Sexy Move: Whiten Your Teeth

I’ve always had a thing for Helen Hunt. I’ll defend that by saying she’s looks a little like Jennifer except hampered by being too tall. Jennifer actually has a pair of six inch heels that require a spotter and it’s actually mildly disturbing to see her so tall. So I usually bend her over something and provide “balance support.”

Anyway… ahhh….

Oh, Helen Hunt. Okay so I have a mild thing for Helen Hunt and I’m watching Twister on TV as a rerun and I cannot place why she looks so shitty in that movie. I’m wondering what is wrong with me when I remember her looking so good. I mean this was a big summer movie. Suddenly I get it… her teeth look terrible. After I notice it, I can’t stop noticing it.

I didn’t get the memo when teeth whitening became a Hollywood requirement, but Twister was filmed in 1996 and apparently before the rule came into effect. Nowadays of course, every media person and Paris Hilton’s purse dog has whitened teeth. So that’s what is officially attractive as far as teeth are concerned. If you want the evolutionary psych explanation, white teeth are an indicator of youth and good nutrition, stained teeth are an indicator of old age and bad nutrition.

The good news is that there’s a bunch of over the counter stuff you can try and for less than $50 you can make some decent improvements in the way you look. It’s probably one of the easier moves to do to boost your overall attractiveness as you run the MAP. It’s also a good signal to your spouse that you are actually taking action toward looking more attractive as well. Going to the gym and working out is perhaps just you on a health kick. You going to the gym and whitening your teeth is unquestionably you trying to look better. That has a little more oomph in getting the wife’s hamster up to speed that you’re up to something.

Of course if you have any kind of dental issue, broken teeth, crooked teeth, missing teeth, yada yada yada, you really should just get to the dentist and have the work done as soon as you can afford it / insurance covers it. Your smile is a vital attractiveness marker. It’s really hard to feel perky and fun when you don’t want to open your mouth in case people see your medieval chompers.

Oh yeah and for the love of James. T. Kirk, please brush, floss and do whatever it is you need to do to get any breath odor under control. Buy some damn mints or something. Coffee breath has a range of six feet you close talking bastard.



  1. Poor dental hygiene is unacceptable. Especially bad breath and tartar.

  2. Jacquie says:

    I wanted to throw out a suggestion, something that I do for whitening and overall health of my teeth, gums, etc. I mix peroxide with baking soda into a paste and brush with that. Not everyday, but once or twice a week works well. I know my hygenist wasn’t too pleased when I told her, warned me about some hazards and such, but have you looked into the poison they call flouride. Anyway, this combination has whitened my teeth to a more natural shade of white than what I’ve seen from some of the over the counter products and costs a whole lot less.
    Another benefit I got from this combination is the healing after dental work. When I went for a check up after some major work the results shocked my dentist and hygenist. They’d told me that after the work was done I’d have to have check ups every three months, but after seeing how well my gums healed I’m still on schedule for every six months. (Darn they just didn’t get to double their income this time)
    It doesn’t have the same taste as the mint flavored pastes out of the tube, but you don’t need to use it daily, just enough to whiten your teeth and promote healthy gums.

  3. Dreadpiratkevin says:

    I’ve always had a thing for Helen Hunt as well, at least since Mad About You. But did you see her in Soul Surfer? Wow, what happened? I had to look up the movie to confirm that it was her. Still very fit, and attractive in an older lady way, but totally different than she used to look, kinda dried out.

  4. I’ve found that brushing your tongue or using a tongue scraper to get all the whitish food residue off basically gets rid of morning breath for me and my girlfriend. It also feels pretty good.

  5. (R)Evoluzione says:

    @Jackie, the OTC stuff is usually just peroxide based anyway. Your hygienist was just pissed because you’re taking money out of her pocket. Years ago dentists would recommend gargling with peroxide for bad breath. It works, and it’s not harmful if you don’t go overboard. Our own white blood cells manufacture hydrogen peroxide, it’s how they digest foreign invaders, so our bodies are clearly capable of dealing with this substance.

    Oh, and there’s a plant that makes it in its leaves. Darn it if I can’t remember which plant, but I recall people using this stuff as a home remedy for teeth whitening for eons, but why not just use the OTC stuff. Quicker & easier, at least until the zombie apocalypse. Then you go to the natural stuff.

  6. Tried some of the OTC stuff at one point, but I stopped using it after hearing that it can cause / exacerbate problems with sensitive teeth (which is something I have a history of; Sensodyne mostly keeps it under control as long as I don’t overdo it on the sweets).

    Just curious if anyone knows of anything that can help with the whiteness without turning my chompers into little crybabies that give me crap when I bite down wrong?

  7. Big Jay says:

    There is a product among the dental hygiene products called Closys. It is a neutral tasting (doesn’t really taste like anything) mouthwash that contains stabilized chlorine dioxide. The chlorine ions break apart sulfur compounds (which cause the persistent bad breath) in your mouth and in the back of your throat. Swishing two capfuls before you brush will do wonders for bad breath. I had noticed that my wife wasn’t as in to kissing me as she was when we were first married. She just didn’t like it. When I started using Closys she was back to her old kissing self. She remarked that I never have bad breath anymore. Anyway that was the problem. Not bad bad breath, just bad enough breath that she didn’t want to make out with me anymore. — Anyway – totally worth the money.

  8. I’m MAPping it up and this is one thing that I started with, and something my wife noticed right away. I got one of those “pharmacy-strength” Crest packs from my dentist. You have to do it twice a day for 21 days. I’m about 14 days in and my wife has enthusiastically commented that it’s working and that my teeth look better. Also been exercising like a WAW and have dropped about 10 pounds (I’m pretty lean so not much more to drop) but I now no longer fit into my pants and have told the wifester that I’m going to buy some new pairs, plus a smaller belt, plus some sassy shirts and maybe a new pair of shoes. I’m sexy and I know it.

  9. Beeping Slooty says:

    Taking care of your dental health is very important. I am a dental professional and my advice is to brush at least twice a day, thoroughly, and floss at least once per day. Dental treatments are insanely expensive, so prevention really is key.

    A healthy smile with shiny bright teeth is very attractive. I agree with the poster who suggested the hydrogen peroxide and baking soda combo. These ingredients are very healthy for the gums, they kill bacteria (better breath!), they help remove stains, and they neutralize acidity which helps reduce risk of cavities.

  10. mmaier2112 says:

    Just some hopefully helpful advice:

    Going low-carb and more natural in my foods got rid of my breath issues. If that’s not your thing, get “Mint Assure” tablets. I keep them handy for when I go overboard with stinky foods. They work miracles, almost instantly. I ordered them from Amazon after local stores stopped carrying it.

    I also don’t brush or floss anything close to twice a day and I don’t get complaints except for after eating lots of onions and/or garlic. But then it’s usually oozing from my pores, too.

  11. Dreadpiratekevin –

    Yeah, she hit the wall pretty hard… I remember thinking how much she seemed to have aged between the end of “Mad About You” and her movie roles a couple of years later. But I give her credit for not attempting to botox/collagen her way back to her 20s.

  12. I already got a groupon for teeth whitening. I am not going to tell the wife, I am just going to wait and see if she notices.

  13. “Going . . . more natural in my foods got rid of my breath issues. If that’s not your thing, get “Mint Assure” tablets. I keep them handy for when I go overboard with stinky foods.”

    Good advice! I find that your breath reflects your digestion and also the quality of food you eat. The people I know who eat junk food or lots of meat have bad breath. I’m a regular meat-eater, but I balance my diet with lots of raw fruits and veggies. When I was raw vegan I didn’t even have morning breath. Of course, I also felt like crap, so that wasn’t the answer for me.

  14. Another easy and all-day breath fix are peppermint gel pills. You can get them at most health-food stores.
    They aid in digestion, too.
    I know what you mean about the celebrity teeth thing. I think our standards for teeth have gone way up!
    Was watching “The Outsiders” with some hunky Hollywood men in their youth (Patrick Swayze, Rob Lowe, Tom Cruise, etc). I hadn’t remembered their teeth all looking so bad!

  15. Flipper says:

    1saleaday has deeply discounted teeth whitening kits on sale today. Just FYI

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