’s not wanted.  If your goal is more sex,  you’ve GOT to leave room for her to keep her pride and come with you and you’ve got to TURN HER ON if you want her to come to you.   I’m positive the first email got a smile, it’s very cute and silly.  At that point, she’s sexually neutral, but she’s open to more interaction with you.  She responded in a “if you play your cards right” kinda way.   The problem is, that your response was the equivalent of walking away from the table.  Yeah she could follow u, but she’s not turned on, so there’s no reason to get up out of her chair.
You have to keep playing all day long and you’ll get more an more escalation.   if you keep your cute frame about taking a trip, you can go along the vein of kidnapping her for the ride if she’s generally turned on rape fantasy stuff, you could come back with an email about stopping for something to eat on the way if she’s into oral, you can bring back elements of maybe some memories of car sex you guys have had in the past.
Or you can toss it back in her court with “what do i have to do to get you to yes” (I actually think a while back Athol had a good post where he escalates using a car salesman style sexual escalation – “I could thow in hair pulling for free” etc) but even tossing it back, gives her the chance to play back with you “i might be interested if you threw in a back rub” etc…it’s the GAME that’s the turn on.  It’s the break from the monotony of the day where she’s thinking about you and your evening all day and getting slowly progressively more turned on.
Athol:  I like this Jane, she can stay. (Gives Jane a chocolate.)
If you can’t text her because of the cell phone reception, and have to email her only on her work computer and have to avoid the naughty words, then you have to work around that by setting some code words like people used for prostitution services in the “Help Wanted” section of newspapers back in the olden days of the New Zealand Herald. Though I guess I might have completely misunderstood what Busty Brianna was offering by advertising “French Polishing” for $100 an hour.
My suggestion is discussion of an ongoing plumbing problem in your house. It lends itself well to metaphor…
The water pressure seems unusually high today…
The sink in the master bathroom is dripping again…
So shall I go to Home Depot for a new faucet, or do you want to come pick one out with me?
There seems to be a lot of hair clogging the bathroom sink, I’m going to remove it all tonight.
Oy… there’s six inches of water in the basement waiting for you when you get home.
Gonna try and fix the shower head tonight, but I’ll need your help for a few minutes.
Careful with the spray hose in the kitchen, it’s jammed and it will soak you if you try to use it.
Otherwise as Jane suggested, just keep it playful and engaging and keep it going until she folds and wants to cum with you.
If all else fails, tell her if she comes and behaves herself she can control the radio in the car on the way back. Say that with a very naughty boy look to her.
Jennifer:  Apparently my mind isn’t dirty enough to get all the metaphors…don’t know if that’s disturbing or comforting…)

Sex Life When The Captain Is Deployed On An Away Mission

Reader:  Dear Athol, Thanks for taking the time to respond to my email. I needed to take care of the bigger questions before committing fully to the plan.
I’ve got another concern if you don’t mind.  I work away from home about 40% of the time, for periods of 3-6 weeks at a time.  This has contributed to the imbalance in the relationship. 
I’ve definitely been raised to prioritize beta traits and I’m doing much too well with that! My default behaviour has previously been to bend over backwards for her when I come home.
When I come home to my wife and two young kids (2 and 4) she naturally has complete control of the household and I think it’s been tricky taking back control of the ‘bridge’. Of course the first thing I want to do is rip her clothes off the minute I’m through the door, but because she’s had to be ‘captain’ for a month, I find myself having to resort to pleading in order to get through about what I need (I know better now…).  Naturally her rationale is that she’s tired from looking after the kids on her own – and that’s entirely understandable.  The problem is that I feel she’s completely turned off and unreceptive.  It’s like she doesn’t think about me while I’m away.
What I’d like to happen is for her to be excited (sexually) that I’m home. That she’s missed me, has thought about me, and is even perhaps unsettled that I might have strayed while away.  If she’s tired I can understand, we don’t have to have sex right away.  But I think she can be tired and want me at the same time – they don’t have to be mutually exclusive feelings, do they?   As you say so well in your book, it’s at times like these that I feel most cheated out of our contract.
Once my MAP has been put into action for a while, I imagine it’s only a matter of time before she gets used to me being back and starts enjoying and looking forward to relinquishing control.  Do you have any previous blog posts or just a few pointers about making this transition successful?  Is the best approach to set a precedent before I go away so that she misses her ‘captain’?  Is there anything I can do while.
Many thanks again, your help is priceless.
Athol:  I’m going to do a post on this tomorrow. The short answer being you have to maintain a connection while you are away. You don’t stop being the Captain when you go on your business trips.
Do you call a lot?  Skype and talk to the kids?  Phone sex with her? Flirt? Sext?  Video chat and sex with her?
Also do you make a point of relieving her from duty and taking the kids off her hands completely when you come back for a day or two?
Reader:  I’m glad you’ve decided to do a post on this.  I’m sure many of your readers have similar situations.  See my answers below:
“Kids off her hands when you come back question?”
It’s a valid point, but she gets help at home from a relative and we also pay for a nanny that comes in part-time. So when I’m home I do take the kids away for a few hours for the first couple of days to do things with them (and because I’ve missed them so much), but what happens most of the time is that she decides to tag along because she wants us to be all together.
“Sexy time via Skype question”
We maintain a good connection, but not sexually.  I brought up the issue of her sex drive while we’re away and why she never touches herself, which I thought was quite revealing.  So I bought her a quality vibrator and she has used a few times, but not regularly.
Something interesting happened a few nights ago – I was chatting with her and she’d had a glass of wine and I after a few sexy texts, I REQUESTED she show me some skin on the webcam.  Her first (and standard) reaction was ‘I’m shy, it’s been so long darling’…  What I would normally do is back down!  But this time, because I’ve finished reading your book and wanted to things to go differently, I said:  “I’m going to call you on the webcam in 3 minutes, and when you answer, you’re going to give me a nice surprise”.  To which she answered, after a pause, “ok, but only if I get a surprise from you as well”.  I couldn’t believe it!  It was like I had just called her bluff and she was glad…
Following that success and according to my new knowledge(!), the next time I go away we’re going to have ‘date nights’ through the webcam.  This will be a requirement.  There’s absolutely no reason we can’t find the time to do this once or twice a week.
Thanks again Athol, you’re the man.
Athol:  Adding on to this,  I think you’re just staying focused on what you can do rather than what you can’t. You can’t kiss and cuddle each other, but you can have a good conversation with each other. You can’t have sex with each other, but you can watch each other be sexual. You can’t playfight the kids, but you can read them a bedtime story. You can’t open the mail, but you can talk about the bills and make decisions with her.
In short, you’re on an away mission, but you still have to be the Captain and stay in contact with the ship.
If you’re frequently away, there’s nothing much better than getting a laptop with a built in camera and loading Skype. It’s free and you can video chat “hands free”.
It’s well worth buying a good quality vibrator for her too. You want her to stay sexually active while you’re away, just not with some other guy. So she should be encouraged to masturbate to stay in sexual shape. Use it or lose it.
I mean women have phone sex and webcam sex with their lovers all the time. Be her lover.
And yeah…. do try and get to the ripping her clothes off thing as soon as possible after coming through the door!

Wife Said Stop Sexting Me And Then Jumped Him In The Shower…

Reader:  (yada yada yada redacted) ….and this gets to my question.  I am also being a playful ass with my wife.  Nothing harsh or mean just little comments about sex, her, us, what ever pops into my mind. And this is getting to my question, which I think know the answer.  Yesterday I sent a text asking for the color of her panties.  No response. She texted me later and said “Have fun at the gym, see your sore ass later tonight!”.  I responded back “that is not the only thing that is going to be sore”.  No response.  After the gym she mentioned my comments and said don’t do it. what if someone sees her texts.  She also said I should date a stripper.  The stripper part was a joke.  I told her I was an ass but did not apologize.  Last night I am taking a shower she jumps in and then jumps me.  Sex in the shower does happen, but normally I say lets go or she mentions before getting in the shower.  Last night it was just there in my lap before I knew it.  Obviously she knew we were going get busy that night b/c of my text but she took the initiative.
So the question is, should I not play with her via text or should I ignore her requests to stop?
Athol:  So she told you not to text her sexy things (talk), but jumped you in the shower (action) after you texted her sexy things?
Actual message – You texting me sexy things makes me horny as hell. So I’d keep it up without being overwhelming about it.
Jennifer: And there is a line here…for me, a few times a day is sexy, a few times an hour while I’m really trying to be productive, I’m driving, or I’m in a meeting is obnoxious.  (If he gets the “love you, in a meeting” text back from me, he waits to start the game up again when I give him the all clear.)
Athol:  We actually have each other GPS tagged on our phones so if I do see her out on an appointment, I never sext her.
Anyway… Women really like being treated like sex objects by guys they are attracted to. For sure they don’t want it 24/7, but at least for some of their day. Virtually every affair these days involves hundreds if not thousands of text messages between the two parties. A fair bit of those texts are going to be sexually orientated. Women like this, you just have to persist a little and keep asking for a little more. Act like you were her lover.
The trick is try and step up the intensity when she’s ovulating and establish a new baseline of comfort. So month one you can sext some basic teasing, and when she’s ovulating you can bump it up to “What color are your panties?”
After she’s told you panty color once, you’ve broken that barrier and she’s going to do it again, so you can keep asking that. Next time she ovulates, you can ask for a cleavage pic or a panty pic and see what you get. If she complies, then you’ve broken that barrier too and you can ask for that more through the rest of the month.
Next time she ovulates, ask for a pic of her boobs and see if she does that. If she does… woo-hoo, you’re wearing her down baby, you’re wearing her down.
Next month you’re going for pussy shots and upgrade after that to whatever your personal kink is.
Importantly, never ever ever show these to anyone else. Things have a way of coming around and biting you unexpectedly. It’s also fun sometimes to snap pictures of each other doing fun stuff once in a while too. She’s very likely going to be nervous as hell about that the first time, so delete them all with her assistance right afterwards. Keep deleting them after that, unless she wants to keep them, whereupon you forward them to her, and delete them from your phone.
And when you ask for sexts and pics, never apologize or take it back. If you ask, just wait for a reply and don’t reply to her until she replies to you. Just be patient and see what happens.
Anyway, I wore Jennifer down on this one ages back, I’m well beyond getting vanilla tits and ass photos. These days I’m totally getting pictures of her ironing my shirts.
Jennifer: lol it’s true…the shirt ironing picture is a classic.  I would only ad that from a mushy female perspective I also like the purely “I love you” or “Thinking about you…hope you’re having a good day” kind of texts.
Athol:  Which is to say, she likes the Beta texts and the Alpha ones. Mix and match. Chicken Monkey Duck.
Jennifer: Damnit let me get the last word! If she’s jumping you in the shower it’s all good. If she’s yelling at you stop.

WordPress 2012 Primer Coaching

It takes a really long time to become an overnight success.

In 2009 I was posting on forums.

In 2010 I started MMSL and wrote all year and made no money at all.
In 2011 I was “The blogger with a book” and made a decent amount of cash, but still was basically a nurse.
2012 is the year of transition to quitting the day job and doing MMSL full time.

Part of the delay in the 2012 Primer is I’ll be moving to a WordPress platform at the end of March and that’s a sizable undertaking. We need the blogsite moved and stable before releasing the book. And yes MMSL will blink out of existence for a short period and return. So don’t panic. I really love Blogger, but the WordPress platform looks more polished so that’s where I’ve got to go.

I’m aiming for an April 11th release day for the 2012 Primer, so posting and email response times between now and then might diminish a little. I’m really not one of those people that can “write a little bit here and there” over a year, I pretty much have to crunch it out in one massive push.

That being said, I’m very happy with what I’ve got so far and I can already see it is going to be an all around stronger book. Closer to release day I’ll have a changelog so people with the 2011 can better decide if they want to buy the 2012. And no I can’t give you the 2012 edition free if you brought the 2011 edition, for much the same reasons that buying a banana does not entitle you to a lifetime supply of bananas.

After that lot is done, I’m finally going to be offering individual phone/Skype coaching and shooting for that some time in May. Many details of that to sort out as yet.

 Depending on how that does and book sales go, full time MMSL may happen sooner rather than later. After that, I can do all kinds of fun stuff…

So for right now, if those bloggers or other media types wanting review copies of the 2012 Primer can email me that would be great.  Athol(dot)Kay@Gmail(dot)com

Jennifer: So close to full time MMSL! Woo-hoo! 

I Break Down And Hit Something New

So anyway, I have a little confession to make.
I’ve struggled with boredom for a long time now and I just wanted something… well… new.
It started online and I guess I moved things ahead quickly because I know what I’m doing. A few days later I had arranged to be home during the day and the front door bell rings and BAM! it’s all on. I immediately picked up all hundred pounds, carried into the house and started the hooking up process for real. Slapped on the protective gear and just started the pounding.
Once I started I couldn’t believe how much I enjoyed it. Why have I not done this before now???
Okay I gotta admit, the first time was a little shorter than I expected lol, but the next time was longer and more fun. I didn’t plan to tell Jennifer at first, but she came home in the middle of the second movement so to speak and the noises are pretty unmistakable I guess.
So in the middle of it I hear Jennifer yelling “What are you doing?” and I stop and we had the short conversation. I’m sweaty and still obviously wearing the protective gear and bring her up to speed, then go all Alpha and say she can watch if she likes but I’ve got my groove on and I’m just not stopping. She sneaks a peek, then kisses me and tells me to have fun and goes to do laundry.
I shit you not.
Jennifer:  My husband is evil! He bought a punching bag from Wal-Mart lol.
Athol:  Surprisingly cheap to buy and ship. Something fun and different for exercise. Plus I really think I get a testosterone boost on punching bag days.  I got this one.
JenniferImpressively noisy workouts…

We Need To Talk

Reader:  I have GOT to get my husband to read this stuff. Somehow. I’m in hell right now; he loves me, probably too much, and that is both not enough and too much. Suddenly I see why. The inability to make a freaking decision, even over the seemingly simplest things, the excess forty, fifty pounds, the directionlessness in his career… I’ve tried to be supportive and properly subordinate but it’s like that just makes it worse. Nagging would only make things SO much worse so I don’t. But the attraction is disappearing, FAST. I am actively holding my tongue! Oh, and the baby-talk. Look, once in awhile is ok but it’s like that’s his default mode when talking to me now. It is embarrassing.

I mean, 15-20 lbs over, I can overlook, sure. I’m not looking for Adonis. but it’s rapidly getting out of hand. Then the way he comes onto me for sex, it’s like, here, I’ll feel your tits. Ready now? Uh, I guess!

Then his coworker shows up… I’m sure you know where this is going. Other guy kisses like he means it, like his entire body and soul mean it. and those eyes! My god, the look in his eyes is killing me. He never blinks. Then touches my face. omg.

I want to make it stop. OR, really, the rational, logical side of me wants to make it stop. The side of me that just wants to live doesn’t care whether living ends tomorrow, or sixty years from now.

Athol: If you don’t give your husband a fair warning, you will have decided to set yourself on a path where you’ll have to live with yourself inflicting the most terrible pain on him.
So hurt him somewhat now and come clean, or let it fester and really destroy him. The Primer should about scare the crap out of him and give him a plan to make changes.
Good luck.

Our House, Is A Very Very @#$%ing House

It’s 2006…
… gotta think that in 2012 John is totally screwed as a result of folding on that conversation.
Here’s the thing, women quite like houses, there’s this huge nesting instinct driving that and it’s not going to go away any time soon. Big house good. Small house bad. After that the Rationalization Hamster engages and it’s “the children, the children, the children, the children” until you’re shamed into buying the big house, or the nicer house, or the house over there next to the thing that’s for the children.
Most Fitness Tests that you fail affect you for a day or two, or maybe a couple weeks. But if you buy more house than you can really afford, you’re going to set yourself up for several years of dealing with a bad decision. It creates a massive structural problem for which there may really be no proper solution other than the financial equivalent of reaching into a wood-chipper.
It’s really hard to Game your way out of a low sex marriage if you can’t exercise, help around the house, play with your kids and generally be romantic toward your wife because you need to work an extra job to pay for the house. Her watching every penny and juggling the robbing Peter to pay Paul routine for years on end isn’t conducive to her wanting to make sexy time.
For the record, that video is painfully true for Jennifer and myself. Jennifer not as bitchy as the chick in the ad, more excited than anything and me not willing to pop her bubble about it. We botched on this one in 2006 and it’s been a major strain on us for the last six years. There’s some more complications to all that, but it all sums out to a less perfect decision than it seemed at the time.
The numbers at the time were basically okay as well, but close to our limit of affordability. Then I had an unexpected large dip in my income and the price of heating oil went way way up. There’s a few other missteps along the way as well, but the house drives the lions share of the overall problem.
A year ago we were in a very bad place, and now we’re about three months from all the credit cards being paid off and just the mortgage as the only debt we carry. So there’s a happy ending, but damn I’m tired from this double duty routine for the last two years. I don’t regret starting MMSL for a moment, but when I say I’m thankful for everyone that’s bought a book… I really am thankful.
And to be fair, this has been a great place to live for our kids. The last neighbourhood wasn’t terrible, but we’re somewhere safe enough for the kids to walk themselves and the local school is better. So there have been good things along with the less good things.
Jennifer and I have learned our lesson with this one well and truly. We’ve already identified where we want to move to next and if you want to play guessing games in the comments – airline hub city, warm weather, condo, gayborhood, public transport system, more things to do and better cost of living than Connecticut (that last one doesn’t narrow it down much at all). But we have many small steps to make before that happens and the likely date is 2018 unless I suddenly make so much money that when I go to make deposits, the man running the local branch of our bank starts to spontaneously ovulate.
So anyway, until then… we still have this fucking house.
And for the record, Jennifer gets very upset about this particular issue and feels guilty about it. And being stuck in the house means that aspect of things doesn’t get to vanish easily either. This remains a sore spot for us and people shitting on her in the comments will be deleted just as fast as I get to them.
As the Captain, I’ve taken responsiblity for this mistake. It’s more my fault than hers. No fair claiming leadership rights and not also carrying the can if you make bad leadership decisions.

Military Wife Selection Is Serious

Reader:  I sent this to Vox at Alpha game as well….Hi I’m needing some advice about what to do about my girlfriend and you seem to be the best option at the moment. I’m 19 she’s 20 and we’ve been dating on and off for 3 years now. Her grandmother( who she trusts the most)  has had at least 3 divorces and her mom is probably bipolar. I’ve been the one to call things off with her the times that we did split up. I called things off with her because she became increasingly disrespectful and mocking as the relationship progressed. I would get sick of it and break it off with her. My gf and I are once again in a simliar position and right now shes pushing me to marry her in spite of the fact that I cannot find work and am probably joining the Air Force for work. With all her family history and the state of the family court system im more than a little hesitant. We’re both virgins although shes had a lot of highschool boyfriends, some who have come back through the woodwork to cause issues.

Athol:  Short answer…. Oh hell no!

Longer answer…. Alarm surprise statement extreme negatory. Suggest alternate course action improved probability positive outcome. Recommend deploy escape route transversing asteroid field.

Vox said exactly the same thing I did, but with less of a cool geeky style. (You’re welcome ladies!)

Look… you have to have positive reasons to get married, not concerns about why you shouldn’t. I think the scorecard is about 0-8 on that count.

And not for nothing, you really want to be especially careful on the issue of wife choice should you ever intend to join a military service. The divorce, infidelity and non-paternity risks are higher with military marriages than civilian ones. Unless you start off with a great woman, you should simply expect serious difficulties down the line.

Even with a great woman you’re going to have some long periods of walking uphill. There’s the obvious strain of deployments, uprooting constantly, and essentially what amounts to a difficult day to day family life. There’s going to be things that you’re just going to miss out on when you’re away. Your kid walking for the first time and stuff like that. There’s no way to buy those moments back.

Unless she’s actively saying that she’s down to be a military wife, and she actually has a genuine concept of what that means, I’ll bet it all comes to tears for you in the end if you marry her. It’s a job for her as much as it is for you.

Jennifer:  Three years long distance before we married was enough for me. I couldn’t imagine Athol having to go away for a year at random being at all fun. I have a ton of respect and appreciation for those military spouses who do make it work and for those who serve in the military, but these two particular people really don’t seem to be good candidates for making it work together.

Athol:  So did you find yourself snorting at the line that they were both virgins?

Jennifer:  Yeah she’s not. Not even close.

Athol:  Something something something dark side….. you have been well trained my apprentice…

Jennifer:  Shoot me now.

Betaization Theme Music

Jan Van Halen on clarinet.

Dance With The One That Brung Ya

On “When She’s Just Waiting For The Hammer.”

Some basic framing for Phase Four of the MAP

(1) I expect you to have a good sexual relationship with me / I expect you to be attractive as you can.
(2) I expect you to hold up your end of the marriage and be productive as a good wife.
(3) Defeatist talk about our relationship is unacceptable. I expect you to support the relationship.
(4) As long as you do (1), (2) and (3) you will never need fear that I will leave you or cheat on you.
(5) I really do have strong feelings for you.

Reader:  Numbers 1 and 2 could be a deep blow to some wives. Number 1 might be hard for someone like OP’s wife to hear because she probably thinks that at 3x a week, they DO have a good sexual relationship or at least as good as she can manage. I wonder if these requirements will actually make her withdraw more but maybe that is the point(?). If she withdraws from the demands, he is free to leave?

Jennifer, since you imply you went through this, I wonder if you rolled up your sleeves and got to work on these things right away or did you have a period of shock and dismay where you withdrew before deciding to forge ahead?

Athol:  Okay…. I got to immediately question how (2) “Hold up your end of the relationship” is going to be a “deep blow to some wives”?  If that’s a deep blow to a wife, the husband is probably going to be well rid of her.

Circling back to the original post though, the husband was hotter than the wife, and the wife was already questioning him as to when he was going to pull the rug out from under her feet and divorce her to be with someone else younger and hotter.

What you have to understand is that those five points in the frame, aren’t actually increasing the threat level to the wife. She’s already imagining much worse than that and just waiting for it to happen. What that frame actually does is reassure her that there are objective and fair levels of behavior she can realistically perform, and she won’t be dumped even if there is someone younger and hotter available to her husband.

Or put another way. If you stick to your vows, I’ll stick to mine.

Part of what caused me to stumble into the realm of Game was the desire to seduce a particular someone else a few years back. It eventually became obvious that I would likely succeed in that goal if I wanted to advance things, and if not with her, with other women if I wanted to. However in fairness to Jennifer I had to admit that she was being quite sexual with me, was basically being just fine as a wife and mother, and generally still excited about being married to me. Cheating on her would genuinely make me the bad guy. So I didn’t. I also don’t toe punt kittens.

Which is not to say that was anything other than a confusing, awkward and painful time for the both of us. We’d had well over a decade of peaceful bliss together, and I went a bit Batshit Crazy on Jennifer aka Mid-Life Crisis and we came out the other side intact. In no small part MMSL is a happy side effect of that period. Jennifer and I are happier than we’ve ever been.

So ultimately I think our agreement together runs along those lines in the frame. Jennifer is being a great wife and I’ve got a healthy dose of “Pikachu I choose you!” running through my veins as well.

Jennifer:  Points 1-4 are kind of the blueprint of Athol’s marriage expectations of me.  I’ve never been “surprised” by him springing them on me…I know that’s what he expects.  My expectations of him are very similar, with the addition of one that says “I expect you to be a good father and pay attention to the children”, and the part about being a good wife changed to being a good husband, which includes holding down a job and not making me a Star Wars: The Old Republic widow.