Sex Life When The Captain Is Deployed On An Away Mission

Reader:  Dear Athol, Thanks for taking the time to respond to my email. I needed to take care of the bigger questions before committing fully to the plan.
I’ve got another concern if you don’t mind.  I work away from home about 40% of the time, for periods of 3-6 weeks at a time.  This has contributed to the imbalance in the relationship. 
I’ve definitely been raised to prioritize beta traits and I’m doing much too well with that! My default behaviour has previously been to bend over backwards for her when I come home.
When I come home to my wife and two young kids (2 and 4) she naturally has complete control of the household and I think it’s been tricky taking back control of the ‘bridge’. Of course the first thing I want to do is rip her clothes off the minute I’m through the door, but because she’s had to be ‘captain’ for a month, I find myself having to resort to pleading in order to get through about what I need (I know better now…).  Naturally her rationale is that she’s tired from looking after the kids on her own – and that’s entirely understandable.  The problem is that I feel she’s completely turned off and unreceptive.  It’s like she doesn’t think about me while I’m away.
What I’d like to happen is for her to be excited (sexually) that I’m home. That she’s missed me, has thought about me, and is even perhaps unsettled that I might have strayed while away.  If she’s tired I can understand, we don’t have to have sex right away.  But I think she can be tired and want me at the same time – they don’t have to be mutually exclusive feelings, do they?   As you say so well in your book, it’s at times like these that I feel most cheated out of our contract.
Once my MAP has been put into action for a while, I imagine it’s only a matter of time before she gets used to me being back and starts enjoying and looking forward to relinquishing control.  Do you have any previous blog posts or just a few pointers about making this transition successful?  Is the best approach to set a precedent before I go away so that she misses her ‘captain’?  Is there anything I can do while.
Many thanks again, your help is priceless.
Athol:  I’m going to do a post on this tomorrow. The short answer being you have to maintain a connection while you are away. You don’t stop being the Captain when you go on your business trips.
Do you call a lot?  Skype and talk to the kids?  Phone sex with her? Flirt? Sext?  Video chat and sex with her?
Also do you make a point of relieving her from duty and taking the kids off her hands completely when you come back for a day or two?
Reader:  I’m glad you’ve decided to do a post on this.  I’m sure many of your readers have similar situations.  See my answers below:
“Kids off her hands when you come back question?”
It’s a valid point, but she gets help at home from a relative and we also pay for a nanny that comes in part-time. So when I’m home I do take the kids away for a few hours for the first couple of days to do things with them (and because I’ve missed them so much), but what happens most of the time is that she decides to tag along because she wants us to be all together.
“Sexy time via Skype question”
We maintain a good connection, but not sexually.  I brought up the issue of her sex drive while we’re away and why she never touches herself, which I thought was quite revealing.  So I bought her a quality vibrator and she has used a few times, but not regularly.
Something interesting happened a few nights ago – I was chatting with her and she’d had a glass of wine and I after a few sexy texts, I REQUESTED she show me some skin on the webcam.  Her first (and standard) reaction was ‘I’m shy, it’s been so long darling’…  What I would normally do is back down!  But this time, because I’ve finished reading your book and wanted to things to go differently, I said:  “I’m going to call you on the webcam in 3 minutes, and when you answer, you’re going to give me a nice surprise”.  To which she answered, after a pause, “ok, but only if I get a surprise from you as well”.  I couldn’t believe it!  It was like I had just called her bluff and she was glad…
Following that success and according to my new knowledge(!), the next time I go away we’re going to have ‘date nights’ through the webcam.  This will be a requirement.  There’s absolutely no reason we can’t find the time to do this once or twice a week.
Thanks again Athol, you’re the man.
Athol:  Adding on to this,  I think you’re just staying focused on what you can do rather than what you can’t. You can’t kiss and cuddle each other, but you can have a good conversation with each other. You can’t have sex with each other, but you can watch each other be sexual. You can’t playfight the kids, but you can read them a bedtime story. You can’t open the mail, but you can talk about the bills and make decisions with her.
In short, you’re on an away mission, but you still have to be the Captain and stay in contact with the ship.
If you’re frequently away, there’s nothing much better than getting a laptop with a built in camera and loading Skype. It’s free and you can video chat “hands free”.
It’s well worth buying a good quality vibrator for her too. You want her to stay sexually active while you’re away, just not with some other guy. So she should be encouraged to masturbate to stay in sexual shape. Use it or lose it.
I mean women have phone sex and webcam sex with their lovers all the time. Be her lover.
And yeah…. do try and get to the ripping her clothes off thing as soon as possible after coming through the door!


  1. Anacaona says:

    That reminds me of my husband and I having cyberdates and webcam "sex" when we weren't living together yet. It was really a way to keep the relationship going in the view of distance. We also planned to watch the same movie and then connect and talk over dinner (we ordered the same food)and we also played WoW together at his request (not that I don't love playing it was a way of him leading the activities we were going to do together) another good way to keep the "dating" feeling going. I will suggest her to involve the kids so they also have a connection to dad even if far away.
    Good luck!

  2. Anonymous says:

    Athol…you're saving marriages with your advice. PERIOD. The harsh reality is that most people get married and just try to "wing" it and it falls apart slowly in front of their faces. Having a plan and following through can make the difference

  3. Mr. Reader,

    You've obviously married a very intelligent, capable lady who can take care of everything while you're gone. Trying to step into a leadership role when you return might be interpreted as an insult, in addition to being a disruption to the home routine. But — there are other (manly) things you can do that will be appreciated, like working on the cars, fixing things around the house, and doing yard work.

    If you've been following the MAP, you should be working on those muscles, so no shirt and lots of oily sunblock. In other words, go beefcake.

    And pick her up, swing her around, dip her. All displays of testosterone to make her purr (and miss you terribly when you're gone).

  4. Ian Ironwood says:


    I respectfully disagree.

    Sure, she's intelligent and capable, and she can run things while he's gone. But that shouldn't stop him from re-assuming the leadership role the moment the Captain is back on the Bridge. She might interpret it as an insult the first time, but once she understands at an emotional level that she doesn't have to man the conn anymore, and she can relax . . . nookie galore.

    Seriously. I'm married to a highly capable women. Her mother is hyper-capable — to the point where her three ex-husbands basically didn't have anything to do when they got home. But (based on my observations of her last two marriages) she was quite happy to cede the leadership role if her husband was willing to take it. It was when he was around and she was still running things that stuff got tense.

    Capability of leadership is not the same thing as desire for leadership. And while some women do want to be in charge, it's an important part of the Red Pill path to mitigate that properly, or you're back in the Beta zone before you know it. A little resentment the first few times it happens is worth the long-term gains you'll make. Thank her for her hard work, verbally appreciate any special projects she's worked on while you were gone, note any physical changes in her appearance in a positive way . . . and then put on a four-hour Elmo DVD and go fuck her stupid. Daddy's home.

    I also think claiming her as quickly as possible when you walk through the door is a good idea. Start the seduction first thing, with a text to her phone before she even wakes up. By the time you arrive, she'll know what to expect and will have had enough time to prepare herself mentally. The "Hi, honey, I'm home, missed you, now howabout that beejay?" method isn't going to work unless you've done plenty of prep-work. Remember, female sexuality is RESPONSIVE . . . meaning she needs to be initiated before she can respond.

    And after you fuck her stupid, dress her up and take her out. "Claiming" her includes parading her around for social proofing.

  5. You know so much its almost hard to argue with you. You definitely put a new spin on a subject thats been written about for years

  6. "Capability of leadership is not the same thing as desire for leadership."

    We don't know enough about her to make this call. I would be extremely insulted if my man came home and tried to take over what I have competently proven works. He's going to mess up my routine, and as soon as he leaves again, I'm going to go right back to doing it my way. I'm sure plenty of military wives deal with this same situation.

    In this situation, neither party NEEDS each other, they must simply WANT each other. Simply be the cherry on top of each other's lives.

    And I'd want to see him rotating my tires and getting dirty & greasy as visual foreplay. Flowers and some romance (like dancing with me when a great song comes on the radio) also work great.

  7. I like this post cause it resonates with me since I have young children at home too.

    A couple of thoughts that I have, some of which are essentially duplicates from above cause I agree with some of Athol's suggestions.

    1.) Connect online. Skype, whatever. Doesn't always have to be sexual, there are online games you can play…whatever.

    2.) Encourage her to masturbate, and to do it while thinking of you and her. Depending on how comfortable she is, you can ask her to tell you what she thought of and then play it out when you are home.

    3.) I do think you have to accept that your whole "Captain-First Officer" thing may not be as balanced in your favour as you like. You can come home and step all over her toes, you will have no choice but to accept some decisions she has made simply because of your absence.

    4.) Be patient. It is a tough time of life with young kids, I would make sure she knows how much a good sex life is a priority to you, so that it becomes more of a priority for her too.

    5.) I agree with Ian. Give her fair warning via text or something, tell her you want her so bad and that when you get home you are going to….

    Good luck…

  8. Ian Ironwood says:

    While we don't know enough about her, we do know enough about him — he's trying to be a Red Pill dude, and if his wife is unaccountable for how she runs the house, there's a problem.

    You might be insulted if he tried to "take over" what you have proven works. But a good Captain can let a technical officer handle the details of a task or system, and still be in charge. Acknowledging that your system works (if it does, to his mind) would be an important part of Captaining in that situation . . . providing your system does work.

    I'd disagree as well that neither party NEEDS each other. If you're there to be a cherry on top, then you don't need to be married. Even if the husband is away for a long period of time and the wife can competently take care of the ship while he's gone, then that does not mean she doesn't need him . . . merely that she is capable of handing things in his temporary absence. And a good Captain also wouldn't mess with anything that wasn't broken.

  9. Ian Ironwood says:

    Oh, one last thing re: vibrators: The Hitachi Magic Wand is probably the best, strongest, most consistent and durable device out there. If I had to suggest just one vibe to any woman, it would be this sort (unless she's more G-spot inclined, in which case I'd recommend a Rabbit).

    And another delayed-action flirtation is to hide notes to her around the house where she's likely to find them while you're gone.

  10. "If you're there to be a cherry on top, then you don't need to be married."

    Welcome to 2012, where 48% of the workforce is women and 57% of college graduates are female. I suspect you are in a different generation than the OP. A marriage today looks much different than one from 1962.

    IMO, the Reader just needs to inject a lot more romance and muscle flexing into his wife's life. Every woman feels beautiful, desired, and feminine when literally swept off her feet. Give romance, get sex.

  11. Anonymous says:

    There is a Christian couple that has written a book called Managers of their Home. When they were having families test out how to set up a schedule to get things taken care of at home (the couples worked together on their lists) their were a few people who had a husband on a swing shift. These couples worked out two different schedules for when the father was home on the two different schedules. Maybe this would also help this couple. They talk about the "away" responsibilities and the "I'm home" responsibilities so that the changeup is already expected.

    His wife might also be able to explain that the first night he is home she just wants to cuddle,talk,play a game,etc. But the second night is their sexy night. maybe she needs the transition time.

    About vibrators–I find the vibration very annoying no matter what kind. I have a realistic looking dildo that is more satisfying. Wouldn't want to immediately give a BJ if my husband had been away but rather have him in intercourse.

    Do you think a husband would not like their wife having a realistic looking dildo and fanticizing or watching porn ?

  12. Anonymous says:

    Yes, I have actually used Managers of Their Homes and it might work for a captain and first officer schedule that changes back and forth. The couple just needs to sit down and talk about who does what and then the wife acknowledge the Captain's part in all this.

    Women can manage a lot when their husbands are away but it is always a great relief to me to have my husband home especially when a problem comes up with household or car matters I am not very savvy about. It is also so comforting to have another adult to talk over things with especially if it is your husband you have been missing. It is encouraging to me to hear my husband compliment me and notice what I have taken care of while he has been working long hours or is gone out of town. I also let him know that it is really good to have him home relieving me of all that goes into running the home and raising the children. Life is better with a good man than without for sure and a lot more fun!

    i like the creative sexy ideas mentioned here. Little problem is that a lot of times men out of town on business are required to share a room with another co worker so they have no privacy for sexy skyping. This might be true in military deployments and Skyping also.

    Just a thought but maybe his wife's way of coping with remaining faithful and not getting too sexually frustrated is to actually shut it all down and not "go there" in thought or deed. Maybe this is why she seems to be cool when he comes home. She is still in shut down mode. This might make no sense to men and not even seem possible to them but I have done this.

    By the way, I knew logically why my husband needed to be out of town but the needy part of me felt lonely,sad and even resentful of all that was thrust on me when he was gone. Tried not to let it take over but those illogical feelings sometimes swamped me. i also missed him very much and could not seemed to be serene about it.

  13. 1. Do you really have to be away so much? Are there any other options? It just makes things really hard…

    2. Force the sex issue right away when you get home. Don't wait for her to warm up. When my husband was away a lot, whenever he came home, we had what we called "reentry" which in nasa terms is where everything bursts into flames when you reenter the atmosphere. That's pretty much what happened every time. When he got home we ended up having a HUGE fight. If we just screwed the second he walked in the door, it really eased a lot of that tension.

    Part of the issue was that I'd kinda built up a little shell that allowed me to be ok alone and it took some time to let that down again. I reacted often with anger and frustration of suddenly having to consider another person in my routines, but also, i was kind of cold because i was hurt that he was choosing to be away.

    One fun idea – have you seen the mold a penis kits? Where she can make a dildo that's an exact replica of your penis? I don't think this is really a big help to your situation, just a fun little add on for the times you're away.

  14. Anonymous says:

    I agree with Ian 100%. I lived the life of the captain on commission. Business, not military. Sure, i'm capable. Quite. But why the f did I get married if he's not even going to miss me while he's gone?? Tease me all day before you get home. Connect with the kids for a bit, and then FUCK ME SENSELESS, DAMMIT! I craved this so much, and he never did it.

    I'm so f'n capable that I'm a single mom now.

  15. Links? Suggested sellers? Or would that look bad on this forum?

  16. Anonymous says:

    This. Only, we never figured out the fuck-first-thing routine. Cataclysmic.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Anon, he might have been getting some on the side. Hence his lack of interest in you.

  18. Ian Ironwood says:

    @ Anon. Exactly.

    @Jaz71: And also note that far less of the men out there are willing to get married at all, now, because women don't need them for support . . . or much of anything else. I was born in 1968 and married in 1999, so I'm not unaware of how most marriages work these days.

    Because most marriages DON'T work these days. Because people are treating their spouses like the cherry, instead of like the banana. If you don't have a need for each other . . . then you won't have the kind of bond needed to get you through.

    I'm not saying contract Oneitis, just that if this woman is SO competant and capable, then she DOESN'T need a husband, except for support, does she?

    And "injecting romance" without offering a comprehensive MAP to her is just kissing her ass and begging for sex. Blue Pill stuff. You can't sweep a woman off of her feet if she's unwilling to give up control.

  19. Ian Ironwood says:

    (If Athol allows) Start at the Adam & Eve site. Go from there.

  20. Anonymous says:

    He was. That's why it's so important for OP to make it abundantly clear that *he* is not.

    Yet another facet of what fell apart in my previous marriage.

  21. Thank you!

  22. Ian Ironwood says:

    It's called the "Clone-a-Willy", also available from A&E.

  23. "Blue Pill stuff. You can't sweep a woman off of her feet if she's unwilling to give up control."

    Ian, what do you think the whole dating portion is about? It isn't about controlling someone or ordering them around or treating someone like they're a child or idiot. It's about falling in love and deciding that you want to take that person off the market. That's why women get married. If men just want someone to boss around and clean up after them, it's no wonder marriage is on the decline.

    Anon 12:30 & 1:44 — if he was cheating, you're better off without him. Never marry a traveling salesman.

  24. ironchefoklahoma says:

    Athol, this is good advice. And the back-and-forth between you and the Reader (OP) is a great help.

    I wonder if the Reader understands that if he wants to be the Captain he must always be the Captain. The Captain may delegate authority on away missions ("you have the conn"). The Captain may not delegate responsibility ("hey, I wasn't there so it wasn't my fault"). You gave a great example of this with your house purchase. It was a poor decision but because you are the Captain you took responsibility for fixing the problem.

    As for the specific problem, would it be solved by having the Reader set the agenda for his arrival? Something like, "I'll be home on this date at 5:00pm. Have the kids at the relatives because I'm going to bang you like a screen door in a hurricane". The teasing and sexting leading up to the event may be left as an exercise for the Reader.

  25. ironchefoklahoma says:

    "Oh, and the day afterwards we're all going out to the zoo/movies/hiking trail/picnic/fun family activity we all enjoy"

    Dopamine? Check.
    Oxytocin? Check.
    Captain? Taking care of his crew.
    First Officer? Rewarded for her service.

  26. A big thank you to all those who have commented on Athol's post.

    I'm going home at the end of the weekend after having been gone for nearly 6 weeks. I'll try and keep this page updated on my failures and success. This will be my first time trying to implement Athol's MAP (I've finished his book and read all the blog posts while I've been away). I've had some mild successes over the phone lately, but our behaviours are so entrenched success is not going to come overnight.

    I've been working out intensively for about a month now and it really shows. I haven't looked like I do now since we first met. Hopefully that will definitely engage the "forward thrusters" on my return.

    A big issue for me will be to get my wife to back down on control in general. She manages to exercise control over everyone that is close to her, and seeks to get her way pretty much all the time, especially when it comes to the children and the household. Her standards are very exacting and it becomes very hard for someone to take initiative without fearing to be criticized. This is the main thing I'll be working on. I know deep down it makes her unhappy to boss people around, so I'm committed to taking her out of her misery. I'll be initiating (in general) in order to take back control and ignore and dismiss the subsequent criticism.

    The other issue I have is one of frustration and resentment. I get so emotionally raw from having sex withheld and advances turned down (by the HAMSTER!) that I inevitably get overwhelming frustration. There comes a point where it's so intolerable I break down and beg her.

    I think a big part of the potential success rests on how I deal with not breaking down and sticking to the MAP. I'm leaving again for business in May for another 6 weeks, and this time I'd really like for things to be different. I'd like for my wife to call me everyday and say she thinks about WANTING and NEEDING me.

    We trust each other completely, and I know neither of us would ever stray, but I'm not sure how much longer I can go on knowing that my wife is just shut down to me while I'm away. Somewhere inside me it feels like cheating, and I can't let it carry on anymore. We speak several times a day, use video chat and messaging, but I'm missing that crucial element that tells me I'm married to a woman who wants me, and not just a good friend with whom I share all these incredible responsibilities.

    Keep your fingers crossed for me, next week will be interesting, to say the least.

  27. Anacaona says:

    I wish you all the marital luck in the world reader. Keeps posting and remain Always Faithful, you will be thankful with time.

  28. Haha I love it.

  29. My only suggestion would be to keep your expectations in check. You may not be able to show up with your dick hanging out after she has been dealing with the kids for six weeks.

    It may be a gradual transition that you get, than an immediate turn around. i.e., it may take some time and don't get discouraged if things don't go your way right away.

    Although, I do hope that they do, that would be great to hear.

  30. Anonymous says:

    Jaz, he cheated at home, too. But that doesn't negate Ian's point.

  31. Anonymous says:

    Good luck!!! You *will* do this! :)

  32. It sounds like your wife is sensing the alpha void when you're not around and stepping up to fill it. I've been there (though not with kids).

    You say you want to hear that she NEEDS you. What exactly do you want her to need you for? Sex? Companionship? Day-to-day responsibilities?
    For sex, Skype is great. Also maybe try emails and texts, I've saved many a salacious text conversation for later "use" when my boyfriend and I were long distance. A good place to start is reminiscing about a time you guys had great sex. Other people have said to try and "prime the pump" for her before you get back with some erotic conversation.
    For companionship, try to be available to chat with her as adults. From what I hear, that's a difficult part of raising small children without the constant presence of another parent.
    Day-to-day stuff is a tough one, if you can succeed in this area you are truly top notch.

  33. Cheers. I appreciate the words of encouragement!

  34. @ Jaz71

    I believe you are misinterpreting what Ian wants to say. There is nothing in the Captain/FO strategy that tells man to "treat somenone like they're a child or idiot". You're overreacting, probably because you haven't fully understood the concept.

    And actually, think about it — routine is often boring. Your husband comes home and relieves you from your stressful routine: "Now you can relax, babe. I am here to help you". It can go further: "Go relax a while and get pretty, while I take the kids out for some daddy time".

    If she is really intelligent, she would love to take the time to relax… believing he is "treating her like a child" shows a severe lack of self-confidence.

  35. I see no problems with it. I believe that "fantasizing or watching porn" is only a problem when it's disrupting the sex life (usually when one spouse is consuming too much of it).

  36. @R, here's what Ian wrote: "But a good Captain can let a technical officer handle the details of a task or system, and still be in charge."

    This fits with what Athol has been preaching all along, one of the concepts that I disagree with. Marriage of the 21st century is different because women are different, but men are still stuck in the old way of thinking "Me boss, she employee, she do what I say." A lot of these guys are in their early-mid 20's, freshly removed from mommy & daddy's rule, and are looking to find someone subservient so that they get a turn at bossing someone around.

    Women make their own money, and I've noticed comments about men not marrying because women don't NEED them. Money=power, so it's hard to play Captain if you're getting paid less than the F.O. And thus, the marriage becomes a competition for control (in men's eyes).

    My marriage tanked for this very reason. We had a fantastic sex life, we were best friends, everything was perfect, except that 3 months into the marriage he decided to (push the envelope) become a Captain. What a turn-off. If I want a boss, I'll go to work.

  37. Athol Kay says:

    Jaz71 – Have you actually read Chapter 9 of the Primer?

    You saying I preach things that I quite pointedly took the effort to not say.

  38. Anonymous says:

    Lol on the vibrator advice, Ian.

    Never ever used a vibrator.. Not ever, not even in my married life..

    I have a husband! Why in the hell would I need a vibrator?

    Vibrators are the bane of a married man's life.

    I know of women who prefer their vibrator's to intercourse.

    Speaks volumes, wouldn't you say?

    "And another delayed-action flirtation is to hide notes to her around the house where she's likely to find them while you're gone."

    Much better and more productive and assertive to sneak up behind her in the kitchen and give her one over the sink.

    Saves time too. ;)


  39. Athol, your concept of Captain/F.O. appeals to men because it establishes the old fashioned and religious "head of household" or boss/employee dynamic (where the boss delegates tasks. Cough.).

    I get that men ultimately want to be respected, and according to the insightful Dale Carnegie ("How to Win Friends and Influence People"), it is ALL about the ego.

    So when I read comments like Ian's, or your posts like "Where can I find a subservient woman?" it makes my eyes roll. You're not discouraging men from thinking this way.

    I agree with most everything else you discuss, but not this one.

  40. @Kathy: Don't knock it till you try it.

  41. Anonymous says:

    Lol, I have multiple orgasms with my husband, what do I need a vibrator for?

    Come on, Jaz, a woman don't need no vibrator when she has a man to do it for her.

    Silly women, all in their minds. The greatest sex organ is indeed the brain but some women have obviously experienced a short circuit. ;)


  42. You use a vibrator (or any other prop) for variety, Kathy.

    Suppose you are always able to orgasm in the cowgirl. Why would you bother with any other position if that one always works? Variety.

    Orgasms feel different using the Rabbit than with a man, the same as it feels different from oral vs. vaginal vs. manual.

    Until you try it, you can't effectively argue against it, as you have no experience to compare.

  43. Emily Jane says:

    My comment is from a woman's perspective (and from my perspective as a family doc who spends a lot of time talking to women). And below is a generalization, some folks differ…

    When men go for a time without sex, they build up an overwhelming urge for sex. The longer women go without sex, the more they can do without it.

    I think you may be disappointed if you want her to WANT it as much as you do when you get home. All the suggestions above are great for keeping the connection, and may
    improve her willingness to have sex when you get home, but if your definition of success is for her to need it as much as you do, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

    I think your goal should be for her to be responsive to you sexuality rather than be more like you, if that makes sense.

    And I love athol's blog as he has great ideas on how to encourage that sexual responsiveness!

  44. Yes Emily, totally makes sense. I think one of the bigger changes will be for me not to be apologetic about taking the lead – in various areas of course, but mainly sexually.

    "I think your goal should be for her to be responsive to you sexuality rather than be more like you, if that makes sense."

    Yes I understand this – I have to stop wanting her to need me sexually (which is what I feel towards her), but at the same time, be more confident and playful with my advances and not shy away from the way she makes me feel. I have to banish the fear of failure and rejection and stop asking permission.

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