MMSL Reading Husband Is Hot Now. Wife Happy But Getting Nervous

Reader:  Ok, here’s an email from a wife. My husband has been reading through your book. He’s been applying a lot of what he’s learned in there. He’s had a lot of those moments when past situations now make sense and he sees where things were wrong. He’s a different man, I can see it, he can feel it and we both like it. He’s been working out and looks great. He’s had to purchase smaller sized clothing and muscles are showing up where I’ve never seen them before on him. Frankly, I can’t get enough of him. I like him being Alpha and leading our family, and I like some of the Beta he’s kept. I know it’s a process and there’s still a lot yet to do, but what has taken place so far is …well, it’s really good. So now I would like some advice from the other side of the coin.

I have read bits and pieces of your book. I figure it’s not my place to change my husband so I really haven’t dove into the information in it; I need to work on myself. And I have. Over the past couple of years I have lost a good amount of weight, and I’ve worked on other areas as well. I still have a considerable amount of weight to lose but have found myself at a standstill since last summer. I understand sex rating and from what I’ve seen in your book and on your blog women may soon be eyeing my husband like a piece of candy. They’ll be interested.

I feel like I’m getting left in the dust. I’m doing all I can to get back on track, I’m watching my food intake, working with a trainer once a week, my husband and I go to the gym another few times a week and work out together. Nothing is working to get me over this plateau. Don’t ask about seeing a doctor, I know everything there is to know about my physical status and nothing is present to deter any further weight loss. So what does the wife do when her husband becomes all he can be from reading the information you’ve put out there, and his status raises above hers and she’s left trying, but just not making it. We’re all human, and if some woman puts her sites on Mr. 8 while Mrs. 6 is still working at trying to match him…well, the temptation might be too strong and all that new testosterone surging through his veins might make it even more difficult for him to resist.

No, this isn’t a joke. I’m serious. I love the man emerging from within my husband and I want to be the wife that he needs and wants. I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all and can’t seem to catch up. He isn’t showing any hint of being unhappy at all, he’s happier than I’ve seen him in years, but I worry about what other women will see and don’t think I would stand much of a chance if one of them seriously wants him. How do I hold his attention until I get to a point that I don’t need to worry about the lonely women who are looking for an Alpha?

Thank you, A Happy Nervous Wife

Athol: Everything is working as intended… for him at least.

If he’s trumped your sex rank well and truly and he isn’t cheating now, he isn’t likely to. He can still be tied to you emotionally via oxytocin/vasopressin bonding. The way to maximise that bond is to have sex with him, and it sounds like you have that covered lol.

Tell him that he’s won. I’m sure at some point in the past you were “less interested” and had a higher sex rank than him, and he got stung into action and now the tables are turned. So tell him that he’s won and you admit defeat and he’s hotter than you now… and you’re scared he’s going to cheat or leave you. Tell him you can’t cope with the idea of being dumped or cheated on by him because it will hurt too much. Tell him you are starting to think you have to leave before that happens because you couldn’t cope with the pain. Tell him you absolutely don’t want to go and you’re utterly in love with him. Ask for reassurance. I.e. he’s totally got Alpha down, but you’re looking for a little more Beta from him.

Make sense?

Reader: Wow, thank you for writing back. I did a little more searching around your blog after my emotional distress waned a little. I found a couple of posts that helped. Then after your return email I searched a little more with the information you gave me. Which by the way, does make sense.

I came across a post from last year that really helped (Read, Think, Stay.) A lot more makes sense.

My husband and I have been married for twenty-five years so we must definitely be oxytocin/vasopressin bonded. I understand that.

You discussed Dopamine, and the differences between you and Jennifer and how those differences affected the relationship, mainly the temptation for you to get emotionally involved with another woman. You obviously were able to pinpoint what was needed to rectify the situation and your attraction was once again focused on Jennifer. How did you go about this? How did you figure out what she needed to do to help you?

I’m not saying anything is wrong with us right now, actually things are very good. I want to ensure that they stay good. I want to match my husband, meeting him with everything he needs so that our relationship will continue onthe course it’s on.

Athol:   Sex has always been good and plentiful, but Jennifer has been rather easy for me and our weak point was their wasn’t much of a chase for me. As such, Jennifer is a lot more of a sexual tease with me these days.

I find when I’m starting to mentally wander off from being attracted to her, we play a game of tease and denial where she gives me handjobs, blowjobs, dresses sexier, gets me to bring her to orgasm, ties me up, blindfolds me, sits on my face and wiggle… and even intercourse…. but without letting me come to orgasm several times a day, for several days. It sounds very counter intuitive I know, but it’s an enormous build up of sexual energy and it creates a massive dopamine spike in relation to her. Thus I fall in love with her more. Also the final cumshot is quite spectacular. It’s not an everyday thing, or even every month, but once in a while it’s good. (Check more out on this at my How To Fall Back In Love With Your Wife post.)

Sometimes men just crave some outrageously intense sex. One option is having sex with a new partner. Another option is having your current partner tease you into a frenzy. I’m guessing you’d rather the second option lol.   You might like to own some of your own sexual power with him too. It’s fun. It takes some communication and trust, but ultimately it’s a sexual game played together. Talk first!

Sin or Misery: Birth Control

Before anyone says I hate Catholics simply because I’m atheist… no I don’t. Really I don’t. I have some pretty pointed criticisms of “the church” as an institution, but I’ve known and liked plenty of Catholics in my lifetime. Pre-Jennifer I’ve even dated Catholics, fondled their breasts and found it pleasing. I disagree with what you believe in obviously, but I don’t have a pressing need to turn you to the dark side. I don’t team up with atheist buddies and go knocking door to door asking people if they would be interested in visiting the planetarium.

However…

If you write to me and say you’re a Catholic in a sexless marriage, primarily because your wife is terrified of having more children, that’s when I start experiencing a pain in my right temple that travels behind my right eye and makes it twitch a little. Then I’m going to say something like “Ahhh… have you considered birth control?”

When I suggest birth control, please then don’t explain-to-me-more-slowly-that-you-are-Catholic-and-cannot-use-birth-control-and-need-a-different-answer-that-you-can-actually-use. I know that, I was purposely suggesting that you stop being miserable and start sinning a little. I know, I know, that’s clutch-the-pearls-immoral for me to suggest isn’t it. (I’ll let you into a secret, the devil and I do a session together on Sundays to discuss ways of being more evil. I’m not going to say how much I charge him though.)

Look being completely objective about this, if you have a religiously based cockblock stopping your sex life from being happy, then that’s the cause of the problem. Your options are either to do some fancy bible study to find a way to approve what you want to do sexually, dump that particular aspect of religious belief (which is exactly what 98% of Catholics in America do on the birth control issue), or dump the religion completely. But more religious activity, more church attendance, more prayers, more giving, more pleading to God to make the misery end, isn’t going to solve your sexual problem. More of the cause of the problem isn’t going to be a solution.

Look I want to help, really I do, but I can’t fix this sort of problem. I’m also not going to pretend to you should just trust in God to provide and say you’re well overdue for a little bareback doggystyle either. Because from my point of view, suggesting that would be immoral. I just want everyone to have an enjoyable sex life and married people to enjoy being married. When your choices are either sin or misery, and sinning makes you miserable, you’re miserable either way. Is that not a terrible cruelty to have programmed into you?

 

Stop Trying To Make Her Like You

There’s a very common tendency for people to keep doing what worked at first, and when faced with the reduced positive response to doing what they were doing, to do it harder, faster, stronger and more seriously. This usually does result in a return of positive response, but eventually that dies out too. So it’s a re-doubling of the effort in vain hope for more positive response. At some point though, whatever was a positive in the beginning, turns into a colossal effort to get next to nothing.

So whatever the cause of your sexual problem is, the solution is not to double up on whatever caused the problem. If you’re over-doing the Beta, more Beta is not the answer. If you’re over-doing the Alpha, more Alpha is not the answer. If the problem is you’re getting fat and ugly, eating twice as much food and being lazier is not the answer. If you were climbing all over her trying to get her to like you, the solution is not to try and climb inside her ass and try it from there.

Do something different. Anything different. It will probably work better than you expect.

I’m all about fixing problems and self-improvement and being a better man… “the best version of yourself you can be.”  But sometimes we have this colossal problem that fixates in our mind and cannot ever seem to be addressed. We’ve tried to change it, tweak it, plead with it and struggle with it for what seems like an enternity. And we despair of ever fixing it.

I see this all the time with women trying to lose weight who have tried dozens of programs, methods, diets, plans and routines. And none of it works for very long. Their problem is as much part of their identity as anything. They would be much better off just giving up trying to fix the weight issue, and fixing the multitude of other little problems that are fixable in their life. Be the best version of them without getting to the weight issue just yet. After all the other stuff is caught up, maybe the weight comes off easier. Maybe it comes off by itself once you stop paying focused direct attention to it. A watched pot never boils and all that.

Likewise your wife’s feelings for you can be the same way. Maybe she just isn’t into you very much and you’ve tried everything under the sun to try and change her mind about you… and none of it works for very long. Frankly you’d be much better off just not trying anymore to get her to like you. Go work on everything else and fix that first. Clean out the garage like you’ve been meaning to. Sort out the crap you were going to donate. Finish off that thing you haven’t finished off. Go to school for that course you needed to do but haven’t yet. Maybe while you’re doing all that she starts to think more kindly of you. Maybe she starts to miss you a little. Wonders what you’re up to in the garage for so long and comes looking for you.

Stop trying to make her happy. You can’t make her happy, you can only attract her…

…and you sure can’t get a woman to be attracted to you by climbing all over her and trying to make her happy.

The Whip App

I love the Big Bang Theory…

I’m also having fun with one of the many “Whip Apps” you can find for your phone.

It’s like a Display of High Value just to call out other people on their weakness. Plus it’s hysterical in it’s obnoxiousness. I’m quite looking forward to going to work tomorrow.

A Questionable But Evidence Based Test For Oneitis

Somewhere in a questionably therapeutic setting…

Okay, well we’ve talked about this in circles for a couple weeks now, and it just seems to me that your wife is quite horrible to you, but you have this obsessive romantic love for her and can’t disengage from the toxic pattern of behaviors that you both have. I’ve tried explaining this to you several times in a few different ways, but you always start defending her and getting angry with me… which is of course just a symptom of your irrational romantic feelings for her. Quite objectively speaking, if I treated you like she treats you, you would have stopped coming to see me for these questionable therapy sessions long ago.

In short, I believe you have Oneitis.

Look you can deny it all you like, but there is a practical and evidence based testing procedure for diagnosing Oneitis and I suggest we simply do the test and let the results speak for themselves.

Agreed?

Great.

Okay the first thing you do for the Oneitis test is you get down on your hands and knees and shut your eyes. Yup, hands and kness, eyes shut. No don’t pay any attention to the brick therapy rock I have in my right hand. No no… just relax, if I do this right you won’t really feel a thing.

Ready?

Good.

Whoa! Dude! Dude wake up. There we go big guy. There we go. You took a little tumble there. Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to lean back on your chair? Dizzy? Feel okay? Alrighty I think this is about enough for today’s session. Probably time to head home.

What’s that big guy? You don’t really remember where you live? Hmmm… that’s a bit tricky isn’t it. Oh wait you got your wallet with your drivers license in it right? Well that’s got your address on it and you can use your smartphones GPS thingy to find your way home. So you’ll be fine.

Oy you don’t remember who you live with? Oh no that’s entirely unexpected big guy. Let’s see, well you’ve got a wedding ring on, so obviously you’re married. Hmmm gimme your phone a sec. Hmmm… well you’ve got like nine calls in the phone log over the last two weeks from a “Julie” and some text messages as well. Let’s see… oh.. hmmm.. yeah… okay you’re married to Julie for sure. And…. oh look, there’s a picture of you and some woman and you have your arm around her, so that’s probably Julie. Cute huh. How wonderful for you, she looks like a catch.

So… you feel okay to drive right? Great. Okay well why do we just stop here for today and we can do this same time next week, and you get yourself home to Julie. Bye! Oh! And probably best not to worry her about your memory loss or anything, I’d sure it will all come back soon enough. Just act normal.

ONE WEEK LATER

Hi! So how goes it? Any of your memories coming back yet? Damn that sucks. That’s entirely unexpected.

So how are things going between you and Julie? I guess you’ve only really known her for a week now right? So based on how she’s been treating you for that one week…

…how do you like her?