Pull My Hair

Reader:  Athol, I need help letting my husband know that I would like to try some hotter/more Alpha sex. I am attracted to him and we have a good sex life, but sometimes it is too “nice.” He has your book, but that message hasn’t taken hold. I don’t want to seem to be criticizing him in any way. How can I introduce this idea?

Athol:  The problem is that he’s likely so ingrained as a Nice Guy that while he mentally may understand you might like that sort of sex… he doesn’t believe it.

You’ve probably tried talking about it, so now is the time to try action. It’s one thing to say “I’d like to try that in bed some time.” and another thing in the middle of having sex to say “Pull my hair!” and look like you’re really into the idea of having your hair pulled. You can also do that sort of thing by text. Just say what you want to happen that night.

You can also go to an adult store and come back with something suitable to tie you up or swat your ass or whatever.

Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and say what you want in the middle of sex.



  1. FeralFelis says:

    Some men are not at all turned on by having this kind of thing sprung on them in bed. My beau was better at discussing those kinds of things in the oxytocin rush of post-orgasmic bliss, as part of a post-game debriefing.

    He was afraid he would hurt me if he wasn’t gentle; years of training by two shrewish wives. I actually had him grab my hair and hold it while *I* pulled back on it, showing him just how much pulling action it could take without pain! But I also had to explain that while the whole pony tail can be pulled, pulling out just two strands could bring me to my knees! I had to show him how hard a booty slap was about right. He was just afraid he was going to hurt me, but he was eager to learn things once he knew I wanted them.

  2. Ditto, for the longest time I was inculcated into the “be gentle” school of tentative sexual practices.

    Been meeting a lot of women lately, however, who dig the surprise smack on the ass, the hair pull (even during a standing, clothes-on kiss) or having one limb tied to the bed. One breathed into my ear, “I love it when you…aahhh…take control.”

    But yes, it’s hard to get to that point of bold but very controlled physical domination that she likes. I use a mantra to remind myself that she can take it: “a ten-pound baby comes out of there, it’s not as fragile as you think.”

  3. After you get comfortable with hair pulling, give choking a try. Specifically, squeezing the corotids, on either side of her neck, not the wind pipe in front of her neck. This is technically a strangle, not a choke and can be pleasurable to both giver and receiver. I love kissing my wife while choking her against a wall.

  4. That last commentator’s advice could lead to some tricky questions if you happen to kill her.

    I can’t pull my wife’s hair. She keeps it short.

    She likes being spanked before intercourse.

    I suppose my habit of holding her down by the shoulders and pulling her down to increase the force of my pounding might count as forceful.

  5. FeralFelis says:

    I’m not fond of being tied, even one limb. But I like to *pretend* I’m tied.

    One of the moves I love is for my arms to be stretched out, either to the sides or above my head, and the wrists held down VERY firmly. It’s not easy to do unless the guy is substantially taller than I am, but there are two guys in the world who made me coo like a dove :-)

  6. alphaguy says:

    I too thought women wanted to be gentle in sex. I had no clue until I took the Red Pill that all that stuff I saw in porn, many women really got into! Since reading MMSL I’ve had more sex with my wife in the past year than I had in the first 15 years of our marriage! She talks about what she wants more and she does just what Athol says and sometime tells me what she wants in the middle of sex. At first, I kind of turned me off, but now I just go with the flow. Fairly frequently she wants it rough or anal or something out of the ordinary. It’s all good…

  7. To the reader…

    Depending on your comfort level you could also watch some porn with him to show him what you like, or send him some links…

    Lastly… when he does give it to you the way you want it, make sure he knows during how much you like it as well as after.

    Some positive reinforcement can go a long way.

  8. FeralFelis says:

    alphaguy said: “At first, I kind of turned me off, but now I just go with the flow.”

    There are a lot of guys in the world who say they just want to know what makes their woman happy, but if they find a woman who knows what makes her happy, there can be a fairly high hurdle of defensiveness and intimidation to clear. And that assumes he doesn’t have the whole good girl/bad girl complex going on. I am glad to hear alphaguy at least acknowledge the issue; I thought perhaps it was just me coming across like a ball-buster or something.

  9. Thanks Athol and others who have shared ideas. I’m mulling them over so I can come up with a plan. He is definitely a “nice guy” and I am a “good girl,” so it is a stretch for both of us. But, we have made a lot of progress and will continue to move forward.

  10. WIGFYT? “Was it good for you too?”

    Since taking the red pill my sex life has also significantly improved. After a recent marathon session my wife asked WIGFYT for the first time in probably 6 or 7 years.

  11. Do NOT choke your partner. It makes no difference whether you’re obstructing the carotids (big blood vessels in the neck) or the trachea (windpipe) because either way you are cutting off oxygen to the brain. There is no such thing as “safe” erotic asphyxiation. (I am a medical person, but really, most nonmedical people know this stuff).

  12. FeralFelis says:

    I doubt I would like actually being choked, or even having enough pressure on the carotids to inhibit blood flow, but I do like the feel of a hand around my neck, giving the HINT of a choke; the THOUGHT that if he closed his hand, he would choke me. My neck is very sensitive anyway, so this is a double-duty kind of touch.

  13. I think choking is kind of an extreme that the average woman is NOT going to like…I like when my guy puts his hand kind of on my clavical/upper pectoral area. It gives him complete control to pin me down and that’s a turn on, without being scary or dangerous. I think most of this stuff is about control/forcefulness rather than actual pain.

    To the guy that mentioned holding his wife’s shoulders to create more force – because that’s somethng that I also like, I’d mention that it’s really great if you do it with her hips. My particular fav is when when I’m laying on my belly and he’s on top of me (kind of rear entry missionary i guess, I’m sure there’s a name, but I don’t know it…), in general that’s one of our favorite positions, but it’s way beter when he puts his hands on my hips and pushes toward the foot of the bed while thrusting. I don’t think it’s the actual sensation that’s such a turn on but rather the force and the control…

  14. oh right, i got distracted with what I was actualy going to comment! I was going to say that I totally dig this homework assignment idea!! We didn’t get to it the night of, but it was in the back of my mind as a change of pace. This one’s not a big winner for us, but it was really nice to have a very specific idea for one of those nights where we were kinda “what are you in the mood for?” ” I don’t know, what are you in the mood for?”…

  15. The bonus of just crying out for what you want in the middle of sex is that you get to play it off as a “heat-of-the-moment” type of thing. When you approach it outside of the bedroom as a “talk” or a “conversation” that you have to have, that’s when it can come across as criticism despite your best intentions. In his mind: “Oh my God, this must be really bothering her for her to bring it up with me like this. I’ve been doing it wrong all these years! How dare she criticize my sexual prowess like that!” Cue defensiveness. (Exaggerated for effect, of course, but you get the idea.)

    Whereas when you just blurt it out in the middle of sex, in his mind it goes like: “Oh my God, she’s so turned on by how well I’m fucking her that she’s lost all inhibition! She’s been overwhelmed by my sexual prowess! I am the ultimate lovemaker!” You get what you want, he gets a big ego boost. It’s a win-win.

  16. Hate hair pulling. But I love being picked up and carried to bed, or tossed around like we’re having a wrestling match. Fun, fun, fun. The best way I’ve found to introduce the “man-handle me!” request is to call him at work and tell him what I want him to do to me when he comes home. Gives him a few hours to get some good fantasies going, and I get to relay exactly how rough I can take it.


  18. Jane, I think you got my point. I am glad it was understandable. I do it for my own satisfaction. I am not sure if my wife likes it. Some men, I am one, need a lot of “bounce” back from the woman’s body. I have trouble getting enough with my wife on top or with rear entry. On the rare occasions, I have put her on the floor, the physics have not worked either.

    So I learned that the only way that works with rear entry is to hold her hips and effectively pound against them (it only works with her over the edge of the bed too). In missionary, holding her shoulders and pulling her down each time to meet my thrusts probably does the same in terms of enhancing stimulation. But it is also psychological because it has a very dominant feel to it, which I like. I like to feel I am repeatedly impaling her.

  19. FeralFelis says:

    Unless, of course, his answer when you ask for something in the middle of things is, “If you don’t like the way I’m doing it, do it yourself!”

    That incident peaked the rejection scale for both of us, and we never really recovered.

  20. @FeralFelis:

    Ouch. Well, I guess append to the above the standard disclaimer that I can only claim to speak for myself, not all men. Still, judging by your first comment at the top of the page, it sounds like you’ve found the right time and way of phrasing suggestions that works for your man, so good on you for that.

  21. Sometimes phrasing can make a big difference. For example, a guy who reacts badly to a straight request (or as interprets it, command) to “Pull my hair!” might react better to “Oh my God, it would be so hot if you pulled my hair right now.” Or better yet, pair it with a compliment: “Oh my God, that feels so good, I just want you to grab a handful of my hair and really stick it to me hard.”

    Of course, if he reacts THAT badly to a little direction in bed, you’ve got to consider the possibility that 1.) he’s overly sensitive to perceived criticism in general, which is something you should probably talk about, or 2.) he’s getting an overly-critical vibe from you in other areas, or both.

  22. This is why it’s best to be honest rather than trying to be “nice” – “nice” is a losing proposition, whereas being yourself and making it known what you want and need, will result in your getting it from the beginning.

    Personally, I think it’s a backlash against the demand that women be what they don’t want – most don’t want to have to make decisions, they want to be passive especially at home after playing a part at work. I have had more than a few women who are Doctors and Lawyers during the day want to be told what to do and controlled at night. It allows them to be what they want – rather than what they have been told they are expected to be. This is why many women who you would never think would be into such things, crave it. It is forbidden – and that has it’s own allure.

    So, the bottom line is demand a woman to keep you happy.. Make her work for it, and you’ll both be a lot happier since she knows that you’re with her because she keeps you happier than others, that makes her feel good, and lets her know that there are others who will step into her place if she slacks off. That gives her a sense of accomplishment and a feeling that she “won”. That is what women want – to “win” compared to other women… So make her work for it, make her “need” you and your approval, and you’ll both be happier.

    Sure a lot of women will say that’s not what they want, but they do. Never believe what a woman says – look at her body to tell you, she can’t lie that way.

  23. Hello,

    Let envy guide you into being the man you were meant to be, but be moral in your becoming such. This has in many ways been my path. Analyze one’s envy and you will find a new world of being in you, the world you were born for as a man, a world of freedom, which God hath planned for you. A man was designed to be strong self-willed (under higher authorities, but having his own subordinates), powerful, strong, dignified, able to see women as they really are and not with rose colored glasses, critical as a thinker, etc etc etc. We need a positive view of man, plus we need to unearth all our envy and let it open us up, let us lead us to grief and then to restoration of the wholeness of our selves. Amen

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