Sexy Move: Warm The Bed

Warning: This post is so sweet it might give you diabetes.

Jennifer hates the cold. Hates, hates, hates being cold. She also isn’t fond of getting into a cold bed.

The heat for our house is in three zones and our bedroom is up in zone three and we hardly go in there until bedtime. Knowing that heat is being wasted makes my “Crazy Coupon Lady” anxious, and that makes it harder for her to orgasm. So zone three gets turned off during the day. My Alpha move of a colder evening is be all Captainy and turn on the heat in zone three about an hour before bed. Most nights I remember , but  sometimes it’s just not cozy warm up there yet by bedtime.

So if I get into the bed first and it’s still cold, while she’s in the bathroom brushing her teeth or tending to her vajay, I lie on her side of the bed warming it up with my Bodyheat (TM).

When she comes to bed finally, she’s always eyes-all-glassy-grateful for being able to slide into a warm bed. It’s all sickly sweet Beta goodness I know, but there you go.

Of course when you start the night of being naked on her side of the bed, she’s pretty much got to press herself against me to even get in the bed. Or just straight off climb on top of me. Bonus points for her getting into bed and discovering I’m already hard.

Jennifer:  /melt   (and lol Bodyheat (TM) )

Male Sexual Dominance is Super-Effective, But…

Ben:  Athol, can you give one example of where you’ve firmly, alpha, told Jennifer something explicit that you want? Are you saying something like, “I need you to lick my X, and do it hard?” Sorry for being explicit but I have a hard time being that specific because I feel like I’ve told her so many times what I like that if she really cared she’d do it. Of course it’s not working.

Athol: There’s two things going on here, so lets separate them.

The first thing is understanding that asking her to do sexual things relies on her attraction to you to be effective. If she’s not into you, asking that she do things sexually for you will be met with strong resistance. If she is into you, you won’t need to force her to do anything because she’ll want to.

The second part is knowing that being dominant in the bedroom is attractive to most women.

However simply being dominant in the bedroom, isn’t enough to make your overall attractiveness to her irrelevant. Being Alpha / confident / strong / forceful in the bedroom is merely a boost to your attractiveness.

The confusion comes from some guys being right on the bubble of getting her interested in him sexually, when they add being dominant to their overall attractiveness, suddenly their wife is turned on and the sex starts up. The reports from these men is that “Being dominant in bed is super-effective!” “She wasn’t doing anything before, now I just tell her what to do and she does it!”  Unfortunately the guys struggling with low attractiveness to their wives try the dominance thing and typically get met with withering looks of wifely disgust and made to feel like they had attempted a poorly planned rape.

Or using an easily understandable Pokemon metaphor…

When you’re playing your Pikachu vs a Squirtle, all your electric attacks are going to be super-effective because a Squirtle is a water Pokemon. Playing an Electric Pokemon against a Water Pokemon is a great move because Water is weak to Electric.  However, if you have a Level 6 Pikachu and your opponent has a Level 82 Squirtle, you’re still going to get your ass kicked. Sure all your electric attacks are going to be super-effective, but it’s just not going to be nearly enough to overcome the difference in level.

So coming back to what I do with Jennifer…

I tell her to do all manner of things in bed all the time and it’s super-effective in that she happily complies. Suck this, touch that, come over here, climb on top, put your ass in the air and so on and so on. I wake up well before she does on weekends and on Sunday left a note in our bathroom that said, “Brush your teeth, put on your heels and text me when you’re ready.” About two-and-a-half hours later she texted me from the bathroom and we had some nice doggy style with her leaning over the counter in the bathroom facing the mirror.

That all sounds crazy easy for me, but then I also have a stockpile of structural attraction in place with Jennifer. Like I’m a Level 77 Pikachu and she’s a Level 69 Squirtle. I’m going to get what I want because everything I do is going to be super-effective. So ultimately everything comes back around to fixing your structural issues limiting your attractiveness to women in general by running the MAP. Level up bro.

Jennifer: Those stripper heels are ridiculous by the way.  I need a spotter. And no I won’t wear them in public even for Athol, but yes I will wear them for some naked-except-for-his-favorite-shoes sex.  (And what’s with the Pokemon metaphors?!  Should I be frightened that I know who Pikachu and Squirtle are?)

Female Orgasm: Who Cares?

So what’s more important in getting your wife to be able to orgasm when you’re having sex together?

Is it…  Longer foreplay, or longer intercourse?

Well according to The Journal of Sexual Medicine Volume 6, Issue 1, pages 135–141, January 2009, the answer is in fact longer intercourse.

Hat tip to Badger for sending me the link, and lulz to Danny who would no doubt answer my question with “Who cares?” and has thus given me a controversial post title that draws female attention and yet does not give away the answer to the question being asked.

ABSTRACT Introduction. It has been asserted that women’s likelihood or consistency of partnered orgasm (her orgasm as a result of sexual activities with a partner) is determined by duration of foreplay, but not by duration of penile–vaginal intercourse.

Aims. The objective was to examine the extent to which women’s likelihood or consistency of partnered orgasm is associated with duration of foreplay, duration of penile–vaginal intercourse, and age.

Methods. In a representative sample of the Czech population, 2,360 women reported their consistency of orgasm with a partner (from “never” to “almost every time”), and estimates of their typical durations of foreplay and of penile–vaginal intercourse.

Main Outcome Measures. The association of consistency of partnered orgasm with typical durations of both foreplay and penile–vaginal intercourse.

Results. In univariate analyses, consistency of partnered orgasm was more associated with penile–vaginal intercourse duration than with foreplay duration (consistency also correlated negatively with age). In multivariate analysis, foreplay ceased to be a significant correlate of partnered orgasm consistency (the exclusion of respondents reporting a penile–vaginal intercourse duration of 1 minute or less did not alter the results).

Conclusions. When both sexual activity categories are examined in tandem on a population level, women’s likelihood or consistency of partnered orgasm is associated with penile–vaginal intercourse duration, but not with foreplay duration. In contrast to the assumptions of many sex therapists and educators, more attention should be given to improve the quality and duration of penile–vaginal intercourse rather than foreplay. Weiss P, and Brody S. Women’s partnered orgasm consistency is associated with greater duration of penile–vaginal intercourse but not of foreplay.

So what does that all mean? Should you stop all the foreplay and jump right to the P-in-V?

Well not exactly…

Personally I like foreplay just because I like people with boobs and find it pleasant to nuzzle them, put my face in between them and go blub-blub-blub. I don’t think it’s going to shock my readers to learn that I like having my cock sucked and played with before the joyous coitus I so richly deserve. The joke I used to tell Jennifer was that I was going to treat her like a postage stamp… first I’d lick her and then I’d stick her. So yeah, we like the slap and tickle under the duvet so to speak.

But what you need to understand is that your wife’s orgasmic response is related to your ability to be an Alpha in the bedroom. Part of that Alpha response is taking your time and enjoying yourself with the P-in-V. Or coming from the other direction… it doesn’t matter how long the foreplay is, she isn’t going to be very orgasmic with you if you’re a minute man.

Some of this is straight Time Before Writing programming. The village Alpha is going to enjoy as long as he likes with a woman because no one is going to bother to challenge him as he does it. A lesser male might be trying to get it done before another male tries to catch him with his pants down. You can see this same thing in the animal kingdom in many species as the lesser males on fringes try and get in and out as quickly as possible to avoid a confrontation with the real heavy hitter males. The stud males just take as long as they want.

The shape of the human penis is designed to create a small amount of suction inside the vagina as it’s thrust in and out, the purpose being to displace a rival’s semen. So the longer a man can keep up the thrusting, the better his chances are with being the one to father a child with the woman.

The other issue is that men having sex infrequently tend to have more semen stored up inside them, which creates a greater sexual tension and a faster progression to getting to the ejaculation part of their day… week… month… leap year. So they have greater need and less sexual skill, which are both signals to the woman that he’s not a particularly impressive male . There can be a vicious circle of lack of sex begetting yet more lack of sex.

Also there’s just a basic fitness issue at work for some men. I suspect some fat guys ejaculate at the one minute mark, because at the two minute mark they’d have a heart attack.

And song break…

Solutions…

Oldies but goldies. Get physically fit. Get some practice with self-control. If that means you have to practice jerking off and knowing exactly when your orgasm is going to hit and learn how to change the stimulation to make it last longer, then do that. Have more sex with her and/or unload the gun before jumping into bed with her.

If you’re getting close, make the call for a change of position. The 10-15 seconds to get her from one position to another can help you reduce how close to orgasm you are a good deal.

If you’re getting close and you can pull it off, you can tell her to finger herself to orgasm while you hold fairly still / periodically thrust.

You can also just pull out and go down on her again, or finger her to another orgasm, before climbing back on her.

Once you get a proper sense of exactly how much intensity you can handle, you’ll find there’s a certain level of intensity of thrusting that will have you on a “cruise control” where it feels quite good, but doesn’t start up the final ramping up toward orgasm. It may only be 5- 10% difference in vigor that’s the difference between you orgasming in ten minutes, and you orgasming in two minutes.

And as a final caveat… at some point a woman just doesn’t want you being inside her anymore and wants it to be over. After a certain point pleasure turns into pain and it stops being fun. You can always ask her to tell you when she wants you to come. One of the things Jennifer and I do is have her riding me cowgirl… a position I can last forever in if I want to… and when she wants  me to cum, she climbs off me and we do a short, sweet and rough missionary finish.

Jennifer: I feel like Goldilocks. This intercourse was toooo short. This intercourse was tooooo long. But this intercourse was juuuust right. Athol is a cross between a labrador puppy and a groping octopus…and I like it that way.

Undesired Outcomes Happen When You Are Undesired

Susan Walsh apparently loved “Are Women Like Exotic Pets” and I have a reader complaint in the comments to a particular line I wrote…

“…I’ve told her quite firmly that she will do X Y and Z to attract me or she will face undesired outcomes.”

Reader: That sounds horrible.

Translation: You’re an asshole!

Athol:  Ahhh… yeah… guilty as charged.

Look I do get other women interested in me you know. If Jennifer consistently failed to attract me, there would eventually be undesired outcomes for her. I’ve been explicitly clear about what does and doesn’t attract me and it’s absolutely not a mystery to her what works to pull my attention. I’m so conscious of what attracts me and sexually pleases me I gave her a one page cheat sheet to use lol. Plus it’s not all that hard to do, she can pretty much make me respond to her like she’s an Orion Slave Girl if she wants to.

Anyway… this is no different than for my male readers who come here because they are faced with the undesired outcomes of wives that have no interest in having sex with them, are about to divorce them, or are in affairs. If you fail to attract your partner, you will always experience undesired outcomes.

If you’re undesired by your partner, you’re going to have some undesired outcomes whether you want it or not. That’s what undesired means.

As an aside, I tell her “firmly” because she responds positively to my dominance over her. I’m not yelling, just communicating like an Alpha when I’m explaining my sexual needs. I tried gently luring out her sexual desires for the first decade or our marriage and found it vastly more effective to simply give her firm direction over what to do because she’s so submissive. She likes it, so I do it.

Jennifer: I have my own X Y and Z that Athol needs to do to attract me, or he’ll have undesired outcomes too.  (For example, be a good and attentive father, be productive with whatever work he’s doing, take care of himself physically, communicate with me, don’t have an affair, etc.)  And when he says he’s told me “firmly”…I’d say it’s more “clearly”…I appreciate not having to guess what he wants and what he’s thinking.  No matter how long we’ve been married I can’t read his mind.  (Oh and by the way, the Orion Slave Girls were actually the ones in charge.)

Are Women Like Exotic Pets?

Reader:   The Manosphere paints women in a pretty ugly light (by my standards), and I can’t help but think if it is really that bad, why bother at all?  If my SO’s true nature is like that, what is the purpose of being with her?  I already have children from my previous marriage.  At this point I simply want a friend and companion to be with, but what I’m being told is that no woman will ever understand me, understand my concerns or issues, and doesn’t really want to know what makes me tick.  The impression I get from them is that women are like kids at Disneyland:  They love the rides, but don’t want to know how they work, and would be disappointed to find out.

In your experience, is this true?  Do you find that you do not tell Jennifer some things because she doesn’t want to know?  Is being the captain really about being alone with another person right beside you?  I know that there is no truly equal relationship, and that’s fine.  But it is a far different thing to say that my SO simply wants to ride along wherever I go, and that as long as *I* am firm in my direction she will happily tag along.  I really am not looking for a passenger, I’d like a participant.  But at this point I don’t know if that is possible or practical.

I get the feeling that what is described is much more like owning an exotic pet than having a mate.  I am being told that it is my “job” and “duty” to “guide” her, which comes across to me an awful lot like “daddy” her. (not that being called daddy at appropriate times isn’t a good thing…)  I don’t want to be responsible for her moods or actions.  I’d like her to take control of that and come to me so that we can combine ideas and efforts to build something better.

Am I wishing for a pipe dream?  Is the secret to relationship success really about taking the brunt of the work and letting my mate pick what she wants to do from the list of responsibilities?  If so, then I feel very much like I will forever being doing far more “work” than she ever will.  No, not like washing dishes or folding laundry, I mean the interpersonal inner/spiritual/soul kinda work.  The stuff that builds an emotional bond.  How can I emotionally bond with someone if I can’t tell her how I really think and feel?  How can we support each other if we don’t understand each other?  Can I ever expect her to understand on any level the dedication and work I’m putting in?  How can I keep her from taking me for granted if she has NO idea what I’m doing to make things work?

Sorry, I know that’s a lot of crap in a short burst, but I know you are busy and I don’t want to take up too much of your time.  As far as it goes, everything you’ve told me and written has been spot on, I just don’t like what I’ve found behind the curtain at Disneyland.

Athol:  The Manosphere can be a black hole sucking in all your happiness and positive thoughts can’t escape it.

Most of the Game websites view women exactly as you say, as “exotic pets” and they give advice as such. Frankly though if women really are exotic pets, you shouldn’t mess with one at all. Eventually every animal has a bad day, and a 400 pound tiger having a bad day isn’t the same as a 10 pound cat having a bad day. Likewise if women are essentially dangerous wild animals, divorce and cheating are essentially assured unless you relentlessly manage their behavior. If that were truly the case, my advice would be to buy a Fleshlight, a ten-foot-pole and the highest quality streaming porn money can buy.

Rather than debate what they say, let me restate my thoughts.

Both men and women have biological drives toward a primary pair bond and opportunistic sex. Both men and women have modern socialization, education and intellect. Both men and women have access to technology that can gain some degree of control over sexual outcomes. Both men and women have rationalization hamsters.

Most importantly, both men and women can have either an unconscious relationship, or a conscious relationship. By unconscious relationship, I mean they simply go along through life believing that all their feelings and thoughts are something that they have no control over or ever hope to understand. If they are horny, it’s because they are horny. If they are in love, it’s because they are in love. If they are happy, it’s because they are happy.

The conscious relationship however acknowledges that we have a ton of hormones and neurotransmitters following ancient programming telling us how to think and feel. If we are horny, it’s because of testosterone surging through our veins. If we are in love, it’s because of dopamine. If we are happy, it’s because our needs are being meet and we are enjoying things. Because we are conscious of these things, we can also exert some conscious control over them by our actions. We can actually adapt and outwit our own biology to some extent. We can understand that we’re designed for a primary pair bond and also opportunistic sex, and be able to pull off monogamy by having regular sex together, and also some highly irregular high intensity sex together. One hits the oxytocin response, the other hits the dopamine one. Thus fooled, our bodies relax and tell us we’re happy.

What most of the Manosphere advises assumes that the male is conscious (“Takes the Red Pill”) and the female is unconscious. What I generally seem to find happening with MMSL is both men and women become conscious. My hunch is about 25-35% of my readership are couples. Sometimes the husband finds MMSL first, sometimes the wife does.

The Captain and First Officer model of marriage is ideally a “both conscious” model of functioning. It acknowledges both the biological drives of male dominance and female hypergamy and harnesses them for their erotic potential within the marriage. But at the same time it acknowledges that this is a free will choice to create a hierarchical dyad, and while inside the relationship is male dominance and female submission, outside the relationship is an open playing field. Within the marriage I lead Jennifer, outside of the relationship I am a male nurse and when a female doctor writes an order… I follow it. Outside the relationship Jennifer complies with males that are in positions of social dominance over her, but she doesn’t have sex with them.

Jennifer is my best friend. I’ve told her things about myself that no one else knows. I’m her lover and I consciously choose to attract her. She’s also my lover and I’ve consciously told her things to do that attract me. Also because this is the way sexuality works, I’ve told her quite firmly that she will do X Y and Z to attract me or she will face undesired outcomes.

If your SO is conscious and self-aware, I think there’s plenty of hope for a genuinely deep friendship along with the nuts and bolts of having to keep up the basic opposite sex attractiveness. Wife selection is absolutely critical though. Some women believe they are exotic animals, and they should be avoided. You can’t make a tiger into a house cat. Personally I find Jennifer to be a wonderful pet, after all, who doesn’t love an affectionate pussy that likes jumping into your lap.