Become the type of guy your wife would have an affair with.
Archives for July 2012
Reader: [girlfriend difficulties, she told me about MMSL, what I’ve been doing to up the Alpha and there’s another guy now yada yada yada…] …The short of it is that I am not sure what to do. This feels very strongly wrong to me and I do not like the time they spend together. I think that this has come to an emotional affair and I want it to stop, but need a way to do this which will be seen as Alpha. I know that being this troubled is fairly beta and telling her I am uncomfortable is the same, but pursuing a beta route is likely to reaffirm her belief that I need more alpha.
Athol: If she’s given you the link to MMSL, she’s been fully expecting you to give her a clear ultimatum to either (1) End her interaction with this guy completely and finally, or (2) tell her the relationship is over.
It seems like you haven’t done that, so she’s continued to up the ante to either get a response from you, or failing that, to be with a man who’s willing to fight for her.
As a caveat though, if she has had sex with him, you have to end the relationship anyway. You can’t reward her for doing that by turning her into your wife.
Reader: I agree, I have been wanting to send her the clear ultimatum. I have been trying to seek out other methods in an effort to stick to her stated wish of ‘being able to have the friends she wants to have.” As you can guess you were the last Hail Mary pass before I did just that.
I do not think she has slept with him, she doesn’t like the idea of sex out of marriage. My concern is more over an affair needed the emotional or public displays of alpha and beta that she is not getting from me.
Athol: “Having the friends she wants to have” is just bullshit. She already told you to your face she was doing this to get a reaction from you… and you kinda reacted by getting a little more Alpha, but you still needed to do the direct action thing and kick him out of the picture.
Even so… is she worth it?
Reader: I tend to see it a similar way. I know that in a relationship it is unhealthy to limit the friends and activities of the other partner. I think she is using the logic that it should never be allowed in a relationship. My thoughts are that there are some things that are acceptable to limit in a relationship with another person, certainly asking for monogamy is a given.
On the question of is she worth it, yes. She has issues but I love her. Without listing off traits and getting into sex rank I think she can be what I deserve.
Knowing that she is squeamish about sex before marriage I have always tried to support her in her beliefs and ask her to question them. I wont say I never tried to move things along….but it has been a slow process.
Athol: Yeah but shes dating him.
Reader: You are right of course.
Thank you for your time and help. The thing keeping me from issuing the ultimatum has been a want to refrain from something that sounds like one of the warning signs of an abusive relationship that they teach in health classes across the country. What I needed was someone impartial to come to the same conclusion as I did with hormones raging.
Athol: Wake me when anyone teaching a class like that is getting laid by an attractive woman.
Reader: True enough, most are in fact bitter middle aged women
Athol: Alrighty… the takeaway points.
(1) If she gives you the link to MMSL or one of my books, that’s a pretty big sign you need to be doing something differently, and fairly quickly too. You should probably see it as a 1-2 month warning on “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You”.
(2) If there’s another guy involved, you have to take direct action to get him out of the picture. No ifs ands or buts. You can’t just run the MAP and hope she comes around, you have to also intervene. The woman will invariably gravitate to the man giving the strongest presented frame. Also you can sucker punch him and make it sound like a fair fight, but don’t tell anyone I told you that.
(3) Never forget the golden rule: Cheating girlfriends get insta-dumped. Don’t even get angry about it, just be cool and say, “thanks for not letting it drag out” and push all her stuff out into the hall / front porch for her man to come pick up. When he comes to pick up her stuff, be friendly and help him load the truck. It may not feel like it at the time, but the dude is doing you a favor. I believe Man Law also requires you give him a beer.
(4) Dude… just let her go. You’re so far into the Blue Pill Betaized dreamworld, that after about a year of running the MAP you’ll be able to find a much better woman. Trust me.
Watch and learn…
One of the things I’ve learning from multi-player gaming is just how hard it is to create a stable system that’s balanced for everyone involved. The rule makers can make a change for good and unintended consequences can sneak in as millions of cunning players can seek the loop holes and exploits. Today the Warriors stride the battlefield as unstoppable killing machines, tomorrow the game is patched and melee gets a damage mitigation effect reduced and the Warriors aren’t quite so spectacular. But Mages get a global cooldown removed on a minor spell. Two weeks later good Warriors are a free kill to bad Mages. Tweak this, adjust that. It’s a never ending battle of balance. Working as intended apparently.
We do the same thing to marriage law.
Once upon a time the rules were pretty clear. You got caught nailing someones little girl, you got a free tuxedo and a ride to church. That was the rule. Sex was meant to happen in marriage, a marriage license was a license to have sex with someone. A license means “being allowed to do something”. Thus sexuality was channeled into marriage. The very words “husband” and “wife” were loaded with sexual subtext. My own mother said vows of “to love, honor and obey” to my father back in 1964. No seriously, the vows used to include obey in them. In BDSM terminology that’s signing up for a 24/7 power exchange D/s relationship. That’s extremely kinky by even today’s standards. People who have the first name of “Mistress” and wear nothing but leather and latex would at least suggest a safeword for something like that. Plus the dungeon is just one room in the basement, not the whole house.
I mean that sort of thing is really really out there.
But the game got patched by the powers that be… and any adult can have sex with immunity with any other adult. As a result, a marriage license isn’t a license to have sex anymore, it’s simply one lifestyle category among many as far as the law is concerned. Sex is no longer channeled into marriage, it flows out everywhere like a tsunami wrecking everything in its path and leaving behind ruined earth that won’t grow anything of value for a generation.
I think one of the sad things about the state of modern marriage is that the very words “husband” and “wife” have been stripped of eroticism. Marriage has been defrauded of sexuality.
When I first thought up the terms Captain and First Officer, I thought I was making a clever metaphor to explain things. But as the last two years have passed, more and more I’ve come to be impressed not so much with the metaphor, but how the terms have taken on a life of their own and become erotic. I think the moment of really talking with Jennifer about Captain and First Officer and asking her to come long for my ride… and having her say yes… was a more intimate and touching moment than asking her to marry me. Asking her to marry me was planned well in advance and I knew 100% she would say yes, it was fairly casual when I asked in the end.
But asking her to be First Officer… oy… and to expect her to publicly say that I was this and she is that… nerve-wracking. When I asked her, I didn’t know what would happen. When she said yes, I felt honored and awed by her trust. Maybe I’m just older and know better what I’m getting into, but asking a woman to be your First Officer seems a more profound request than asking her to be your wife. You’re asking for her to have a higher standard for herself and for her to have a higher trust… in you.
Run the experiment for yourself if you like. Try and tell someone publicly that you’re the Captain and she’s the First Officer and see how it gets a reaction well beyond that of saying husband and wife. Some people get mad and we just say “it’s not your marriage” and ignore them. But I’ve also seen women experience sudden enlightenment about their longing and talk engagingly about it. Others just struggle internally with an inner conflict of their surprised interest and confused self-doubt… omg I’m turned on, how could I like that? Why do I like that? Saying you’re the Captain of your marriage is a much stronger word than saying you’re someone’s husband.
Or put it this way, would you get on a cruise ship if you found out the guy running the bridge had an official title of “Husband?” And if you did get on board, would you have counted the lifeboats before you set sail?
Anyway, there’s not much question that marriage needs to be patched and rebalanced, and I’m not a huge fan of the prior patch either. But I don’t think it needs to be abandoned either. Besides… really good mods that gain a fanbase, have a funny way of making it into the full game. (wink)
We went to Washington DC for the weekend and did the whole ooh-ah walk of the National Mall. Mucho walking up and down and I quite enjoyed the Smithsonian stuff. I very much liked the Human origins section of the Museum of Natural History. I mean it’s one thing to read about evolution and mentally agree with it, and it’s another to see a whole wall of obviously not-quite-human skulls. It’s amazing to me that the idea of planting crops is only around 9000 years old and there’s a whole display on brain development. When I talk about The Time Before Writing I’m obviously being somewhat flippant and over-generalizing to make a point, but I have to say that standing in the middle of a great swathe of historical artifacts and sweeping history leading up to us, I felt a profound sense of reverence and connection.
My one giggle being the little tap dance about why the Neanderthals disappeared so quickly just as homo sapiens suddenly spread everywhere. Yeah you know what, maybe no one does know why they all disappeared… well I’m not saying we’re all related to a cohort of blood thirsty maniacs, I’m just saying imagine a village of Peter Griffins pretending to be Vikings squaring off against the Yale archery club. That’s all. We’ll just lay out the options and let the children decide for themselves.
Anyway I now have the perfect explanation for how the Rationalization Hamster gets to fool us so easily. Loosely speaking, there are three parts to the big meat computer that is the human brain…
Reptilian = Hardware: The oldest part of the brain controls everything your body does automatically. Breathing, food seeking, making urine, flight or fight etc etc. You have no control over this part of the brain at all. I mean seriously, try and control your pancreas secreting insulin by thinking about it. Exactly… you have zero control over this stuff.
Mammalian = Operating System: This part of the brain controls basically everything about us that isn’t already covered by the reptilian part of the part. There’s a huge element of social interaction and mating in here. This is where Body Agenda is located. It really likes boobs, ass, pussy and cumshots. It doesn’t know that porn involves bad actors, that shit is totally real.
Neo-Cortex = Software: This is the part of the brain that does all the cool stuff like inventing string theory and the triangle offense in basketball. It invented power chords and figured out that blue liquid is the socially appropriate color to represent menstrual fluid in tampon commercials. It writes the script for the Big Bang Theory and finds reasons for women to not have sex with men they don’t like. It created the marketing for Britney Spears and the Ruy Lopez chess opening. It thinks World of Warcraft is the pinnacle of human achievement second only to landing on the moon. It decided Twilight is art and wrote Harry Potter.
The software doesn’t run the operating system. The operating system allows the software to be run. Thus Body Agenda is always on, always running not so much as in the background, but as the foundation for all the software that is running. The Rationalization Hamster is just a program run from the registry that you can’t shut off without administrator privileges.
You’re never quite as in control of yourself as you think you are. You have a major influence to be sure, but not perfect control. And if you drink enough, you’ll pass out and piss yourself… just like any other mammal would. We share 98.8% of the same DNA as a chimpanzee, so half of Game is just asking yourself, “What would a sexually successful chimp do?” Then doing that.
It pretty much involves acting like a boss… but also making it look like you’re not acting like a chimp.