Chatting on teh Facebooks…
Alpha Dude: I need some advice. I had a guy email me, been going through a divorce for two years (he says she’s managed to drag it out that long) and now he just feels resentment towards women and doesn’t know how to get over it (long and short of it).
Athol: What was the cause of the divorce?
Alpha Dude: Wife cheated and left and they have a kid.
Athol: Why did she cheat?
Alpha Dude: He doesn’t say. I’m guessing he AFC’d it up and made her vagina as dry as the mojave. (AFC: Average Frustrated Chump)
Athol: So the way forward is to stop shifting all the blame for the relationship failure onto her, accept that he made mistakes, and self-improve so he doesn’t repeat the same mistake with future women. Sometimes it’s just easier to hate women than accept you made any mistakes.
Alpha Dude: Thank you.
Athol: It’s a very common pattern that this happens btw. I’ve seen so many guys admit they ignored her fair warnings in the aftermath of affairs and divorce.
Alpha Dude: Yeah, I understand where he’s coming from with the bitterness and resentment. Though I’ve never been divorced, I have been cheated on and left when I thought we had a good thing going.
Athol: But in the aftermath could you see anything you could have done better?
Alpha Dude: Oh yeah for sure well but like not in the aftermath afterwards.
Athol: Oh yeah I mean not in the middle of it.
Alpha Dude: As things were failing, as I was trying to put it all together – I was angry. But after, looking back, yes.
Athol: After it’s basically over and you’re moving on.
Alpha Dude: Pre-game aftermath, no. Post game, yes.
Athol: It’s basically the final step to moving on.
Alpha Dude: Right.
Athol: The basic issue is inablity to forgive her, and understanding is the road to forgiveness. Once you can say “Oh I see why she did that now.” You’re there. Most women aren’t random lunatics doing things for no reason. They just have different motivations than men. But they do rationally seek to meet those motivations.
Alpha Dude: Imagine if game had never been stumbled on.
Athol: Yeah Game is important. So many relationships could have been saved or happier for it.
Athol: Which is not to say some women aren’t batshit crazy or evil.
Alpha Dude: ^lol
Athol: But then you shouldn’t have gotten involved in the first place.
Athol: I can’t think of a post for today lol. I think this is it.
The only thing I’d add to that exchange is that it is completely normal to be deeply hurt and angry by getting screwed over in your relationship. Being cheated on sucks. Having your partner dump you sucks. I’m not making light of any of that. But at the end of the day, you still being twisted all out of shape over your ex doesn’t affect them… it affects you. And forgiving them doesn’t really affect them… but it does affect you. So ultimately forgiveness is something you do for you.
I’m not talking about you taking on all the blame for the relationship failure either. She could have always not cheated or not left you. I’m saying it’s finding your fair share of the failure and finding a way to move forward as best you can. If you want to be able to have a loving intimate sexual relationship with a woman at some point in the future, holding onto resentment and anger ensures that can’t happen.
Jennifer: Even good marriages have bad moments where you really hurt each other. You have to move past those moments or it stops being fun to be together.