I had mentioned in an earlier post that the MAP had worked for me on my current employer. The basic principles work on plenty of other problem situations as well.
Essentially you start in a dependent situation, whether that’s a sexless marriage, or a job you don’t want, or whatever else it is doesn’t matter. You’re stuck with the situation because you’re dependent on whatever you get from the other party. In my case, I was good at my job but bored to tears by it. But I absolutely needed the money from it, so I couldn’t just leave on a whim. If there was something I didn’t like at my job, I essentially had to suck it up and smile about it.
The next step is to make whatever you must get from the situation attainable by other means should you wish it. So in the case of a sexless marriage, unless you could reasonably attain sex elsewhere if you wanted to, you’re always going to be held hostage to whatever your sex denying spouse wants. In the case of an employer, you’re always going to be held hostage until you can have a different job offer or another form of income replacing your paycheck. You need to become independent of the situation.
In the case of a sexless marriage, it may well take 1-2 years to get yourself into maximum attractiveness and start really pulling female attention. In the case of my job, MMSL took two-and-a-half years to turn into replacement income. There’s not always a quick fix, sometimes you just have to grind it out.
Once you are independent of the critical need from your arrangement, you have a great deal of leverage that you didn’t have before. The tables are now turned if you have something critical that they want from you, and they have not much that you want from them. You can either get what you want from them, or failing that, simply walk. You have taken control of the relationship.
I could have stayed and asked for more money and gotten it, but there’s nothing my job can offer me that trumps what I want to do for MMSL, so I’m waving goodbye. I fired the first warning shots of that happening earlier this year and I’ve got to say it’s been quite amusing to see how much nicer I’ve been treated since then. Gave them a lot of notice to give time to replace me and train the new guy as well, so I’m leaving with the moral high ground intact. Last day is the end of May.
All this can sound harsh and/or clinical, but it’s exactly the same principle as getting crappy service and the wrong food in a restaurant. They can either replace your meal and give you what you want, or there’s plenty of other restaurants out there that can replace the current one. You don’t need this restaurant in particular. Which is of course why most restaurants try quite hard to provide good service and the correct food. The possibility of moving on and never coming back is always something they’d rather avoid, so they work hard to please you.
Jennifer and I go out to breakfast a fair bit together because it’s cheaper than a dinner and fits in our day well. We have a favorite restaurant and at that restaurant we have a favorite waitress and we always try and sit in her section to be waited on. She does a great job, is always pleased to see us and never disappointed. So we tip well. We’re loyal to her.