So here’s how today, my Wednesday morning played out…
Awaken 6am due to purposeful lack of alarm set for 6am. Fall back to sleep. Wake up at 7am with raging hard-on coupled with intense need to void bladder. Stumble to bathroom, urinate awkwardly. Do not wish to disclose further information regarding urination. Upon shower completion… dress warmly for aerobic walk to local establishment. Intention, partaking of large iced coffee beverage. In hand liquid stimulant, return home, uphill, brisk pace.
Arrive home, drag hamper proximal to washing machine. Place clothes within engineering marvel, add appropriate cleansing agent, press start. Return to kitchen and engage in minor verbal altercation with wife as dish-washing appliance prematurely operational. State intention for cooking breakfast, dishes to be washed post-consumption of omelets with addition of prior evening’s macaroni cheese and leftover bacon. Course of action accepted by spouse with pleasantries.
Dilemma. Large quantity of macaroni cheese available, but shortage of leftover bacon.
Spouse leaves for own walk for caffeinated beverage. Window of opportunity apparent. Cook macaroni cheese omelet with bacon for self. Consume entirely, evidence destroyed. Determine wife unharmed by lack of bacon disclosure.
Car to be cleaned. Wheeled trash bin transported to stern of car. Near entire contents of trunk added to trash receptacle. Interior of vehicle receives similar treatment. Reach under seats and discover multiple lost items: six pens, a camera battery, two AA batteries, straws, numerous fossilized french fries and a small Mrs. Potts toy from Beauty and the Beast. Also recovery of 73 cents is pleasing. Using a total of nine sanitizing wipes, interior of car including door-sills polished. Acquire vacuum cleaner from domicile, thoroughly suction entire car. Suction seats, foot pads, cup-holders and doors. Can no longer locate the 73 cents.
Dump vacuum cleaner contents into wheelie bin. Wife returns from walk, impressed by effort with car, reports guilt of state of own vehicle. Use wifely expression of guilt as perfect moment to inform of unfortunate bacon shortage. Cook macaroni cheese omelet for wife. Consumed gratefully. Wife retires to bathroom to bathe. Myself, five minute tidy of kitchen, start dish-cleaning apparatus as previously advertised. Quick tidy of bedroom and dining room returning to baseline cleanliness specifications. 10am and chores completed, save empty dishwasher and fold laundry as distraction after lunch.
Bid wife fond farewell upon departure to her employment location. During succulent parting kiss, playful instigation via mild fondling of left breast. Receive superficial blow to forearm in response. Kiss repeated and second verbal exchange of positive pair-bonded emotional state made.
The day awaits.