Do What Was Working To Attract Her Back In The Day

I’m getting to be a weird age.

My sister messaged me last night just as I was about to fall asleep… “Did you know Justin Duckworth?”

Did you know. Past tense. Another one bites the dust. Justin was always a crazy fun guy and a natural focus for whatever was happening. Only a year or two ahead of me and while I wouldn’t say we were close, we certainly knew each other and ran in similar Youth For Christ circles for a while back in university days. Very bright. Trademark bare feet.

I messaged her back that yes indeed I knew him. It’s been nearly twenty years since I saw him last, but I was saddened.

Thanks to the time difference between here and New Zealand, this morning when I woke up I had no reply from her. Oh a whim I Googled him to see if I could find out anything more.

Oh. My. God.

He didn’t die… they just made him Bishop.

Obviously we no longer believe the same things, but I’m actually very pleased for him. He was extremely unbishopy back in the day, and by general agreement was chosen to be Bishop because of his lack of being bishopy. He appears to have bare feet in his ordination photos and the silly bishop hat looks somewhat out of place on top of dreadlocks. But he looks happy, so I’m happy for him. I think he’ll be great in his position too.

But it’s also kind of funny seeing one of us arrive at a position of importance too. We were all young once and now we have these jobs and lives involving kids in high school. Somehow we got to be middle aged. Somehow we went from me being age 21 and meeting an age 18 Jennifer for the first time… she wore a blue and white dress… to getting married at 24 and 22… and now we’re 42 and 39. It’s been a very long time.

Neither one of us has changed, we’re still the same Athol and same Jennifer we always were. I’m tall, she’s short. I’m smart and funny, she giggles and is very sweet tempered. We’re both introverts. We both care a great deal about doing the right thing and that other people are helped. We really haven’t changed a bit… except that we’ve done two decades of activities and learned stuff along the way, we’ve taken on some responsibilities too. We became parents and homeowners, we had careers. We traveled a few places too.

So while we are exactly the same as we’ve always been, a lot of the content of our lives has changed. I’ve mentioned a few times before on the blog that once upon a time my faith was extremely important to me, and I was very seriously considering the road toward becoming a minster. I’ve always liked helping people, I love teaching, I always loved making people think about how to live. I’m acutely aware how pastoral in nature MMSL is, it’s just not religiously based. If you shut your eyes for a minute, can’t you hear me all but preaching the gospel of the Red Pill?

I’m still the same person, just the content of my life has changed.

So let’s talk about you now.

One of the things I did in yesterday’s post was encourage you to do the same things that you originally did to attract your wife to you. One of the comments was to the effect of “well I was in a grunge band, that really did work to attract her back them, but I can’t do that now, and I don’t know if it would even work if I did it anyway.”

I hear you. But what if the content of your life was “being in a grunge band”, but what you were about was simply “music”?

Do you still go to concerts? Do you still practice your instrument? Do you still get excited about various bands releasing new albums? You may not play grunge anymore, but maybe you could be forming a group and playing something, somewhere, sometime. Maybe you can record your own music and put it on Amazon, or have a blog and have it downloadable or whatever. Maybe you can teach music lessons. It may not matter what you do around music one little bit, you just need to be doing something passionate in your life to energize and engage you. Maybe it wasn’t being in a grunge band that did it for her. Maybe it was the way you looked so vibrant when you were playing that did it for her. Maybe when the music died, you died a little too.

It’s the same with sports. If you’re 42 you can’t re-live the glory days of that one perfect touchdown forever. You can however stay in shape. You can throw a football around with the kids. You can get excited and follow a team. You can coach little league. You can play in a masters soccer league. You can switch sports and learn golf. Hell even a bowling league is better than sitting at home every day and gaining ten pounds every year since you graduated high school.

My father was a racer. He raced cars before I was born and a little after, then he raced yachts when I was a kid, then he raced go-karts after I had moved out. We watched tons of Formula 1 together. We went to speedway dozens of times. When he visited us and it synced up with the NASCAR schedule, we drove three-and-a-half hours up to New Hampshire to watch the race. He ended up building a full International level go-kart track just outside of Rotorua. Dad’s interest in racing never changed, just the content of what he was racing.

My hunch is that whatever it was that you were doing when you meet your wife was, it wasn’t boring. You were doing something you found interesting and fun. But you were doing something that you were naturally interested in and basically good at. So you can be the same person you always were, just change the content for something that can work now. That’s how barefoot and quirky Justin can grow up and become a Bishop. That’s how I met Jennifer by being a guest preacher and here I am all grown up writing MMSL. So find whatever it is that you’re passionate about and don’t let it die.

Oh and if all you were doing to attract your wife when you were young was attending drunken frat parties… the middle-aged equivalent is called a wine tasting.

Use Your Strong Suit, Cover Your Weaknesses

I got an email from a guy worried that every time he tried to turn his Game on, he just couldn’t pull off being a James Bond 007 type. It always turned into something like Austin Powers.

Well…..

That’s not actually a problem. I mean I don’t go around trying to pull off a James Bond vibe either, it simply wouldn’t seem right for me. I would feel weird doing it and it would come across as try hard stupid. In fact my “Goofy and Groping” approach is I guess fairly similar to Austin Powers in tone.

Look you can’t be every single type of guy that’s attractive to women. You can’t be High-Powered-Career-Guy and All-Star-Sports-Guy and Creative-Genius-Funny-Guy and Perfect-Father-Around-The- House-Guy and Almost-Like-Jesus-Church-Guy and Rough-Tough-Bad-Boy-Guy and so on and so on and so on. There’s simply not enough time in your day for anyone to learn all that. You don’t likely even have good genetics for some of them either. I could wind the clock back thirty years and try my hardest and I wouldn’t be able to turn pro at any sport.

All those types of guys are attractive to women, no question. But usually one of those types works better for attracting your wife than the others do. Being that sort of guy was very likely what you were doing when you met your wife and got her to marry you. So you keep doing what you’re good at – what you’re best at – but you also cover yourself by getting down the basics of the other types.

So if you’re the Perfect-Father-Around-The-House-Guy, you keep doing that stuff like normal, but you also make sure you have a decent income, that you have some basic fitness, that you’re not being a dumbass, that you have a basic moral code and are trustworthy, that you can stand your ground with her. You work your strengths and cover your weaknesses.

If your wife is into you because you’re All-Star-Sports-Guy, she’s going to stay turned on by you as long as you keep your body together. Being an average father and help around the house isn’t going to be a positive or a negative. Turning into Superfatherlaundryman isn’t going to turn her on, but doing absolutely nothing around the house and kids will make her lose interest and relationship comfort with you and turn her off.

For me, I’m… surprise surprise… Creative-Genius-Funny-Guy. The good news is that’s the type of guy Jennifer is into. Beyond a certain baseline income, crazy more money isn’t going to make Jennifer want me any more. Beyond a certain baseline physical fitness, crazy more fitness isn’t going to make Jennifer want me any more. Same with acting tough and helping around the house. Some is good, lots more is much the same effect as “some”. What works for me to attract Jennifer is writing MMSL and making her laugh a lot. She also likes having her ass and boobs groped at by me. Thus “Goofy and Groping”.

So find your strong suit, keep it strong, and cover your weaknesses.

Jennifer:  He has me pegged lol.

Money and Dating Standards for Men and Women

From Yahoo News…

Overall, 75 percent of women said they would be unlikely to date an unemployed man, with 33 percent saying no outright. Another 42 percent of women answered maybe when asked about the possibility of dating an unemployed man. That answer, however, came with the stipulation that those women would not want to spend a lot of time in the relationship if the man did not have a plan in place. Just 21 percent of women said they would date an unemployed man.

On the other hand, the prospect of dating an unemployed woman was not a problem for nearly two-thirds of men. In fact, 19 percent of men said they had no reservations and 46 percent of men said they were positive they would date an unemployed woman.

And now a translation into plain English…

Overall, 75 percent of women said the chances of them dating an unemployed man ranged from “slim” to “none”, with 33 percent of the women bursting into open laughter at the question. The other 42 percent of women asked for clarification of what exactly the questioner meant by “dating”, when asked about the possibility of dating an unemployed man. Their follow up answer in the affirmative however came with the stipulation that those women would only consider it if the guy was “really hot looking” and he was never to call their cell phones directly. Just 21 percent of women said they would date an unemployed man, but he had to have food at his apartment.

On the other hand, the prospect of dating an unemployed woman was not a problem for nearly two-thirds of men. In fact, 19 percent of men said they were totally desperate for any form of sexual contact and 46 percent of men said that when they were answering the questionnaire they had a chubby.

It all seems pretty black and white as to how the sexes approach the Sexual Marketplace doesn’t it. Money matters, guys. If you have a way to make more of it, more is typically better than less.

Plus if you’re getting into a dating situation with any hope of turning it into a LTR or marriage, you may want to go the SAHM route eventually. But she should at least have some sort of a job now. I mean if she was good enough to hook up with when she had no income, you pretty much set the precedent that you’re cool with pulling money out of your pocket for the remainder of the relationship.

When To Reveal MMSL

It’s been an odd day. I got asked three different ways when was the right time to pull back the curtain and reveal to your wife that you’d been reading MMSL.

Anyway, it’s fairly simple. If her Sex Rank is higher than yours and you’re in Phase One of the MAP, I would completely zip it on the MMSL front and even actively seek to hide it from her. Just run the MAP and don’t talk about it. She already thinks somewhat poorly of you and revealing that you “need help with women”, just gives her hamster ammunition to frame you as a loser.

If your Sex Rank is higher than hers and you’re in Phase Three, then it’s basically up to you if you reveal or not. At this point it’s working for you and she might be mildly taken aback by the fact that you had outside help, but the fact that it actually is working will carry the day.

Somewhere between those two points it stops being a bad idea to tell her and starts being a mildly okay idea to do so.

However if she starts acting increasingly anxious and nervous because you’ve successfully become obviously more attractive than her, she may just be freaking out that you’re going to dump her, cheat on her, or already be cheating on her. In which case the reveal may in fact be a massive relief to her. “Look honey I’ve been following this plan, and the plan says to hold the moral high ground as you do it, and that’s what I’ve done.”

Essentially once you reveal MMSL and the MAP, you’ve pushed it to a de facto Phase Four. You’re stating your intentions fairly clearly that you want a proper sexual relationship in the marriage, or you are preparing to walk on her. So it is important to have your Sex Rank higher than hers when you do that. The golden rule being to never force an ultimatum on your wife when she’s hotter than you.

The only other reason to reveal MMSL is when you use it as a last ditch buying for time gambit. I.e. she’s about to punt you out of the house in the next five minutes because you are failing badly on the attraction front. This is where you can say, “Okay, okay I get it now. I’ve found this book, I’ve figured out what I have to do, I have this clear easy plan to follow, please just give me 3-6 months to prove that I can turn myself around. I’m not going to talk about doing this, I’m just going to do it.” If you’re at that point, you really have nothing else to lose, so maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t.

Jennifer:  I’ve often been asked if me knowing about Athol using Game makes it less effective. I don’t think it does.  I don’t see it as manipulation as much as I see it as motivation…it’s not a bad thing for me if he knows what makes me attracted to him and he does those things.  Sometimes he does something obvious and almost jokingly, and I just laugh at him (in an affectionate way, not in a derisive way!).  Sometimes I just tell him I need an Alpha Male for a moment lol. 

If She Can’t Act Appropriately In Public…

Reader:  “When women tell you to Man Up, what they think they are saying to you, is for you to “Be a winner.” But because they feel they have to say that to you, they’ve already decided that you are a loser.”

Yeah, ran into this a little over a month ago, maybe you can tell me how i should have handled it. Was a friends birthday party, and i was there with my at the time FWB. So he pulled out the hardcore Portuguese spirits and started pouring shots. It was nasty stuff. When i pounded it back, i thought i swallowed acid and im sure my face showed it, along with the groan.   FWB turns to me and says ‘Really? You should buck up and take it like a man. You don’t hear us complaining when we have to swallow!’ (obvious sex ref)

I had no comeback. I just took the next shot and pounded it back and didn’t even flinch, as nasty as it was. I just looked her dead in the eye and said, ‘That’s how good European girls do it’. But i already knew the shit test was lost. On top of that i took myself to about 1 drink away from throwing up, something i haven’t done since my teens. So i fell into the trap of ‘manning up’ against my better judgement and health risk involved.   If anyone knows a good way that should have been handled.. I’m all ears!

Athol:  A Friend With Benefits who isn’t acting like a friend, effectively demotes herself to being a rental vagina.  So what you should do is say you’re not going to jump through hoops she’s setting, just because she’s being a bitch.

Unfortunately though, she has majorly upped the ante by doing this in public, trying to shame you into doing something you clearly didn’t want to do, so you can’t just have a private word about this. You can’t ask her to step outside to address things, because if you do that, you’re telegraphing to the entire group that you’re too weak to handle her publicly. She just going to smirk and very loudly call you out again, attracting even more attention to it. So whatever you do, needs to happen right then.

Personally I don’t have any interest in being with anyone goading me into doing something like that, so that would in and of itself make me start losing interest in me being with them. I would give them the thanks for playing two second speech and tell them to find their own ride home. Basically if she can’t behave like she’s part of a couple in public, she can’t be part of a couple in public.

I know that sounds drastic, but in a dating situation if she’s pulling public stunts to try and embarrass you, you’re already on the way out of the relationship. So by acting like you’re completely prepared to walk away from her, you beat her to the punch and force her to reassess the situation quickly and maybe her hamster finds you suddenly more attractive. Even then the whole thing is probably just scorched earth anyway as far as this girl is concerned, you just want the story about the incident being that you unflinchingly dumped her rather than you almost tossed your cookies trying to impress her.

And besides, if when she swallows it burns going down like a shot of 100 proof something, she’s really got to stop blowing infected guys.

P.S. Of course it it’s a guy goading you into trying to do something foolishly stupid, you just say “Go right ahead, once you’re injured / dead / jailed / unconscious, I’ll make sure your girlfriend / wife is properly looked after.” Then you smile happily and encourage them to do it.

Man Up vs The MAP

The basic rule of thumb is that any time someone is telling you to “Man up!”, they are trying to get you to do something not in your best interest, by shaming you into doing it. The actual threat that powers the shame, is the implication that if you don’t comply with demand against your best interest, you will no longer be viewed by women as a male worthy of sexual interest. Which to your Body Agenda means it’s actually is in your best interest, even if whatever it is, is clearly hazardous to your long term survival. Typically whatever the Man Up demands are related to, are something very foolish, impossible or even dangerous / fatal.

Having said that, there is a blurry area between being told to Man Up, and what I am suggesting husbands do in running the MAP. You can be told to Man Up and earn more money as a Fitness Test just the same as I can suggest increasing your income makes you more attractive to women. You can be told to Man Up by your wife and not let your boss walk all over you as a Fitness Test, just the same as I can say add more Alpha into your overall demeanor and you should see some changes at work too. You can be yelled at to be a man around the children, just the same as I can say being a good father is a draw to female interest.

The difference being that I am telling you to do things that are in your best interest in and of themselves, with the happy side effect of gaining sexual access to the woman you want, rather than trying to take advantage of you, based on the threat of removal of that sexual access.

It’s a bit of a paradox come quagmire. Women want to be with the best men they can be with, aka the winners. Thus you have to learn the game being played, and play to win. Your true opponents in the Sexual Marketplace aren’t women, it’s other men. The top of the heap guys will always get pussy, the bottom of the heap guys will never get pussy. That’s the way it is. That’s the way it always was, and I’m pretty sure it’s the way it’s going to be.

Have you noticed that no one ever calls a woman a loser? That’s because she can’t actually lose. Oh sure she can have a really unfun time of things, but push comes to shove, any woman can find a man to have sex with and get pregnant to with minimal effort. Just go to a bar and hang around to closing time. I’m not saying he’s going to be the greatest guy in the world, but you can always find someone to do the deed to help propel your genes into the future generations.

Men on the other hand. Men have to win. Thankfully it’s a big society and there’s lots of ways to be a winner, but ultimately if you’re a guy, you have to find some way to be a winner to get someone interested in you sexually.

When women tell you to Man Up, what they think they are saying to you, is for you to “Be a winner.” But because they feel they have to say that to you, they’ve already decided that you are a loser. Even if you comply with it, you’re doing what she says and submitting to her, thus failing a Fitness Test, which means you’re still in her loser catagory anyway.

So my advice is to evaluate the whole Man Up situation very carefully rather than knee-jerking into puffing up and doing something foolish or dangerous to save face. Figure out what it is that will make you a better man in general, find what it is that you can be a winner at and set your course in that direction. The women will eventually come around.

What Happens In Vegas Eats Away At Your Marriage Like A Cancer

Reader:  Athol, I have a question about separate vacations. From what I have googled up they seem like a bad idea unless totally for a guys/girls only trip that is going to some place or doing something that is of no interest to the spouse; even in those cases views seem mixed.

My wife’s queen bee friend talked a bunch of single and married friends into a five day trip flying to a major city. I expressed my extreme displeasure with this since they are doing tons of stuff I would love to do there with her.

I have decided to treat this as a shit test and am agreeing and amplifying now that I have failed to talk her out of it (they scheduled it pretty quickly without much more than a couple of mentions).  I told her I am great now with separate vacations (very enthusiastic). I have also talked with the other husbands and we are planning a similar trip like a Caribbean trip.  Her first hearing of this left her scrambling for reasons for me not to go. She even backed off of doing other girls birthday trips where earlier she had alluded.

PS love your site, your advice has helped my marriage a ton. Other than this incident my marriage has vastly improved and we are both happy.

Athol: Ah the dreaded girls gone wild vacation plan. It’s a double bind in that if you passively sit by and say “Have fun honey!” you’re utterly defenseless to her cheating on you. But if you complain about it and ask her not to go, you’re a controlling jerk. So it’s lose-lose.

Look let’s be serious, the catch phrase these days is no longer “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, it’s “What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas.” If you’re a good girl who just wants to have fun, I’m sorry but the army of whores have taken over and established that trips to the Big Smoke are not to be good girls. That’s why they eviscerate their husbands about being controlling jerks and shame them into sitting quietly at home. If you want to be a very bad girl, it helps to keep the cockblock three states away and to forget to have your phone on.

So yes indeed, it is a major Fitness Test because it creates the perfect situation to cheat on you. This is why your male Body Agenda kicks in and you feel that all purpose skin-crawling-sinking-stomach sensation of utter dread. It’s like your spidey-sense gets tripped on and never ever shuts off again until there is no chance of this frakking trip happening.

So what to do.

I would tell her that it crosses the boundary of what is acceptable in your relationship. Just like kissing someone else crosses the line, or spending a couple thousand dollars without discussing it crosses the line, or being out all night and not answering your phone crosses the line. Or you getting a lap dance at a strip club is crossing the line. Being married comes with boundaries that define the relationship.

See we all have lines where on one side of the line we’re okay with what is happening, and on the other side of the line, we are very much not okay with what is happening. Where those lines lay is different for each couple, but monogamous married couples tend not to ever discuss them. Couples that are swingers, are into BDSM or are polyamorous talk a great deal about this sort of thing. They have conversations like…

“I was totally okay watching you get double penetrated by Mike and Toby, but then you went into a private room with Mike and I dunno, I just felt like I was starting to freak out about not knowing what was happening.”

“Well okay then, I guess if we’re going to keep doing this, we need to stay in the same room.”

“Okay, thanks. I just need to see you when we do this.”

Or like…

“No I liked being spanked like that, but then you called me a ‘little bitch’ and it just kills it for me and I shut down on you.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, this is new.”

“I know, I didn’t mean to cry and be all dramatic. You can call me ‘slut’ or ‘whore’ or something like that, I have no idea why, but ‘bitch’ just sets me off.”

“Well okay then slut.”

Or like…

“I didn’t mind that you had a date with Melanie tonight, I just felt so ignored when you came home.”

“Ignored? What did I do?”

“You barely said hello to me when you came in.”

“But I kissed you and we talked in the kitchen for like ten minutes.”

“I know. Just hold me or something when you come home. Like a few minutes.”

“Oh. Why didn’t you say?”

“Because I feel all crazy sometimes about this, but when you hold me it all goes away after a minute and it feels peaceful and right.”

“Well okay then.”

Or like…

“Hey there’s just something about watching the most important person in my life, leave me at home for five days, while she goes and gets randomly drunk with her single and divorced friends, in a far away city where I have no ability to intervene if something is going wrong, will never get a sense of peace or closure about what really went on and have read dozens of stories on the Internet about other guys getting cheated on in the exact same situation, that just really puts me on edge. I’m trying not to throw up right now.”

“You’re a controlling jerk. Go fuck yourself if you think I’m staying home.”

See?

Anyway, the whole girls gone wild vacation is typically predicated on disrespect and disinterest in the husband. Essentially she’s demanding that you passively watch her construct an entire scenario with a perfect cover for cheating. So even if she does nothing inappropriate, I can’t see how she’s going to respect you as a man after that.

But the more critical issue is that if she goes, she should be under no illusion that things will be the same between you when she comes back. Because like it or not, this is just something you’re going to react very badly about and things will be different. Your Body Agenda is all ramped up that the very worst thing in the world is happening five days in a row, you feel powerless to stop it and your internal relationship boundaries have been utterly disdained by your partner. That isn’t meant to be heard as a threat, just the simple reality that you’re not going to feel the same about her.

What drives you crazy is the implied threat to your oxytocin/vasopressin induced pair bond. There’s only two ways to stop it, either (1) she doesn’t go and the threat to the pair bond is removed, or (2) have the Body Agenda of the husband break off or diminish the strength of the pair bond itself… by which I mean stop loving her so much.

In short, don’t get into an argument about it. Don’t try and rationalize about it, because this isn’t something you have rational control over. I’d just say… “For me that’s crossing a serious line, I’m not going to be okay with that.” Which can’t really be argued against because it’s how you actually feel and will respond.

If she goes anyway after that, I think that’s a fairly clear signal she’s sending you.

 

If You Can’t Stand The Heat, Stay Out Of The Marriage

The meme doing the rounds is “Marriage as Restaurant”. It started as a comment by Dalrock here, was expanded on by Anonymous Reader, Hawaiian Libertarian chimed in, as did the Wild Man Project. They are all worth a read and make a strong metaphor for Marriage 2.0.

Summarizing them all into a single loose thought, Marriage is like having dinner in a rather questionably run restaurant where bad things can happen to men, and you’re potentially better off eating outside the restaurant. As far as it goes, I agree, though I have got to wonder why no one mentioned the possibility of one guy being duped into having to pick up the check for another guy aka paternity fraud. Also I would have added in the possibility of guys ordering filet mignon and being served hamburger, yet forced to pay the full price for the filet mignon. Or simply being told chef didn’t feel like cooking, and to just drink water for the next six months. Or perhaps being very obviously served someone else’s leftovers. Or catching some dreaded disease in there from the lack of basic sanitation when dealing with various “uncooked meats.”

In short, I agree that when marriage goes wrong, it goes very wrong indeed. Which is why the only bolded statement in the Primer says…

Unless you are completely confident in your choice of wife and ability t0 maintain your relationship, I advise you not to get married at all.  (Chapter 29)

…all that being said, there is a serious flaw in the “Marriage as Restaurant” metaphor. Namely, it frames the man as being a fairly passive victim of his fate. It may as well be a “Marriage as Hunger Games” metaphor, or “Marriage as a Razorblade in a Candy Apple at Halloween” metaphor. All that’s left is for the roadrunner to stick out it’s tongue at us and go “beep beep.”

What marriage is really like, is opening a restaurant with a partner. You may hope it turns out awesome, but no one gets a Michelin Star just for opening a restaurant. You earn it.

When you open a restaurant, there’s a lot to think about, because as everyone knows, quite a lot of new restaurants fail. When you start something as major as this with a partner, there’s a serious legal agreement that is entered into, and both partners bring something to the table of value. Typically that’s some combination of brains, beauty, brawn or bucks. Maybe you chef it up in the kitchen and she runs the front, but each partner has a role they need to play and if they don’t play it well, the business could simply go under. If it fails, whatever is left of the mess is divided up, but it’s not usually a net positive for either partner if that happens.

When you open a restaurant, it’s going to be a lot of work. You’re going to have good days and bad days. Someday’s it’s going to be a huge party in there and some days it’s going to seem pretty dead and you’re going to look at each and wonder why you even started a restaurant in the first place. Especially when the economy is rough and running a restaurant is harder than usual. But you keep the food fresh, the restaurant clean, the people smiling and don’t give up making a go of it… because while some restaurants fail, plenty of restaurants do pretty well and you are not without influence.

If someone else’s restaurant makes you jealous, you ask them what they do and copycat what you can. If the restaurant is struggling, blaming the hell out of each other isn’t a solution. You read up on restaurant management. If your restaurant is starting to slide downwards, you don’t just hope for the best, you seek help. If you’re in a crappy location, you pull up sticks and move.

However, you must accept that if the food you’re sending out of the kitchen is crap, the people working out front can’t save the restaurant for you. Plus the wait staff hate delivering crappy food and once they lose faith in you, it’s not long until they throw in the towel. Like it or not, the head chef is the most critical role in the restaurant.

The trouble is most guys get into the chef game like this…

When you really should be thinking about doing it like this…

So yes indeed, who you get into business with is half the battle, but the other half of the battle is you. Worst comes to worst, a top quality chef is always in demand. So keep your knives sharp.

 

 

 

Commenting FYI

I’ve been playing with commenting widgets and as an unexpected result everyone appears to be flagged as a first time commentor to be held for moderation again. I’m still playing with things over the next few days, so other random things may happen to the website.

You Have The Bridge Number One

My eyes are bleeding from researching blog widgets and crap these last three days. I’m fried. Jennifer is very supportive of MMSL, but I’m very much the writer of the two of us. So I threw her some softball questions and took a nap…

Having read and edited every single MMSL post over the last two-and-a-half-years, what have you learned from it all?

That I am a very (very, incredibly) lucky person to be married to Athol!  No, really…we have a very good relationship that has the lovey dovey aspects as well as the realization that a relationship takes effort, communication and time together to make it work.  I have learned about the “dark side” of people cheating on their spouse, or people putting no effort into their sex lives and growing apart.  It’s sad but a part of a lot of people’s lives, and I’m glad they have a place here to ask questions and get feedback and practical advice.  I’ve learned that it feels good to share what works for us and what we’ve learned in our marriage…even if it does cause the occasional uncomfortable conversation at work lol.  (No, coworker lady, I’m not a sex slave.  I’m not having my intimate life and marriage splashed all over the internet against my will.  Really, it’s all good…)

Do you have a favorite post?

Well the pants post is of course legendary.  Being a practical, needs it all spelled out for her kind of a girl, I also in general enjoy the reader email posts that offer the reader’s story, followed by practical advice that really works.  (action, people, not just words!)

What’s it like now Athol is full-time MMSL?

I am not used to saying “my husband is an author” yet when someone asks me what my husband does for a living.  It is pretty exciting but somewhat unnerving at the same time…the whole working for yourself/being your own boss thing is very cool and I’m proud of him, but yeah…it doesn’t come with health insurance or a guaranteed amount in your paycheck every week.  I am totally not complaining…just saying it’s taking some getting used to.  It’s nice to have him based at home rather than commuting for two hours a day, and to have him happier and less stressed because he’s doing something he’s passionate about is fabulous.

Don’t you feel exposed by having your sex life online like this?

It’s funny, I only rarely have that “oh my god, people are reading about our sex life” feeling.  I think it’s mostly because truly, I love you all…but I’m never going to be face to face with 99.999% of you!  If you were all my neighbors opening your windows at night in hopes of spying on some loud, raucous sex that would be different!  Our family and friends know about the blog and the books, but in general it’s all TMI, so they are happy for us but not hanging on every word.  Plus, I have editorial powers so if there’s something that I’m really not comfortable with, Athol will edit things down to something that’s comfortable for me.  It’s all very strange, considering that I started out as a very naive and shy wife, and that I have the “good girl” reputation at work still to this day.

What’s the best thing about MMSL?

There’s the non-selfish best thing…I’m so glad that there’s a place for people to find help in fixing, resuscitating, or enriching their marriages and LTR’s.  I’m glad that Athol’s phone dings all day with emails coming in from people who have questions or are thanking him for writing material that is helping their marriage and lives.  Then there’s the selfish best thing…It’s wonderful to see my husband finally doing what he loves to do full time, getting a charge out of helping people, and getting challenged by the questions and comments.  The interaction with readers really spurs him to think about new, different ways to help people succeed in their relationships.

Do you wish anything was different?

Lol I wish he was a morning writer instead of an evening writer!  He has his best ideas and creative energy in the evenings…so my routine is to fall asleep on the couch half an hour before he’s done writing, wake up and edit his post, then go to bed and screw like wabbits.

What’s next?

More writing, some traveling and speaking, and lots more sex.  (We have a responsibility to uphold here people…)

Athol: Lol I get to postscript Jennifer for a change! I think we’ve both grown into much stronger people. Jennifer is still a sweet natured good girl, but there’s much less tolerance for other peoples nonsense these days. Considering I’ve been writing about not letting yourself get taken advantage of in your marriage for the last two-and-a-half years, I believe I’m doing mind control wrong. Which is ironic as we get the occasional nutcase who thinks Jennifer is in need of serious rescue from my evil clutches. (We only play that game every second Tuesday.)