A Questionable But Evidence Based Test For Oneitis

Somewhere in a questionably therapeutic setting…

Okay, well we’ve talked about this in circles for a couple weeks now, and it just seems to me that your wife is quite horrible to you, but you have this obsessive romantic love for her and can’t disengage from the toxic pattern of behaviors that you both have. I’ve tried explaining this to you several times in a few different ways, but you always start defending her and getting angry with me… which is of course just a symptom of your irrational romantic feelings for her. Quite objectively speaking, if I treated you like she treats you, you would have stopped coming to see me for these questionable therapy sessions long ago.

In short, I believe you have Oneitis.

Look you can deny it all you like, but there is a practical and evidence based testing procedure for diagnosing Oneitis and I suggest we simply do the test and let the results speak for themselves.



Okay the first thing you do for the Oneitis test is you get down on your hands and knees and shut your eyes. Yup, hands and kness, eyes shut. No don’t pay any attention to the brick therapy rock I have in my right hand. No no… just relax, if I do this right you won’t really feel a thing.



Whoa! Dude! Dude wake up. There we go big guy. There we go. You took a little tumble there. Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to lean back on your chair? Dizzy? Feel okay? Alrighty I think this is about enough for today’s session. Probably time to head home.

What’s that big guy? You don’t really remember where you live? Hmmm… that’s a bit tricky isn’t it. Oh wait you got your wallet with your drivers license in it right? Well that’s got your address on it and you can use your smartphones GPS thingy to find your way home. So you’ll be fine.

Oy you don’t remember who you live with? Oh no that’s entirely unexpected big guy. Let’s see, well you’ve got a wedding ring on, so obviously you’re married. Hmmm gimme your phone a sec. Hmmm… well you’ve got like nine calls in the phone log over the last two weeks from a “Julie” and some text messages as well. Let’s see… oh.. hmmm.. yeah… okay you’re married to Julie for sure. And…. oh look, there’s a picture of you and some woman and you have your arm around her, so that’s probably Julie. Cute huh. How wonderful for you, she looks like a catch.

So… you feel okay to drive right? Great. Okay well why do we just stop here for today and we can do this same time next week, and you get yourself home to Julie. Bye! Oh! And probably best not to worry her about your memory loss or anything, I’d sure it will all come back soon enough. Just act normal.


Hi! So how goes it? Any of your memories coming back yet? Damn that sucks. That’s entirely unexpected.

So how are things going between you and Julie? I guess you’ve only really known her for a week now right? So based on how she’s been treating you for that one week…

…how do you like her?


  1. pdwalker says:

    I wonder what served as the creative inspiration for that post?

  2. I suspect some people are unable to learn, no matter how much you hit them on the head with truths and/or red pills they refuse to swallow.
    Their own right, sure. But don’t come asking for help or expect improvement without change.

  3. Perfect.
    Every man should review any relationship he is in a couple or a few times a year this way. Hell, even once a month. Without the brick therapy of course.

  4. mmaier2112 says:

    Thoroughly demented, but I like it. And it’s an interesting thought experiment.

    Especially if you twist it so you think of how YOU treat your SO and then ask “So how do you think THEY should think of AND feel about you?”

  5. Too many men have conditioned themselves to be good and faithful soldiers in their relationships without securing their own happiness in return. The late Patrice O’Neal said it best, if a man focuses on himself, his happiness trickles down and will benefit the relationship as a whole.

  6. I wish I could go back in time 5 years and shove the red pill down my own throat.

    Wait, not just 5 years….I wish I could go back to when I was 16 and eat that damn red pill.

  7. I like this post. I have seen this relationship dynamic in a number of couples.

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