MMSL Reading Husband Is Hot Now. Wife Happy But Getting Nervous

Reader:  Ok, here’s an email from a wife. My husband has been reading through your book. He’s been applying a lot of what he’s learned in there. He’s had a lot of those moments when past situations now make sense and he sees where things were wrong. He’s a different man, I can see it, he can feel it and we both like it. He’s been working out and looks great. He’s had to purchase smaller sized clothing and muscles are showing up where I’ve never seen them before on him. Frankly, I can’t get enough of him. I like him being Alpha and leading our family, and I like some of the Beta he’s kept. I know it’s a process and there’s still a lot yet to do, but what has taken place so far is …well, it’s really good. So now I would like some advice from the other side of the coin.

I have read bits and pieces of your book. I figure it’s not my place to change my husband so I really haven’t dove into the information in it; I need to work on myself. And I have. Over the past couple of years I have lost a good amount of weight, and I’ve worked on other areas as well. I still have a considerable amount of weight to lose but have found myself at a standstill since last summer. I understand sex rating and from what I’ve seen in your book and on your blog women may soon be eyeing my husband like a piece of candy. They’ll be interested.

I feel like I’m getting left in the dust. I’m doing all I can to get back on track, I’m watching my food intake, working with a trainer once a week, my husband and I go to the gym another few times a week and work out together. Nothing is working to get me over this plateau. Don’t ask about seeing a doctor, I know everything there is to know about my physical status and nothing is present to deter any further weight loss. So what does the wife do when her husband becomes all he can be from reading the information you’ve put out there, and his status raises above hers and she’s left trying, but just not making it. We’re all human, and if some woman puts her sites on Mr. 8 while Mrs. 6 is still working at trying to match him…well, the temptation might be too strong and all that new testosterone surging through his veins might make it even more difficult for him to resist.

No, this isn’t a joke. I’m serious. I love the man emerging from within my husband and I want to be the wife that he needs and wants. I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all and can’t seem to catch up. He isn’t showing any hint of being unhappy at all, he’s happier than I’ve seen him in years, but I worry about what other women will see and don’t think I would stand much of a chance if one of them seriously wants him. How do I hold his attention until I get to a point that I don’t need to worry about the lonely women who are looking for an Alpha?

Thank you, A Happy Nervous Wife

Athol: Everything is working as intended… for him at least.

If he’s trumped your sex rank well and truly and he isn’t cheating now, he isn’t likely to. He can still be tied to you emotionally via oxytocin/vasopressin bonding. The way to maximise that bond is to have sex with him, and it sounds like you have that covered lol.

Tell him that he’s won. I’m sure at some point in the past you were “less interested” and had a higher sex rank than him, and he got stung into action and now the tables are turned. So tell him that he’s won and you admit defeat and he’s hotter than you now… and you’re scared he’s going to cheat or leave you. Tell him you can’t cope with the idea of being dumped or cheated on by him because it will hurt too much. Tell him you are starting to think you have to leave before that happens because you couldn’t cope with the pain. Tell him you absolutely don’t want to go and you’re utterly in love with him. Ask for reassurance. I.e. he’s totally got Alpha down, but you’re looking for a little more Beta from him.

Make sense?

Reader: Wow, thank you for writing back. I did a little more searching around your blog after my emotional distress waned a little. I found a couple of posts that helped. Then after your return email I searched a little more with the information you gave me. Which by the way, does make sense.

I came across a post from last year that really helped (Read, Think, Stay.) A lot more makes sense.

My husband and I have been married for twenty-five years so we must definitely be oxytocin/vasopressin bonded. I understand that.

You discussed Dopamine, and the differences between you and Jennifer and how those differences affected the relationship, mainly the temptation for you to get emotionally involved with another woman. You obviously were able to pinpoint what was needed to rectify the situation and your attraction was once again focused on Jennifer. How did you go about this? How did you figure out what she needed to do to help you?

I’m not saying anything is wrong with us right now, actually things are very good. I want to ensure that they stay good. I want to match my husband, meeting him with everything he needs so that our relationship will continue onthe course it’s on.

Athol:   Sex has always been good and plentiful, but Jennifer has been rather easy for me and our weak point was their wasn’t much of a chase for me. As such, Jennifer is a lot more of a sexual tease with me these days.

I find when I’m starting to mentally wander off from being attracted to her, we play a game of tease and denial where she gives me handjobs, blowjobs, dresses sexier, gets me to bring her to orgasm, ties me up, blindfolds me, sits on my face and wiggle… and even intercourse…. but without letting me come to orgasm several times a day, for several days. It sounds very counter intuitive I know, but it’s an enormous build up of sexual energy and it creates a massive dopamine spike in relation to her. Thus I fall in love with her more. Also the final cumshot is quite spectacular. It’s not an everyday thing, or even every month, but once in a while it’s good. (Check more out on this at my How To Fall Back In Love With Your Wife post.)

Sometimes men just crave some outrageously intense sex. One option is having sex with a new partner. Another option is having your current partner tease you into a frenzy. I’m guessing you’d rather the second option lol.   You might like to own some of your own sexual power with him too. It’s fun. It takes some communication and trust, but ultimately it’s a sexual game played together. Talk first!

Comments

  1. Had a weight plateau myself a year or so back when I was getting back into shape. Couldn’t lose that last ten pounds. Then I got the flu, spent four days in absolute misery, and when I was healthy again, my weight was much closer to where I wanted it. So there’s always that option.

    More realistically, if she’s already planning her meals carefully and keeping track of calories and vital nutrients, just skip lunch twice a week without changing anything else. Have a friend who is big into weightlifting and bodybuilding who does that on his bulk/cut cycle, and it seems to work. He’ll actually eat a small handful of M&M’s to keep his blood sugar up, then chew gum to suppress his appetite. Double-check with a doctor before that, but it helps for overcoming the last few pounds.

    Athol, I’m curious about one point here. There’s a post over at Roissy’s that makes Susan Walsh break out in hives about dread – how the fear of losing a guy actually increases a woman’s attraction to him. Could be happening here, who knows. After some time spent vacillating on the subject, I’m in full agreement with Susan that dread is not a long-term strategy worth pursuing, but I’m still unsure about short-term, surgical use. Seems like a nasty word for part of the MAP. Thoughts?

  2. In my limited experience husbands tend to overlook some physical imperfections if other important things are going great including a wonderful sex life. This does not mean one gets lazy and expects unconditional love, but does mean there is some leeway for cases where doing one’s best may not lead to the perfect result. I think this could be called the rose coloured glasses effect! Oh .. and … its best not to always run oneself down to one’s husband – emphasise instead efforts to improve and the new lingerie! :-) C

  3. Athol has said it many times – and as I guy I can agree: A women can easily increase her sex rank several points by giving her man frequent high quality sex.
    Its that simple.

  4. Do more pairbonding oxytocin producing behaviors. Especially you should cuddle more. That produces much more oxytocin in relation to you.

    Do some reading around the manopsheres girly blogs and read stuff about cultivating femininity and also try to find some books about cultivating femininity. To me a very feminine eastern european or asian or latin woman that is a 7 outranks any western 8 with an average western level of femininity. Feminity has simply been diminished so much in the west we have become unaware of the impact. Furthermore, femininity tends to diminish with age so it is a way to utcompete those of your age and several years younger who has lost a lot of their femininity. It takes a lot of time, it is long term work, but really look into it.

  5. Yup. I’m not running the MAP to get sex from someone else – I’m doing it to get better/more frequent sex from my wife. I have no intentions of looking elsewhere.

  6. I agree, as long as he sees her making a valiant, consistent effort he’s not likely to be vulnerable to other women. To be honest, seducing a woman for the first time can be a lot of work, especially if you aren’t used to it, and when presented with a choice between the new-and-unknown and the Known-and-obtainable, most dudes will choose the latter out of pure laziness. That doesn’t mean you should ignore those other women — watch him with them and see how they admire them, and then go “mark your territory” (spontaneous, somewhat dangerous sex does this pretty well). As long as he knows he has a lioness ready to delight him he is far, far less likely to be interested in a passing kitten.

    But keep up the work. Don’t get discouraged, don’t get complacent, don’t get lazy. Consider your sex life another aspect of the long-term conversation you have had with him throughout your marriage, and don’t be afraid to express yourself. You’re actually in a pretty good position, if you can trust him (and it sounds like you can). So enjoy the ride, so to speak, and see how far it can take you.

  7. The reader sounds like a good wife and a good partner.

    I would echo what another commenter said above, a female can up her sex rank by being sexy, by being a tiger in the sack, by doing new and exciting things (maybe the teasing Athol suggested) etc…

    Working on bettering yourself in other areas will just make it better.

    Sounds like you and your husband have done a great job.

  8. OffTheCuff says:

    As the guys have said, a good man wants *you* to be more attractive. Making a sustained effort to improve your weight (or whatever matters to him) is worth far more than the results you get.

  9. Because weight and body image are linked closely to sexuality for many women, I just wanted to offer a couple of thoughts to the Reader regarding her weight loss plateau. One, even if you are going to the gym several times a week, you may not be getting enough exercise/physical activity to spur weight loss. If you are basically sedentary aside from your time in the gym (and most people are), you probably aren’t moving enough to lose weight. I strongly recommend getting a good pedometer (the Digiwalker brand is very good) and wearing it every day. Health experts recommend 10,000 steps per day for good health, but weight loss may require more like 12,000. The steps (i.e., the counts on the pedometer) will be a combination of physical activity you get while exercising and physical activity you get throughout the day. Most people have to figure out ways to incorporate more physical activity into their day in order to get to the 10,000-12,000 step range (e.g., taking a walk at lunch or after dinner, walking while the kids are at soccer practice, walking on a treadmill while watching TV, playing outside with younger children). Once you have lost a significant amount of weight (as it sounds like you have), this becomes more important, because a smaller body burns fewer calories. (A book called The Step Diet explains this phenomenon, and other facts about the effects of physical activity on weight loss, better than anything else I have read.) Two, even if you are eating a reasonable amount of calories you may need to improve your diet in order to see additional weight loss. If you haven’t done so, try eating a diet that consists mainly of fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and lean protein, and very few simple carbohydrates and processed foods. Best wishes with your continued weight loss efforts.

  10. On weight loss: cut your portions by 1/2, save the other 1/2 for later. It works, and I lost my weight from a previous pregnancy relatively quickly. Exercise does not burn nearly as much calories as advertised, so don’t rely on that alone. It’s for toning and muscle maintenance, and a good baseline metabolism boost. You still need to force your body to use up fat reserves to lose weight.

    On being a good wife: there are ways besides sex of keeping your husband happy and not get roving eyes. Be very attentive, sweet, complimentary and upbeat in general. Whenever men have an affair it’s usually with the woman who pays him attention, says nice compliments to him, and makes him feel happy around her because she exudes happiness. It’s never the sullen girl who doesn’t look him in the eye or doesn’t flirt with him. If your man is getting enough ego and joy boosts from you, his emotional needs are met, and since you’re also meeting his sexual needs, he is less likely to seek for more elsewhere.

    On dopamine and oxytocin: Find out what he’s passionate about hobby-wise and try to support him or join him. Passion is dopamine, and if you’re around when he’s getting those surges, he’ll associate that with you. Men love massages, too, but don’t like to ask for them. If you spontaneously give him neck rubs, back rubs, head rubs (both kinds ^_^), and foot rubs, that releases a ton of feel-good chemicals and lowers stress levels.

  11. Go paleo for the weight. Most of the mainstream health advice is as bad as the mainstream dating advice. Try marksdailyapple.com.

  12. sex him up constantly or at least regularly.

    and like she said above, just be positive.

    its really simple for most men.

  13. Anonymous age 70 says:

    Doctors have been giving out bad information on diets so long it’s very difficult to communicate with people. They think, what? Another stupid diet?

    Start at the beginning, with GOOD CALORIES BAD CALORIES by Gary Taubes. He explains why doctors did something as stupid as preaching low fat high carb. 95% of people of European descent need low carb, period.

    Low carb choices include Atkins; Taubes diet; paleo; omega; any diet that suits you as long as it’s low carb with plenty of fat and protein and gives you the vitamins and minerals you need. Starvation diets do not work long-term period, though that is what all the “experts” recommend, including the reduce portions poster on this blog.

    Neither do exercise diets. The old Atkins diet was too hard and too risky. the new Atkins (THE NEW ATKINS FOR THE NEW YOU) has plenty of vegetables and more salt to eliminate the problems of the old diet. And, Atkins never involves hunger.

    My son and I both weighed 220 when he was in medical school. Now, he is 165 and I am 175 with 110/66 b.p at age 70, We both used New Atkins, though the other low carb diets mentioned work for others.

  14. Regarding weight loss for your reader, I know how frustrating that can be. I was on a two-month plateau before I broke through. The only strategy that has worked for me is the following:

    1. Doing the right kind of cardio. Interval training is optimal. I was going too intense on the cardio before this, and was only burning glucose (to the point that I had constant low-blood-sugar headaches) instead of body fat. Also, keep track of how many calories you burn during cardio, and (here’s the important part) subtract the number of calories that you would have burned during that time anyway. That’ll leave you with the extra calories you burned just due to exercise.

    2. Add weight lifting if you haven’t already.

    3. Follow a paleo diet. I cut out all sugar, all starch, and all grains (even supposedly nutritious whole grains), and eat nothing but meat, vegetables, and a little bit of fruit and dairy. On top of this, you still want to keep track of your daily caloric intake to make sure that you are leaving yourself with a calorie deficit every day. Each pound of body fat contains 3500 calories, so to lose 2 lbs per week, you have to run a 7000-calorie deficit every week through a combination of diet and exercise.

    Most people who hit interminable plateaus or can’t seem to get the weight-loss started are eating exactly as many calories as they’re burning through exercise without even knowing it. That was my problem. I didn’t write down what I was eating, so I ate until I felt comfortable and only managed to achieve balance. Unfortunately, I have found that I have to be a bit hungry all day long in order to get into the weight-loss zone.

    The good news is, following these three steps guarantees weight loss. Once I implemented the steps, the weight started flying off, and I’m currently enjoying a steady 2-3 lb/week loss.

  15. I agree that people can lose weight on a low-carb diet, but many people find that they just can’t follow that sort of diet for an extended period of time. A Mediterranean-style diet – fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean protein, olive oil (in small quantities) – is much easier to adopt as a long-term lifestyle. Regarding exercise/physical activity, it’s critical for keeping weight off once you have lost it. You can lose weight just by cutting calories, but almost no one can maintain a low enough calorie level for an extended period of time to keep the weight off. Physical activity makes you feel great, feel better about your body, and feel sexy too! (Sorry Athol, for sidetracking this thread, but I do think that weight plays a critical role in how women feel about their bodies and, consequently, how they feel about sex.)

  16. Dreadpiratkevin says:

    As a husband in roughly the same position as the posters husband I don’t think she has anything to worry about. My wife and I have both been working hard to get fit and loose weight, but it’s just so much easier for me than it is for her, and I’m seeing great results and she, well, not so much yet. I’m sure my wife has similar feelings to the OP. But, as Ian says, men are lazy, and a good steady, guilt free sex life with my wife, even if she isn’t a 20 something hottie anymore easily trumps some pump and dump with a stranger that I have to work hard to attain and then carry the guilt around from for the rest of my life.

    When I look at my wife, I don’t just see her as she is now -40ish, chubby and slightly graying, I see the beautiful young woman I feel madly in love with 25 years ago, I see the woman who has borne me 5 incredible children and then given her life over to staying home and not only raising them, but homeschooling them into amazing people. I see the woman who stood by be through job losses and business failures, home foreclosures and near bankruptcy. I see the first person I want to tell about the successes in my life and the last person I want to hurt. I see the only person whose companionship will make growing old tolerable. Compared to that a little chub is nothing, and no other woman, no matter her sex rank is of any interest to me.

    The OP sounds like that rarest of things- a Good Woman. I bet her husband feels the same way I do.

  17. I echo what Anonymous age 70 said.

    My weapon of choice has been the paleo diet. Much has been written at two excellent sites that delve into the details:

    http://robbwolf.com/what-is-the-paleo-diet/
    http://marksdailyapple.com/

    I have a friend who was close to 200 lbs after 3 kids. She went Paleo and is now back to her high school weight of ~120 lbs. It took 1-1.5 years but let’s just say her husband isn’t going anywhere. They’re *very* happy.

  18. Beautifully stated, Dreadpiratkevin. That should be a great encouragement to every woman who is trying hard to be a great wife to her husband.

  19. Read Primal Blueprint 21 Day Challenge. I started it three weeks ago, I’m down 13 lbs already. Another pound and it will be only the third time being under 200 lbs since meeting my wife 14 years ago. I’m very confident I can get to 170 by the end of summer. It falls off. No bs.

  20. I didn’t come here expecting to comment. But I then read the following from Dreadpiratkevin:

    When I look at my wife, I don’t just see her as she is now -40ish, chubby and slightly graying, I see the beautiful young woman I feel madly in love with 25 years ago, I see the woman who has borne me 5 incredible children and then given her life over to staying home and not only raising them, but homeschooling them into amazing people. I see the woman who stood by be through job losses and business failures, home foreclosures and near bankruptcy.

    Amen. That is all.

  21. FeralFelis says:

    @ Dreadpiratkevin

    I got tears in my eyes when I read your post.

    I hope some day I might find my Cap’n even though he may not have known me when I was a dewey-eyed 25 year old. I hope that in my mid-50s and falling down the sex-ranks at an accelerated rate, I haven’t missed my opportunity to find that kind of relationship.

  22. I can echo Flippers comment. That was the core of my MAP. I lost 20lbs following it pretty well but not perfectly. I have since added crossfit classes and boxing and te weight loss has stopped at 200lbs but the fat to muscle conversion is high right now and I am defining and toning well.

    I have a a feeling I am approaching the same point with my wife. She started working out shortly after I did and lost weight but has stopped as well. She switched her food to the same as mine and hopes to resume. She heard someone at the office call me a hotty because of a new red shirt I was wearing and her sister told her I looked younger and sexy. She’s rolling with it for now but has said a few comments that show she is starting to notice the side attention I am pulling. She has also agreed to every sex initiation for the last 2 weeks and has texted me today about “taking care of me in the shower” after I get home from the gym. That would be great on its own but it’s been a long time since she has done anything during her period and a unique offer of a non-reciprocated sex act. Hope she follows through.

  23. Thank you all for the very uplifting posts.

    The Happy Nervous Wife is my beautiful bride. I can’t tell you how long I have been encouraging her. (I am her biggest fan.) She is her own worst critic though.

    @ Dreadpiratkevin–I could very well have written your comment–we have 5 children as well—we too homeschooled them–reared them to be productive adults. And yes my wife stood with me throughout the career changes, moves (including my Army years) and other life challenges. Indeed, finding a good woman to be a great wife is a rarity–but I have found my treasure.

    To all–thanks again for your helpful suggestions regarding weight loss–we will be implementing some of these in the near future.

  24. Dreadpiratkevin and Dave
    I would feel greatly honored if my husband ever says this about me. Hopefully I’m working hard every day to achieve that. Many blessings for your marriage and kids. :)

  25. Reader, if he loves you, he won’t stray. The married men who have hit on me all had shrieking harpies for wives, who treated them like they were a big dog underfoot in the kitchen.

    Enjoy the sex, have interests outside of the marriage (just like you did when you two were dating), discuss things other than the kids (be interesting — this is a great time in your life to try a new hobby), and surprise him with some new lingerie or a sex toy whenever you (or he) drops 10 pounds — as an incentive. Most of all, smile and laugh a lot. A happy wife is his happy life.

  26. Looks like the diet advice has been covered, so I’ll take a different tack. Make your good underwear your everyday underwear. Save the Hanes cotton panties for working out and wear pretty sets during the day. I personally find that lingerie sits in the drawer indefinitely because it’s too much of a hassle. If I’m already wearing something nice, I’m good to go. No matter your size, you can find beautiful, supportive sets. I also doubt that’s an expenditure your husband would object to. :)

    Getting good quality foundations can also change how you feel about your body when everything’s up in the right places. I find there’s a huge difference in how I carry myself and how my clothes fit depending on the foundations.

  27. From the sound of Dave’s response, the OP reader doesn’t need to be worried he will cheat. She has a good man. The sad truth is though, when you have a high value man, other women ALWAYS feel like a threat. Add to that all the talk about men’s natural desire to bonk anything younger than their wife and not much talk about morals playing a part to prevent him from doing so….you can cue the feeling of ‘dread’. I have lately fallen victim to thinking a man’s *nature* is the only governing rule for him. Thinking that way implies he can’t and wont try to stop himself from cheating. But that’s not fair to a mans integrity, morals and self respect and as a wife this needs to be taken into account.
    Husbands also need to be aware of their own actions. A nervous wife needs to see her husband pro-actively protecting their marriage too. If she feels like she is the only one doing it, it feels like a losing battle. I have felt this recently. My sex rank is as high as I can get it, and I still felt like I was failing due to my husbands behaviour. He thought his behaviour was harmless, but I didn’t. It filled me with dread every. time. he did it.
    A little pre-selection goes a long way. Men need be careful they don’t overdo it.

  28. @Feralfelis
    My Dad remarried (as a widower) in his seventies to a slightly older women and they had an excellent marriage until her death. So as long as you are realistic, there is hope for finding your Captain

  29. Reader should give up the back door, get out the blindfolds and cuffs, turn up the volume in general. After a few weeks of that, hell, hubby will feed her Twinkies if she wants.

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