Why Does Struggling To Make A Baby Sex Suck So Much?

Reader:  Just a thought for a potential blog post topic.

Making a baby the old fashioned way, by that I mean getting smashed and going at it like savages, is fun.

Making a baby because your wife is ovulating and the fertility clinic has pumped her full of hormones, not fun.

Been there, done that.  I’m assuming a variety of your readers have been in this situation.  Across the board, all of my male friends refer to “Pro-creation sex” as the most un-stimulating experience out there.  The intimacy and man/woman roles are somehow missing along with the satisfaction.

Maybe you could help explain why and how to attempt to make it hot?

Just throwin’ it out there.

Athol:  The issue is that it isn’t hot because it’s basically shouting that the person you’re having sex with is a poor choice of baby making due to the low fertility. Resulting babies are also more likely to be poorly fertile as well. Thus the entire display is extremely unsexy. Just having the thought in your head going around and around that “it’s hard to get her pregnant” is a mood killer in the extreme. If she was a one night stand you were never going to see again, your Body Agenda doesn’t worry about it. But if she’s your bonded partner and you’re going to spend time, effort and resources on the kid, you start getting as picky as a woman does about the genetic material being supplied from your sex partner.

When you’re doing it the old fashioned way and she’s highly fertile, it’s amazing because she’s such a great vagina to pour your semen into. Her babies are more likely to be good baby makers too. Very sexy indeed. Oh wow making babies sex with Jennifer was amazingly amazing.

Anyway, there’s no easy way to reverse it and make it hot when your Body Agenda hates the idea of it. Though if you ask around there are many stories of “We gave up trying to make it happen and just went on vacation and it happened!”

My suggestion would be plan ahead to plot when her ovulation should be, and plan for a night of sex then in a novel environment. Like a hotel room. Then separate for a few days beforehand. Someone go live somewhere else. Meet in the hotel room. Hopefully the damming up the seed turns into need and it all happens with more excitement. The separation creates a little added sperm competition boosting to the male as well. Also you can get away on a vacation and change the scenery a little.

Mostly though, don’t let her get away with being horribly unsexy as an approach. Her coming to you with a thermometer in hand, wearing sweatpants and demanding to be impregnated now, isn’t a sexual come on. Her bullying you into sex isn’t a turn on either. Tell her to go make herself look nice, wear something sexy, make it appear like she is trying to attract you. Otherwise you may as well be jerking off into a specimen cup and handing it to her.

And not for nothing, when women ovulate they tend to like a far more Alpha approach in the bedroom. Giving  her entire control of the sex that night isn’t going to make for good sex and likely decreases her chances of actually getting pregnant. Pull her hair a little and tap that ass well enough to make her not care if she actually got pregnant or not. Leave her stumbling incoherently out of bed for one ice pack, two Aleve and three pages in her diary.

Comments

  1. pdwalker says:

    Your way with words continues to improve.

  2. This is great. “Leave her stumbling incoherently out of bed for one ice pack, two Aleve and three pages in her diary.”

  3. Flipper says:

    He finally got around to it but that was my thought as well. Bang her like a screen door. Change positions, tell her to talk dirty (big thread on that a few days ago), use the opportunity to explore some stuff, tie her up with a scarf, have her wear sexy glasses and do some role playing. Give each other oral, use a vibrator. Buy a liberator wedge pillow, they are nice. Make it fun.

  4. Been there, done that, put it into the “let us never speak of it again” box. My husband makes faces and shudders at the memories.

  5. A few years ago, one of my closest friends was trying for a baby with her husband. It was one of those things that happened once they sort of gave up and started to have sex for funsies again. Y’know, like civilised people. ;)

    She admitted recently, while drunk, that she had, on more than one occasion during the frantic baby making phase, sent her husbands texts at work about baby making. That might have been nice, but she would write things like “My vaginal mucus is like egg whites today. Wear loose underwear so we can have satisfactory intercourse.” Sexaaaay. Or she’d text him when she got her period. Really sexaaaay.

    We laughed about it, but it was a good indicator of why sex when you’re desperately trying to procreate sucks donkey balls. (That sounds really wrong, but it also gets my point accross.)

  6. anonymouse says:

    There’s a reason why a lot of couples who start the adoption process end up getting pregnant before the adoption is finalized… they stop trying to make a baby, and start having sex for the fun of it again. When you’re actively trying, you’re thinking too hard, trying to time everything just right, paying too close attention to one set of fertility symptoms while ignoring others…. and it turns it into something clinical.

    I track my cycles because I like knowing what my body is up to, and it helps me figure out when I’m due, which is way off of the usual calculations. It also helps me to hide from hubs when I’m fertile, or have him… finish elsewhere if necessary.

    I’ll say this much though…. conception sex is always the BEST SEX EVER, and it was always the best when I didn’t know I was fertile ;)

  7. When the wife and I got married, we were having sex 4 or 5 days a week. As soon as her maternity insurance kicked in, it turned to every single day, with often a lunchtime rendezvous! I never felt more Alpha then when I knew my wife wanted EVERYTHING I could give as a husband and sex partner. No fears, no worries – she just wanted it all! Being a great husband, I naturally gave it to her! Maybe the issue is not that babymaking sex is not fun, but more that in today’s world, we are SO focused on preventing pregnancy that there is some seed of angst inside still?
    Just a thought!

  8. I’d like to say first up that self awareness and control of one’s mind and motivation is so important to success and enjoying life. I apply this to the conception sex issue.

    I think making a baby with the great love of one’s life would be just so magic and also sooo romantic. It should be soooo easy you’d think. I’d probably build on the notion that ovulation sex is the best ever and also on the dream of having a baby looking just like the great love of my life (he’s my totally perfect hero). I’d be organising a wonderful romantic setting and sending romantic text messages (or overtly lustful ones). Then we’d enjoy a little mutual fantasy about the wonderful family we would have. I would love to have a bondng memory of how we created our wonderful children.

    However, getting a relunctant male to participate is soul destroying….

    SO…building on my experience, I’d recommend making sure you know when you are fertile – you should feel much more like sex then and the sex should be fabulous. Then I would take out the stress and reframe the occasion and treat it as something romantic, wonderful and totally special. I’d also not mandate intercourse or even participation – just start and see how things go.

    I’ve found if a man is attracted to me and healthy, its so easy to instigate sex, so in normal circumstances I’d think one could just not tell the husband and greet him wearing lingerie etc.

    If after some tries at motivating the other party you don’t get participation and expecially if sex is poor at other times, examine your relationship (yes I hear what other people are saying, sex is fine except when they have too – but in some cases like mine the relationship is the issue). Maybe the other party hates sex – well think of a way to get the genetic material together without sex. Maybe they hate you or don’t want a baby with you – then it’s time to consider your options before your fertility runs out. Set deadlines to work things out and escalate action. Don’t wait too long and then realise you had no chance of success, as in my case.

    Good luck and please enjoy yourselves! C:-)

    PS – there are lots of ideas out there on how to get a man interested in sex. I learned them too late – I’d suggest actively looking for new ideas and also finding out what triggers your husband’s interest!

  9. Women need to learn the art of ‘mystery’ again. It always surprises me when I am told or learn of a woman blurting out all the nitty gritty info about ovulation, cervical mucus and periods to her husband – I have always taken it for granted that my husband does not want to know such intimate (and un-sexy) details. ( a topic for Girl Game perhaps? What not to do.)
    When we were trying for our babies, I deliberately did not tell my husband when I was ovulating. All he knew was that I wanted to have sex that night among several other nights. He still does not believe I had things planned quite precisely and yet he was unaware.
    I’m sure when women have difficulty conceiving its adds a great deal of pressure. I’m not sure why they think passing that pressure onto him too is a good idea.

  10. whatmeworry says:

    Nature wants us to have babies from ~16-24. Our changing socioeconomic forces have increased the rates of Downs, (probably) Autism and related issues as well as fattening the wallets of ‘Fertility’ clinics (and as an aside NICUs).

  11. There’s also the element that it’s like making yourselves into breeding stock – what fun! Maybe this is more common than it used to be due to advanced maternal age (i.e. over 30 for a first child is common now) and women having careers and organising their lives around that, as well as a general decline in fertility (men have lower sperm counts than they used to for a variety of reasons). It seems that so much of what used to come naturally to people has been lost, like silly classes to ‘teach’ women how to breath while in labour – LOL! ::facepalm::

    I don’t know; I never did the “trying for a baby” thing but simply stopped trying to avoid it and was pregnant within weeks both times we’d decided to “not avoid, not try” (one at 30, one at almost 33). It’s probably another point in favour of women not waiting so long to have babies, because many have trouble conceiving for the first time even in their late-20s (not so much if she’s already borne children by then). An older woman desperate to get pregnant makes it into a chore and makes it less likely to happen, then you get the vicious cycle of stressing over it. The stress only makes conception less likely (no doubt it’s an evolutionary defence).

    On the keeping track of the cycle thing, it might be better for the wife to chuck that too, since she is stressing herself out with that. When she’s most fertile, unless there’s something wrong with her, she’s going to want to get fucked and won’t come to him clutching a thermometer demanding to be impregnated.

  12. anonymouse says:

    Candice, it doesn’t sound like the male in this situation is unwilling. The issue seems like all the joy has been taken out of it.

    Trying for a baby, and failing month after month, leads to a lot of disappointment, and over time, can lead a woman (or man), to wonder why they bother trying when the sex isn’t producing the results they want. It’s a mental game at that point. I would bet the hamster plays heavily there after a while, but I’m not feeling well enough today to expound on that… Sex becomes a means to an end, rather than an act to be shared for mutual enjoyment and fulfillment.

  13. the sex isn’t producing the results they want

    Life doesn’t work on our schedule. Let go of the self-direction and let life come to you, rather than trying to fit everything into neat appointments in a day book. Scheduling something as deep as bringing new life into the world is the inevitable result of a culture that has lost its soul and a people that has become accustomed to instant gratification.

    A woman who is controlling this attempted baby making sex (it’s only actual baby making sex if a baby is made) is acting like a succubus, acquiring/taking rather than receiving.

  14. anonymouse says:

    Exactly, CL.

    It’s unfortunate that so many families struggle with achieving pregnancy when they are trying so hard and want it so bad, while other people are getting pregnant without hardly trying, and then killing the baby because it’s an inconvenience to them. It takes it’s toll mentally. I think most couples would do better if they stopped trying to force it to happen, made sure their health was in order, and just let nature run it’s course, either way. If it happens, it happens. If not, find something else constructive to do, or start the adoption process.

  15. For me, baby making sex was some of the best ever. No contraception for a start, and things may have been different if we struggled to conceive, but we put no pressure on and just went for it. In fact we both still talk about our 2nd childs conception. Afterwards we both looked at each other and went, yup that’s a baby

  16. Ahh the FOC (fuck on command) sex.

    My wife and I were lucky, conception for both of our children was super easy – in fact with the 2nd baby I think all I did was sneeze next to her and she got pregnant.

    We have had a lot of friends who have had trouble conceiving; one friend in particular who has echo’ed exactly what the reader said, he feels like it’s a job now and that there are all sorts of pressures on getting her pregnant.

    I have no personal experience, but this is what him and his wife have done.

    They make concerted efforts for it to be fun.

    They use toys. They make a “date” out of it. They do it in different spots in the house. They do different things sexually etc…

    In the end I think it is always in the back of your head what you are doing the sex for, but I think figuratively speaking, keeping things loose and fun is the way to go.

  17. Going through this myself right now….ugh it’s TOUGH! To the people who just wham bam baby – you’re very lucky. After a year of no birth control but not actively trying, we’re now being worked up for some various minor issues that might be contributing. I wish we would have been more diligent in the begining and not lost the whole year…. We want a large family and I’m starting to feel the time crunch. And that time pressure certainly takes it’s toll on our sex life because I no longer feel that I can have sex “whenever I want” as we attempt to refrain the day prior to ovulation so that we have better odds day off. It’s hard to be enthusiastic sometimes wehn you’re DEAD tired!

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