Reader: I think I already outrank her, and she knows it. She has said more than a few times that if we ever got divorced, she has no doubt that I’d have no trouble finding young, cute, interested women to date, and she’s convinced she’d probably never marry again. When I compliment her looks, she says I have low standards. In light of all this, it seems that the typical problem that MMSL addresses (betaized man outranked by wife) may not be my problem at all. We have sex 2-3 times a week, but she doesn’t seem to be into it and she doesn’t ever orgasm with me. It makes me worry that maybe I just have a wife who simply does not like sex.
Athol: If you both know you outrank her and she makes defeatist statements, it means she’s fishing for you to respond with an indication of the direction you plan to go in. Namely do you plan to stay with her or dump her. She does this because she feels outclassed by your Sex Rank, and she doesn’t feel she can catch up with you, so you have all the advantage in the relationship.
Also because she’s a woman, she’s probably making the mistake of assuming that you are thinking like a woman… by which I mean she thinks you are very, very angry at her and 6-12 months ago you decided you wanted out of the relationship and nothing will ever change your mind. You’ve just been rolling out this exit plan ever since, and it’s working and she’s pretty much screwed.
She very likely is emotionally withdrawing from you to soften the blow of you dumping her and because she thinks you’re angry at her. Thus the conflict of giving you sex to keep you, but she can’t actually give herself to you and orgasm et al because you leaving will hurt too much if she lets you in all the way.
I have seen this before several times now. It usually happens when the husband has trumped her Sex Rank and is well into Phase Three of the MAP, but he hasn’t pushed into Phase Four and stated his demands. So she just imagines the worst. Not all forty-year-old women have divorce fantasies, some of them very much see that they’ll be living a very modest lifestyle while their husband basically moves on to a new woman.
So the solution is to actually move into Phase Four and state some clear expectations for the relationship and frame how you want things to be. As long as the frame is reasonable and she can actually do what you’re asking of her, she’ll probably go for it. You may also have to reveal the whole bag of tricks that you’ve been using and MMSL (et al) that has propelled you on your path.
Some basic framing for Phase Four…
(1) I expect you to have a good sexual relationship with me / I expect you to be attractive as you can.
(2) I expect you to hold up your end of the marriage and be productive as a good wife.
(3) Defeatist talk about our relationship is unacceptable. I expect you to support the relationship.
(4) As long as you do (1), (2) and (3) you will never need fear that I will leave you or cheat on you.
(5) I really do have strong feelings for you.
Or put more simply… “I’m the Captain, you’re the First Officer and this is what the First Officer role is. Are you on the ship or off the ship?”
Jennifer: That Phase Four framing seems awfully familiar…