Reader: I wanted to ask you something do you think the principles of game can work with female-female friendships?
I think I’m my best friend beta husband. She kind of did something disrespectful and unconsidered that I know she wouldn’t do to our bitchy common friend and I think me being too nice has to do with it. This is a woman I had known for 12 years and I always being nice and accommodating and I think she kinds of decided that if I treat her like a queen is because I’m her slave. I told her that what she did was mean and she kind of laughed at my face and say that I was being “silly” even though she did something that I make sure not do to her like four years ago because I knew it was not right… anyway I decided to cut contact and not call her (She is unemployed now, so I call her so she doesn’t spent money but then she does calls our other bitchy that lives in Boston) and it took her a week to call me to apologize properly.
Now I wonder if I should add more Alpha to our relationship (call her less, give her less gifts and other stuff) or you think I’m being paranoid? Has Jennifer noticed anything like this in her girlfriends?
Athol: Sex Rank is in effect for same sex relationships too. It’s always the most attractive guy that’s leading the male-male friendship. It’s always the most attractive female leading the female-female friendship. We all fall somewhere in the pecking order.
This effect is why a lot of guys running the MAP find their work environment changes for the better even though they were trying to work on their marriage. Their status in the social group rises because they are more attractive and people start treating them nicer. They stop taking crap at home and they walk into their office feeling more confident and assured, people notice and respond to it.
In general, you train people how to treat you. If you’ve been deferring to your friend for years and years, she is in charge of the relationship. She’s dominant and you’re submissive. By bumping back on her you upset the social order a little lol. It may well be that you’re pulling level with her, or the dominant/submissive roles are going to change. I’ve also had some minor amount of email confirming that in same sex romantic relationships, MMSL works pretty much on cue too.
There’s always a dominant and a submissive partner in any dyadic social relationship. This is simply what humans do on an unconscious level. I know people go crazy when I talk about dominance and submission, but it’s extremely important to grasp how dominance and submission exists in every interpersonal exchange. When you get on a bus, the bus driver is dominant and you pay your fare and sit well behaved and appropriate… i.e. submissively… on the bus. When a cop pulls you over, the cop is dominant and you’re the submissive. The middle manager is dominant over the staff, but submissive to the director. You can have a dominant role in one social place and a submissive role in another. Stop thinking dominance and submission is only about wearing black leather and consentual whipping lol. It’s everywhere and happening all the time.
Most interpersonal conflict arises from attempts to maintain threatened dominance and/or evade being in a submissive position. When I started “breaking free” at work, I got into “trouble” several times with my superiors. Once it became apparent I wasn’t going to be contained, and in fact was becoming someone that could bump back on them rather firmly, they backed off and were much nicer. For the reader in question, there was a big blowing up of the relationship when she bumped back and then it resolved after a bit.
This is also why the Captain and First Officer approach creates a low conflict marriage. If you’ve already decided on the power structure and agree to it, most points of potential conflict are side stepped. Otherwise the alternative is somewhat akin to the Rule of Two of Sith Lords. There’s a Master and an Apprentice and eventually the Apprentice seeks to kill the Master and either succeeds or is killed themselves. So it works great for a while then always blows up somehow.
It is very very rare that there are genuinely equal relationships. Usually when one couple says they have an equal relationship, that’s the viewpoint the dominant partner wishes to believe in and the submissive partner states agreement because they wish to not displease the dominant partner. I’ve often seen quite bullying dominant wives get very angry when it is pointed out they don’t in fact have an equal relationship because they are running the show. More ironic than that is if a husband acted to a wife, like they act toward their husband, they would be outraged at the dominance and “abuse.” The Rationalization Hamster is strong.
Dominance is not a good or bad thing, it simply is. You can use it for good or for evil. You can exploit others, or quite benignly lead the way. There’s no requirement that the male has to be the dominant one and the wife the submissive one, it just seems to be the way most people are wired for eroticized relationships.
And whether dominant or submissive, I don’t advise putting up with abuse, deception or neglect in your intimate relationships.
Jennifer: Athol is dominant in our relationship, but he’s so light about it that I don’t feel controlled by him. It’s not like he runs my day or micromanages me. I like following his lead. Also he does respect my input and listens well. It works for us. I’m not oppressed lol!
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