Toilet Seat Up Or Down?

Reader:  An update and a question…
The wife has continued to attend Mass and 12-step meetings. We have been seeing a lay couples counselor associated with the diocese. Much less conflict and drama, and she apologizes for her previous behavior. She is now willing for us to move 60 miles to the city where I work, which will give me an additional 2 hours/day that I now spend on the highway.
The past 6 months have been just about the best 6 months of the marriage. It still upsets her when she thinks about how I “walked out” on her 6 months ago; though I am convinced that we’d be stuck in the same rut if I hadn’t done this, I don’t rub her nose in it. Now my focus has to be on maintaining a proper alpha-beta balance in the future, rather than lapsing into beta behavior and needing an alpha “explosion” to get things back on track.
Now the question – might be one for your blog. What is it with women and leaving the toilet seat down? Her justifications are:
1) “If you leave the seat up and I sit on the toilet in the dark if I get out of bed at nite, I could fall in,” but she gets annoyed even if she finds it up during the day; and
2) leaving the seat up communicates “disrespect.”  It feels like a shit test, but it generates a lot more heartfelt feeling than I would expect a shit test to generate. Do you have any insight into this?
Athol:  In nursing school we were taught about the aerosol effect of toilets flushing fecal matter into the air and getting poop all over your toothbrush. So high five everyone for doing some ass-to-mouth twice a day. No more complaints about life not being kinky enough okay?

So seat down and lid down to flush. Ya’ll are nasty.
Also leaving the toilet seat up angered my mother during my childhood and I have been the target of extremely well executed behavioral program to leave the seat down. So even though my mother lives nearly on the opposite side of the planet from me, I remain careful not to offend her. One never knows when she may arrive unannounced for a quick inspection and complaints about the quality of American tea. (Which she rates between “Questionable” and “Nun’s piss.”)
Honestly though, this one is trivial and isn’t worth fighting the battle. Put the toilet seat down without prompting and tell her that it’s the way you signal you’re interested in having sex that day.
Oh and big up on reigning in your wife. Knowing the extended history I would have sworn she would have gone the full Batshit Crazy on you. Getting her into a 12-step program is truly tremendous news.
Jennifer: Eeeeeeeeeeewwwww……


  1. Anonymous says:

    Just put the lid down, and demand she do the same. If she refuses to put the lid down, leave the seat up. Simple enough.

  2. My partner grew up in a house with pets, so he always puts the lid down. Same for my last LTR. In the last five years I have never had a toilet seat fight-it's a nonissue.

    This might just be me, but I don't like seeing the seat up because it makes the toilet look dirtier. Dust and hairs and stuff stick to the rim even if you clean it pretty often, and seeing it look gross is a jolt of negative feelings.

  3. Nothin' like a little separation to underscore how serious you are about a spouse's bad behaviour (and to prove to yourself that you can live without them just fine).

    Glad it worked, Mr. Reader. And congrats to the wife on sobriety (or whatever needed fixing).

    @KatF: LOL! Just imagining poochie having a pee-stained toilet drink and then giving a nice wet kiss on daddy's face!

  4. pdwalker says:

    "Put the toilet seat down without prompting and tell her that it's the way you signal you're interested in having sex that day."

    Epic Win!

    Nothing like encouragement and the setting of expectations.

  5. The MacNut says:

    Yeah I learned about the Toilet Aerosol Effect myself awhile ago (forget where, might have been another Discovery Channel program) and so put both seat and lid down before flushing. Haven't heard any complaints about it so far.

    Still I've also heard that putting the lid down just leaves the aerosol swirling about in the toilet above the water until it's released by the next person who lifts the lid…

  6. Anonymous says:

    No issue more clearly illustrates the utter selfishness of feminist women; put the device in whatever position you require, leave it as you will. If you even THINK that there is an evil motive behind the positioning of the toilet, you are a foolish child!

    As a test for the suitability of a future wife. leave the seat up consistently. If she reacts, in the slightest, she lacks the maturity for marriage.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Ladies, it's a toilet seat. Learn how to work it.

  8. Tequila Mockingbird says:

    In our home, I (the sole female in a home with a husband and two sons) close the lid. The men in my life generally leave the seat up. Thankfully, they usually wipe any dribbles off the rim of the porcelain.

    Out of all the things in life about which to churn up stomach acid, the Great Toilet Seat Debate doesn't even blip on the screen. It is an utter non-issue in my home. My husband is wonderful and kind and sexy, my boys are respectful and happy and good helpers around the house. Every day I am happy that the toilet seat "problem" is the worst part of my day. I have a good life and a good family.

    This makes me think that if a woman is griping about the toilet seat, it must be a symptom of some other issue, and she is either feeling disrespected in some other, less definable way. Or maybe she's just an immature grumpy grouch.

  9. It feels like a shit test, but it generates a lot more heartfelt feeling than I would expect a shit test to generate.

    This tells me that she knows how much she screwed up and is sorry for it and is working incredibly hard to change things for you. She is basically asking you to throw her a bone. She wants one small win. She is making big and difficult changes for you. This is likely her way of asking you to make one small change for her. It is kind of a shit test, but it might be just what she needs to give her a bit of a boost to keep things going.

    A word of caution though. One small win on her part may prompt her to attempt more small wins and then on to even bigger ones. My advice is to give her this one, but if it begins to spiral into more, put a stop to it immediately.

  10. Athol Kay says:

    It's usually nothing to do with the husband or Fitness Testing.

    Jennifer and I talked about this more this morning. Apparently it's the job of mom/aunt to rescue daughters and nieces who have fallen butt first into the toilet and can't get out because they are too little to get leverage.

    I would imagine one would only have to fall into a toilet once or twice as a small child to create a bit of an aversion to the seat being up.

  11. "It's usually nothing to do with the husband or Fitness Testing."

    Amen! it's to do with aesthetics and practicality. Objects on a shelf above toilet can fall into open toilet; must be retrieved; unpleasant. Exposed, not always immaculate toilet bowl is unappealing to look into; keep it covered!

    Or you could just have separate bathrooms, as my husband and I do. Issue solved.

    My little sister also fell into the toilet bowl on one occasion. She was too little to notice the seat had been left up…oh, the screams of terror!

  12. Anonymous says:

    Let's see, on average women need it down for both tasks. Men, on average mainly only leave the seat down for one.

    75% of the time it's down, majority overrules.

    Just put the seat down, it's not something to get in a fuss over.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Your mum might complain about the tea here but I have been to New Zealand and know first hand how bad the food is–Not mutton again!

  14. I leave the seat up so I can piss in the toilet. When I'm done pissing, I wipe the splashes off with a small bit of ass wipe and then flush the fucking toilet.

    That's how I' leave it.

    If I take a shit, I put the toilet seat down, shit, and then put the lid down and flush.

    End of story. If a women insisted on the seat being down, I'd splash piss on it and leave it until she figured out that she'd rather have a clean seat than a pissy seat.

    End of story.

  15. Anonymous says:

    In our house (all boys except the wife) we have commodes, not urinals. The rule is urinals are for standing, commodes are for sitting so if you get caught standing you clean the bathroom. Keeps the radiators from rusting out and the pee splash out in check. As a result the bathroom stays a lot cleaner. And no, it wasn't the wife's idea. It was mine after replacing the radiator the 2nd time.

  16. Anonymous says:

    Forget the plume. What really matters is the culture. Mythbusters already covered this, and here is a link that contains all the good info.

  17. Anonymous says:

    What worries me about the whole toilet seat argument is who plops their butt down without looking? I find that behavior very questionable. I always give the toilet a quick visual inspection before I ….er….use the facilities.

  18. Anonymous says:

    No arguments here. It has a lid. Close it.

  19. mmaier2112 says:

    If I had plumbing I could trust for sure, I'd close the lids before flushing.

    But I do live alone and I'm male, so…

    Thanks for the Mythbusters link, good info to shut whiny women up if need be.

    Though I wouldn't tout their methodologies too much myself. I'm no scientist, but even I've seen gaping holes in their thinking processes.

  20. Anonymous says:

    She may well have traumatic childhood memories of falling vagina-deep into a cold, germy bowl of water. Leaving the seat up will just bring that feeling right back, and I don't think that's the kind of tingle you want to be inspiring.

    Just think of it like all those little customs and manners that make society run smoothly. Objectively they don't mean much; it's the symbolism that matters. To her it's not the seat that matters so much as the thoughtfulness, neatness, and respect that a closed seat represents. And the assurance that she can't fall in. ;) If it's still her house too, give her this one. Only singletons with no roommates get to run their homes exactly the way they want without making allowances for others.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Women would get much more compliance on the toilet seat issue if they would actually reward a man for putting the seat back down. I've not gotten any extra sex by being a good soldier and putting the seat down.

    Not only that but my wife constantly makes up all kinds of little rules that she then proceeds to break. "oh you didn't clean the counter after you made dinner. I always do that. Every time". Two days later, I come home to a dirty counter.

    This is not a major stumbling block at my house. It's just inconsistent.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Seriously dude!!!!!

    Take a chill pill. The toilet seat issue has been going on a LONG time before the feminist movement came along.

  23. Anonymous says:

    Sounds like you chose to marry a shrew.

    Sex as a reward for putting a toilet seat down? Let's see, how should a couple keep score…a sticker chart like potty training? How infantilizing for both.

  24. Anonymous says:

    Translation: I'd act passive aggressively rather than deal with the conflict openly.

    End of story.

  25. If she can hold consistently to a rule of lid down, I'll go along with it. A rule merely of seat down makes her and her alone the rightful resident of our home, and makes me a perpetual probationer or even an interloper, and I won't have that.

  26. i love this one and the toilet paper discussion. i always tell the woman, “if i remember….i do, if i don’t…i don’t. if you’re so worried about falling in, check to make sure it’s down.”

    never really had it made into a big deal though. and it definitely feels like a shit-test.

  27. Both put the seat & lid down. What’s the problem with that?

  28. SexyBearFriend says:

    Ohma gawd, I hear ya! I can’t stand whiny women who complain about that. Real bitches. It’s like when my man complains that I leave my used tampons unwrapped in the wastebasket. God, dude. Deal with it and quit whining already. I’ll leave my bloody rags wherever I damn well please. Whatta’ betaman. Not like you sexy Alpha’s that piss on the toilet and leave it up. Tell me to “deal with it” again. I love that pillow talk. (BTW: this is a joke for effect. I only leave bloody tampons at work and blame them on the intern. The *male* intern. Ba-wu-hahahaha!)

  29. Everyone is allowed one or two pet peeves. Is this one of them? Does she mention it regularly? Then be a pal and comply.

    But give her what for if she doesn’t close the lid too, just to make sure you are still Captain.

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