Reader: The Manosphere paints women in a pretty ugly light (by my standards), and I can’t help but think if it is really that bad, why bother at all? If my SO’s true nature is like that, what is the purpose of being with her? I already have children from my previous marriage. At this point I simply want a friend and companion to be with, but what I’m being told is that no woman will ever understand me, understand my concerns or issues, and doesn’t really want to know what makes me tick. The impression I get from them is that women are like kids at Disneyland: They love the rides, but don’t want to know how they work, and would be disappointed to find out.
In your experience, is this true? Do you find that you do not tell Jennifer some things because she doesn’t want to know? Is being the captain really about being alone with another person right beside you? I know that there is no truly equal relationship, and that’s fine. But it is a far different thing to say that my SO simply wants to ride along wherever I go, and that as long as *I* am firm in my direction she will happily tag along. I really am not looking for a passenger, I’d like a participant. But at this point I don’t know if that is possible or practical.
I get the feeling that what is described is much more like owning an exotic pet than having a mate. I am being told that it is my “job” and “duty” to “guide” her, which comes across to me an awful lot like “daddy” her. (not that being called daddy at appropriate times isn’t a good thing…) I don’t want to be responsible for her moods or actions. I’d like her to take control of that and come to me so that we can combine ideas and efforts to build something better.
Am I wishing for a pipe dream? Is the secret to relationship success really about taking the brunt of the work and letting my mate pick what she wants to do from the list of responsibilities? If so, then I feel very much like I will forever being doing far more “work” than she ever will. No, not like washing dishes or folding laundry, I mean the interpersonal inner/spiritual/soul kinda work. The stuff that builds an emotional bond. How can I emotionally bond with someone if I can’t tell her how I really think and feel? How can we support each other if we don’t understand each other? Can I ever expect her to understand on any level the dedication and work I’m putting in? How can I keep her from taking me for granted if she has NO idea what I’m doing to make things work?
Sorry, I know that’s a lot of crap in a short burst, but I know you are busy and I don’t want to take up too much of your time. As far as it goes, everything you’ve told me and written has been spot on, I just don’t like what I’ve found behind the curtain at Disneyland.
Athol: The Manosphere can be a black hole sucking in all your happiness and positive thoughts can’t escape it.
Most of the Game websites view women exactly as you say, as “exotic pets” and they give advice as such. Frankly though if women really are exotic pets, you shouldn’t mess with one at all. Eventually every animal has a bad day, and a 400 pound tiger having a bad day isn’t the same as a 10 pound cat having a bad day. Likewise if women are essentially dangerous wild animals, divorce and cheating are essentially assured unless you relentlessly manage their behavior. If that were truly the case, my advice would be to buy a Fleshlight, a ten-foot-pole and the highest quality streaming porn money can buy.
Rather than debate what they say, let me restate my thoughts.
Both men and women have biological drives toward a primary pair bond and opportunistic sex. Both men and women have modern socialization, education and intellect. Both men and women have access to technology that can gain some degree of control over sexual outcomes. Both men and women have rationalization hamsters.
Most importantly, both men and women can have either an unconscious relationship, or a conscious relationship. By unconscious relationship, I mean they simply go along through life believing that all their feelings and thoughts are something that they have no control over or ever hope to understand. If they are horny, it’s because they are horny. If they are in love, it’s because they are in love. If they are happy, it’s because they are happy.
The conscious relationship however acknowledges that we have a ton of hormones and neurotransmitters following ancient programming telling us how to think and feel. If we are horny, it’s because of testosterone surging through our veins. If we are in love, it’s because of dopamine. If we are happy, it’s because our needs are being meet and we are enjoying things. Because we are conscious of these things, we can also exert some conscious control over them by our actions. We can actually adapt and outwit our own biology to some extent. We can understand that we’re designed for a primary pair bond and also opportunistic sex, and be able to pull off monogamy by having regular sex together, and also some highly irregular high intensity sex together. One hits the oxytocin response, the other hits the dopamine one. Thus fooled, our bodies relax and tell us we’re happy.
What most of the Manosphere advises assumes that the male is conscious (“Takes the Red Pill”) and the female is unconscious. What I generally seem to find happening with MMSL is both men and women become conscious. My hunch is about 25-35% of my readership are couples. Sometimes the husband finds MMSL first, sometimes the wife does.
The Captain and First Officer model of marriage is ideally a “both conscious” model of functioning. It acknowledges both the biological drives of male dominance and female hypergamy and harnesses them for their erotic potential within the marriage. But at the same time it acknowledges that this is a free will choice to create a hierarchical dyad, and while inside the relationship is male dominance and female submission, outside the relationship is an open playing field. Within the marriage I lead Jennifer, outside of the relationship I am a male nurse and when a female doctor writes an order… I follow it. Outside the relationship Jennifer complies with males that are in positions of social dominance over her, but she doesn’t have sex with them.
Jennifer is my best friend. I’ve told her things about myself that no one else knows. I’m her lover and I consciously choose to attract her. She’s also my lover and I’ve consciously told her things to do that attract me. Also because this is the way sexuality works, I’ve told her quite firmly that she will do X Y and Z to attract me or she will face undesired outcomes.
If your SO is conscious and self-aware, I think there’s plenty of hope for a genuinely deep friendship along with the nuts and bolts of having to keep up the basic opposite sex attractiveness. Wife selection is absolutely critical though. Some women believe they are exotic animals, and they should be avoided. You can’t make a tiger into a house cat. Personally I find Jennifer to be a wonderful pet, after all, who doesn’t love an affectionate pussy that likes jumping into your lap.