When You Can’t Think Of Ways She Can Sexually Please You

This reader is single, but it’s a great question.

Reader:  I’ve had a hot streak lately and enjoyed the sexual acquaintance of a girl or two. Swell, but an issue I’m running into is a woman asking in flagrante, “what do you like?”

On occasion I’ll thunder “grab my ass” or simply move her into a new position. Sometimes I answer in baritone, “I like making you horny.”

But overall I don’t really have a good “oh GOD please do that” list in my head. I’m a meat and asparagus kind of guy, I like heavy P-in-V sex, the prone cowgirl position and making a woman orgasm. Much of my sexual diversity is in the foreplay/runup: massaging, hair pulling, licking/biting, tying her to the bed. I know plenty of things to do to her, but I’m a bit thin on what I can have done to me. I took pretty well to a dominant sexual oeuvre once I learned about it, so I’m wondering if I just need a shot of ideas – where can I find some?

On a related note, I came to realize a little while back that this sort of exchange is the exact same paradigm as the “what do you want for dinner” issue that drives women out of their minds. This is a woman asking me to be in charge, in fact submitting to me in wanting to please me. If I flake on the opportunity I’m depriving them of what they want to do, which is whatever I want to do (within reason, obviously).

Athol:  Hiya, you have the dynamic that’s happening completely right. They are asking for a way to please you and it probably doesn’t matter what you ask them to do for you, just as long as you ask them to do something. So you may as well ask them to do something you like.

There’s probably a ton of books out there about “How To Make Love To Your Man So His Toes Curl Up And He Ejaculates Three Yards.”  Maybe some of them have ideas for you.

Also if you’re normal P-in-V type, you might like being edged. Have her do stuff to you to get you very near orgasm several times during the session. The easy way to do that is to switch off between getting her off and edging you close, then rinse and repeat. Once you’ve had that happen a couple rounds, I can assure you the final time where you orgasm is intense. Plus you can go really over the top with the full Manbearpig-sexual-force-of-nature finishing move.

Seriously, go Manbearpig on her…

… if she’s into you, she wants you to turn into a hormone driven animal on top of her, just on the edge of out of control. You creature of the night you. She wants to be the moon and you to be the werewolf.

Or you can always go the easy route and have her call you “Sir.” Or whatever way you prefer her to verbalize that she is submitting to you. That way the vanilla P-in-V you like continues, you add the requirement/request she admit to liking being dominated sexually by you.

Jennifer:  I finished editing your post sir….  :-)


  1. I only ever get my wife to call me “sir” when I am spanking her as foreplay, and not even all that often then.

    I would love to hear from other people, including women, about sexy things women can say. My wife is not terribly imaginative in this area.

  2. You might ask for oral sex – that appears to be hugely enjoyed by all men. If the lady has no experience you may have to direct her so you had better look up instructions for oral sex on the internet. :-) C

  3. David – re sexy things to say during sex for a lady. I find admiration of a man’s body goes down well and can be combined with touching, stroking, kissing etc. One does not have to use crude words, just be sincere about what parts one likes. Also, feedback on what feels nice seems to be well appreciated! :-) C

  4. Theresa says:

    I can confirm, from a lady’s perspective, that if a girl asks you what you want, she really is looking for you to order her around a little. Nothing turns the heat down faster than asking that question and getting a hedged answer like “whatever you would like”, or “I don’t know, what would you like”… I feel like responding to that with “I’d like a million dollars and a fresh coffee. Let’s go!”

    When a woman offers to do what you’d like, she’s really looking for confirmation that you are hot-sweaty-wild into her and want it that way ;) In that moment, you could ask her something you would probably be hesitant to suggest in a more sober moment, and she will likely still react with enthusiasm.

    David…if your wife is willing to talk dirty, but just doesn’t know what to say, she might be able to get some ideas from a dirty movie. Some ladies get weird about porn but if she’s comfortable with watching them, put one on and give her some feedback when you hear something you’d like her to say. I’ve got some of my best stuff from watching porn as a “tutorial” tool ;)

  5. Ladies, the problem is that my wife and I have never had much experience besides each other. She was a virgin, and I had only had sex with one other girl. And we don’t watch porn. I have watched a bit, but my wife only reads spanking sites. I don’t really know what talking dirty means. I mean I don’t know the kinds of things women say.

  6. Flipper says:

    David, one easy thing to do is to just describe what you are doing and talk about that. When you enter her, ask her if she can feel how hard you are. Ask he what her pussy feels like. Tell her you are going to fuck her good. Ask her if she’s had naughty thoughts today? Ask her if you make her wet. Things like that. Open ended questions.

  7. Yes, Theresa, my wife was very turned on recently, and she said “I’ll take up any position you want”. I felt like saying, “What’s new?”

  8. Flipper says:

    David, I don’t follow. Are you saying you don’t know what you like or that you know but can’t communicate it?

  9. David, This is the situation with my husband and I, no other experience outside each other. It played a big part in how our sex life used to be.

    About two years ago we started reading through a few books together (Sheet Music was one) which ignited our adventurous side. With open communication added to the equation, neither one of us feels shy about telling the other what we’re interested in trying.

    Sometimes the biggest turn on is just what Flipper said, my husband just talking to me, telling me what he’s going to do and asking questions. We don’t necessarily need to use dirty words, just describing is enough. Sometimes ideas for the next time come from that dialogue.

  10. I just meant that a turned on woman is a pliable woman.

  11. flipper says:

    So do you not know what you want? Or are you reluctant to tell her what you really think about doing to women?

  12. “And we don’t watch porn. ”

    I don’t like porn either. So much of it is faking. There’s the Better Sex Series from the Sinclair Institute. It’s still like porn, but I find it to be much more realistic. I like those videos.

  13. Joseph K says:

    We go beyond “Sir”. Every time my wife has an orgasm she says “Thank you Master”. Every time.

    She also doesn’t have an initiating bone in her body, so all our sex is with me as dominant and her as submissive. She never asks what I want, because in her mind that would be initiating. She tells me that sex is all about me, her husband. That she wants to do anything that will please me.
    I wouldn’t mind it if she were a sexual minx who was sexually aggressive, even if it was just asking what I want occasionally, but that isn’t her.
    Instead it’s all up to me, which can be tiring sometimes, but I get a wife who will have sex whatever, whenever, wherever I want and she really get off on it being that way. She tells me that her greatest sexual pleasure is seeing me pleased, not her orgasms. Who am I to complain.

  14. Your reader sounds like he knows the answer to his own question and is fairly on top of things in terms of knowing what this woman is getting at, she just isn’t saying “I want you to dominate me, I will submit to almost anything you want”.

    My suggestion, have fun with it.

    Think about what you want, she is asking you, so tell her. If all you want is P in the V then tell her that but in a dominant way. You could grab her, pin her down and tell her you want to pound her from behind. Whatever.

    For her, I am doubting it’s the actual act; she just want you to control the situation and have at her.

    Sounds like a keeper to me.

  15. One thing that I’ve found is that any time you’re telling a woman what to do, it helps to pair it with a compliment. Obviously if she’s specifically asking you for direction you probably don’t need to do anything extra to help it go down smooth, but it can’t hurt either.

    Her: What do you want to do?

    You: I want to fuck you from behind. (Good!)

    You: I want to fuck you from behind so I can see that gorgeous ass bounce. (Better!)

  16. Flipper says:

    Good posting Ben.

  17. Flipper says:

    Talking dirty can be kind of tricky for the blue pill couple trying to convert. Does anyone know of any good resources for getting beyond the silliness and early jitters of it? Talking dirty would seem to be one of Ian’s strengths as writer. I did some googling, but it popped up some Cosmo type crap.

  18. Reader: pick up a copy of Cosmopolitan Magazine. There are always articles of “50 New Things to Make Your Man Cross-Eyed.” Circle all your favorites, scan the pages, and email it to her personal (not work) address. This will give her time to pick and choose the ones she likes and prep, in case she needs to bring supplies next time. You also save the in-person embarrassment of her scrunched-up face and a rejection if one of your ideas is not her idea of fun.

    Porn sites are not the way to go when looking for ideas; all the positions are for the camera, and ditto with the verbal noises and ridiculous comments. Your partner is probably just wanting to please you, so if she kisses or touches a good spot, give her a happy moan as feedback. Nothing is more boring or frustrating that a man who is quiet as a rock (except another female that is quiet as a rock).

  19. Dirty talk is something I’ve struggled with too. About as far as I’ve gotten is to just embrace the silliness and run with it. Silly and sexy don’t have to be mutually exclusive, after all, and laughing together is a good bonding experience even if it doesn’t necessarily get you laid in the short term. (-:

    Humor is also good when you’re trying to work your way up to something that you’re not sure is going to be cool with her. In my case, I want to get into playful namecalling, but I know that jumping right into, “That’s right, X my Y, you dirty slut,” is going to get me kicked out of bed but quick. So I’ve started off with stuff that’s intentionally over-tame and even archaic and played it as a joke. Things like, “you naughty minx,” “you shameless tart,” and “you little tease” aren’t likely to provoke offense, but each time I can push it a little farther. I’m not likely to ever get all the way to “you dirty slut,” but continuing to push the boundaries is fun.

    Another good one I’ve seen on the MMSL blog before is to just describe what’s happening, a la “I love it when you [thing she’s doing right now]” or “your [part of her] feels so good against my [part of you].” As an added bonus, it gives her positive reinforcement for whatever she’s doing at the moment (assuming that it’s something you want to encourage).

  20. @Flipper: I wouldn’t engage in talking dirty if you’re uncomfortable with it. You’ll come across as a phony and a flake who’s trying too hard to be someone you’re not. Sex isn’t about putting on a show for an audience; it’s about enjoying yourself and turning your partner on. You don’t want her laughing at you.

  21. @Jaz71:

    You’re not wrong, but you’ll also never get comfortable enough that it feels natural if you never do it at all. That’s why I’d say not to try it unless you’re with someone who you can laugh about it with if it goes seriously screwy, and then start small and work your way up.

  22. @Ben: Talking dirty is not a requirement for sex. As you have pointed out, calling a woman derogatory names (like slut, whore, bitch, etc.) can really backfire and have the opposite of your desired effects.

    (I had a LTR BF do this to me in bed–once–and I responded, “Give it to me, you Old Man! Old Man, ooooh!!!” He of course stopped thrusting immediately.)

    Which is why I recommend that people just be themselves in bed. If you try talking dirty and it’s not comfortable for you (or her), then just chalk it up to the 70% of stuff that’s not going to work. This is also why it’s so important that one test drives before one buys: two people may not be sexually compatible, whether it’s because of frequency wanted or physical/verbal acts preferred.

  23. @Jaz71:

    Of course it’s not a requirement, but Flipper obviously wants to get into it (or else his partner wants him to) or he wouldn’t have asked.

    If it’s excruciatingly uncomfortable for one or both partners, then of course don’t push through that just for the sake of pushing through it. If it’s something that you like the idea of, though, then there’s no reason not to try it just because it feels a little silly at first.

    I’ve always liked the idea in theory, but never felt really confident enough to try it until I read MMSL and started boosting my confidence in other ways. Once I’d tried it just a little, my lady specifically mentioned afterwards that she really liked it, and that’s when I started experimenting with it more and pushing the boundaries a little. If I had tried it a little and she’d pushed back against it in a major way, I’d have dropped it and that would’ve been that. It’s not for everyone, it’s just another thing that you can experiment with to spice things up.

  24. @Ben: Flipper has much bigger things to worry about than letting loose with a verbal onslaught in bed. If you scan the comments from Athol’s previous post of yesterday, you’ll read his story.

    If I remember correctly from a couple months ago, Flipper is with a naturally dominant woman who owns her own business, and she thus stands to lose a LOT of money should he file for divorce and she is forced to pay him off (or sell and split it 50/50). As with any seriously lopsided and broken relationship, follow the money and you’ll see why one or both spouses tolerate the intolerable (or just rides out a marriage with someone they are long over being attracted to).

  25. @Jaz71:

    I don’t doubt that you’re right, but sometimes progress doesn’t happen by focusing on problems in order of their severity. Sometimes you have to work on one of the big things for a while, then one or two little things, then back to try to take another whack at that big thing, then knock out one of those little things again. You shouldn’t ignore the big things, but neither should you bang your head against the same big problem until you drive yourself nuts.

    If his relationship, unbalanced as it may be, is together enough that they’re having sex at all, I don’t see the harm in trying to switch things up in bed from time to time. Dirty talk (approached the right way: start small!) can be part of that. Or not. Whatever.

  26. flipper says:

    Actually I own my own business. And she makes good money. I can show a lot of profit or a little.

  27. (After re-reading Flipper’s comments from the previous post.)

    If she’s actually dealing with any kind of depression (which sounds likely), maybe don’t bother trying the name-calling even as a joke. Something more positive is probably in order. Doesn’t mean you can’t still try talking dirty, just dirty-nice as opposed to dirty-jokingly-mean.

  28. I could still use some real-life quotes.

  29. There are different degrees/styles of ‘dirty talk’. Our style of dirty talk is 99% complimentary, not (imo)derogatory (slut/bitch). The 1% would be him calling me a ‘dirty girl’, not during sex, just in reference to the new (much more sexy) things I’m doing and saying these days, and it’s said with a smile and a kiss.
    It does take a little practice to get used to – even the relatively tame stuff like ‘I want to suck your c*ck’. At first the words would get stuck in my throat, I’d trip over them etc. It was so foreign to say out loud and I was nervous! But by the third time or so, I was getting more comfortable and confident that he liked it.

    As to the OP: Most of what I do is for my husband, not necessarily to him. He has told me a couple of things he likes me to do to him, but the majority of it is me wearing lingerie for him, or putting on a show for him. I try to appeal to his visual triggers as much as possible.

  30. @ David: some basics to start with…

    You are all mine (whispered in the ear while penetrating)
    I love it when you spread open for me
    Turn around, I need that sweet ass
    You’re making my cock so hard right now
    Let me feel that sweet pussy (as you start to finger)

  31. Thank you, Wendy. Those are good, and I use the second one a lot already.

  32. I also want examples of things I can get my wife to say.

  33. @ David – google ‘dirty talk examples’….there are lists of examples to read through – much more than we could come up with here.

  34. OK, I did that. Not bad, but some sound a bit wooden.

  35. I like the approach that girl4 described. That’s what we are working toward, although it’s very difficult if you aren’t used to it. Starting with texting or email helps, I think, if you find it hard to say those kinds of things.

  36. The important thing to remember also is as you are adding new things it is important for each of you to let one another know what is working and what isn’t. If I say something to my husband or do something new and he shows me no outward response nor tells me he liked it, I figure it was a fail and will not do it again. If he does or says something new I make sure to respond to it on the spot so that he knows how much I liked it and he will know to keep it in the repertoire. The first time he said to me ‘that’s my good girl’ I melted. He uses it often in and out of the bedroom.

    I have also found it is easier to text things to him, I tend to be able to get much more descriptive and adventurous in what I say to him about what I’d like to do. There are some things that I am now more comfortable saying now that I’ve texted them to him a few times. I guess it just breaks the ice for me. Recently he told me he’d like to hear me say ‘more’ while in the bedroom. It felt phony, so I’m trying to work it into texts with him so that it will come easier for me to say in the moment and be genuine.

  37. @ Ben

    I think you’d be surprised what you could get away with. It sounds like some of the tamer stuff has been well-received so I’m going to make a suggestion. Rather that something like “you’re such a filthy slut”, try “you’re MY wanton slut”. This is claiming her, implies that she is not a common slut but YOUR slut, and that she is free to be wild with you (“wanton”, rather than “filthy”). You could always discuss it beforehand – I don’t think that spoils the effect any but others may feel differently.

  38. some guy says:

    @ all the how-to-start-dirty-talk posters
    The easiest way for a dirty-talk-inhibited person to get started is simply describe what is being done or what is about to be done.

  39. Jacquie, I tell my wife “good girl” a lot.

  40. Flipper says:
  41. @CL:

    Thanks for the input. “Slut” may be a little extreme– she’s pretty sensitive to anything that comes across as misogynistic, which is understandable enough when you think about what the word actually means in common usage– but the “my” suggestion is a good one that I’m going to try to use a little more.

  42. @ Ben

    By all means, adjust for the intended audient. Even something simple when she does something that pleases you, like, “Ah, that my woman!”

  43. Angeline says:

    I especially like the suggestion of adding “my” to the mix. The claiming aspect has always been a trigger for me, and adding “my” takes the negative porno connotations away and trumpets the message that you love it when she’s YOUR slutty wife. There are still enough messages given to women that we shouldn’t talk like truckers that it’s very hard to switch and start saying words that make us cringe. What if we made you cringe? is the fear.

    You can make “wife” naughty if you’re pounding away at the time. You could also ask her things in an aggressive, forceful manner during sex, demand that she tell you what you want to hear, and you get two things that might just drive you both wild – dominating her, and by ordering her to say “X” she has permission to say words she’d choke and stumble over if she tried to just come out with them. Tell her she doesn’t get to come until she says them (she might tumble over the edge just from you saying that, but that might be fun too).

  44. ” You could also ask her things in an aggressive, forceful manner during sex, demand that she tell you what you want to hear, and you get two things that might just drive you both wild – dominating her, and by ordering her to say “X” she has permission to say words she’d choke and stumble over if she tried to just come out with them. Tell her she doesn’t get to come until she says them (she might tumble over the edge just from you saying that, but that might be fun too).”

    Interesting point. We’ve talked about this some, I’ve told her I like when she talks dirty and she says she likes the idea, but during the actual down-and-dirty part of the proceedings she tends to be a little too preoccupied with the hot sex to form words in coherent sentences. (Which might just be girl code for “I don’t actually want to do that, but I’m going to say so in a way that strokes your ego.” Works for me either way: my ego’s my second-most-favorite part of me to get stroked.)

    I’ve shied away from just telling her what to say during because my first instinct is to tell her to say something about how good it feels, which I’m afraid might come across as a bit needy / insecure, like I need to be reminded that I’m doing a good job. But there are probably ways to get around that. Worth some thought.

  45. Dirty wife says:

    Dave, it sounds like you just need a list. If we each contribute 5 things, you’ll have a great start. Wendy got it. She’s done. ;)

    Here’s mine, what I say to my husband (thamks, Athol, for the coaching!)

    Can’t wait to feel your cock inside me
    God, you’re so hard!
    Fuck me harder
    Oh yeah, just like that!
    Pound me, baby!
    I wanna feel you explode

  46. Angeline says:

    Ben, I tend to not really make sense or form whole words either, but he keeps insisting anyway, and if it comes out nonsensical, he gets a kick out of that, too. But I’ve done what he ordered. The gift of submitting with your whole being is very profound for both parties. The gift of a dominant leader is beyond price. It’s especially good for someone shy, because it gives you a safe place to try to step out of the shyness AND please him at the same time. It’s a step beyond telling her what to say during sex, to tell her ahead of time, “you’re going to do X or say Y with me, because I want you to feel free to be my naughty sexy wife when we’re playing. I know it’s uncomfortable for you, but you pushing past that for me is very hot. Taking you out of that safe little box *is* going to happen.” All of those phrases were used to me, as well as “I’m a patient man” said with a very predatory, wicked grin. It all added up to an insistence on opening up, a dominant, ‘masterful’ leading me, and a very edgy/sexy/risk-taking adventure, *with him*. There is honestly a lot to be learned from the Dom/sub culture on this.

  47. Angeline says:

    OK here’s 5 things. I intentionally avoided that while saying you can make “wife” naughty if you approach it with the necessary sense of fun and perv. Make it your own. Otherwise it can come off as ‘scripty’.
    These have a large dose of dom/sub, so you might wanna feel that out some first before breaking out with them in the middle of sex. Then again, sometimes that’s a way to introduce the concept, and see how it flies in the heat of passion.
    1. “I own you, woman!” (This one works best when in the throes of orgasm, because at that moment, he really *does* own me)
    2. “Who’s your master?” (There has to be some kind of recognizable response, or there’s a sharp swat on the ass)
    3. Non-verbal – I’m told to touch myself in some specific way.
    4. Non-verbal – I’m told to bend over the bed or whatever’s handy, and I don’t know if it will be a spanking or him making me orgasm with his hand, or some combination.
    5. “Tell me you love your master.”

    I would caution against dabbling in the dom/sub arena without doing some reading up on it, especially the concept of ‘aftercare’. You simply can not roll over and go to sleep after that kind of intensity without bringing her back down, as it were. The connection and trust can be vastly expanded, and the emotional outpouring can be huge. I once completely melted down into tears over the fact that I was worried about his safety at work and the risks he takes (he has a dangerous job) which had been completely subverted. He was enormously touched, I got a big dark, scary secret out of my head, and it was a lovely, loving, close event. Being prepared for that kind of outpouring is the job of the master. Most of the time, it isn’t a big, emotional schmear, it’s just some guddling and stroking and we sleep. But don’t go into it blind.

  48. @Angeline:

    Ha ha, now you’re getting a bit more extreme than *I* want to go, but it’s still really interesting to hear a different perspective on the whole thing. It sounds like you’ve found something that really works for the two of you.

  49. I’ll just throw in a vote for the use of the word “My”” I absolutely melt when my husband says “that’s my woman” “my girl” “my hot sexy wife”….

  50. Christy says:

    Ditto Angeline

  51. Angeline says:

    @Ben – “extreme” … lolz. I got your comments mixed up with Mr. Collard’s, and thought your wife was reading spanking sites, which go well beyond the things I was saying, sorry for the mixup. But walling off those fairly mild ideas as extreme really limits your options. Even if you just have the mindset, you’ll likely approach that whole madonna/whore divide that may still be lurking, in a different way. I think men have been so vilified for their sexual urges they don’t feel safe even having them, much less expressing them. And surprise, their wives have them too, and feel just as stifled by the requirement that all married sex be ‘making love’, with rainbows and deep, loving gazes into the other’s eyes. Good gravy, have some fun with it.

Speak Your Mind