Stop Trying To Make Her Like You

There’s a very common tendency for people to keep doing what worked at first, and when faced with the reduced positive response to doing what they were doing, to do it harder, faster, stronger and more seriously. This usually does result in a return of positive response, but eventually that dies out too. So it’s a re-doubling of the effort in vain hope for more positive response. At some point though, whatever was a positive in the beginning, turns into a colossal effort to get next to nothing.

So whatever the cause of your sexual problem is, the solution is not to double up on whatever caused the problem. If you’re over-doing the Beta, more Beta is not the answer. If you’re over-doing the Alpha, more Alpha is not the answer. If the problem is you’re getting fat and ugly, eating twice as much food and being lazier is not the answer. If you were climbing all over her trying to get her to like you, the solution is not to try and climb inside her ass and try it from there.

Do something different. Anything different. It will probably work better than you expect.

I’m all about fixing problems and self-improvement and being a better man… “the best version of yourself you can be.”  But sometimes we have this colossal problem that fixates in our mind and cannot ever seem to be addressed. We’ve tried to change it, tweak it, plead with it and struggle with it for what seems like an enternity. And we despair of ever fixing it.

I see this all the time with women trying to lose weight who have tried dozens of programs, methods, diets, plans and routines. And none of it works for very long. Their problem is as much part of their identity as anything. They would be much better off just giving up trying to fix the weight issue, and fixing the multitude of other little problems that are fixable in their life. Be the best version of them without getting to the weight issue just yet. After all the other stuff is caught up, maybe the weight comes off easier. Maybe it comes off by itself once you stop paying focused direct attention to it. A watched pot never boils and all that.

Likewise your wife’s feelings for you can be the same way. Maybe she just isn’t into you very much and you’ve tried everything under the sun to try and change her mind about you… and none of it works for very long. Frankly you’d be much better off just not trying anymore to get her to like you. Go work on everything else and fix that first. Clean out the garage like you’ve been meaning to. Sort out the crap you were going to donate. Finish off that thing you haven’t finished off. Go to school for that course you needed to do but haven’t yet. Maybe while you’re doing all that she starts to think more kindly of you. Maybe she starts to miss you a little. Wonders what you’re up to in the garage for so long and comes looking for you.

Stop trying to make her happy. You can’t make her happy, you can only attract her…

…and you sure can’t get a woman to be attracted to you by climbing all over her and trying to make her happy.


  1. “Go work on everything else and fix that first.”

    I agree absolutely and wholeheartedly with the message of this post. It’s a danger signal to women when a guy’s neglecting having a full life in favor of trying to make us like him. We don’t want to be the most interesting thing in your life–we want someone we can brag about.

  2. This post put me in mind of the Seinfeld episode “The Opposite,” where George decides his instincts have led him astray every time so he’s going to do the opposite. His first move is to walk up to a beautiful girl (who he would normally never have approached) and say to her, “Hi, my name is George. I’m unemployed and live with my parents.” And it works!

    It worked for George because he went from being a Beta supplicant to (relatively) Alpha. Admittedly, “I’m unemployed and living with my parents” is not a DHV. But the attitude of “Here’s who I am and I don’t really care if you like it or not” is very Alpha.

    So if you’ve been trying to make her happy, and it’s not working, you have nothing to lose by doing the opposite.

  3. This post couldn’t be put any better. I would venture to say that for the majority of men out there, following this advice alone could possibly save a troubled marriage, get them laid more, and change them in so many ways. I used to literally follow my wife around the house on a Saturday, just hoping for a window to sex. Now, I do my thing and she comes looking for me to have sex. It is such a turn off to her to have her “man/boy” chase her around, but she is totally turned on by her MAN cleaning out the garage, throwing a ball with the kids, changing the oil in the car or working in the yard. Thank you Athol, your words inspire me every day and have changed my marriage forever!

  4. Well said, Athol. I would only add that in any LTR trying to make your woman happy is an exercise in futility, and gives her an opportunity to try out the new Spring line of shit-tests. If you think making her happy is the same as making her horny, you’re wrong and probably chronically under-laid.

    Instead, just make sure she has what she needs. Beyond that . . .keep her guessing.

    Seriously, don’t let her think she’s got you pegged. From a female perspective, a woman is interested in you to the extent that she cannot figure out how you work. That uncertainty produces anxiety, but it also produces excitement, and that’s the key. As Athol says, if something worked once, don’t count on it to work again. You have to change it up, and then keep changing it up so that the moment she thinks she has you figured out, you zig instead of zag and she’s back to being perplexed and horny.

    Predictability is a great Beta trait that a lot of women find attractive … in theory. The ability to consistently surprise her with your abilities, creativity, capacities, and thought processes is far more valuable for those looking to buff their Alpha. If that means you have to continually challenge yourself to expand your horizons to give her that uncertainty, then good. If it was easy, everyone would do it, and then what would we be talking about?

  5. Yes to this. Have you ever had a dog that acted like you coming home was the most amazing thing in the world? Like he thought you abandoned him forever, and he jumps all over you and licks you to death and is so excited to see you that he’s tripping on himself? Yeah…I put my dog outside when I get home.

  6. feralfelis says:

    @ Iron: OK, I have a question but don’t want to hijack the thread:
    “make sure she has what she needs.”

    In a relationship where there are no child care requirements and both partners (in their mid-50’s) work, if a woman expresses the following needs, is she being “needy”?

    One (no more than two) text during the day just to say you’re thinking about me (not a simple exchange of information). The hotter, the better!

    One hour of quality time (TV-off conversation, TV-on sports watching our teams play each other, working on yard maintenance time together, etc) plus up to an hour of sex or other physical intimacy each day

    Friday, add an extra hour of quality time (go to a movie, go dancing, more time for sex/physicality, etc) ?

    Saturday OR Sunday (not both), add an extra 4-6 hours of uninterrupted quality time (going for a drive in the country, marathon sex/physical play, extended project together, museum visit, visit to relatives, etc)?

  7. Anonymous says:

    Ian’s post all but screams “Borg” to me. Sure you can shoot them with a phaser a couple of times but then they figure out what you are doing and adapt. You have to keep “modulating your frequency” so they don’t figure out your next move before you do. Of course I’m saying this as fairly predictable Beta guy myself, but I’m starting to make changes. Maybe demonizing the female gender as the most ruthless and cold-blooded villain in all of Star Trek-dom is a little harsh, but theory is sound.

  8. Hi Athol,

    Just a reminder to change your favicon from the generic Genesis one to your own MMSL one. The all-in-one-favicon plugin works well.


  9. feralfelis – are those expectations hard for you to meet? That just sounds like normal married life to me….what prompted her to lay it all out like that? I mean, you guys don’t like eat together just as a normal course of action? I notice a number of mentions of sexual requirements – sexy texts, nightly sex etc. Do you know how many guys here are shooting to achieve that?! What prompted her to have to lay that out for you? I’m just curious because I read that and although it never occured to me what my time requirements are in a relationship – those are pretty much them…I’ve been in a marrige where we spent a lot less time than that together…and it didn’t take that long to feel that we were simply roomates/business partners and my emotional ties were to other people….Can a few other people weigh in on this? I’m just curious about where others stand…

  10. feralfelis says:

    I AM the woman! LOL!
    I spelled it out like that because I was told recently that I am “needy” and that *I* am being like the doggie welcome home committee… I normally come home last, go over, grab his butt (or something) and say, “MMMMMM… missed you, baby!” or some such greeting. Not always sexual, but I normally go right to him when I come home.
    Hmmm…I think maybe I need the red pill! Oh, wait! I just realized this entire blog post was directed at ME, not him! Geesh! How could I be so blind??
    In any case, I am SOOO glad to hear you say that is about right for an average, connected-feeling relationship. I was seriously starting to wonder if my expectations/desires were way out of bounds. I consider myself an alpha female, but I realize that I don’t have a “take it or leave it, buddy” attitude towards him; I want to spoil him, and I want him to spoil me. We’re not married…and now I’m thinking that’s a very good thing!

  11. Oh ok, that actually makes the post make a lot more sence! Where’s your sex rank compared to his?

    Quite honestly some people are more “independant types” and some are more “dependant types” and it really only maters that you match up relatively reasonably…

    I myself have been in both types of relationships.

    One where we were very independant and just kinda got in bed together at night. Incidentally, I was HAPPY in that relationship for 11 years or so before it eventually fell apart and it fell apart because I found someone who I really WANTED to be with all the time and there was really no emotional bond holding me to my husband…Had my husband and I not started swinging, I’m quite positive that we would still be married and happy (a little different than happily married). But even in that marrige where we had VERY separate lives – we still ate together most nights of the week, or talked in bed when got home if it was late and we ussually did SOMETHING together on the weekend, even if it was just chores.

    In my second marriage – we both WANT to spend time together and I think that’s the main difference. and we spend a lot MORE time than that together. If we were to drop down to an hour a day, that would be alarming to me and I would definately not be happy. We also spend the majority of our weekend together. That being said, if it’s football season, he doesn’t demand that I sit there with him and I don’t make other plans for him on sunday. But I am in and out of the house all day and we’re interacting whenver i’m in the room. And I’ll often sit in the room with him and work on other things when he’s watching etc, just as if I’m lifting weights in the gym room, he’ll often come and just sit on the floor and talk to me while I work out. So we’re both getting what we need accomplished while still interacting. If you’re demanding that he lay in bed and talk about his dreams all night (now we DID do that in the early stages) for 5 or 6 hours while the rest of life falls apart, that’s probably unreasonable….

  12. @ferafelis: Nah, that’s not bad at all. Hardly “needy”, but I would maintain that the “keep her guessing” works for you, too. That is, laying out such a schedule of expectations may be too much for him to keep up with, at first. But encouraging him to vary it up some (strip Scrabble, anyone?) might keep him intrigued.

  13. Ditto Jane, definitely! I *want* to be around my husband, and he wants to be around me. Big differenve having us both want the same thing. Seems like the original commenter has hit on a serious incompatibility that needs to be discussed. For me, if I didn’t feel like I wanted to be with him more than you outlined, it’s not worth the marriage commitment.

  14. Highlander says:

    I don’t know, it always seems to be s subconscious case of GIGS/ communication. If more women could tell us in a manner we can understand, we’d take that list of wants and put it on the calendar. Sad thing is though, what women say they want and what they actually want shifts all the time and is often contradictory. It just seems that the reward you get for giving up being the attractive guy you used to be to becoming a draft animal you have to be to balance married life for 20 odd years, is to get your butt tossed to the glue factory. I think Chris Rock says it right.. ” you know the biggest reason your woman is mad at you? you weren’t her first choice” I don’t know if links are allowed here, but watch this and LYAO

  15. @Ian, Couldn’t agree more. The split second I try to put my relationship on cruise control is when the sh*t tests come. Fostering attraction was a whole lot easier when I was single and could play the field. But to keep one woman’s interest when she knows all your tricks? THAT is a challenge.

    It makes me have to go into my war room and re-invent myself at times, while still staying true to who I am. Not so much learning “tricks,” but keeping it fresh. And regarding the whole being nice to get your way thing, that definitely doesn’t work and is in itself a manipulation that breeds silent frustration. A quote I heard a while ago sums it up best. Pussies don’t get pussy.


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