Reader: Okay, two more quick questions and then I promise I’ll ease off. (-:
1.) Duty sex. Those times when she’s just not that into it but you wind up doing it anyway, and she doesn’t wind up getting that into it during. Maybe it’s just leftover Nice Guy “she comes first” programming, but I’ve always found it vaguely depressing. It satisfies me in only the most literal, biological sense. It doesn’t make me feel attractive or Alpha or whatever, it just makes me feel… empty.
Because of that, I used to avoid it like the plague, and I know the down sides of that (lots of mutual submission deadlock “do you want to have sex?” “I don’t know, do you?” crap mostly, and, paradoxically, less good satisfying sex in general). So I’m resigned to the fact that, yes, sometimes I’m going to be into it and she’s not and that’s okay.
I guess what I’m asking is, how do you deal with it? How do you frame it in your mind as something that’s okay? Or am I just neurotic for even asking? (-:
And on a related note,
2.) There’s this whole chapter in the Primer about rewarding good behavior and punishing (through lack of attention) bad behavior. Should this sort of duty sex be rewarded (because she did, after all, lay you, if perhaps not as enthusiastically as you might have wished) or punished (because, sure, you got sex, but it was half-hearted, unenthusiastic, resigned sex instead of the hot “do me you Alpha stud” fuckfest you wanted)?
Athol: There’s a scale between “no sex at all” and “crazy hot sex”. “Duty sex” is somewhere just below the middle of that scale. There’s also a sexual fitness where you need to get into more practice to get to the good stuff. You just can’t go from bad sex to crazy hot sex overnight. The more you have sex the better at it you get together. After the duty sex comes okay sex. After okay sex comes better sex. After better sex comes good sex. After good sex comes great sex.
The trouble is you are wanting to experience the feelings associated with great sex… with duty sex. You can’t. If you were having those feelings associated with great sex with duty sex, you’d actually be experiencing great sex. Great sex being defined as feeling great.
And now the cold clinical behavior modification section of the post where I treat women like lab rats….
If duty sex is the sexual behavior baseline, any time she does something better than duty sex, you should positively respond to it. Any time she does something worse than duty sex, you should reduce attention to her. Not actively punish her, simply reduce attention.
In time as her pattern of behavior improves to where you guys are having okay sex, then that becomes the new baseline. Once you’re up in the consistently good to great sex realm, the sex itself is a major reward so it’s very reinforcing of keeping that level of sexuality going. There’s not all that often that I specficially reward Jennifer for being good in bed, watching her arching her back and trying to tear the corner off her pillow as she orgasms being indication she’s getting a prefered reward anyway. It’s like a mouse that runs a maze to get to the cheese. When it gets there, you don’t pet it and tell it that it’s a pretty mouse, you just let it eat the cheese. Otherwise you can accidently end up with a mouse that doesn’t have interest in running mazes to find cheese, but a lot of interest in being petted and told it’s a pretty mouse.
Okay I think I abused that metaphor enough… moving on.
If you turn down the duty sex, she will interpret that as a display of weakness and become less interested in you. Men turning down sex are generally viewed being the complete opposite of Alpha by women. Guys are meant to be able to have sex with any opportunity available. Your wife. The co-worker. The drunk friend. The passed out woman behind the dumpster. Men are meant to be able to opportunistically whip their dicks out and stuff them into available vagina. That’s why “available” is the sexyest thing a woman can be to a man. Every time a married guy cheats on his wife, it’s because amongst other things, the other woman was available.
So when your wife makes herself available to you, and you don’t avail yourself of her, that’s sending her a highly negative response. Most wives have near zero ability to emotionally handle their husbands declining sex to them. If you do turn your wife down for sex, you should have a really good excuse like, “I have a gunshot wound and want to go to the ER.” Though obviously don’t use that if she has just shot you, because she’ll just think you’re blaming her for everything. Plus she has a gun. So comply.
Reduced sexual frequency also further establishes a pattern of lower sexual interaction. You want more sex, not less. So have more sex. So I would keep having the duty sex and view it as a stepping stone to better sex. Sometimes you have to learn to walk before you run.
Also I get the vague sense that you’re trying to get the warm-fuzzies from having sex that you’re missing elsewhere in the relationship. Experiment with just fucking her. What you want is for her to act like she’s really into it… like she’s being fucked. So that won’t happen until you actually act a little harder edged and just fuck her. You’d be surprised how how cuddly women get after getting well and truly fucked.
I know this is a terrible paradox to come to grips with if you are a Nice Guy, but the greater the need of emotional connection you bring into bed with you, the less likely it is she connects to you emotionally. I really like Jennifer. We get on great and not only is she my best friend currently, she’s the best friend I’ve ever had. We kiss and cuddle and are warm and fuzzy with each other during the day and in bed. But there are also times when I don’t care about any of that. She’s just a woman in my bed and I’ll get what I want from her. I pump… but don’t dump.
The frame I tend to run with is that I’m like Dr Bruce Banner, walking around holding myself under control to avoid turning into a giant green rage monster called The Hulk that I can’t control. Except instead of rage, it’s horny. And to be quite honest… it’s not much of a frame, because this is pretty much the reality of the situation. So… available-pussy-I-can-unleash-on… fuck yeah!
Jennifer: Every night isn’t crazy hot sex, but ever day is something sexual together so we never lose the connection. The more Athol is into it, the more I’m into it. And if I’m tired or cranky or whatever, I’ll say so and offer him what I’m in the mood for. This makes me more likely to be into it because I’m giving him a heads up as to what I’m going to be receptive to that night. (he he…heads up…he he)