An Unfortunate Shortage Of Leftover Bacon

So here’s how today, my Wednesday morning played out…

Awaken 6am due to purposeful lack of alarm set for 6am. Fall back to sleep. Wake up at 7am with raging hard-on coupled with intense need to void bladder. Stumble to bathroom, urinate awkwardly. Do not wish to disclose further information regarding urination. Upon shower completion… dress warmly for aerobic walk to local establishment. Intention, partaking of large iced coffee beverage. In hand liquid stimulant, return home, uphill, brisk pace.

Arrive home, drag hamper proximal to washing machine. Place clothes within engineering marvel, add appropriate cleansing agent, press start. Return to kitchen and engage in minor verbal altercation with wife as dish-washing appliance prematurely operational. State intention for cooking breakfast, dishes to be washed post-consumption of omelets with addition of prior evening’s macaroni cheese and leftover bacon. Course of action accepted by spouse with pleasantries.

Dilemma. Large quantity of macaroni cheese available, but shortage of leftover bacon.

Spouse leaves for own walk for caffeinated beverage. Window of opportunity apparent. Cook macaroni cheese omelet with bacon for self. Consume entirely, evidence destroyed. Determine wife unharmed by lack of bacon disclosure.

Car to be cleaned. Wheeled trash bin transported to stern of car. Near entire contents of trunk added to trash receptacle. Interior of vehicle receives similar treatment. Reach under seats and discover multiple lost items: six pens, a camera battery, two AA batteries, straws, numerous fossilized french fries and a small Mrs. Potts toy from Beauty and the Beast. Also recovery of 73 cents is pleasing. Using a total of nine sanitizing wipes, interior of car including door-sills polished. Acquire vacuum cleaner from domicile, thoroughly suction entire car. Suction seats, foot pads, cup-holders and doors. Can no longer locate the 73 cents.

Dump vacuum cleaner contents into wheelie bin. Wife returns from walk, impressed by effort with car, reports guilt of state of own vehicle. Use wifely expression of guilt as perfect moment to inform of unfortunate bacon shortage. Cook macaroni cheese omelet for wife. Consumed gratefully. Wife retires to bathroom to bathe. Myself, five minute tidy of kitchen, start dish-cleaning apparatus as previously advertised. Quick tidy of bedroom and dining room returning to baseline cleanliness specifications. 10am and chores completed, save empty dishwasher and fold laundry as distraction after lunch.

Bid wife fond farewell upon departure to her employment location. During succulent parting kiss, playful instigation via mild fondling of left breast. Receive superficial blow to forearm in response. Kiss repeated and second verbal exchange of positive pair-bonded emotional state made.

The day awaits.

Comments

  1. Macaroni & cheese omlete?

  2. Mac and cheese omelet. Huh. Perhaps it’s time to pick up your Paleo book?
    Sincerest sympathies on the lack of bacon.

  3. It was actually amazingly good lol.

  4. FeralFelis says:

    I have had bacon omelets, cheese omelets, and bacon/cheese omelets. Never have I had a mac & chees omelet, bacon or no.
    I’ve heard it said that “everything but the kitchen sink” can be used for an omelet.
    Now I have proof!

  5. I once put chocolate milk in an omelette. You actually can’t put anything in an omelette.

  6. I like cheddar cheese omelet, salami omelet, potatoes, carrots and cheese omelet, Spaghetti Omelet…is true almost anything can be an omelet. :)
    Lack of bacon would be a problem for the hubby. I don’t eat pork so I declare this post useless :p

  7. Shimshon says:

    Athol, it sounds like you are losing your edge (:-).

  8. Changed Man says:

    “Athol, it sounds like you are losing your edge (:-).”

    Nevar!!!

  9. alphaguy says:

    What did I tell you guys… he’s been home for a few days and he’s doing laundry already! I think it’s going to be interesting when the kids are home all summer long, nothing will get done!

  10. Mac and Cheese omelettes? I think you forgot to detail the part where you did bong hits when you rolled out of bed!

  11. What about the fucking in the morning?

  12. Diablo 3 and Torchlight 2 are far greater threats to my productivity than laundry ever could be lol.

  13. Welcome to the world Athol. Been self employed since my mid 20′s, and couldn’t go back.

  14. Athol, don’t let the omelet haters get you down. Just give them an up-yours: knock out a quick Omelet Recipe ebook, make a few $$grand and sit back a smile.

  15. I think folks around here have forgotten that you have to be both alpha and beta ;)

  16. Over It says:

    Athol, your life makes me sad because it sounds like my life as a SAHM with a part-time job.

  17. Highlander says:

    Dangerous Athol, sounds like how my days went for 15 years. It didn’t matter that I did all the things you mention because it made sense as I was the one home, after a while it was viewed as pure Beta behavior and she began to take if for granted. It also left her with very little to do to remain connected to the family unit. She hit her early 40′s , mid life issues came into play. She bolted in July for a guy she met online, now she still works all week, but drives 100 miles to his place on the weekends and cleans his house…..

    In retrospect I think it would have been better if we’d shared these chores together, spending time together, even folding laundry, doing dishes, yardwork etc. does help keep the bond stronger. Leaving them with very little to do other than going to work and coming home eventually pulls you apart. You’d think that being the perfect husband would be a dream, but I know now they don’t see it that way, even if you are alpha in the bedroom.

  18. The beta-ness of Athols homemaking skills were countered by the Alpha move of making Jennifer walk to the coffee shop to get her own damn coffee.

  19. Senior Beta says:

    Your funniest post yet. Nice to see someone enjoying “retirement.” I should have been a writer.

    Writing is one of those “many will enter, few will win” sort of games. You basically need to be a bit nutty to make writing work.

  20. FeralFelis says:

    I know everyone means well and everyone has their own perspective on things, but at this moment I’m glad I’m not finally my own man (err, woman), living my dream and goal as a successful writer and blogger. There’d be just too danged many people telling me what to do!!

    Oh how I love you. On the bright side, these are the people who like me! There are far worse comments about me out on the Internet.

  21. Angeline says:

    The “awakening at 6am because of a purposeful lack of alarm set for 6am” cracked me up. So true how that works out.
    Also, bacon omelete, of course. Mac n cheese omelet? Still wrapping my brain around that one.

  22. This post inspired me to make a pizza topping omelet from last night’s leftovers. Worked out pretty well.

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