I got asked today what I do to determine the problem area in the basic problem of a wife not wanting sex. It’s an excellent question because it will determine the way you go about solving that issue too. It’s a five step process akin to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs where you need the bottom layers to be fulfilled in order to have the upper layer’s needs sought to be met. This is also why some guys get this near instant sexual explosion of interest from their wife as soon as they find MMSL, and some guys have a couple years of grinding out the MAP to make it go together.
Step One – Rule Out Medical
This is where I ask the questions about any medications, medical issues, birth control history and her all purpose general physical health. There are plenty of medical things that can nerf sex drive and ability to function sexually. You have to address this stuff first because there’s minimal benefit from running Game on a wife that just has zero sex drive and when she masturbates can no longer physically orgasm. You’re going to run your Alpha stuff and all the serotonin overload from her anti-depressants is going to flood out her ability to respond to it. Most anti-psychotics for example work by shutting down dopamine receptors in the brain, (which is also why most people on anti-psychotics have so little motivation to do anything) and you looking crazy hot is simply not going to trigger a dopamine response in her. It’s like she’s taking 200mg of I-Don’t-Give-A-Fuck.
If the problem is a medical issue, the solution is to seek medical attention and have it addressed. You simply can’t Game your way to a great sex life if the Mirena IUD inside her has completely stopped her sex drive. That being said, the health care system is increasingly an assembly line of care through too much asked of too few doctors. So you must educate yourself as fully as possible on your critical medical needs affecting your sex life. You can’t simply book a med appointment and hope for the best. You read up and ask questions. The entire goal of running the MAP may simply be to get her to seek medical attention for her issue.
Step Two – Rule Out Structural Attraction Issues
The structural attraction stuff is something you are lacking that 90%+ of all women would find a serious stumbling block to being interested in you. I’m talking about stuff like whether or not you have/can hold a job. Whether you have a mountain of debt. Whether you are badly obese. Whether you own your own car (outside of a city like New York of course). Whether your home is in a basically safe neighborhood. Whether you have a serious illness. Basically anything that is currently a big problem in your life now, that would have be a deal breaker when she first got involved with you.
Again… these are all things that you can’t Game your way out of. If she’s laying awake at night thinking about how you don’t have a job and the debt is piling up, and you’re 150 pounds overweight, she’s simply not going to respond to your cocky and funny routines as well as she could if you were in shape and there was $5,000 in the checking account. Just not happening.
So the solution is to fix those long term structural attraction issues. This may well take a long time and require huge effort, but it’s the only way to advance into the future with any degree of success.
Step Three – Rule Out Critical Moments and Neglect
Sometimes you just really screw up and it creates a moment of such negative emotion in her that she is wounded by it. Stuff like you didn’t come to the birth of your kid. Her best friend died and you went fishing. You hit her for whatever reason. Also if you ever cheated on her and she discovers it. You humiliated her in public for something. Anything that you were to an outside observer completely out of line. Likewise extreme long term ignoring of her – whether that’s by video game addiction, long hours at work, or endless travel, doesn’t matter. You’ve ignored her emotional needs for so long that she’s shut off from you.
In this case she’s emotionally withdrawn from you and holding herself back from you. She’s got her shields set to maximum and doesn’t want you to be happy either. She is deeply emotionally uncomfortable with you.
The solution is to apologize and be genuine about it. Often the initial problem stems from a lack of Beta attention, so whatever that lack was, you have to now supply. Note I said lack. If you’re already heavy Beta, you don’t just add yet more Beta.
Step Four – Rule Out Another Man
If she’s physically healthy, everything is basically running smoothly and there’s no big soul crushing moment dampening things, but the sex is minimal, she’s mentally absent and acting strangely… odds are there is another man involved. This will always be hidden from you as best she can, so you will need to play detective and scurry out the phone records, credit card statements, phone and text logs, Internet history and even have her followed to actively rule out another man being in play.
I know that’s horrible to think about, but I have learned to always ask the question about ruling out someone else. I am unfortunately right about this a regrettably high amount of the time. And yet again, this is not something that being cocky and funny will effectively work on. She’s not going to respond to you with high interest over some sexy moves, when the other man has her all jacked up on dopamine from illicit text messages and swapping nude photos. You must intervene firmly, swiftly and decisively.
The basic rule of thumb is that a woman torn between two men, will typically respond in the short term to the one making the strongest, most dominant and sexually aggressive play for her. This is why Nice Guy husbands who earn good money, have a nice home and generally provide her with the lap of luxury, lose out to “douchebag losers with nothing”. The Nice Guy husband begging for his wife to come home and generally being emotional about it, will loose out to a confident douchebag who just demands she cater to him. (Six months later when the glow wears off, douchebag is seen more clearly for what he is of course… then she can have serious regrets) Douchebag has a better Alpha profile and that’s what draws women in for affairs. This effect of most dominant male wins is also why cheated on husbands become physically enraged and experience an enormous desire for physical violence against the other man. Back in the Time Before Writing, that’s how Alpha dominance was figured out back then. The simple act of moving in on another man’s wife and risking violence is a sleeazy but powerful Alpha move.
Step Five – Game On
If everything else checks out, she’s likely just a bit bored and as soon as you start being goofy and groping, she’s going to light up and lap it up. Play some Sexy Moves out of the bag and you’re good to go. Alpha Beta Balance for the win.
If you have multiple areas of trouble, then you need to work on all of those areas as quickly as you can. Priority should be given to the earlier steps as much as possible and you shouldn’t expect a major sexual response until Steps One through Four are fairly well under control.
If Nothing Works
If everything checks out fine in Steps One through Four, and you’ve added Step Five and still nothing… it’s likely that you have a woman that will never experience a strong sexual interest in you. She might pop some interest in you when she ovulates, but once a month sex still means the criteria of a sexless marriage. So it’s pretty much game over. She’s just not interested in you that way. Classic signs of this is her offering an open marriage or saying you could get a girlfriend.