Reader: First let me preface by saying I bought your book, have read it twice, and have since felt a sort of liberation from the tyranny of going against basic instincts. Congratulations on your success!
I’m hoping you might be able to help me toward my success, as well! I have been married nearly two years (together for 5) to a wonderful woman. She’s beautiful, smart, and generally quite nice to be around; however, our marriage in general is not quite where we both want it to be.
We went into a sort of crisis mode where she developed a crush on a guy at work (quite a bit older than she) and started to doubt her feelings for me. I recognized it as a phase, at first, and then recognized it as a problem with me, in particular (despite her insistence to the contrary). I found your blog, read your book, and initiated as much of the MAP as I could (going on 3-4 weeks now). I was skinny and not overweight, but I pushed to become a more strapping version of myself. By the way, if you don’t have space or cash, sandbags rock.
I also went through a phase where I would come home and do all the housework before she would get home from work every day, with very little response. I see the lack of response and her so-called “phase” as me being too beta. Once I took a more proactive approach to our marriage (changing style of dress, offering to go out instead of being asked, etc), we stabilized and started making efforts to ENJOY our time together, sexy or not. She no longer has a crush on this older gentleman and no longer feels suffocated by our relationship.
In the meantime, I’m feeling ignored, like I put a lot of effort toward this and saw relatively little response. For example, since I started working out I have been on some decent muscle. I’m skinny but don’t appear to be a hard-gainer there. She seems to notice some, but it’s not led to her melting in my hands so far as I can tell. Game in general also seems to have no effect on her, since things like texting naughty messages like “I just realized the bottom of my tongue is much smoother than the top [thanks], and I’m going to try that on you later.” It gets a “rofl” reply, which I read as a good sign, so I would just kind of act cocky.
When we get home? Nothing. If I try to initiate, she’s usually too tired, which I could buy as either an excuse for no sex or as a genuine concern. She’s overweight and does not exercise much except at her job which is rather physically-demanding. She does not seem to respond to game. In fact, she is in general a rather dominant personality. How do you suggest one goes about teasing out her inner submissive girl? I know she enjoys sex, enjoys orgasms, and enjoys us. I just wish I knew how to engender more attraction.
I think I also have a touch of lingering oneitis. She gets backrubs and dinners and homemade popcorn while I get to sit there tortured with a hardon. She’ll ask what I want to do, and I might say “I want to have sex.” She responds with a groan unless it was already what she wanted. We are quite touchy-feely with the hugs and short kisses (she shies away from ten-second kisses since saliva to her is somewhat repulsive) and the sitting together and holding, which makes me wonder if I am giving too much of myself for not enough toward my needs. Do you think it would be a good strategy to withdraw somewhat from those things for a little while in order to tone down the beta somewhat?
I guess in the end she just seems like a slightly different girl than those described in the primer. I can never quite put my finger on it how that is so, either. Thanks for reading the ramble! I hope to hear back from you soon!
Athol: Hiya, if she started fixating on another guy, there’s a pretty good chance her Sex Rank is higher than yours and the other guy is certainly higher than yours. You did a good thing by addressing her attraction quickly though. Many guys in the same situation go limp and just watch the relationship intensify rather than slap it down. Good job.
So anyway, if her Sex Rank is higher than yours, you’re still in Phase One of the MAP, maybe heading into Phase Two. As a rough guide, increasing your Sex Rank if you’re a male takes about a year per point. So right now it’s kind of like you just planted an acorn and a month later are wondering where the big oak tree is.
The good news is you’ve seen positive results. She lost interest in the other guy and is getting on better with you. So things are improving and you are on track for a full turn around. It’s just a slow process is all.
Oneitis – you still have this because she’s hotter than you. It tends to fade away in Phase Three as other women start presenting themselves to you more frequently.
Asking For Sex – Don’t just ask for sex, say you want to do a particular sex act. “Do you want to have sex?” or “I want sex.” is weaker than, “I want to lick your pussy and fuck you doggystyle.”
Backrubs – “Sure, just go in the bedroom, take all your clothes off and lay face down. I’ll be in in a minute to give you a backrub.” [grin] Don’t give her one unless she complies lol.
She’s Overweight – She’s very likely to suddenly want to address that once you hit Phase Three. You won’t likely need to say anything about it.
Touchy-Feely – Don’t initiate more than than half of these little cuddle moments. She’ll come to you eventually.
Muscles – this is just a time and effort thing. Keep at it. It’s not where you are in a month that matters, it’s where you are in a year that does.
Keep it up! You’re on the right path.