Reader: The dynamics of my marriage have changed dramatically and your book has been at the heart of it. My MAP has not been perfect and I think I may have over reached a bit but I am finding the “D” talk to be unsettling.
Since running the MAP our sex has gone from 1X monthly to 2-3X/week for the twenty days per month she is not having her period. Those ten days per month have been a challenge as I have trouble sustaining sexy moves and beta activities when I know she is locked up any way. She feels like she has done allot to respond to me and can’t believe how my attitude suffers during the cold period. I am not pissy, but off doing my own thing. She senses it and is not getting what she usually gets from me and it gets immediately ugly.
I have done lots of manning up and she says she does not want to be dominated. She accuses me of wanting to drive us apart so I can go find some attractive 30 something and has referred many times to me dumping her. She is a wonderful, fun woman with a giant heart and I still find the same things attractive in her that brought us together. D was never my plan at all. I have been High Desire my whole life, apparently unwilling to ask for what I want, and that is no longer something I will live with.
Anyway, I am curious if you hear from your readers and have a sense for how often everything blows sky high and ends in D? We had a conversation at 4 am this week where she suggested if I can back off for a year and a half so we can get our youngest daughter off to college and we can go our separate ways then. That’s easy to say but the shit tests have been coming hard and fast since that conversation. She has gained some weight due to stress and my sex rank is solid. She has a new job which I am encouraging but I make three times what she makes.
My wife is a strong lady and been a bucking bronco on all of this. She seems to begrudgingly give me two steps forward before a step back. In MC she admitted that she chose me for different reasons than sexual attraction. I would be a good father, provider, etc… Ouch. The reason I am willing to entertain the idea of D is because that seems like no way to live.
Athol: It sounds like she’s just getting mentally geared up to be dumped, so is going to try and do it on her terms. She’s lost control of the relationship because you’re hotter than her, so she’s trying to gain control of the end of the relationship.
If she chose you because you’re a good father and provider and less sexy…. why would she divorce you if you’re still a good father and provider and more sexy? She’s just running the Hamster out loud about all that as part of the testing. Going from sex once a month to 2-3x a week means she does find you more attractive now than before. So the addition of the Alpha was working as intended. You got better, she knows you got better, the problem is she didn’t and she’s worried you’re about to move on or cheat on her.
Yes I have seen Game give a short term boost to the marriage and then fall apart. It’s usually boosted because the husband added Alpha, and then falls apart because he doesn’t re-balance it with Beta when she get nervous in the aftermath. Basically the frame you need to assert is covered here.
I would also cut the divorce talk off at the knees asap. If you can have an amicable planned divorce, that means you can work as a team during emotionally trying times… which kinda suggests you could actually have an okay marriage. I would have blown up at her verbally “WELL I DON’T WANT A DIVORCE, WHY THE $%^& DO YOU WANT TO DIVORCE ME?” Don’t insult her or call her names, just let her see your rage over the fact that she wants to end the marriage.
What she’s looking for is whether or not you have an emotional bond to her. She’s testing you by threatening to break that bond by raising the issue of divorce, so you’re meant to act like a wounded animal and react like you’re extremely pissed off and hurt. If you have a calm discussion about a potential divorce, you’re telegraphing you aren’t bonded to her. If you telegraph you aren’t bonded to her, she’s going to go all kinds of crazy testing on you because in her heart she knows you’re going to dump her and it’s far easier to leave a relationship mad than sad.
The ideal state to be in is where you as the husband have the upper hand in the relationship where your attractiveness could replace your wife with someone younger / hotter / tighter fairly easily, and she would very much struggle to replace you with a man of your quality… but she is still reassured of the relationship lasting forever (and you being faithful to her) on the combination of her basically being a good attentive wife and the depth of your emotional bonding to her.
Another great thing you can do to provide comfort that she’s not going to be dumped, is make plans for the future. Something like a vacation involving plane flights is ideal. It shows you’re thinking far ahead, with you still being a couple as part of your plans. A week in Europe if you’re American, or in America if you’re European is going to be a damn sight cheaper than a divorce.
But maybe that’s just me. Jennifer isn’t into jewelry, she’s into plane flights. But then again I’m from New Zealand, so I caused all that lol.
Jennifer: Hey no fair! I do like travel and it is your fault!