Reader: In “Women’s Infidelity I” by Michelle Langley, she uses the analogy of receiving a proctologic exam for how a woman feels being entered when she’s not aroused. It’s a necessary evil and you want it to be over. If you were forced to undergo it frequently purely because the doctor enjoyed doing it to you, that wouldn’t increase your comfort with the experience; it’d feel like a violation, with the discomfort escalating into full-blown dread and revulsion. On top of that, repeated encounters that result in an orgasm (dopamine/oxytocin release) for the man but not for the woman lead to a one-way emotional bond. The husband becomes progressively more bonded while the wife becomes more indifferent/repulsed. This seems to speak directly against the “fitness/practice” idea. What do you think?
Athol: Maybe I’m just getting older and more comfortable with my body, but I’ve had one ass doctor appointment and I think for about three seconds during the visit I turned gay. Maybe it was just a good doctor, I dunno. I’m not drawing doodles around any future appointment dates in my calendar or anything. I’m just saying it wasn’t traumatic.
Anyway… I’m not implying one should leap at the chance for forcing you way into a dry vagina that would rather take a nap. If your wife is offering duty sex, it’s something she’s offering. If she doesn’t want sex she shouldn’t have it. I’m not about forcing women to do anything in bed they don’t want to do. Don’t confuse being dominant, rough, wild or kinky with being forced/non-consensual. I outweigh Jennifer by about seventy pounds and have about three times her strength. If I used my clear physical advantage to gain sex without her consent, she would have left me long ago and I’d be behind bars.
You’re just not going to go from a sexless marriage to a thundering hot sex life without a progression involved. Not every night is going to make the Hightlight Reel. By definition, half of the sex you’ll have in your marriage is going to be below average. The nights of duty sex are obviously going to be below average nights. I’m just saying you should accept them and make the best of it. Don’t throw a hissy fit because she offered you half a loaf of bread because it’s not a whole loaf of bread. You’re trying to create a positive pattern of interaction together. Turning her down when she’s trying to meet you halfway isn’t going to get you what you want over the long term.
Seriously, what’s the difference between a handjob, blowjob or vaginal sex where the wife is doing it for the purpose of pleasing her husband, while not seeking copious pleasure for herself? If she wants to get you off and doesn’t want a penis in her vagina, there are multiple other ways to make that happen. If she’s consensually letting a penis in her vagina, she shouldn’t bitch about being violated or it being a necessary evil.
There’s a difference between her offering sex where she’s not that turned on in the moment, and her hating you with her vagina. Which I’ll get to in tomorrows post.
Jennifer: Yeah, that was TOTALLY not what I meant by “duty sex”. (okay, so “duty” does sound negative. Don’t know what else to call it though) For me “duty sex” is not “geez would you get off me already, I just want this to be over” sex. If that was how I felt, I would not be having sex that night at all…that’s just not fair to either of you. Just say no and all that. If you are truly not in the mood then you are truly not in the mood, but if you’re just not touchy feely that night, or are tired and not up for a “we have a winner!” night, then how about a hand job, or lube up and a quickie. Don’t do it if you are going to be viewing it as “a necessary evil”. Do it if you are bonded to your husband, enjoy making him happy, and enjoy touching him even if you are not in the mood to be touched that night.