Reader: My wife has health problems and many times can’t take sex in the traditional way. I will get her to give me a partial bj (I call it that because she doesn’t take my in her mouth entirely, just stimulates the sensitive spot with her tongue and lips) because she doesn’t want cum in her mouth. I can get her to give me a hand-job which aren’t anything to write home about. I can jack off with her posing for me or dangling her tits in my face. Or, I’ll titty f**ck her. I guess my question for you guys, is titty banging a beta activity? It feels like it is for some reason. Secondly, a male masturbation toy, is it beta to use one or to have her use one on me since her hand jobs aren’t spectacular? Any thoughts?
Athol: It depends.
Doing whatever it is you like to have happen to get your rocks off is Alpha. You’re getting a woman to please you sexually, that’s Alpha. There’s also an element of erotic humiliation from having someone come on you that many women enjoy as well. Semen is a body fluid just as saliva is, but someone drooling on your breasts or spitting on your face is very likely experienced as a negative thing. But for some women having a man come on their ass, boobs or face is experienced as erotic.
Thus our “In you, or on you” rule in the Kay household. When I want to cum, I tell Jennifer what I want, how I want it and have it. That’s Alpha.
The flip side to that being that if Jennifer wants something too, I absolutely make sure her gets hers and goes to bed happy. That’s Beta.
It’s a common misunderstanding that being a sex god and making a woman orgasm is Alpha. It’s not, it’s Beta. It’s Beta because a male bringing a female to orgasm is triggering an oxytocin response in her, making her feel love, warmth and trusting of him. The Alpha part is there because a male using a female sexually for his own pleasure, is doing to trigger a dopamine response in her, making her feel excited and in love with his bad self. It may seem to be splitting hairs, but the distinction is important. And yes quite obviously you can both use a woman for your own pleasure and make sure she gets hers all in the same roll in the hay.
I suspect what you’re experiencing is a vague Body Agenda discontent from going a long time between vaginal sex. After about five days your standing army of sperm are all dead inside her and you’ll subconsciously want to fill her up with sperm again. For guys after about five days they experience increasing sexual anxiety to ejaculate inside their partner.
Because she’s struggling with illness, she may simply not be up for a long intercourse session, so the blowjobs and handjobs are workarounds to avoid ten minutes of being pounded on vaginally. So a work around may be an extended period of foreplay and entering her “ready to pop” and keeping it down to 10-20 seconds of intercourse. Provided she can tolerate that. You may find that relaxes you a little more.
The other issue is her poor handjob and blowjob skills. This takes a lot of patience and effort to address. You can’t simply say “You’re terrible at this” because that’s the last time you’ll get it. You can however communicate what works and what’s isn’t working. What you like her doing more than the rest. Experiment with different lubes. And if you haven’t tried her sitting on your face and jacking you off, it’s worth a try.