When She Makes Sudden Positive Changes… For Bullshit Reasons

When you start running the MAP and making real and positive changes to your life, eventually your spouse will notice. Whether they like those changes or not is a separate issue, but they do notice that you’re changing. What usually happens though is they tend to be aware of you changing for a while but ignore it figuring that it will simply go away. It’s not until it’s really reaching a serious tipping point that they suddenly start asking questions and acting like you’re really up to something. Or it can even be that they are pretending to ignore you changing, and quietly behind the scenes they are checking your credit card, phone and Internet browsing history trying to figure you out.

The point is, when you change because of running the MAP, you really do change because you’re up to something and your spouse really should pay acute attention to that. To be sure you are up to “good” rather than up to “no good”, but how is your spouse to know that until they check into it.

What you also have to be aware of though, is your partner running some variant of the MAP on you.

So when your wife suddenly loses thirty pounds, sure you say “great job honey”, but you also have to wonder why that is happening after all the prior diets failed. When your wife suddenly stops nagging you about everything and actually encourages you to go on that fishing trip all weekend, that’s great, but you also have to wonder why she’s being so nice. When your wife decides to get a job, that’s great because you’ve been asking her to do that for the last year-and-a-half, but you also have to wonder why she stopped resisting suddenly. When your wife suddenly seems interested in buying lingerie, that’s great, but you have to wonder why she’s acting differently. When your wife suddenly wants a lot more sex, out-of-the-ordinary sex, or wakes you up to have sex, you have to wonder why she’s suddenly so damn horny. Which is admittedly, kinda great.

All of those things are good things. I mean who wouldn’t love your wife to drop 30 pounds, stop nagging, send you fishing, add more money to the family income, buy lingerie and be all over you wet, willing and wild. She sounds like the full Jennifer does she not. Now all of those good things could be happening for “up to good” reasons, but they could also be happening for “up to no good” reasons. So you have to find out what the song she’s dancing to is.

What you’re looking for is some clear explanation for her behavior. If you get a good clear answer, that’s probably the real answer, if you get some kind of half-ass non-committal answer, you’re getting bullshit. She needs an explanation that explains her high motivation because her behavior required commitment. Examples.

She loses 30 pounds.

Good: I want to look good for the wedding. I was in a changing room and I overheard the sales girls laughing about my weight and I was so ashamed of what I’ve become. Because the heart attack scared the crap out of me. I have flesh eating bacteria.

Bad:  I don’t know, I just wanted to.  I don’t know, it’s just so easy and really working this time. Why are you asking, aren’t you happy I’ve lost the weight? I’m doing this for you.

Stops Nagging and Fishing Trip

Good:  Because I’ve discovered that when I nag you, you just dig in and it never gets done. I read about it in these books and it seems to be working because the things I was nagging you about, you’re actually doing now anyway. It took so much patience to do at first though. Because when I drag you to my stuff you hate it and ruin it for me, and I have no interest in fishing. This way we both win.

Bad:  I think we both just need our space. I’ve given up asking you to do anything.

Gets a Job

Good:  Because now our daughter has started Middle School and gets the bus, I don’t have to do the pick up and drop off routine twice a day. Because we’re starting to go backward on the credit cards, we’re fine for now, but we need more income.

Bad:  I just want to earn my own money. You’re not making enough money, so I have to go back to work. Because you wouldn’t buy me a boobjob.

Buys Lingerie

Good:  Because my sister told me if she could have changed one thing about her marriage, it was that she should have worn lingerie to bed once in a while. Apparently he asked her to a lot and she never did. Then I remembered how you used to ask too and I always said I feel too fat to wear it… and then you stopped asking. I’m just so scared of what happened to them happening to us. I look ridiculous though and this thong is making my asshole itch.

Bad:  I don’t know, I just like it now. I have to be really in the mood for it though. It was on sale.

Me So Horny

Good:  I’m reading 50 Shades of Grey and it’s getting to me lol. Since you got me that vibrator I’ve had more and more orgasms and I think I’m just on a roll with doing more and wanting more. The hormone patches are working. Because you just look so much better since you got in shape. I just discovered how much free porn there is on the Internet.

Bad:  Why do you have to ruin everything by asking a question like that?

So… if you see major or unusual changes in your spouse, and you get bullshit answers as the explanation for why that’s happening… dig deeper.  And likewise if you’re making positive changes running the MAP and are giving your wife bullshit reasons, don’t be surprised if she starts going all CSI on your ass behind the scenes. I mean that’s what I would tell her to do.

When Nice Guy Gifts Have Strings Attached

Nice Guys aren’t always as nice as they like to think they are. Being nice is often a calculated strategy to get pussy. The thought process is literally “I’ll do all this nice stuff for her, she’ll have to like me because I’m really nice and that’s what women want and react positively to, plus she’ll be socially obligated to be nice back to me because I was nice to her, so she’ll have to drop her pants for me, because that would be her being nice to me.”

Because that entire thought process is in his head and unstated, it’s what Dr. Robert Glover calls a covert contract. The Nice Guy is in fact running a form of Game on his target… it’s just a really ineffective variant of Game. But make no mistake, he’s after the same thing as an “asshole player type” is after.

So, if you pile on Beta support with the intention of her honoring an covert contract that she’s going to burst open like a pinata of sexual favors, you’ll probably be badly disappointed. If you didn’t explicitly make clear and come to a mutual agreement that if you’ll do X, she’ll do Y… she doesn’t have to do Y. In fact she may have no interest or intention of ever doing Y. If you get angry about being taken advantage because you did X and she never paid you back with Y of it’s understandable why you may dislike her actions, but you’re also a big part of why what happened went down.

Oh WTF!?!?!?  She just did Y with someone else she met at a bar two night ago. She told me she didn’t do Y with anyone unless she was in a long term relationship! Nnnnngggghhhaargh!!!

Anyway… a song. The passive-aggressive chumping is painfully dead on.

And yes of course she’s taking advantage of him because she’s aware of the covert contract in his head. He’d chew her out for that, but he still thinks that he has a chance.

When She Has Trouble With The Thought of Having a Captain…

Some snippets of Sundaylove from the forum.

“It gets so confusing to me because I read how women are supposed to ‘want’ to be submissive & let their hubby lead, etc..  For me, I feel idiotic & foolish when I imagine myself trying to take upon a lesser role than my husband.  For example, if I allowed this dynamic to take a real hold in my relationship, I’d feel like a kid always asking dad if this or that is okay. It just feels so ‘off’ for me.

I understand many women are fine & good with the Captain, First Officer roles. In fact, in some little ways we fall into this when it feels right- and it’s nice to have that. So I do get it.

I understand it comes down to trust for my man & that I have, to an extent. However when I’ve tried to be less head-strong & allowed him to lead how he wants, he has, on occasions abused the privilege & acted like a jerk. In turn, my defenses go up & that’s that. Other times though, I can defer to him on small things that don’t mean too much to me & he responds well.

But I wonder, if he never took advantage (in an asshole way) of the alpha male position, would I find it easier to sit comfortably in a less powerful position? Could our marriage be even better in this case?”

Athol:  It sounds like you’re actually attracted to the idea of the Captain and First Officer model and have had positive responses to him leading appropriately. But there is a serious problem in that he’s not going to be the best Captain right now. He has flashes of it, but that’s not enough for you… and that’s fine.

As I’ve tried to make clear, there is no requirement that anyone does this. It’s simply a model that I advance and explain because I think most couples would ultimately like it and find it worked well. The more important MMSL principle is that you don’t let yourself be abused or taken advantage of in your relationship.

So if you let him lead and he turns into an arrogant jerk that rides roughshod over you, then that isn’t something you can let happen. In fact I argue that it’s the job of a good First Officer to actually step up and take control if the Captain isn’t taking care of things. I think it’s fairly easy to see that blindly following anyone and handing over control of your life to someone that doesn’t care about you is basically asking to be taken advantage of.

I certainly don’t have Jennifer on a leash. We talk about the big stuff and I make the call and we do it. She has a job and things she likes and total access to the money yada yada yada. She even has 95% of the moderation power on the forum as I do. (To her vast relief she doesn’t have access to changing the coding of the forum lol.)  But day to day stuff, we’re fairly independent of each other. I don’t micromanage her for the same reasons I don’t play Farmville on Facebook. It’s boring as hell and seriously who has the time?

The most important element to being a good Captain is a sense of responsibility to the well being of the marriage and the First Officer. Should Jennifer and I ever split, I would consider myself more at fault than her.

The Captain and First Officer model is also a conscious one. You don’t simply make him your Captain without telling him what you’re up to. That’s all but asking him to misunderstand the dynamic you’re expecting of him. It’s something to talk about together before you agree to it. Also it took me around five years of thought and growth to accept the Captain and First Officer model for myself. Jennifer arrived to acceptance of it before I did. She certainly did before I had language to express it. So you don’t have to accept it by Tuesday either.

When She Has A Hereditary Genetic Disorder

[Minor editing to obscure the exact organ disorder per reader request]

Reader:  Athol,  I’ve been a big fan of your book and blog since the beginning – I congratulate you on your success.  It has helped me get through a very difficult part of my life, and gave me direction and answers to questions I didn’t even know I had. (Knowing alpha vs. beta = huge difference!)

I have a question for you that I haven’t yet seen anyone else address on your blog, but one that I think would greatly benefit your readers.

I’m in my early 30’s and I’ve been dating a wonderful woman for a year now, someone I consider marrying in the future.  She’s a great partner in life.  By that I mean, she’s very pleasing to be around, fun, has good values (so far), fantastic in bed, and due to her having been born and raised in a different country, isn’t tainted by the typical American feminist entitled views – she actually wants to contribute to the relationship and seeks out ways to make it stronger.

Nobody’s perfect – I accept her for who she is – and vice versa.  However, she has a hereditary genetic disorder [that will cause organ failure in about 30 years] unless we’ll be able to grow her a new one from her stem cells, which is a very real possibility, but just that – a possibility. She does her best to manage it long term with diet, exercise, low stress, which extends her life but doesn’t cure the disease.

The worst part is that it’s hereditary – our offspring have a 50/50 chance of getting it, unless we decide on genetic testing and in-vitro fertilization (~$30k+), with no guarantee that it’ll work.

From a male body agenda perspective, it’s a huge negative, since a) my potential wife may just pass away in 30 years and I’d have to spend retirement by myself w/o my life partner, b) our offspring will have a high chance of getting this disease and they will lose their mother when they’re also in their young 30’s.

On the flipside, it’s in my best interest to find a wife, who has the qualities I deem vital for a viable and very happy future. In her I see all the things that I always looked for and haven’t seen or found in anyone else – she makes me very happy (dedicated to family as much as I, spectacular in bed, giving and caring, loves adoring her strong husband, among a million other things).  As I said, she’s a life partner, a true catch – and I say that from as rational, level headed point of view (as opposed to an emotional one) as I can.  Not to sound like I have one-itis, I doubt there’ll be another one like her.  And that’s the huge plus – or in other words, a trade-off.

On one hand, I can attempt to find someone who fits the profile (i.e. healthy, smart, sexy, etc) but I will find out something else about them that’ll be a turnoff (as it’s inevitable) – or take my chances with her.  Which is what I’ve decided to do.

I’m very curious as to what you think, Athol?  I love her and see great things down the line, but the thought of potentially losing her in some time scared the crap out of me.  I came to terms with it, though.  With most people, you really don’t have much of a clue what they’ll die of (and most of the time, you don’t even think about it), but with her, you’re pretty certain.  I didn’t think facing her mortality at this point would happen – but it makes me appreciate every moment w/ her, and saddens at the same time.

I’d really appreciate a response from you. Look forward to your continued success.

Athol:  I think your mind is made up and there’s nothing I can say to persuade you otherwise. Which is not to say that I think you are wrong. If this is her only defect, it’s a judgment call.

She does sound good in every way but this. I think you just have to hope like hell that medical science advances in the next twenty years and [a new organ] can be grown from her stem cells and thus can be replaced.

Kids are amazingly expensive to raise. The $30,000 may only amount to 10% of the cost to raise the kid over it’s lifetime. So if you’re in for $300,000, does being in for $330,000 really make that much difference?

How much would the extra health care cost over the child’s life if you get unlucky on the 50/50? $50,000? $200,000? I think you might want to see the cost of in-vitro fertilization as almost like an insurance premium.

I would however make sure this something that is discussed and agreed upon before getting married. These are big decisions and you need to be able to move into the future together with a agreed upon plan. Perhaps instead of a big wedding, you have a small event explaining why, and put all the wedding budget and giftage toward the genetic testing and in-vitro. It’s a romantic tear-jerker of a story to tell and I suspect you’ll get a lot of helping hands. Besides that, shopping for wedding presents is a pain in the ass and the option to just write a check is great.

Passing the disorder onto your children would be a heavy burden to carry through life, both for you and for them. I can very much assure you that genetic matching and evaluation will play a role in dating and match making in the nearish future. If they have a hereditary genetic disorder, their life may be very lonely indeed twenty or thirty years from now. Take a peek at Genepartner and 23andme  for example. These are fairly crude now, but not crazy expensive. In a few decades they will be routine and quite accurate.

Personally I passed on pursuing an ill young woman as a potential wife. I wanted her so badly, but I could see the long struggles ahead so pulled back from her. A little while later I meet Jennifer and moved heaven and earth to be with her. Both were excellent decisions and I have no regrets. My life has been amazing with Jennifer.

Life can be random too. I knew a guy who married a perfectly healthy 22-year-old and breast cancer took her within two years. I had a 25-year-old friend killed when she was rear-ended at a red light by a drunk going over 60mph. I also know a guy who was given three months to live when he was born, and one year to live when he was twenty and still made it to age thirty-three before his luck ran out. When Jennifer was twenty-eight and our daughters were still just a baby and a toddler, her mammogram results were sent to our house instead of our doctor and the results bluntly and clearly stated “malignancy.” Jennifer sobbed herself to sleep in my arms every night while I had unstoppable daydreams about her withering away over the next year in pain and despair, leaving me alone with the girls. The biopsy results came back negative. Then much the same shit happened again eight years later.

All you can do is influence the odds in your favor as best you can, but there are no guarantees of anything. You have a difficult road ahead, but maybe the right road too.

And yes you do have Oneitis for her…

…but as long as she also has Oneitis for you, that’s not a bad thing. If you’re getting married, you’re both meant to be in love.

Check Check Check It Out

Following on from yesterday’s post

On the “Rule Out Medical” front, my advice to this reader was to really dig into the whole history leading up to and around the wife getting a hysterectomy. I.e., get thee to a doctor.

A few months later…

Reader: Hey Athol!

Took awhile to have enough info for a meaningful reply. The short recap was whether or not women can really have “low libido”. Wife had a hysterectomy in January. The gynecologist had placed her on a hormone patch immediately after surgery. Once we were through the healing period, I can say HORMONES ROCK! We went from sex every 7 – 10 days to sex 2-3 times a week. I had been worried about post-surgical vaginal dryness but the patch kept things wet when expected. If she forgot to replace the patch, she would get a little moody/bitchy. Sex would spread out farther. When the patch was off, she did not want sex and would be a real bitch. She even told me that she felt like this monster was inside her trying to say the most cruel things (when she was not on any hormones). In an effort to save money, my wife wanted to start using a transdermal gel instead of the patch. Sex went to once a week at best. Vaginal dryness became an issue. (Dry enough for her to say “let’s skip the fingering” when it usually “takes her there.”

In summary, I admit, sample size is only one, but my “study ” entailed a pre-hysterectomy, pre-menopausal 46 year old woman with no hormone supplement – low libido, infrequent sex, moody/bitchy/short-templered, adequate vaginal lubrication. Post-surgical with patch hormone replacement – libido significantly improved (closer to what it was 15 years ago), excellent vaginal lubrication, even-tempered (i.e. minimal bitchiness). When removed, she returned to low libido and bitchy. Transdermal gel – results were only marginally better than without gel – mild increase in libido, adequate vaginal lubrication and above normal moodiness/bitchiness.

So from this, I conclude: If your wife is mid-40′s she may, indeed have low libido AND moodiness due to hormonal ebb. GET IT CHECKED OUT. And also, if one type of hormone replacement does not seem to help, try one of the other types.

Thanks VERY much for your help! And by the way – the Forum was a great idea!  I love it!

Athol:  All this is a fabulous win. Ya’ll see how you can’t just “Game” a hysterectomy?

Plus now they both know the tune, his wife doesn’t have many excuses to use to avoid sex anymore lol. You’re welcome dear reader. You are welcome.

Anyway…

That’s right, I got Beastie Boys and post-hysterectomy hormone replacement therapy in the same post. I’m bigger than style bitches. I wore Ugg Boots once and started a craze. A drop of my sweat gets you laid for days. When I get a lap dance the stripper pays. I hit the juke box just right and the music plays. I’m p-p-pushing six k marital lays. But I sort the recycling just like she says.

 

Jennifer: Oy… he’s like that last paragraph in person. A lot. He is painfully slow at learning the recycling procedure lol.

How To Figure Out What Is Wrong In Your Sex Life

I got asked today what I do to determine the problem area in the basic problem of a wife not wanting sex. It’s an excellent question because it will determine the way you go about solving that issue too. It’s a five step process akin to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs where you need the bottom layers to be fulfilled in order to have the upper layer’s needs sought to be met. This is also why some guys get this near instant sexual explosion of interest from their wife as soon as they find MMSL, and some guys have a couple years of grinding out the MAP to make it go together.

Step One – Rule Out Medical

This is where I ask the questions about any medications, medical issues, birth control history and her all purpose general physical health. There are plenty of medical things that can nerf sex drive and ability to function sexually. You have to address this stuff first because there’s minimal benefit from running Game on a wife that just has zero sex drive and when she masturbates can no longer physically orgasm. You’re going to run your Alpha stuff and all the serotonin overload from her anti-depressants is going to flood out her ability to respond to it. Most anti-psychotics for example work by shutting down dopamine receptors in the brain, (which is also why most people on anti-psychotics have so little motivation to do anything) and you looking crazy hot is simply not going to trigger a dopamine response in her. It’s like she’s taking 200mg of I-Don’t-Give-A-Fuck.

If the problem is a medical issue, the solution is to seek medical attention and have it addressed. You simply can’t Game your way to a great sex life if the Mirena IUD inside her has completely stopped her sex drive. That being said, the health care system is increasingly an assembly line of care through too much asked of too few doctors. So you must educate yourself as fully as possible on your critical medical needs affecting your sex life. You can’t simply book a med appointment and hope for the best. You read up and ask questions. The entire goal of running the MAP may simply be to get her to seek medical attention for her issue.

Step Two – Rule Out Structural Attraction Issues

The structural attraction stuff is something you are lacking that 90%+ of all women would find a serious stumbling block to being interested in you. I’m talking about stuff like whether or not you have/can hold a job. Whether you have a mountain of debt. Whether you are badly obese. Whether you own your own car (outside of a city like New York of course). Whether your home is in a basically safe neighborhood. Whether you have a serious illness. Basically anything that is currently a big problem in your life now, that would have be a deal breaker when she first got involved with you.

Again… these are all things that you can’t Game your way out of. If she’s laying awake at night thinking about how you don’t have a job and the debt is piling up, and you’re 150 pounds overweight, she’s simply not going to respond to your cocky and funny routines as well as she could if you were in shape and there was $5,000 in the checking account. Just not happening.

So the solution is to fix those long term structural attraction issues. This may well take a long time and require huge effort, but it’s the only way to advance into the future with any degree of success.

Step Three – Rule Out Critical Moments and Neglect

Sometimes you just really screw up and it creates a moment of such negative emotion in her that she is wounded by it. Stuff like you didn’t come to the birth of your kid. Her best friend died and you went fishing. You hit her for whatever reason. Also if you ever cheated on her and she discovers it. You humiliated her in public for something. Anything that you were to an outside observer completely out of line. Likewise extreme long term ignoring of her – whether that’s by video game addiction, long hours at work, or endless travel, doesn’t matter. You’ve ignored her emotional needs for so long that she’s shut off from you.

In this case she’s emotionally withdrawn from you and holding herself back from you. She’s got her shields set to maximum and doesn’t want you to be happy either. She is deeply emotionally uncomfortable with you.

The solution is to apologize and be genuine about it. Often the initial problem stems from a lack of Beta attention, so whatever that lack was, you have to now supply. Note I said lack. If you’re already heavy Beta, you don’t just add yet more Beta.

Step Four – Rule Out Another Man

If she’s physically healthy, everything is basically running smoothly and there’s no big soul crushing moment dampening things, but the sex is minimal, she’s mentally absent and acting strangely… odds are there is another man involved. This will always be hidden from you as best she can, so you will need to play detective and scurry out the phone records, credit card statements, phone and text logs, Internet history and even have her followed to actively rule out another man being in play.

I know that’s horrible to think about, but I have learned to always ask the question about ruling out someone else. I am unfortunately right about this a regrettably high amount of the time. And yet again, this is not something that being cocky and funny will effectively work on. She’s not going to respond to you with high interest over some sexy moves, when the other man has her all jacked up on dopamine from illicit text messages and swapping nude photos. You must intervene firmly, swiftly and decisively.

The basic rule of thumb is that a woman torn between two men, will typically respond in the short term to the one making the strongest, most dominant and sexually aggressive play for her. This is why Nice Guy husbands who earn good money, have a nice home and generally provide her with the lap of luxury, lose out to “douchebag losers with nothing”. The Nice Guy husband begging for his wife to come home and generally being emotional about it, will loose out to a confident douchebag who just demands she cater to him. (Six months later when the glow wears off, douchebag is seen more clearly for what he is of course… then she can have serious regrets)  Douchebag has a better Alpha profile and that’s what draws women in for affairs.  This effect of most dominant male wins is also why cheated on husbands become physically enraged and experience an enormous desire for physical violence against the other man. Back in the Time Before Writing, that’s how Alpha dominance was figured out back then. The simple act of moving in on another man’s wife and risking violence is a sleeazy but powerful Alpha move.

Step Five – Game On

If everything else checks out, she’s likely just a bit bored and as soon as you start being goofy and groping, she’s going to light up and lap it up. Play some Sexy Moves out of the bag and you’re good to go. Alpha Beta Balance for the win.

If you have multiple areas of trouble, then you need to work on all of those areas as quickly as you can. Priority should be given to the earlier steps as much as possible and you shouldn’t expect a major sexual response until Steps One through Four are fairly well under control.

If Nothing Works

If everything checks out fine in Steps One through Four, and you’ve added Step Five and still nothing… it’s likely that you have a woman that will never experience a strong sexual interest in you. She might pop some interest in you when she ovulates, but once a month sex still means the criteria of a sexless marriage. So it’s pretty much game over. She’s just not interested in you that way. Classic signs of this is her offering an open marriage or saying you could get a girlfriend.

 

 

Is Coming On Her Breasts Beta?

Reader:  My wife has health problems and many times can’t take sex in the traditional way. I will get her to give me a partial bj (I call it that because she doesn’t take my in her mouth entirely, just stimulates the sensitive spot with her tongue and lips) because she doesn’t want cum in her mouth. I can get her to give me a hand-job which aren’t anything to write home about. I can jack off with her posing for me or dangling her tits in my face. Or, I’ll titty f**ck her. I guess my question for you guys, is titty banging a beta activity? It feels like it is for some reason. Secondly, a male masturbation toy, is it beta to use one or to have her use one on me since her hand jobs aren’t spectacular? Any thoughts?

Athol: It depends.

Doing whatever it is you like to have happen to get your rocks off is Alpha. You’re getting a woman to please you sexually, that’s Alpha. There’s also an element of erotic humiliation from having someone come on you that many women enjoy as well. Semen is a body fluid just as saliva is, but someone drooling on your breasts or spitting on your face is very likely experienced as a negative thing. But for some women having a man come on their ass, boobs or face is experienced as erotic.

Thus our ”In you, or on you” rule in the Kay household. When I want to cum, I tell Jennifer what I want, how I want it and have it. That’s Alpha.

The flip side to that being that if Jennifer wants something too, I absolutely make sure her gets hers and goes to bed happy. That’s Beta.

It’s a common misunderstanding that being a sex god and making a woman orgasm is Alpha. It’s not, it’s Beta.  It’s Beta because a male bringing a female to orgasm is triggering an oxytocin response in her, making her feel love, warmth and trusting of him. The Alpha part is there because a male using a female sexually for his own pleasure, is doing to trigger a dopamine response in her, making her feel excited and in love with his bad self. It may seem to be splitting hairs, but the distinction is important. And yes quite obviously you can both use a woman for your own pleasure and make sure she gets hers all in the same roll in the hay.

However…

I suspect what you’re experiencing is a vague Body Agenda discontent from going a long time between vaginal sex. After about five days your standing army of sperm are all dead inside her and you’ll subconsciously want to fill her up with sperm again. For guys after about five days they experience increasing sexual anxiety to ejaculate inside their partner.

Because she’s struggling with illness, she may simply not be up for a long intercourse session, so the blowjobs and handjobs are workarounds to avoid ten minutes of being pounded on vaginally. So a work around may be an extended period of foreplay and entering her “ready to pop” and keeping it down to 10-20 seconds of intercourse. Provided she can tolerate that. You may find that relaxes you a little more.

The other issue is her poor handjob and blowjob skills. This takes a lot of patience and effort to address. You can’t simply say “You’re terrible at this” because that’s the last time you’ll get it. You can however communicate what works and what’s isn’t working. What you like her doing more than the rest. Experiment with different lubes. And if you haven’t tried her sitting on your face and jacking you off, it’s worth a try.

The Forum Rocks!

Any time you do something new, you put in the effort, then you wait and see if people like it. You hope people like it, you think they probably will like it, but you still never quite know until the curtain goes up and it’s showtime.

Fly baby forum, fly. Please fly…. flappy flappy, you can do it…

Anyway…. wow… holy crap…

The MMSL Forum is doing not just well, but doing astoundingly well. I know it’s just Day 1 but it’s already getting twice as many page views as the blog is. The blog took two-and-a-half-years to get to this point, and Day 1 the Forum kicks it’s ass and steals it’s girlfriend.

Well over a hundred people already signed up for membership and there’s already some great content added by them. I’m very grateful to you all. I signed up for the “medium” cost platform with my host and Day 1 stats suggest that bandwidth is going to be easily reached in the first month. So that’s a happy problem to try and sort out.

So anyway, the MMSL forum is already a success and it’s going to be an epic success. Go take a peek.

The MMSL Forum Is Now Open

There’s still some odds and ends to tweak, but the forum platform is essentially good enough to just push play and have at it. It’s a fairly comprehensive platform, so lots of bells and whistles to play with. There’s a link in the header on the blog and/or you can just jump to it here.

One of the things that I’ve been doing a great deal behind the scenes is answering emailed questions, and my intent is that the forum becomes the arena for that. I think more people would use the forum to ask questions rather than emailing me direct, so more people will end up helped. Also there are many MMSL readers in much the same boat as each other, so there can be a lot of cross-helping.

Forums do eat up serious bandwidth once they get going, and I went for hosting/software that would hopefully stand the test if time and be fun to work with. It’s not trillions of dollars out of my pocket, but there is an expense.  Many, many, many people have asked for a donation option to support MMSL over the years, but I’d rather actually offer something more tangible than an open hand and puppy dog eyes. So one of the things on the to-do list is to add a forum/MMSL supporter membership option. There’s a Harry Potter-like “Room of Requirement” that’s completely invisible on the forum except to a certain level of membership role. So the idea is a two tier forum of free = public and paid = public + private. For now though, it’s simply the public bit that’s ready to go.

Anyway…  go have at it.

Jennifer:  I’m already the second most powerful person on the forum lol!  I demanded the right to be the first official ”member”, but I got the First Officer promotion and have monitoring/access to the all the dashboard privileges apart from the self-destruct button.  I’ll be doing lots of lurking and some commenting…feel free to ask me questions along the way.

Women and Conspicuous Displays of Wealth

Some comments from yesterdays post on the very expensive and dramatic vacation planning…

Holdingallthecards: @Jennifer: I know you work, so don’t you have your own savings account for things like weekend getaways with girlfriends or just your daughters? Time apart is healthy in a marriage (the amount varies per couple), and there is no rule that says every vacation has to be spent with a spouse (especially when they’re the homebody). Besides, if the money comes from your own savings, it’s your budget, too. The only one to say yes or no is you.

Jennifer:  From the beginning of our marriage we’ve always had joint finances…I mean even if we had “separate” accounts we’re legally joined in all things financial etc. when it all comes down to it anyway. I personally would see it as divisive to have a “this is mine, this is yours” setup to our finances. We are a team, we make financial decisions as a team, we have team finances.  

I prefer to spend our hard earned money on vacations as a family…sure we both like an afternoon to ourselves once in a while (the introvert thing) but I have no interest in going away without Athol. I enjoy spending time with him and our daughters, and it really wouldn’t be any fun obsessively planning a trip that I couldn’t experience with them. And realistically, the one to say yes or no is the budget…if I plan some sort of blow-a-lot-of-money weekend, whether for myself/friends or the family, that’s not responsible of me and I wouldn’t end up having fun.

Athol:  We had a three year long distance relationship as our engagement and we’ve had our fill of being apart.

Otherwise if we wanted to play the game where all the money we earn belongs to us as individuals, rather than the marriage, Jennifer would have to learn to pitch a tent, and I’d have some quite lovely trips to the islands.

Well maybe not quite that dramatic lol, but you get the idea.

Beta Tester:  The problem I have with vacation is there is virtually NO sex. I have 2 little cock blockers around day and night. If we go camping we have to wait till they are asleep and it is late enough so none of the other campers will hear (I bet they still do). If we go to a hotel or stay with someone, forget it. The kids are in the room or we can’t have sex in a bed that is not our own.  That said there has been the rare adventure. Once in a rental minivan outside Disney. Another time on a remote beach in a northern state. Another time we did it on a couch in a basement cause ya can’t use the bed in someone else house.

I do have a question with letting her plan the vacations though. Are you giving up your Captain’s seat to the First Officer? My wife also likes to go on vacations. When I was all beta, she would take the kids and her mother on vacations without me. Since I have been running the MAP, my wife has been running fewer shit tests. This year I made the vacation plans and am making the arrangements. She will still have to do her fair share of the packing, I am just taking my command back. I have limited days off from work. I am making dam sure I get to use them how I want.

Athol:  I kinda find outwitting the clockblocks fun lol. It’s actually kind of easy now that they’re older and can be sent on errands together, or can play somewhere unsupervised for a while. Eldest can drive next year, so that’s pretty much an open dunk for getting them out of our hair.

I think you perhaps misunderstand the First Officer role a little. The First Officer is meant to be completely capable of “having the bridge”. Jennifer and I share a great deal of the decision making, but I take a final responsibility for us as a family, and tend to make the final / bigger decisions. She’ll probably come back with a dozen possible options for things to do and we’ll narrow it down to the things that work out the best for everyone. As it turns out, part of our trip is work related for me, and Jennifer and the girls will be out and about a lot doing fun stuff together that I don’t have much interest in anyway.

Also Jennifer is better at finding things to do and good deals than I am, so I just let her do her thing. She is very bright ya know. I don’t micromanage her because she doesn’t need it. If she needed to be micromanaged it would be because she’s stupid and that would drive me crazy. Plus it’s not like you can fix stupid.

RedPillAwakening:  I’ve never understood why my wife feels like whatever we do to spend time together doesn’t count unless it somehow drains our bank account. Suggestions I make for activities that don’t cost anything (or don’t cost much) always get shot down, without fail. Sometimes I think if she had to bust her ass to earn the money she might learn to be a lot more careful with it. I finally got us out of credit card debt after many years, but I have had to become a hard-ass just to make ends meet.

Athol:  Because for most women it’s about bragging rights and assuring their place in the female pecking order. Look at the great thing my vagina got for me, much better than the thing your vagina got for you. You know why that is? It’s because my vagina is better than your vagina and don’t you forget it. Advantage me…

Women are interested in high income provider mates, and actually landing one means she is a higher Sex Rank female compared to others. Outranking other females provides social benefit for her, but it also requires a conspicuous display of wealth to communicate that effectively. She can’t just say, “Well Harold is awfully well off, but it’s all locked up in investments at the moment.” and have the other women fawn over her because it’s not terribly believable. She can however say, “Harold took me to Paris and we stayed in the Ritz and ate here and here and it was fabulous! Well let me tell you, just as I thought it was finished, he got me this amazing necklace!! He refused to tell me what he paid for it, but I called up the jewelry store he got it in and asked them how much I should insure it for! Anyway then he’s all moody because I didn’t give him a blowjob that day…”

Women want objective proof to display the value of their mate, because their value is based on it in part. It’s the same thing as husbands wanting a hot looking wife to show off to their friends. See that big titty blond on my arm? That’s right… I’m the man.