Girl Game For The Shy Wife

Reader:  My husband has had the MMSL book for a while now, and has put quite a bit into action.  Totally awesome ;)

But he sexts me every now and then, and I am utterly useless at replying to him, or making up my own.  My best idea I can come up with is that I have a spreadsheet open in Excel and I have no panties on.  Seriously, I’m that nerdy.

I need help…. preferably anonymously.  And without the excel text in there, because I was planning on sending that to him tonight :)

Do you have some sort of list of good sext ideas, because I am so totally lost.

Athol:  Imagine what sort of sex you’d like that night and text him about it.

If he says something to you and you don’t know what to say back, try…. “Ohhhh, tell me more!”

It’s always going to get a good  reaction sending him various naked / bra and panties photos. That will always get him going.  You can take those photos ahead of time by the way.

 Reader:  It’s a start :)  I started yesterday with a cleavage shot, timed about 2 minutes before he checked his phone for the last time before arriving at work…. he nearly crashed his car as he put it ;)  I made a few comments throughout the day, and a few more on his way home, and he was a very happy hubby last night.  Quite effective.

I’ve been reading through all the blog posts the last few days, and getting a lot of good ideas.  Hubby started reading the book about a year or so ago, and has been sharing tidbits with me from the book and the blog.  I’m trying to implement a lot more of that, and finally took the time to start poking around on the site more.  I’m hooked now ;)  No one ever told me this stuff growing up, and now I’m wondering how young is too young to start making sure that my boys are well prepared for marriage, instead of having to stumble through the first few years like blind men.

We’re still working towards better communication in the bedroom, mostly because I just get flustered talking about it to him, because I don’t want to use graphic or even natural terms.  Hmmm, I think I need a mind reader….  Anyway, it’s getting there, just trying to get ideas of how to implement it without going overboard or making him consider committing me :)

Athol: It’s okay to be shy :-)

Write out some things you would like to try or do. He can do the same thing. Then switch pieces of paper. If something shows up on both pieces of paper… try that!  If something shows up on just one, and the other person doesn’t go… eeeeewwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!    Try that after the others. Remember that only 30% of what you try works for you. So laugh about the failures and love the ones that work.

There’s a couple things that Jennifer was just “meh” about, or even, “Do what?!” about at first. Now she quite likes them. Not because it turns her on wildly, but because she really enjoys me being turned on wildly.

If he’s been reading MMSL for a year, it’s because he really likes you, loves you and wants you. Consider for a moment that you, might be his “kink.”  If so, there’s nothing much he won’t be excited to try with you.

Keep me posted!  Though if your husband crashes the car because of my advice, I’m not buying you guys a new one. Just sayin’.

Jennifer:  That’s right about getting to like something because Athol likes it. I can haz sexual powah?  Oh and pick a dirty word you don’t mind being called in bed and tell him about it.

Comments

  1. Sexting is something I’ve played with lightly in the past with little luck. I sent a naked ass shot to my wife while she was on a business trip and in her hotel room and her response was “Jesus”. While the response made me laugh, showed me this isn’t something I know how to do. I’m thinking a post on the subject (did a search, some, but not much there) would be helpful. I’d like to get some playful sexual flirting while she’s at work that at least sets the tone for action later after the kids are asleep. Initiating isn’t a problem, it’s getting her mentally in the mood prior to that instead of a cold start.

  2. Hmmm… in broadly sweeping and stereotypical terms, I think men are supposed to be the visually motivated half of the species. My hubby tried something like that once, too, and it didn’t quite have the intended response. Maybe try asking her for one instead? She’d get to know that you think she’s totally hot, and you’d get the visual. Everyone wins.

  3. AMG, that’s hilarious. Maybe she meant “Jesus” in a good way?

    Seriously though, I think guys underestimate the power of the written word to excite their wives. Pics are really more a guy thing, although I’ve been known to request them in the midst of an explicit texting conversation with my partner. I might be alone in this, but I save explicit texts/IMs/emails from my partner for when he’s working late or I have an afternoon alone in the house. It’s like personalized porn!

    My sex life got a lot better when I realized that I could just grab his hands/head/dick/whatever and put it where I want it instead of forcing myself to say “I want you to do X to me.” We’re getting better at communication, but making your body communicate more effectively really helps if the terminology takes you out of the moment.

  4. @Athol — not sure if you’ve seen this… http://mojoupgrade.com/ Saw it in a /r/relationships thread yesterday.

    Basically you separately enter your fantasies.. and the app shares whichever ones you have in common. I thought it was pretty clever.

  5. Stargate Girl says:

    Sometimes just referencing a previous encounter works. “Hey babe, still thinking about last night”, innocuous comments can lead to some racy thoughts. Sexting doesn’t need to be explicit.

  6. Stargate girl: Exactly!

    I text my husband things like…”I just took a shower and was thinking about you during it…wink wink”
    or
    “I was thinking about us trying something tonight…but I might need to get some knee and elbow pads”
    Just try to be mysterious and flirty and build anticipation. You don’t even have to get that specific!
    The point is, say something to let him know you’re thinking of him in a conjugal way and then say something that would get you in trouble with HR if you were co-workers. ha

  7. I think the key here is to figure out what the turn on is for the other person. I like knowing I got him going, so I send texts that will make him think a little more, like “what do you like better: yoga pants or short shorts? Please answer in complete sentences. ;) ” And he shoots back an answer that is a win-win for me, bc I know what to wear that evening and he got some great mental pictures going. :) technology is awesome.

  8. And I started out very shy too, didn’t know any lingo, was nervous about coming off slutty,etc. It really helps for you to read blogs like this and other marriage-centered ones, to desensitize yourself in some ways, and to learn a broader vocabulary and skill set, while not scaring yourself silly with a random weirdo porn site or Cosmo article. (< NOT helpful when you can't even bring yourself to say SEX in a normal voice.) :)))

    Good for you for asking for help and joining your honey in making your marriage a sexy and intimate relationship! A lot of husbands here would give anything to see a note like that from their wives. :) Don't give up, especially when you do something brave and it falls in that 70% of stuff that didn't work. That can be a psychological blow to a shy girl. Been there, done that. Keep trying, and learn to believe your husband when he says he thinks you are beautiful. :)

  9. anonymouse says:

    Kat34, thank you. I do tend to recoil from the 70% fail, which makes me even more shy. And the whole believing he thinks I’m beautiful thing is hard too, especially after 7 kids. Not feeling sexy in anything that’s supposed to look sexy is really hard for me to get around. And yeah, the Cosmo articles are no help, lol ;) I really struggle with not wanting to use the graphic terms, but there are only so many innuendos that work…

  10. My wife and I do a lot of flirty texting and get a bit sexy and graphic on there sometimes, but for some reason I’m just not comfortable with her sending pictures or vice versa. Don’t know why, exactly, but aside from a paranoia about the pictures somehow getting out to the public, I also just find it to be a turn off… something I associate with dirty politicians, porn stars, and teenagers with meth addictions. She could be standing in front of me naked and I’d be hard as a rock, but if she sent a picture of her standing naked to my phone, I’d be a bit repulsed.

    Different strokes and all that…

  11. AMG – your post actually made me LOL! As a general FYI to men…your ass probably isn’t sexy…For a few guys who are in great shape or just lucky in the set up, OK, but for the average guy – it’s flat or flabby and hairy…I’m sorry, but guys asses are not like women’s…Things that generally ARE sexy on a man: shoulders, biceps, back, pecs, obviously face…If you have that “V” at the top of your sagging pants cause you’ve got a nice 6 pack – VERY sexy…I would suggest that if there’s something she touches a lot when you’re HAVING sex, you might text that if you’re going to do pics…also my hubs will send pics of himself when he’s been working in the yard and is covered in sweat, or maybe in the garage and he’s shirtless, sweaty and greasy…, because I happen to get really turned on by that kinda stuff…and cock shorts are funny if they come out of the blue and hot if they come after you’re already turned on.

    And i totally agree with what the other girls suggested – asking her for pics and referencing previous encounters generally goes over very well…

    Anonymouse – Do you work out? Just the PROCESS of exercising and improving honestly makes you FEEL sexier, even before the results show up in the miror. Focus on the things you do that you know make you feel great. Go out and get some new clothes (I know most guys don’t like shopping, but I enjoy taking my hubby and letting him pick out the things he likes…sometimes they’re only getting warn around the house, but it really does help to know his specific tastes – does he like your clevage just peaking out or full blown in your face, does he like short tight mini skirts or flowy long? If he’s got the MILF/teacher-student fantisy thing going – you’ll be getting button up shirts and pensil skirs…if he’s a country boy, you might be getting ass tight jeans and white t-shirts…); If you haven’t had your makeup done in a while, go get it updated….get a new hair style – maybe a new color or cut? and a deep conditioning so your hair is silky soft. If he like’s high heals, buy a new pair of sandles and have your toe nails painted etc…It’s not neccessarily the explicit stuff that gets you ogoing down the path. It’s when you start strutting your stuff and guys start staring, that you really begin to remmeber what it’s like to be a WOMAN instead of a MOM…

  12. anonymouse says:

    Lol, if I dyed my hair a different color, he’d probably run away screaming. I’m a bona fide red head, with the good color red, not the orange ;) And heels? Yeah…. you need balance for heels. Anything over an inch and I’m down for the count, lol :)

    As far as exercising goes, that gets tricky. Time is a huge factor, and there never seems to be enough of it. And with homeschooling all the kids… there’s always an audience. And hurdles, lol. But I’m working on it as best I can when time allows.

  13. Anonymouse, exercise in front of your children! It’s good for them to see their mom engaging in a healthy habit. I homeschool mine, too, and more often than not, they all try to exercise along with me. It’s kind of a struggle to find enough room, but we make it work!

  14. Someone who will text that they are wearing no panties isnt shy. Someone who comes here and asks for tips isnt shy.

    Shy is someone who wouldnt even read the MMSL book, or come here. Who would be horrified if she got a sext.

  15. Thanks Doe and Jane. BTW, my bulbous bare bubble butt is one of my best ass-ets (for real), just came out of the blue to the mrs. I guess. We’ve got a good sex life, it’s just I have a hard time being silly or witty or erotic and don’t do facebook or the like. Mrs. AMG has laser treatments that removes her pubic hair (nearly done after 6 or 7 appoinments so far), and had one yesterday. We didn’t see each other last night because I had a late work meeting and she was sleeping by the time I got home. Texting something like “I’m going to have to inspect [Laser Center’s] work tonight :) ” is good right? Jeez, I’m bad at this :)

  16. anonymouse says:

    I’m a lot more shy when hubby is involved… 0.o Go figure.

  17. anonymouse says:

    Of course, now he *is* involved, which is sooooo not the way I was expecting this one to go *I’m looking at you Athol*
    :P

  18. I really appreciate this topic and discussion. My husband and I are trying to sext more and say more sexual things, based almost entirely on encouragement from this blog and Athol’s book. It does not come naturally to either one of us. One thing that works for me is texts based on the theme of him being a “very bad man” (VBM for short). This is entirely stolen from Athol, and it works for me. So if hubby sends me a sexy little message I will respond positively, but also note that I think he is a “very bad man” (or some variation of that theme). You can play that back and forth and have some fun with it, and you don’t have to use explicit language. It achieves the purpose of getting both of you thinking about sex during the day.

    I agree with Jane that regular exercise is probably the very best thing a woman can do to help herself feel more sexy. Anonymouse, I can scarcely imagine the amount of time it takes to care for and homeschool 7 children. Nevertheless, setting aside 30 minutes a day (even 20) so that you can exercise can pay you back in a huge way in terms of energy, positive outlook, weight control, toning, etc. One of the best investments we ever made was buying a treadmill – both of us use it almost every day. It’s much more time efficient than going to a gym or class.

  19. AMG – the inspection comment is good, but it’s in the silly fun good kinda way. It sort of depends what you’re going for? If you’re looking to just put the idea in her head, leave it that way, but if you’re looking to ramp up the sexting you can follow that with something like “I fucking LOVE the way you feel bare; just running my fingers along every soft inch. The way it feels on my lips when I kiss you and that soft slippery feeling as I run my tongue slowely down toward your clit..etc etc…” When you follow up with the specific things you like about it, you’re priming her to WANT those specific things. Also, YOUR excitement about it will make her think sexually about it. If you’re really into the bare thing, than just BEING bare is gonna make her feel more sexual. If you were really excited by high heals, every time she put them on, she’d start to feel sexier etc…

    Anonomouse – what do you wear when you’re going out? If you have an occassion to dress up for, the theater or something? You must occasionally wear heals right? PRACTICE MORE!! If you’re a SAHM, I don’t mean wear them all day while you clean up and try and teach your kids, but can you step it up a notch from where you are? Maybe right now you wear sweat pants, could you move to jeans? If you’re wearing jeans daily, what about a cotton jersey dress with flipflops? Maybe just putting on an anklet and a pair of pearl earings would dress you up a bit and make you feel good. I’d think about what you do when you’re going OUT and then start doing a LITTLE of that on a daily basis. I would suggest maybe OCCASSIONALLY sending the kids to a friend’s to play and and do your dusting in nothing but an apron and heals when he walks in the door. And if you’re having trouble fiting your workouts in, could you take the kids to the park for recess an hour a day and walk laps around it? Do they still nap? Maybe invest in a little home equiptment so you can do it while they nap? Maybe you could hire some help for just an hour or 2 a day? When I was in college, I had a job as a “morning assistant” where I came every morning at 6am for only 2 hours. The mom worked out and got dressed for her day while I got the kids woken up, dress, cooked breakfast (and cooked hers up too), packed lunches for school then did some light cleaning (1 load of laundry daily – started when i got there, put away before I left, put away dishes from the dishwasher from their dinner before and load up the breakfast stuff; then just picking up toys and the like), and then mom came down when she was dressed and exercised to eat breakfast with the kids at the table, check homework and she dropped them off at school on the way to work. Maybe you could benifit from something like that? She paid me $15 each morning and it was a great gig, cause I got to eat breakfast there too and no taxes (shhhhh!) and I finished work in time to go to school or another job… You wouldn’t need someone daily even, just maybe 2 days a week (and then your third workout on the weekend when hubs can handle them). It’s an even better gig for the student if you find another mom to take the same schedule alternate days…As time when on, I ended up doing more and more for the family – errands, homework with the kids after school etc, on just an as needed basis….

  20. anonymouse says:

    I would love to get a mother’s helper, but I’m a cheapskate ;) I have thought about it though, and will perhaps give it a little more thought again.

    Heels… I just have no balance. I do have one pair with almost 2″ of height, but rarely wear them. Plus they make me taller than hubby (we’re the same height), which I don’t like personally. Unless he wore heels, then it would make for a really interesting evening….

    I do tend to wear jeans and a fitted shirt, it’s a rare day when I’m in jammies when he comes home, and that’s usually only after getting puked on or something fun and sexy like that ;) That is one area I do make an effort in as much as possible, though I wouldn’t say I go overboard. And babies like necklaces. I like necklaces intact. So I only wear them when going out :) I keep a few nicer shirts for going out too, and have made a few that are a bit more flattering to my figure than storebought.

    Thanks for all the ideas. I was hoping to get directed to some sort of magic list of lines to use, but this works too :)

  21. Ok all, lets make this a magic lines list, I’d like that too!

    I’ll start with my tried at trues: “I’m so wet right now; hurry home.”
    “I think I’m going to throw away this bra and panty set after tonight” (this is my invitation for him to rip them off or me in my rape fantisy style)
    “Last night was incredible; I can’t stop thinking about when you….”

  22. Oh and if your hubby is close in height, I totally get not wanting to wear heals – mine hates them for that reason; I’m already 5’7.5 and he’s only 5’9, so my normal super tall stilletos are no longer my go to…but when I was with a guy that was 6’1, they always got points….

  23. anonymouse says:

    You’re about half an inch taller than I am :) Hubby’s about 5’9″, but with shoes we end up the same height. It just feels awkward being taller than him.

  24. I have been pg 5 times, and homeschool too. So I get where you’re coming from! My stretch marks are sensing a kindred spirit! Lol. Sounds like you aren’t in the “frumpy jumper” brigade, so that should make you feel sexier already. I recently found out I have PCOS, got meds and dropped a bunch of weight, and I’m back in my college jeans–had a 40 something shiny truck man at the next gas pump raise his eyebrows and tell me “that can’t be your van!” and proceed to flirt as I was filling up my mom mobile. Ha! So lotsa kids/big van do not necessarily trump a good hairstyle and cute jeans. :). Yes, I def told my husband all about that one. I guess I’m trying to say that Im always encouraged to meet other moms who havent thrown in the sexy towel bc they have a big fam and a lot to do. I just feel sorry for the martyr-mom’s husbands. :(
    I read through this Forum post:
    http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/43508-what-makes-woman-sexy.html
    with my husband yesterday, and I loved hearing what he thought was and wasn’t sexy on a woman in general, me in particular. :) thus the texting about whether he preferred shorts or yoga pants that I referred to earlier. He really enjoyed our “what’s sexy” talk, so I wanted to remind him of that. I guess that’s what this shy girl does–texts to remind him of moments when he was totally turned on.
    Works for us. :)

  25. anonymouse says:

    Kat34, that’s awesome :) We just upgraded to a 15 passenger van, so now I just get looks of wtf at my little Moby ;)

    I have to say I’ve been extremely lucky, in that even after 7 babies, I still look pretty decent. A definite apple shape, but not obviously overweight. Most people don’t even notice the apple if I dress right. I just hope that that continues to be the case ;)

    I’m sorry about the PCOS though :( I’ve heard that’s pretty rough to deal with. Glad the meds are making a difference :)

  26. There is a book out called sex is fun that would be good for the OP .

  27. AVG…

    A little late here so not sure if you will see this or not… or if I am repeating what others have said.

    I think you need to work up to the butt shot, not spring it on her without anything prior to build up to.

    It’s the difference between Men and Women. You were probably thinking if your wife sent you a butt shot or a boob shot out of the blue that it would be pretty cool – unfortunately, they don’t all think like we do so she might respond better if you work your way up to it. I would save that exact picture, next time you sexting her you can always just randomly throw it in, you guys could probably share a laugh that way.

    As for the reader who wrote in to Athol, again I hope I am not repeating others, the only thing I would add is that breaking out of your comfort zones take practice. You don’t start texting him about your pussy and then BAM you are suddenly comfortable. I would use language you are comfortable with, but still a little edgy and push things further as you become more comfortable.

    Good luck!

  28. I wrote AVG previously – but I meant AMG (Average Married Guy)

    Oops

  29. FeralFelis says:

    I agree with those who said women might be more turned on with words (think romance novels) from their guys instead of photos. Until they get a little less shy, that is…

    I’m not shy, but I LOVE to write, and LOVED to sext. Thinking about what I’m going to say got me as hot as he got, receiving what I wrote.

    Here are some ideas:

    In terms of photos, I don’t like the way I look, so I focused on body parts/artsy photos instead of full body shots.

    1)I sent four photos of just my mouth with red red lipstick. No words, no face; just a closeup of my mouth. Sent these about 5 minutes apart one morning:
    #1 smiling a girl-next-door smile
    #2 pouty, like I’m making a kiss to blow through the air
    #3 parted, with my tongue running over the upper lip (that one took SEVERAL tries to get a nice sexy one)
    #4 a perfect oval, just waiting for his cock to be inserted

    2) Another series I did but never got to send before he left:
    #1 Me in a white button-up shirt, shot from the chest up. Curled my hair, a little mascara, a little lip gloss. Earrings and a necklace, but nothing too fancy; like we were going to a casual dinner place
    #2 Tighten the camera shot to just the V of the shirt
    #3 Open one button, pull the shirt open a little
    #4 Open 3 buttons, pull the shirt open so the new bra is showing. That’s it. It’s the tease, not the money shot.

    A template for texting:
    I love the way your (adjective) X feels on/in my Y. (It makes me feel Z.)
    Examples:
    I love the way your strong hands feel on my lower back. They make me feel protected.

    I love the way your fingers trail along my jawline. When you do that, it makes me feel beautiful.

    I love the way your soft lips feel on my neck. They send tingles down my spine.

    I love the way you stand behind me when I’m at the kitchen sink and move my hair to the side so you can kiss my shoulders. It makes me melt.

    So you get the idea. One of the things you can also do is say, “I love the way you…” even if he hasn’t done *exactly* that, but he’s done something close to it, and you WANT him to do *exactly* that.

    Example: He DIDN’T kiss your shoulders at the sink. You could say, “I love the way you stand next to me at the sink. I can picture you moving behind me, moving my hair to the side, and kissing my shoulders.”

    Alternate templates:
    I keep thinking about when we (did) X.
    I can picture X

    The thing is, if you’re shy and don’t want to use clinical words, I know from my guy friends that if you do ANYTHING they will be thrilled that you initiated it, and thrilled to know you DESIRE them. So it’s OK to use rather tame words; if you paint the outline, I promise he will fill in the blanks.

  30. Feral – GREAT post!! I’m totally stealing your photo series ideas!! Totally dig! Especially the white shirt one! Hubs totally digs the sexy librarian thing …

  31. anonymouse says:

    Thanks Feral :)

  32. Great ideas Feral!!

  33. FeralFelis says:

    thank you; i have thousands of them. You do, too; you just haven’t thought about it. Probably everybody here thinks they have to be a porn star or something. I’m sure we all have it in us, but as some of the guys have commented, that doesn’t work for everybody. I loved Athol’s post about asking your guy what does it for him. I wore twin ponytails tied with red ribbons one Saturday while working out in the yard, because it was so “MaryAnn”. Once he came around to my side of the garden and saw me, we didn’t get much yard work done… :-)

    I love the way you trace your finger from the nape of my neck to that spot where my spine ends. I get goosebumps just thinking about it!

    I love it when you kiss me as though there is nothing else to do in the world; it makes me feel special.

    I love it when you open my car door for me. I can picture you stopping me as I got in and making me pay a “toll” of a kiss….one of those long, sexy kisses you do, right there in the driveway! I’m blushing just thinking about it!

    Here’s one that made him laugh but later he told me he thought about that comment a lot, because he realized I was thinking of him even as I was doing something I would probably rather he did for himself:
    I folded your underwear and put it away this morning. I folded it like they do in the stores, and then I tucked in some of your golf balls because it looked so empty. Now it reminds me of you!

  34. anonymouse says:

    BAhahahahaha!!!! Omg, that is classic! Hmmm, might have to use that one, lol ;)

  35. “Sometimes just referencing a previous encounter works. “Hey babe, still thinking about last night”, innocuous comments can lead to some racy thoughts. Sexting doesn’t need to be explicit.”

    I agree with this. In fact, sexting me like I’m nothing but a piece of meat to him is an extreme turn-off. FeralFelis has listed several good ones to use because they imply seduction, not impersonal porn-style fucking.

    And I never, ever do pictures. Remember, you don’t have any control over the photos or texts once they’re sent. And if one of your coworkers or children (!!!) borrow your phone…

  36. It’s true the text doesn’t need to be explicit. I can’t bring myself to write explicitly, I am still working on making natural and graphic words sound sexy and intimate, as opposed to impersonal and too pornographic. The explicit stuff I’m better saying in the bedroom. It feels a lot sexier that way.
    I am more comfortable to tease with inuendo and feign innocent remarks. Something like; ‘I had such a dilema this morning… I couldn’t find matching panties for my bra so I’ve had to go without…’
    You can also do that if you go out somewhere – just mention it in the car to him- ‘I feel a little underdressed [no panties]…I hope you don’t mind….’
    ‘Thanks for giving me a hand last night…I’d still be in a slippery place if you hadn’t gotten a handle on things. I hope you don’t mind if ask for your help again sometime?’

    I am yet to send hubby a picture, but I want to. It will not have my head in it and I aim to make it as unidentifying as possible.

  37. Angeline says:

    Photos of parts of me – cleavage, a bare breast, or even of my hand covering something, are a huge turn-on and much appreciated. Also, un-identifiable. You’ll still want to be careful with deleting both received *and* sent messages. I think the “Jesus!” response may have been worry over coworkers somehow finding out and women just not being into graphic pics right out of the gate. I second the post above that othet sexy parts of you *to her* might not seem at all sexy to you. Think of the non-genitalia parts of your wife’s body that you love – the little smooth place at the back of her hairline, the place where collarbone becomes breast, etc. Find (Google image is awesome for this) pics of those, and send them to her, saying “I love (seeing/kissing/touching this part of you”. Seeing a magazine shot and thinking of her will be very flattering, and she will feel sexy and loved. Ask her to send you a pic of her where she likes to be kissed/touched. You can work up to more graphic stuff. Maybe. Some women – some people, are always going to be more turned on by words.

    I was married for 30 years, and we were inexperienced virgins but enthusiastic students. I was and still am very shy though, so saying what I liked and what I wanted was hugely difficult. It felt slutty to me, too. It helped to find out how delighted he was to get that. Now I’m in a relationship with a guy who is very understanding and patient with that, but determined to get past it – as he says, “I’m a fisherman. I’m a very patient man.” That one statement let me know that he thought it was endearing that I was shy, not abnormal (a little shy these days is far preferable to uber slutty), but that he was going to break that down with him (very domiinant, very hot). 3 years later we’re making great progress. I have to say that being pushed out of that comfort envelope can itself be hot.

    OP, you might ask him at some point (depending on your comfort level here) to *order* you to tell him a fantasy, or send a pic, or send a sexy message about something you’d like to do to him/like him to do to you. The “ordering” itself can be very hot, as well as the permission it gives you to be naughty. We also play the VBM game (I was so tickled to read that here because we already do that). He was laughing once because I took a raunchy joke he made and made it far worse, and he was shaking his head. “You women have just as dirtyy minds as men do” and I replied, “almost. But when you say it, we get to pretend to be shocked *and* we get to laugh at it.” I’ll say “oooh you’re a very bad man” and he’ll call me on it: “But you wouldn’t have me any other way, now would you?” It’s a fun dynamic that we’re still learning a lot about.

    Hope I threw out some ideas for the men and the ladies.

  38. Feral what about men texting there wives what do they want to hear.
    I text mine I would love you to wear your long boots and sexy underwear,but get no reply or it just doesn’t happen

  39. You can’t expect from a text what you don’t get in person.

    Would she wear the boots if you told her to go put them on while you tucked the kids in?

  40. FeralFelis says:

    GC, that’s a great question. I think any of the kinds of texts I suggested earlier could be used by a guy; in fact, based on how I think most of my women friends are, they would PREFER something a little less hard-core to start with; something a little more romantic and a little less sexual to get the ball rolling. I know this is MMSL and you’re supposed to be all Alpha Male, but by the end of my first marriage, if my husband would have texted this to me I would have thought to myself, “Oh yeah? What about what *I* would love?!” and I would have deleted his text without responding. The point is, our relationship was so far gone, my anger towards him so intense, and our communication so poor (despite 5 years of counseling) that I didn’t give a rat’s ass what he wanted.
    Now, in my 2nd marriage, or in my last relationship, I could receive a random text out of the blue which said “Be naked on the bed when I get home” (not even a qualifying, “I would love for you to…”) and my response would have been “I’m wet just thinking about it” or “Aye, Capn!”

    So I guess the point is, you have to know a little bit about where your woman’s mindset is towards you in general, to know how best to sext (or not sext…maybe just romance her to get her warmed up) her. I think in general a guy can go from working on a spreadsheet to seeing a photo of his woman’s boobs and it has the intended effect; I’m not so sure most (some would, I know) women would respond quite so quickly.

    But this is MMSL and I think I’m suggesting some Beta behaviors. Caveat emptor.

  41. FeralFelis says:

    Kat-
    You were much more succinct, and right on!

  42. I do also send texts offering her a sensual massage,she replies to those,but not any texts were I ask her to dress up .

  43. FeralFelis says:

    Have you tried talking to her about this? Maybe she just doesn’t like to dress up? Strange as it seems, I was scared to get my first mani/pedi, and it took a while, but he gently persisted in telling me how much he liked it, so I finally dove in. But we talked about it a lot before I did it.

  44. It does feel a bit silly to get dressed up – for bed. Until you experience how much your husband likes it, you can’t really understand the point of doing so.
    GC – it sounds to me that she is responding to things that will please her, but not to anything that pleases you. Do you need to increase the Alpha in other areas? Also- are you asking, or telling? Be direct: ‘You look so hot in those boots and sexy underwear – I want you in that tonight.’ It sounds to me like you are being a bit too passive. I am assuming she has dressed up for you before? I’m getting the ‘fitness test’ vibe of her ignoring your request. I would suggest if she doesn’t put them on, give her a playful/firm slap on the arse and tell her she’s got one minute to put them on. Don’t fail the test. If she hasn’t dressed up for you before, do the same thing, adding that you can’t wait to see her in them.
    Don’t forget the ten second kiss etc when you see her after work and a few more times in the evening …..and let her know you are expecting the dress up.

  45. GC – you might try something that requires a little less thinking on her part…rather than “I would love to see you in boots and underwear etc” You can try picking out the things you want her to wear and laying them out on the bed. The set of underwear you like, the boots, anything else. If she doesn’t have those things, you’d need to be the one to go out and buy them, so you’ll need to know her sizes. And then leave a note on a night when you get home after her “I’ll be home at 8, be wearing this” This accomplishes a few things. It takes the extra effort out of her hands because honestly this whole dressing up thing, feels like wasted effort…if something needs to be purchased, it eliminates the feeling of “we need new couch covers, i shoulden’t be spending money on this” (now I’m assumeing that you CAN afford this, don’t blow the money for the electric bill….) and then lastly, it builds the idea up and warms her up to it. She sees the boots set out on the bed etc (no digging them out of the closet) and that puts the idea in her mind. Then maybe at 7:40, you text and say “on my way, start getting dressed” which gives her a second trigger in the evening to think about the outfit, get into it at her leasure, and make sure she looks great (guys you might not realize it, but she may feel “I ican’t wear cute underwear, I didn’t shave my legs today! I can’t put on nice boots if my nails aren’t done!” etc…it gives her some time to work those things into her evening if she needs to do that to feel good. And the whole time she’s getting ready for you, she’s thinking about how excited you’ll be, which is exciting for her. So by the time you get there, she’s well warmed up for you.

  46. This may not get read, but wanted to get off my chest. Starting to think this sexting stuff isn’t going to work for me, with a couple contributing factors. My wife is the LD spouse and while responsive to initiation is pretty conservative by nature. She’s got a wall built up on the issue of sex and isn’t interested in communicating on the subject in general. The few attempts at playful banter through e-mail (we’re both mostly desk jockeys though have done some texting when she’s on the road) have been hit or miss, mostly miss as she is (I think) uncomfortable responding back. Today it was “stop sending me dirty e-mails” after a total of one on Monday (got a funny, not flirty, response back) and one today (pretty benign but not sensual – said she looked hot this morning and how I would have liked to push her into the laundry room and have my way with her. I know, not flirty or sexy, how a guy would talk. Ugh.) . (Note, used her our non-work accounts for this). Anyway, going to stop with the dirty flirting attempts, at least for now. Just not working for me, certainly think my approach could use a lot work but coupled with the work environment and phone it’s not worth the frustration since I’m not even getting worthwhile response back. Thanks everyone for the ideas though, may file them away for another time.

  47. anonymouse says:

    AMG, how is your communication with her in general? If it’s not that great face to face, I’m going to guess that the flirting through email/text isn’t going to get her worked up. Hubby and I are constantly talking about everything under the sun, but it’s all economics, kids, state of the world, etc. When we start talking about sexy type stuff, my mind goes blank, lol :) But we good rapport elsewhere, so while it doesn’t freak me out or annoy me when hubby sends sexts, I just don’t have the experience to know how to respond.

    I also had the misfortune to get it hammered into my head that all sex is wrong and evil and whatnot, when I was fairly young and impressionable, and talking about it just makes me uncomfortable still.

  48. AMG – could you have misread “stop sending me dirty emails” could that have been in the vein of “gawd, stop, you’re so bad…” which really means “keep um coming” ? how’d you respond to that email? “I just can’t stop thinking about you”?? For the record, your text about having your way with her, if my husband sent me that, I’d definately respond positively to it..it’s not super clever or witty, but it is a very nice visual. I just wanted to let you know that I don’t think it’s neccssarily that YOU”RE not very good at it…if she’s not into it then she’s not into it, that doesn’t mean you’re bad at it…or it could mean that youo haven’t found the right thing yet… How’s your sex rank compair with hers?

Speak Your Mind

*