Following on from yesterday’s post, I’m pretty much assuming there’s a bunch of female readers feeling some combination of nausea and dread. You’re hitting forty and your Sex Rank is really starting to head in the direction of down, while your husband’s is still floating in the direction of up. Any minute now he’s going to dump you, or sneak out for a double scoop of 22-year-old and act like nothing happened.
Okay knock that off ladies, don’t run out and buy a box of tissues and cats just yet. Breathe into the bag for a bit.
Husbands are not that hard to manage. All you have to do is feed them, make sure you basically contribute to the creation of the home and family life, and act like you really enjoy doing things involving their penis. Seriously, that’s about it. It’s really kind of rare that guys walk away from that sort of deal for a 22-year-old that, (1) can’t put a meal on the table without a cell phone, (2) does not understand the difference between a credit card and a debit card because they both say VISA, and (3) apparently only knows one sexual position called “starfish”.
Look we know you’re not 22-years-old. We know. We know. We know and we don’t care as long as we’re getting food, a home and sex. The thing that does you in is when you give up on yourself and just let your appearance slide, like your diet consists of nothing but doughnuts and meth. If 1984 called and wants it’s eyeshadow back, that’s probably something to work on as well. Don’t fall asleep in a tanning booth. Go to the dentist and get that tooth fixed. Are there not three hundred women’s magazines advising this stuff already?
Anyway, just age gracefully and get it on in the sack. You can still do the Starfish position once in a while, but do it because you’re tied down and blindfolded or something awesome.
Having gotten thousands upon thousands of emails from married men over the last few years, I can assure you that their first preference is that their marriage works out. They just want the food, the home and the sex with you. It’s when any or all of that isn’t working out, and they’ve tried to get that for several years, that’s when the big red exit sign on the front door starts lighting up. Then when their first preference isn’t a winning option anymore, that’s when other women start looking really good. When that happens, that’s when they start figuring out who the hottest woman is they can get themselves into. If they have a choice between a 24-year-old and a 42-year-old to start a new long term relationship with, the 24-year-old has the huge advantage. Namely gravity defying breasts and she doesn’t do the thing where she pees a little when she sneezes.
The typical husband getting tray-ed, maid and laid, from a woman aging gracefully, is definitely going to notice young hotties in the general area, but typically isn’t going to blow up his good thing either. Especially if he knows his good thing is going to big time blow up at him for it. Have a backbone about that. Don’t just run up the white flag and cave in because he glanced at some chick with glitter in her cleavage. That just means he has a pulse and a penis, which are good things and completely natural.
So, routing back to the title. What would Jennifer do? Easy. She’d do her husband.
Disclaimer: Jennifer went to bed very early tonight as she has a 5am start tomorrow. Thus she hasn’t proof read this post. Which is how I got away with having her name in the title lol. Also I suspect I’m on my own for dealing with hate mail related to the phrase “tray-ed, maid and laid.” My defense is that I’m obnoxious.