Reader: In the 2011 Primer you say that if you are in Phase 3 and have a Sex Rank advantage, and things still aren’t getting better, that you must push to Phase 4 within a few months, or be stuck in a sort of Phase 1. My question is – what should you do if you’ve been in that Phase 3/1 for a very long time?
My wife and I started dating about 12 years ago. We started out with me having probably a half point advantage in Sex Rank. We moved in together about 6 years in, after school and traveling. The rest of the story you’ve probably heard a thousand times. I went beta, sex took a nosedive, and we got into a 2-3 times per month routine while I suffered in silence and eventually just got used to it.
We got engaged a few years ago, and shortly afterwards I went through a few personal events that prompted a period of introspection and evaluation. I read a lot of evolutionary psychology books and began changing my life in ways that mirror your Male Action Plan. Over the year I dropped 30 pounds and got into the best shape of my life, took charge at work and earned a promotion and a raise, quit smoking, learned to cook, etc. I stepped into an alpha role socially and professionally, and started getting lots of unwanted female attention. As far as I could tell, my fiancé noticed none of it. I convinced myself that it was just because of the stress of planning the wedding, etc. and just kept on the same path, hoping for the best.
At this point I’d established a good point and a half Sex Rank advantage and was in what I suppose you might call Phase 3 of your MAP. I know now that my mistake was probably that I didn’t push it into Phase 4, and just continued accepting drip-fed sex and a general lack of interest in me without much complaint.
My question is how does one recover from this? I know that, according to the MAP, I’ve been stuck in that sort of Phase 3 / Phase 1 for just about 2 years. I really have no Sex Rank leverage at all because after accepting things as they are for so long, she’s got no fear of losing me. I’m quite sure that jumping into Phase 4 at this point and saying that I’d consider leaving her if things don’t change will be pretty volcanic. This is fine, but I don’t want to set us up to fail. What’s an MMSL reader to do if all my MAP work has gone to waste and I’m back to square one?
Athol: I’m not sure there is a way to make it undramatic when you push to Phase Four, but I agree if you slam her with Phase Four out of the blue, she’ll react less well than she may otherwise.
My suggestion would be to tell her you’re not happy and why, explicitly not mentioning a threat of divorce, and take it from there. You will very likely get a short spike of sexual attention and then have it revert back to the baseline amount of sex. You can repeat “the talk” a couple times over a couple of months. After that, the topic will be in the air and she’ll have had a proper heads up and react with less shock to the Phase Four proper.
Also while you do this, ensure that you really are acting like Phase Three is in effect. You’re looking good and acting like a guy that can pull other women should be wish to.
Though I do caution you that her lack of response after you self-improved a great deal is not the best indication of overall success with this. She may or may not respond to Phase Four and beyond. Unfortunately you married her when everything was sexually lackluster, so that’s going to be something she brings up as a defense. “Why are you ruining everything now? We aren’t doing anything different than before we got married? Why did you marry me if you were going to blow it all up like this?” and yada yada yada framing you as the bad guy.
She just may not be that into you.