Jennifer is The Banhammer

Receive rabid email telling me I’m Jennifer’s oppressor.

Give patient reply explaining we are a team.

Receive follow up email saying I wasn’t listening. I am crushing Jennifer’s dreams and treating her like she’s an idiot.

Reply that Jennifer and I talked a great deal about all this before we started MMSL, and how it was going to be a major effort for us and something only possible to do as a couple.

Receive a third angry email that I am intimidating Jennifer and all but Force Choking her into submission. I am insulting and cruel.

Jennifer replies, “Don’t inflict your unhappiness on me.”

No further emails…

I post a “Yay we did it / last day as a nurse / can’t wait to spend more time together and be happy / our dream is happening!”

Jennifer adds her “Woo-hoo!”

Emailer leaves two angry jaded comments explaining how MMSL is about grinding wives into hapless submission.

Jennifer rolls eyes and groans.

*click* *click* *enters name* *click*

Then we ate grinders.

Jennifer: I haz the POWAH!

Faith of the Heart

Tomorrow is my last day of work in my day job. For those that have been following the story much of my own personal application of the MAP has been turning MMSL into a viable income and leveraging that to leave my day job. It’s taken two and a half years to get to this point. I’m leaving on my own terms and having given plenty of notice and trained a replacement. I could have just left two months ago and watched it all pancake down behind me, but I have a few dozen staff people that I felt responsible for and wanted to ensure they were okay. I feel like I took the high road and there has been a lot of cheering me on as I prepare to leave.

Running the MAP is not easy, is not always quick and is not always a direct line of being better every day. It’s about what you can achieve as an end point. There have been several days when I have just wanted pack it all in and not write MMSL ever again. There have even been a tiny number of days where Jennifer and I have not done very well with each other as well. I’ve also had a handful of haters as well.

So if you’re struggling to run the MAP for whatever your goals are, and you feel like you want to throw in the towel… don’t. That’s very likely the sign that you are making actual progress toward your goal. Hearing a mixture of cheers and boos is also a pretty good sign you are making progress as well. Don’t fall back to where you were unless you can’t do anything about it.

***

Reader:  How do you feel?

Athol: I’m feeling very strange right now. I’m tired from 2.5 years of pushing, but also suddenly the book is selling better and better and I need to do very little to manage that.  All along I had been thinking “full time MMSL”, but it actually feels emotionally like I’m retiring. If I sleep until noon for example the books still sell. It’s totally bizarre. Like I fell of a cliff and discovered I can fly.

Many projects to do though, so I won’t be bored!

Reader: Awesome. Any idea what your typical work day is going to look like since the book is basically selling itself?

Athol:  Well most of my work day is going to look like a dude sitting at the computer… which makes for a dull blog post. More writing the blog, more writing books, prepping speaking engagement material, forming a business and yada yada yada.

Let’s talk about my personal life instead…

In many ways I’ve been living a life totally out of balance. I haven’t exercised very much at all for months on end. Been eating like crap as well, so all that needs to be focused on more. Probably working toward 1.5-2 hours of exercise of some description a day to recover things.

Jennifer has done a lot more of the housework stuff than I have the last few years. I kinda miss it a little. I really don’t mind cleaning and cooking. So I get to take some of that back from her. I’m planning one of the bigger housework chores a day as a writing break just cycling through the whole house.

Reading. I’ve barely read anything new for the last two years. I’ve got around 30-40 books piled on my dresser to get through as a starting point. I’ve been meaning to get around to the Paleo reading for over a year for example. I typically read 60-70 books a year and don’t know if I’ve read more than 20 since starting MMSL.

I’ve also to a fair extent dropped out of keeping up with the other blogs. There’s just been no time to keep up and comment. Much of the early marketing and presence building I did with MMSL was reading and commenting everywhere. It’s something I’ve always planned on returning to once done with nursing.

Daddy duty. The girls will be 15 and 13 for summer, and largely run themselves, but it’s going to be fun to be back home with them during the summer. The last two summers Jennifer has had to run ragged back and forth from work to home and eat through her time off and play taxi driver. She’s very very relieved this year she doesn’t have to.

There’s some broken items around the house as well. I’m going to give serious thought about fixing them, and then probably play Star Trek Online instead.

Walkies and talkies with Jennifer. We finally have more time to just hang out together. We like walking together and now we’ll have lots more time for breakfasts or lunches together.

There’s a vacation happening in there somewhere as well. We still have to count the beans and see how far we can go. Usually once we find a place to go Jennifer takes over as her OTPD makes everything go smooth. (Obsessive Trip Planning Disorder)    We want to go to Dallas to have a look around and see if we like it there as a possible relocation in summer 2017 after youngest is done with high school.

All in all, I’ve been a low Alpha high Beta husband for most of our marriage. The last few years I’ve been a very high Alpha and life support only Beta husband (while Jennifer has to carry the load of what I’m not doing).  Now I’m going to try and find a more relaxed balance of Alpha and Beta. So as I pick up some of the Beta slack, Jennifer gets to give some of it up… which frees her up to have more time doing her Alpha thing and have more fun too.

I’m very grateful for Jennifer’s support and none of this would have been possible without her. I’m also very grateful for the support of all my readers who have bought the books and sold more of them through word-of-mouth. I realize some of this comes off as “look at me I’m freaking awesome!”… and… well I did work really hard… but also it’s improbable that I am experiencing such success so soon. I know I’ve had a lot of help and it’s greatly appreciated.

Tell mother I feel fine.

 

 Jennifer: I’m really enjoying 2012 as our year of transition.  I’m very proud of Athol and MMSL…it’s his full time job now which is still somewhat surreal.  It’s a dream for both of us to be able to work together and spend more time together (we like each other….funny how that works out!) so I’m looking forward to what is coming!

Game For Christians

Athol:  Via email I’ve somewhat frequently been asked to write “MMSL for Christians.”  On one hand I dread the backlash for simply daring to write for Christians while wearing my Team Atheist attire (it’s suspicously like a Next Generation Star Trek Science Officer uniform).  On the other hand I also know that a good percentage of my readership are Christian and experience the awkward tension of finding that MMSL “works”, but finding it morally diffcult at times as well.

My primary goal is to help everyone have a better sex life and happier marriages. If via MMSL people happen to get over the image of Atheists as enraged souless baby eaters that’s great. I’ve yet to receieve a single email saying someone deconverted because of my writings. No biggie. It’s not the goal.

Below is an email part of a back and forth with a Christian reader. He asks a lot of good questions. I have some answers to all this myself, but it’s a lot of work to frame them correctly without accidently saying something that triggers violence in the comments. Just please accept that I am taking this seriously. My own answers may not be immediate.

Anyway…. have a crack at some answers in the comments.

 

Reader:  I am mainly concerned about how core Christian values and beliefs match up with married game and where they don’t.  My real question is “What are the mismatches?” and “What do your Christian readers that are taking the red pill think about the mismatches?”

For you, the mismatches are probably not a problem, of course, because you don’t subscribe to Christian beliefs (I respect that).  But I think some of your reader’s might have some problems with some things.  I do.  And it bothers me. I don’t want to go against my faith, but I do want a emotionally and sexually fulfilling marriage (and I wasn’t able to do it without game).  So there I am.  I have no choice but to ask these tough questions for myself.

Like we both have said, there is much that matches up, but here I want to list some of  the mismatches that I would like to get input on.

(1) Attracting other Women 

I can’t deny that it works to attract my wife, but the concept seems to go against the grain.  I think most any Christian has certainly been taught against this.  And even Jesus said “any man who looks at another women… is toast” paraphrased of course.

For me, I have to tone this down.  I just talk friendly with other women whether they are old ladies, homely women, or hotties.  If they show interest in me then they do, its not that I’m really after anything (or am I?  I am doing it to attract my wife, so I have a motive)  But the pre-selection really only happens when your wife sees somebody who is a potential threat to her show clear interest that is not just friendly.  And this, by Christian standards would be inappropriate, since I am essentially soliciting the attention, even though I have no plans to act on anything.  It would basically be characterized as flirting with temptation rather than just avoiding the temptation.

(2) Alpha attitude (at least parts of it)

Cocky, willingness to break the rules, being overtly sexual, indifference to female emotion.  Or how about a personal favorite that my wife and I like to laugh about and you have blogged about “women love assholes”.

I think these pretty much speak for themselves as to why they go against Christian beliefs.  Of course a lot of Alpha traits match up well, confidence, leadership, not being swayed easily off course match up great.

The persona of Alpha is basically bad boy on the outside, but deep down probably a good guy or at least the potential to be a good guy.  The female sex drive wants to have an alpha to try and tame, but if she does tame him (hello Christian marriage in many respects), then the attractions takes a nose dive.

(3) Indifference to emotion

This is one I’d like to hit on specifically.  I don’t know that you have specifically discussed “indifference” in one of your posts, but it has come up in many reader comments to your posts.  This one is important to me, because this is one of the biggest things that improved my marriage.  But at the same time, like some of your readers, this is frustrating too.  I don’t really want to be indifferent to my wife, but she finds it very attractive.  The more indifferent I am to her, the more she is all over me the way I want her to be.  Women are attracted to indifference from men and I understand why, its part of the mystery, its the wondering whether or not he’s into me that gets them going.  This creates the chase.  Indifference also appears as confidence, because when you really don’t care what somebody else thinks, well that is pretty much confidence (or at least the appearance of it).  Indifference to her emotions also sets her free to experience all her emotions without worrying about yours (this is a good thing).

The problem is indifference can’t really be “gamed” in or faked.  It has to be real or she’ll she right through it.  But as I begin to feel indifferent to my wife’s emotions and I see her attraction go up, its kind of worrisome that I actually feel indifferent where as I didn’t before.  To quote one of your reader posts “I can’t love her as much as I want to because she will only take it from me if I won’t give it to her”.  So, even with the Christian matchup question aside, this topic would make a great post.

But, the Christian matchup issue here is that indifference is pretty much the opposite of love.  Hard to match that up.  Isn’t it?

(4) Willingness to walk away

This is at the heart of the red pill.  There really is no such thing as unconditional love in a marriage.  This goes right against Christian wedding vows, for better or worse, til death do us part, yada yada.

This is a tough nut for most people in a long term Marriage.  You can’t be willing to walk away??  But, we all know, if we’ve experienced the red pill that you won’t get what you want out of the marriage unless your willing to walk if you don’t get it.

“Nice Guy” put your needs first.  Insist that your needs be met. Christianity would say always to put the other’s needs above your own.  Yet, we all know how attracted women are to nice guys who do this religiously to their wife, “hopelessly devoted” is major turn off.  But this so hard for a “nice guy” with Christian values to accept.  Personally, I am way past this, but I still wish for the blue pill here “why can’t my wife be insanely attracted to me because I am “hopelessly devoted” to her?  Based on the Christian values I learned growing up it should be this way.

 

(5) Hot Kinky Sex

This one I don’t really have a problem with but thought I would throw it in.  It does present some Christian match up questions and we all know that many Christian women have hang ups about sex based on Christian teachings while growing up (my wife did for years).

The question here is what is acceptable and what isn’t.  Christianity doesn’t seem to allow for anything goes in the bedroom.  Lots of religions have made statements against anal, oral, etc etc.  We all know that both parties in the marriage need to be comfortable with whatever is going on, but is there any basis in Christian teaching for limiting sexual behaviors in a marriage to rule out certain things?  (I’m not talking about hardcore porn stuff here either, just the stuff it actually takes to get your wife sexually satisfied. If this could be done with just the missionary position and only p & v, well then that would be fine I suppose and we wouldn’t have this question).

 

Ok, that just a shotgun of items and I’m just throwing these things out from the hip, but these are all things I have given serious thought to as I have taken the red pill.  I know that you are trying to help people have better marriages and you have helped mine.  So, even though you are not a Christian, I think it would be worth hitting some of these issues for those that are.  I’m assuming that you have other Christian readers taking the red pill with similar questions on their mind.  Of course, maybe I’m your only Christian reader :).  In that case, well too bad for me. But I think you probably have a lot?

Let me know what you think.

Money Casual

Reader:  Hey Athol, I’m a reader of your blog and I just received the book: love it!

I have an idea for a blog post: male baldness. How does it affect our sex rank  and how to best handle it.

Another similar idea: fashion/clothing. Expensive brands (display of wealth) and tight fits one a strapping body are the ideal it seems.

Athol:  Okay the easy one. Yes indeed expensive/tailored items properly fitting on a great body are ideal. Not so much tight fitting as properly fitting. For a woman tightly fitting gets a more of a boost.

Slightly less easy is baldness. It’s a mild negative in that it displays increased age as opposed to being a early twenties stud muffin. However you can do far more damage to yourself trying to cover it all up rather than just accepting it and facing it head on. The comb-over isn’t a hairstyle, it’s a extreme display of weakness and low value. It shouts out that you have no woman in your life that gives a crap about your appearance.

I have no clue whether or not any of the magical hair products and treatments work or provide value for money, so I can’t offer you any advice about them. My solution was just to buzz it all short one a week and be done with it. Jennifer cut it for me at home and it was kinda fun.

My new thing has just been to shave my head. After a few days of adjustment both Jennifer and I like it. It seems to be a slightly better look for me and I present cleaner and more put together. Also she rubs my head and giggles.

Whether it’s your hair or your clothes, the trick it is to look intentional. Doesn’t really matter too much what you are dressing as in terms of style, but that you are appearing exactly as you intend to appear and it’s not an accident you look as you do. Stuff matching helps a great deal for this. Clean clothes. New clothes. Planned and intentional. A shirt can be just fine to wear when you go out, but if you haven’t ironed properly then it’s not going to be a positive.

Something like the iconic Steve Jobs black shirt and jeans is a great example of being intentional. It’s not a high class look, but it’s well fitting, clean, new looking and well made. He’s purposely not wearing a suit. He’s obviously intending to wear exactly what he’s wearing and everyone knows it. Thus it works.

The trap to avoid is having one or two really good outfits you wear for special occassions and a bunch of dross. You’ll end up only underlining how bad you look on a daily basis the few times you play dress up. You need to set out to create a wardrobe that is consistently a little better than your social circle. Once you can do that, you get all the ladies attention as the best dressed man in the room. Just being the best dressed man in the room is like creating an instigation field around you like… okay crap… it’s like Paladin aura gravity well for pussy.

As I’ve mentioned before, this is still an area I’m working on myself – part of the issue with nursing is my day job is a little rough and tumble so fancy clothes quickly become unfancy on the job and we’ve been catching up on the money front as well. I’m not really a big suit guy either. Personally I like casual and comfortable clothes, though that easily turns into the “early K-Mart” look that repels women. And I like light colors as well. I intellectually get the black shirt and jeans look, but everytime I’m in a black shirt I don’t really like it.

Anyway a couple months back I got the brainwave about how I need to look. It’s two words. “Money Casual.” I find once you view clothes through the lens of “Does this say Money Casual.” everything becomes a lot clearer as to whether or not you should buy it.

The old rules still apply though. Get in shape first, then add the clothes.

Jennifer:  …and truly, if you can’t afford to buy high priced labels, just buy what you can afford and what fits.  It’s less important to flaunt a super expensive label than it is to be neat and clean.  If I can tell what you had for lunch the last time you wore that shirt because it is a permanent stain…points off.  If the cuffs are frayed and the knees are worn because they’re your favorite jeans…wear them when you’re sitting home alone or doing yard work, not out to our date.  If you are ironed, not stained and faded, and coordinating…I’ll take it!  (well not really, I’ve got my well dressed man…you know what I mean) 

Why Does Struggling To Make A Baby Sex Suck So Much?

Reader:  Just a thought for a potential blog post topic.

Making a baby the old fashioned way, by that I mean getting smashed and going at it like savages, is fun.

Making a baby because your wife is ovulating and the fertility clinic has pumped her full of hormones, not fun.

Been there, done that.  I’m assuming a variety of your readers have been in this situation.  Across the board, all of my male friends refer to “Pro-creation sex” as the most un-stimulating experience out there.  The intimacy and man/woman roles are somehow missing along with the satisfaction.

Maybe you could help explain why and how to attempt to make it hot?

Just throwin’ it out there.

Athol:  The issue is that it isn’t hot because it’s basically shouting that the person you’re having sex with is a poor choice of baby making due to the low fertility. Resulting babies are also more likely to be poorly fertile as well. Thus the entire display is extremely unsexy. Just having the thought in your head going around and around that “it’s hard to get her pregnant” is a mood killer in the extreme. If she was a one night stand you were never going to see again, your Body Agenda doesn’t worry about it. But if she’s your bonded partner and you’re going to spend time, effort and resources on the kid, you start getting as picky as a woman does about the genetic material being supplied from your sex partner.

When you’re doing it the old fashioned way and she’s highly fertile, it’s amazing because she’s such a great vagina to pour your semen into. Her babies are more likely to be good baby makers too. Very sexy indeed. Oh wow making babies sex with Jennifer was amazingly amazing.

Anyway, there’s no easy way to reverse it and make it hot when your Body Agenda hates the idea of it. Though if you ask around there are many stories of “We gave up trying to make it happen and just went on vacation and it happened!”

My suggestion would be plan ahead to plot when her ovulation should be, and plan for a night of sex then in a novel environment. Like a hotel room. Then separate for a few days beforehand. Someone go live somewhere else. Meet in the hotel room. Hopefully the damming up the seed turns into need and it all happens with more excitement. The separation creates a little added sperm competition boosting to the male as well. Also you can get away on a vacation and change the scenery a little.

Mostly though, don’t let her get away with being horribly unsexy as an approach. Her coming to you with a thermometer in hand, wearing sweatpants and demanding to be impregnated now, isn’t a sexual come on. Her bullying you into sex isn’t a turn on either. Tell her to go make herself look nice, wear something sexy, make it appear like she is trying to attract you. Otherwise you may as well be jerking off into a specimen cup and handing it to her.

And not for nothing, when women ovulate they tend to like a far more Alpha approach in the bedroom. Giving  her entire control of the sex that night isn’t going to make for good sex and likely decreases her chances of actually getting pregnant. Pull her hair a little and tap that ass well enough to make her not care if she actually got pregnant or not. Leave her stumbling incoherently out of bed for one ice pack, two Aleve and three pages in her diary.