Do What Was Working To Attract Her Back In The Day

I’m getting to be a weird age.

My sister messaged me last night just as I was about to fall asleep… “Did you know Justin Duckworth?”

Did you know. Past tense. Another one bites the dust. Justin was always a crazy fun guy and a natural focus for whatever was happening. Only a year or two ahead of me and while I wouldn’t say we were close, we certainly knew each other and ran in similar Youth For Christ circles for a while back in university days. Very bright. Trademark bare feet.

I messaged her back that yes indeed I knew him. It’s been nearly twenty years since I saw him last, but I was saddened.

Thanks to the time difference between here and New Zealand, this morning when I woke up I had no reply from her. Oh a whim I Googled him to see if I could find out anything more.

Oh. My. God.

He didn’t die… they just made him Bishop.

Obviously we no longer believe the same things, but I’m actually very pleased for him. He was extremely unbishopy back in the day, and by general agreement was chosen to be Bishop because of his lack of being bishopy. He appears to have bare feet in his ordination photos and the silly bishop hat looks somewhat out of place on top of dreadlocks. But he looks happy, so I’m happy for him. I think he’ll be great in his position too.

But it’s also kind of funny seeing one of us arrive at a position of importance too. We were all young once and now we have these jobs and lives involving kids in high school. Somehow we got to be middle aged. Somehow we went from me being age 21 and meeting an age 18 Jennifer for the first time… she wore a blue and white dress… to getting married at 24 and 22… and now we’re 42 and 39. It’s been a very long time.

Neither one of us has changed, we’re still the same Athol and same Jennifer we always were. I’m tall, she’s short. I’m smart and funny, she giggles and is very sweet tempered. We’re both introverts. We both care a great deal about doing the right thing and that other people are helped. We really haven’t changed a bit… except that we’ve done two decades of activities and learned stuff along the way, we’ve taken on some responsibilities too. We became parents and homeowners, we had careers. We traveled a few places too.

So while we are exactly the same as we’ve always been, a lot of the content of our lives has changed. I’ve mentioned a few times before on the blog that once upon a time my faith was extremely important to me, and I was very seriously considering the road toward becoming a minster. I’ve always liked helping people, I love teaching, I always loved making people think about how to live. I’m acutely aware how pastoral in nature MMSL is, it’s just not religiously based. If you shut your eyes for a minute, can’t you hear me all but preaching the gospel of the Red Pill?

I’m still the same person, just the content of my life has changed.

So let’s talk about you now.

One of the things I did in yesterday’s post was encourage you to do the same things that you originally did to attract your wife to you. One of the comments was to the effect of “well I was in a grunge band, that really did work to attract her back them, but I can’t do that now, and I don’t know if it would even work if I did it anyway.”

I hear you. But what if the content of your life was “being in a grunge band”, but what you were about was simply “music”?

Do you still go to concerts? Do you still practice your instrument? Do you still get excited about various bands releasing new albums? You may not play grunge anymore, but maybe you could be forming a group and playing something, somewhere, sometime. Maybe you can record your own music and put it on Amazon, or have a blog and have it downloadable or whatever. Maybe you can teach music lessons. It may not matter what you do around music one little bit, you just need to be doing something passionate in your life to energize and engage you. Maybe it wasn’t being in a grunge band that did it for her. Maybe it was the way you looked so vibrant when you were playing that did it for her. Maybe when the music died, you died a little too.

It’s the same with sports. If you’re 42 you can’t re-live the glory days of that one perfect touchdown forever. You can however stay in shape. You can throw a football around with the kids. You can get excited and follow a team. You can coach little league. You can play in a masters soccer league. You can switch sports and learn golf. Hell even a bowling league is better than sitting at home every day and gaining ten pounds every year since you graduated high school.

My father was a racer. He raced cars before I was born and a little after, then he raced yachts when I was a kid, then he raced go-karts after I had moved out. We watched tons of Formula 1 together. We went to speedway dozens of times. When he visited us and it synced up with the NASCAR schedule, we drove three-and-a-half hours up to New Hampshire to watch the race. He ended up building a full International level go-kart track just outside of Rotorua. Dad’s interest in racing never changed, just the content of what he was racing.

My hunch is that whatever it was that you were doing when you meet your wife was, it wasn’t boring. You were doing something you found interesting and fun. But you were doing something that you were naturally interested in and basically good at. So you can be the same person you always were, just change the content for something that can work now. That’s how barefoot and quirky Justin can grow up and become a Bishop. That’s how I met Jennifer by being a guest preacher and here I am all grown up writing MMSL. So find whatever it is that you’re passionate about and don’t let it die.

Oh and if all you were doing to attract your wife when you were young was attending drunken frat parties… the middle-aged equivalent is called a wine tasting.

Use Your Strong Suit, Cover Your Weaknesses

I got an email from a guy worried that every time he tried to turn his Game on, he just couldn’t pull off being a James Bond 007 type. It always turned into something like Austin Powers.

Well…..

That’s not actually a problem. I mean I don’t go around trying to pull off a James Bond vibe either, it simply wouldn’t seem right for me. I would feel weird doing it and it would come across as try hard stupid. In fact my “Goofy and Groping” approach is I guess fairly similar to Austin Powers in tone.

Look you can’t be every single type of guy that’s attractive to women. You can’t be High-Powered-Career-Guy and All-Star-Sports-Guy and Creative-Genius-Funny-Guy and Perfect-Father-Around-The- House-Guy and Almost-Like-Jesus-Church-Guy and Rough-Tough-Bad-Boy-Guy and so on and so on and so on. There’s simply not enough time in your day for anyone to learn all that. You don’t likely even have good genetics for some of them either. I could wind the clock back thirty years and try my hardest and I wouldn’t be able to turn pro at any sport.

All those types of guys are attractive to women, no question. But usually one of those types works better for attracting your wife than the others do. Being that sort of guy was very likely what you were doing when you met your wife and got her to marry you. So you keep doing what you’re good at – what you’re best at – but you also cover yourself by getting down the basics of the other types.

So if you’re the Perfect-Father-Around-The-House-Guy, you keep doing that stuff like normal, but you also make sure you have a decent income, that you have some basic fitness, that you’re not being a dumbass, that you have a basic moral code and are trustworthy, that you can stand your ground with her. You work your strengths and cover your weaknesses.

If your wife is into you because you’re All-Star-Sports-Guy, she’s going to stay turned on by you as long as you keep your body together. Being an average father and help around the house isn’t going to be a positive or a negative. Turning into Superfatherlaundryman isn’t going to turn her on, but doing absolutely nothing around the house and kids will make her lose interest and relationship comfort with you and turn her off.

For me, I’m… surprise surprise… Creative-Genius-Funny-Guy. The good news is that’s the type of guy Jennifer is into. Beyond a certain baseline income, crazy more money isn’t going to make Jennifer want me any more. Beyond a certain baseline physical fitness, crazy more fitness isn’t going to make Jennifer want me any more. Same with acting tough and helping around the house. Some is good, lots more is much the same effect as “some”. What works for me to attract Jennifer is writing MMSL and making her laugh a lot. She also likes having her ass and boobs groped at by me. Thus “Goofy and Groping”.

So find your strong suit, keep it strong, and cover your weaknesses.

Jennifer:  He has me pegged lol.

Money and Dating Standards for Men and Women

From Yahoo News…

Overall, 75 percent of women said they would be unlikely to date an unemployed man, with 33 percent saying no outright. Another 42 percent of women answered maybe when asked about the possibility of dating an unemployed man. That answer, however, came with the stipulation that those women would not want to spend a lot of time in the relationship if the man did not have a plan in place. Just 21 percent of women said they would date an unemployed man.

On the other hand, the prospect of dating an unemployed woman was not a problem for nearly two-thirds of men. In fact, 19 percent of men said they had no reservations and 46 percent of men said they were positive they would date an unemployed woman.

And now a translation into plain English…

Overall, 75 percent of women said the chances of them dating an unemployed man ranged from “slim” to “none”, with 33 percent of the women bursting into open laughter at the question. The other 42 percent of women asked for clarification of what exactly the questioner meant by “dating”, when asked about the possibility of dating an unemployed man. Their follow up answer in the affirmative however came with the stipulation that those women would only consider it if the guy was “really hot looking” and he was never to call their cell phones directly. Just 21 percent of women said they would date an unemployed man, but he had to have food at his apartment.

On the other hand, the prospect of dating an unemployed woman was not a problem for nearly two-thirds of men. In fact, 19 percent of men said they were totally desperate for any form of sexual contact and 46 percent of men said that when they were answering the questionnaire they had a chubby.

It all seems pretty black and white as to how the sexes approach the Sexual Marketplace doesn’t it. Money matters, guys. If you have a way to make more of it, more is typically better than less.

Plus if you’re getting into a dating situation with any hope of turning it into a LTR or marriage, you may want to go the SAHM route eventually. But she should at least have some sort of a job now. I mean if she was good enough to hook up with when she had no income, you pretty much set the precedent that you’re cool with pulling money out of your pocket for the remainder of the relationship.

When To Reveal MMSL

It’s been an odd day. I got asked three different ways when was the right time to pull back the curtain and reveal to your wife that you’d been reading MMSL.

Anyway, it’s fairly simple. If her Sex Rank is higher than yours and you’re in Phase One of the MAP, I would completely zip it on the MMSL front and even actively seek to hide it from her. Just run the MAP and don’t talk about it. She already thinks somewhat poorly of you and revealing that you “need help with women”, just gives her hamster ammunition to frame you as a loser.

If your Sex Rank is higher than hers and you’re in Phase Three, then it’s basically up to you if you reveal or not. At this point it’s working for you and she might be mildly taken aback by the fact that you had outside help, but the fact that it actually is working will carry the day.

Somewhere between those two points it stops being a bad idea to tell her and starts being a mildly okay idea to do so.

However if she starts acting increasingly anxious and nervous because you’ve successfully become obviously more attractive than her, she may just be freaking out that you’re going to dump her, cheat on her, or already be cheating on her. In which case the reveal may in fact be a massive relief to her. “Look honey I’ve been following this plan, and the plan says to hold the moral high ground as you do it, and that’s what I’ve done.”

Essentially once you reveal MMSL and the MAP, you’ve pushed it to a de facto Phase Four. You’re stating your intentions fairly clearly that you want a proper sexual relationship in the marriage, or you are preparing to walk on her. So it is important to have your Sex Rank higher than hers when you do that. The golden rule being to never force an ultimatum on your wife when she’s hotter than you.

The only other reason to reveal MMSL is when you use it as a last ditch buying for time gambit. I.e. she’s about to punt you out of the house in the next five minutes because you are failing badly on the attraction front. This is where you can say, “Okay, okay I get it now. I’ve found this book, I’ve figured out what I have to do, I have this clear easy plan to follow, please just give me 3-6 months to prove that I can turn myself around. I’m not going to talk about doing this, I’m just going to do it.” If you’re at that point, you really have nothing else to lose, so maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t.

Jennifer:  I’ve often been asked if me knowing about Athol using Game makes it less effective. I don’t think it does.  I don’t see it as manipulation as much as I see it as motivation…it’s not a bad thing for me if he knows what makes me attracted to him and he does those things.  Sometimes he does something obvious and almost jokingly, and I just laugh at him (in an affectionate way, not in a derisive way!).  Sometimes I just tell him I need an Alpha Male for a moment lol. 

If She Can’t Act Appropriately In Public…

Reader:  “When women tell you to Man Up, what they think they are saying to you, is for you to “Be a winner.” But because they feel they have to say that to you, they’ve already decided that you are a loser.”

Yeah, ran into this a little over a month ago, maybe you can tell me how i should have handled it. Was a friends birthday party, and i was there with my at the time FWB. So he pulled out the hardcore Portuguese spirits and started pouring shots. It was nasty stuff. When i pounded it back, i thought i swallowed acid and im sure my face showed it, along with the groan.   FWB turns to me and says ‘Really? You should buck up and take it like a man. You don’t hear us complaining when we have to swallow!’ (obvious sex ref)

I had no comeback. I just took the next shot and pounded it back and didn’t even flinch, as nasty as it was. I just looked her dead in the eye and said, ‘That’s how good European girls do it’. But i already knew the shit test was lost. On top of that i took myself to about 1 drink away from throwing up, something i haven’t done since my teens. So i fell into the trap of ‘manning up’ against my better judgement and health risk involved.   If anyone knows a good way that should have been handled.. I’m all ears!

Athol:  A Friend With Benefits who isn’t acting like a friend, effectively demotes herself to being a rental vagina.  So what you should do is say you’re not going to jump through hoops she’s setting, just because she’s being a bitch.

Unfortunately though, she has majorly upped the ante by doing this in public, trying to shame you into doing something you clearly didn’t want to do, so you can’t just have a private word about this. You can’t ask her to step outside to address things, because if you do that, you’re telegraphing to the entire group that you’re too weak to handle her publicly. She just going to smirk and very loudly call you out again, attracting even more attention to it. So whatever you do, needs to happen right then.

Personally I don’t have any interest in being with anyone goading me into doing something like that, so that would in and of itself make me start losing interest in me being with them. I would give them the thanks for playing two second speech and tell them to find their own ride home. Basically if she can’t behave like she’s part of a couple in public, she can’t be part of a couple in public.

I know that sounds drastic, but in a dating situation if she’s pulling public stunts to try and embarrass you, you’re already on the way out of the relationship. So by acting like you’re completely prepared to walk away from her, you beat her to the punch and force her to reassess the situation quickly and maybe her hamster finds you suddenly more attractive. Even then the whole thing is probably just scorched earth anyway as far as this girl is concerned, you just want the story about the incident being that you unflinchingly dumped her rather than you almost tossed your cookies trying to impress her.

And besides, if when she swallows it burns going down like a shot of 100 proof something, she’s really got to stop blowing infected guys.

P.S. Of course it it’s a guy goading you into trying to do something foolishly stupid, you just say “Go right ahead, once you’re injured / dead / jailed / unconscious, I’ll make sure your girlfriend / wife is properly looked after.” Then you smile happily and encourage them to do it.