Still Running The MAP

I’ve been at a marriage conference in Baltimore all week. It’s been… yeah… it’s been interesting I guess. I knew going in that I would be getting a lot of Blue Pill goodies, but at least it was going to be top shelf Blue Pill. This was a group of extremely well intentioned, smart people and I did like them, but it was agonizing how close they would come to really getting the Red Pill stuff… and then suddenly like a rubber band was around their waist, get snapped back cartoon-style to the fluffy pink pillows.

I did toss out a few Red Pill responses to questions during seminars… “musical chairs while everyone is naked” went down like a lead balloon. I think they might have called security if I had said “cock carousel” lol.

I think the one stand out point though was the elephant in the room of never once was it discussed… not even in passing… not by a single presenter… what makes a woman attracted to a man and makes her want to strip her panties off for him.


… I had a total of five different people email/facebook/forum message me the exact same message…. dude you have to put the stuff about “if you do nothing else, get into the weights room” right at the front of the book.”

Round of applause for your bad selves readers… you’re more on point about what makes a marriage work than the experts.

Anyway, I wasn’t really expecting to learn much new apart from a Beta skills refresher course, my goal was to case the joint for next year and see how a couple dozen programs roll out their stuff and look at their material. It also gets my attention when one of the presenters had received $10,000,000 federal funding to teach relationship skills in workplace settings. Though I suspect if I got federal funding, they’ll want me to stop using words like “pussy”… and I don’t think I could go on without pussy.

Okay, okay… you bring the money in the wheelbarrow, and I’ll compromise and call it “soft kitty.”

The truth is I’ve been struggling enormously with focus since about… February. Everything just caught up to me and I’ve felt worn out and empty. I injured my right elbow a few months back and that’s only just coming right now. But I’ve kind of enjoyed the perfect excuse not to exercise because Diablo 3 came out and that’s been fun for a while, but wearing out now thanks to endless disconnects. All this just as I stop nursing and go MMSL full-time. I’ve been so tired that even though I wrote two books in just over a year, I’ve struggled with feeling like a failure as revising the Primer slips away from my inner timetable deadlines. But the worse I feel, the worse my writing gets… so forcing it is problematic.

Anyway… it’s been really good to be in a room of several hundred pro-marriage professionals and yet still get this sensation of being the black sheep in the family. I have dreams about bending them all to my frame, or at least enough of them to make a serious difference, but the reality is all my smarts won’t matter a damn unless I have a six-pack abs and muscles to sell my message. The messenger is the message. I’ve always had oodles of cuddly Beta Traits, I think the last three years of my life have gotten the Alpha Traits in place, so the next thing is to really work on the physical. I’m starting to come to the conclusion that I’ve been somewhat off the mark talking about having an Alpha+Beta balance, it’s really Alpha+Beta+Physique.

Oh… Jennifer and the girls came with me. We did Washington DC and the National Mall on the weekend and then while I was in conference they did stuff all over Baltimore Inner Harbor area. We finished off the trip with Medieval Times which is essentially like watching wrestling but with horses and a chicken dinner. I have to say our Red Knight was particularly handsome and the Kay daughters were visibly disappointed when the Yellow-and-Red Knight proved to be representing the VIP seating and Red-the-handsome took a dive was slain in a MIGHTY BATTLE. Girls liking watching boys fighting… lmao who knew?!

Jennifer is growing out her fringe (Jennifer: For those non-Kiwi’s in the audience, that’s my bangs) to get the full long hair deal. She’s in that horrible phase of just looking like she’s too poor to afford a haircut. It will look good in a few more months though. For now she’s got it pinned back in a style I’ve decided to call “The Polygamous Commune Look”.

I guess I need to tie all this up into a point…

The point is that while I have fans, friends and followers, for which I am truly grateful, I’m still running my own MAP myself. I’m still trying to get better. It’s hard work but it’s slowly paying off and when you reach a major milestone it might not feel as awesome as you think it might. Being over tired makes us all cowards and cranky. It’s okay to take some time off, but you can’t quit entirely. When you look back you do feel good about the milestones. Hopefully as you get your crap together, she follows along too. If you get stalled out, just work on a different area of the MAP.

And always try and be the guy representing the VIP seating.


The Ultimatum Always Sucks

One of the most annoying misunderstandings people can have about MMSL is that I’m encouraging people to run gung ho to an ultimatum of “Pussy or GTFO”.

Well yes indeed I am saying to work toward a relationship where you get your needs meet, or don’t stay in it. Which if your need is sex, can indeed be summed down to “Pussy or GTFO”. But it’s in no way a snap judgment call. If anything I’m encouraging a very slow trickling run up to the ultimatum putting anything and everything in place to attracted the wife’s sexual interest before the fork in the road. Far more frequently than not, the ultimatum is never even reached as she finds her interest in him revving up and her vagina comes out of cold storage.

But ultimately… there may need to be an ultimatum. It’s the final thing you try… that’s what ultimate means.

And it fucking sucks.

Please go read Phase Four at LTRistry

No really. No read it. I’ll wait.

As you can see he’s basically issuing an ultimatum and it’s tearing his heart out. It’s one of those to good to leave, too bad to stay things. My hunch is that it’s over and even if she tries to comply… she doesn’t really want to. You shouldn’t have to issue an ultimatum to someone to get them to have a child with you. They’re meant to look up at you doe-faced and glassy-eyed as you fuck them into motherhood. At least for the first couple of tries anyway.

It’s hard to watch it all playing out too. MMSL is wicked good fun when one of my boys breaks into the endzone and does the touchdown dance, but once in a while you see them get crunched in a heavy tackle and it’s not nearly as fun. You just hope they get up.

Also have a read of Badger with Don’t Let Temporary Discomforts Hold You Back From Making Tough Decisions


Fights About Nothing Are Fights For Control Of The Marriage

Athol:  Most fights in marriage aren’t really about anything other than establishing / maintaining who is in charge.

Pegala: Hey Athol, this feels like a very significant observation – could you expand on it in a blog post some time please?

Athol:  It all comes back to the thing of social dominance and submission. Bearing in mind that dominance and submission are woven into the fabric of everyday life in a very subtle way. Things as simple as who goes through a doorway first rely on subtle social cues of who the dominant person is. Dominance and submission isn’t all whips and chains and people wearing ball gags.

There is always in any social group, even a group of just two people, a leader of the group. Thus in any marriage, there is always someone more in charge than the other – typically it’s going to be the one that has a higher Sex Rank than the other. A major reason I advise running the MAP to increase your Sex Rank is to become the more dominant person in the marriage, and thus take more control over it and get more of your needs and/or demands meet by your partner.

However in most marriages, who is the dominant partner and who is the submissive partner isn’t set in stone. One may be more dominant than the other in a certain area and vice versa in other areas. Where the balance of power is finely balanced however, it’s very natural to expend greater effort in debate for no other reason than to establish and/or maintain your dominance over your partner. So senseless little fights “about nothing”, aren’t actually about nothing… they are about keeping your dominant frame in place.

If you yield the ground repeatedly over “fights about nothing”, you establish that your partner is in fact the dominant partner. After all, they get their way all the time. So when something more important comes long to debate, you’re at a disadvantage because you’re the submissive partner by default. Sometimes the dominant partner even drums up fights about nothing for the submissive partner to defer to, just to keep their dominance acknowledged. This is in no small part related to Fitness Testing… please jump through this hoop for me… which only frames you are the guy who jumps through her hoops.

So fights about nothing, are always fights about something.

A major plus to the Captain and First Officer model is that it side steps needing all these fights about nothing to maintain the dominant partners dominance. Once one partner is acknowledged as the Captain by the words and actions of the First Officer… the Captain doesn’t have to bully the First Officer into staying in the submissive role. The Captain can actually allow a lot more leeway with ensuring the First Officer is well taken care of, because it won’t undercut his dominant frame for the bigger decisions.

The Captain can also more easily listen to the First Officer bringing up concerns, because they aren’t going to be viewed as potential attempts to Fitness Test him or otherwise vie for dominance. The Captain can more easily let his guard down with his First Officer. Likewise the First Officer doesn’t have to drum up drama to gain attention and to be heard. It’s just less effort and stress all around. Having a clear Captain can also resolve all the longstanding fights about nothing too. He can establish basic behavior minimums and direct the First Officer to take an action that ends a stalemate.

The irony of the Captain and First Officer model is that it actually gives women the Blue Pill stated desires of a “nice guy who really listens, pays attention to you and helps out”, but does so by way of acknowledging his dominance over her. Welcome to Red Pill paradox. Mostly though, Jennifer and I can’t stand the idea of going through married life together feeling like we’re both “lawyering up” over endless little bits of nothing. Just give me the gavel and let me bang this stuff out.

Jennifer: You know, we argue so infrequently that I hadn’t actually ever thought about what effect those “fights about nothing” can have. It’s so true.


How Do You Get Past Your Anger About Women?

Cutting and pasting to create the question. “Typical Male” is a forum member.

Typical Male:  I am sometimes surprised at how much anger I carry from all that rejection during dating.  Even now, you try chatting up a normal looking woman in the supermarket and she gives you the blow-off.  Bam there’s another one. When I read articles now about females getting older and that they cannot find quality men to marry.  I just wanna scream.    I know I shouldn’t care.  I know i gotta just get over it.  But it’s still there.

Perhaps this post was inspired by the feeling that it sucks beyond belief to be rejected by 5 females just to get a date with 1. This post makes It feels good to know that Karma is alive and well. That those girls that would not give me the time of day in high school are now fat ugly cows and I am so glad that things did not work out between them and me. And now *I* would never give *them* the time of day. Most every man I know carries some level of bitterness of these countless rejections. Knowing that men become more eligible as the age and women less eligible is satisfying. It’s like watching another car doing 100 MPH pass you by on the highway and then you passing them as they get pulled over for speeding by the state police.

Females do not carry this bitterness because they don’t have to do any asking out for dates. Females don’t get rejected in that way. What makes it more galling is that I have always been a good-quality, high earning potential (actualized now), standup man. Women ignored me and could not have cared less about those qualities. It was only after I learned asshole game, became selfish and arrogant, that I got female attention. Go figure.

I’m happily married for 25 years so this is all water under the bridge to some extent. But it leaves a mark.

Do you have any pent up rage like this?

Athol:  I think I have been very fortunate to have learned the Red Pill in a very user-friendly manner. Yes indeed I’ve been shat on in dating situations in the early days quite firmly. I’ve been lost and confused as to why different girls just weren’t interested in me. Three years of long distance waiting for Jennifer can be just as easily seen as the most pathetic desperation and oneitis, as it can be seen as a wonderfully romantic story of love and commitment.

I also got very lucky with Jennifer being the way she is, she was a genuinely sweet, caring and undamaged girl, from a good family, virgin, smart, active, in shape and all the rest. I was also lucky in that I quite unwittingly did some amazingly Alpha things with Jennifer that I’d never done with anyone else. I think we match up genetically very well and we both just activated on the other and that was that. I was different with Jennifer than I had been with prior girlfriends. A decent part of me learning the Red Pill was realizing I had a good thing and tried to reverse engineer what that was.

But I’ve not had that crushing divorce experience. I’ve not been cheated on. Our two girls are mine. The sex is good. Jennifer holds up her end of the marriage. So I’ve not been down the razorblade studded slide that some men have had to experience.

That being said, I’m quite familiar with pent up rage. I was taken advantage of in my job fairly badly for quite some time. As I’ve said a few times on the blog, me running my own MAP was very much along the lines of making MMSL my exit strategy from my employer. I did Phase One, Two, Three… and then had my supervisor try and give me a ranting Phase Four ultimatum (Literally… “you will X and like it, or get out”)… to which I calmly advanced into Phase Five… and Six and here I am in Seven. Watching your female supervisor have a hysterical fit at you like you were dumping her is a bizarre experience. I didn’t so much quit my job as divorce them lol. So I didn’t really get angry, angry over all that. I just ran a long term plan and executed it. They had literally forced me into having to find more income, wouldn’t let me work overtime, so I had to “look outside the marriage” so to speak. In the end I simply wasn’t going to stay and be screwed over. I mentally checked out of the situation years ago, I kinda feel sorry for them, but even that’s fading into blanket disinterest.

The one thing that I have struggled with rage over though is my departure from Christianity. And no I’m not getting into why I left the faith, beyond making it clear that I did so for nothing more than no longer believing. I’m a truth and honesty guy. Nor is being an atheist a source of being angry, it’s the ex-Christian bit that does that.

 After having spent age 16 to 25 being extremely committed to faith and plotting a career of full-time Christian ministry, I left the faith with what amounted to a fairly well ruined educational plan in terms of earning an income. I had to return to school to get a nursing ticket. Also being someone with a very high sex drive, my entire justification for jumping through the virginity-until-marriage hoop was my belief in Christianity. Once that was gone, I felt I’d lost a great deal of opportunity for enjoyment and my religion had destroyed my sex life. I could also look back at my best prior girlfriend and release that when she had green-lit me having sex with her, I did the good Christian thing and declined… and she tore me apart by Fitness Test after Fitness Test after that. If I had dropped my pants and nailed her, who knows what would have happened. Maybe good, maybe bad. But I know now why I lost her.

So whether or not you agree with my belief or lack of belief doesn’t matter. All I know is I couldn’t set foot in a church for about a decade without this seething coming to a slow boil inside of me. All those wasted years. All that nonsense crammed down my throat. My stolen sex life. Some of the things I had done in the name of belief I’m not proud of either.

But I don’t feel that rage now. I think I feel more of a sense of the pangs of memory of distant times. There were plenty of good times along the way and I went along with them at the time. I was young then.

What I have found to be the cure for anger, is understanding.

Assuming they aren’t sociopaths, once you start to really understand why someone “did something horrible to you”, often you can discover misguided attempts to do the right thing. Or more commonly, just going about the business of trying to get their own needs met.

My girlfriend wasn’t a Fitness Testing bitch… she was just a hot girl trying to figure out if I was the one for her. I wasn’t.  The church people I ran with weren’t out to ruin my career path and cheat me out of a sex life… they are in fact a bunch of quite nice people who earnestly and genuinely believed they were doing the right thing. We don’t agree on some stuff, but I do quite miss some of my old friends. My old nursing job is stuck with a never-ending task of every year trying to do more, with less. It’s the economy more than anything. There was some anger on their side because I was getting out of there and leaving them behind.

What I have found to be the cure for anger, is acceptance.

Also a lot of the worst things that have happened to me, have come with a silver lining. A little gift of something that somehow plays a role in what is happening now. For example my real estate career attempt… I really tried… turned into a dismal failure. I quit my nursing job way too soon and crashed and burned. When I left to do MMSL, I took my time until I had a proper income already happening. I also wrote a real estate blog for about 18-20 months that got some decent attention and if nothing else proved I could write. When I started MMSL I knew what I was doing with the blog and it made a big difference. Not bad for a guy who had a high school English grade of 55%.

My stolen youthful sex life… has in no small part helped with my marriage to Jennifer. It’s a fine line between fucking monogamy and fucking monogamy! some days, but Jennifer is my greatest joy. Our three year long distance trauma makes us appreciate being together just a little more somehow. It’s given us a magical story to tell as well.

What I have found to be the cure for anger, is getting into action and giving.

Look I’ll admit it. I actually feel deeply spiritual some days now. That’s come from finally turning my life around from being a more passive victim of my fate and only sucking in information, and changing to someone actively trying to give something back. When someone comes to me a mess and leaves with a plan and hope… and it works… it’s an amazing feeling. I think 90% of my own gaming of Jennifer is now is just showing her reader email.

What I have found to be the cure for anger, is hope.

Your anger is a message to your conscious self that something is wrong. Figure out what the problem is and set about fixing it. Things can get better, or at the very least you can try to make them better and know you tried. Anger wants to do something about what ever is wrong. If you have anger without the hope of solution and you do not try, the anger has no place to go but cycle around inside you turning into a dark rage. Rage can be expressed, but only grows stronger for the expression.

What I have found to be the cure for anger, is apologizing.

Because if only in part, sometimes it really was your fault.


Joan Rivers: This is What They Want!

There’s a Red Pill for women just as there’s one for men. Some clips of Joan Rivers from the archives in 1967 and 1974 talking about declining Sexual Marketplace value and what men really want in a wife. It’s quite tame by today’s standards, but the self-depricating humor is only mostly convincing that she isn’t also experiencing a subtle pang of bitter rage.

The rules of the Sexual Marketplace haven’t changed. The players might be exploring a number of new and different strategies, to see if they can somehow gain an advantage, but it’s still the same old song and dance. Men are attracted to youthful beauty. End of story. Don’t waste the pretty.

…and something more modern. About 2004 I think. Interesting that a couple of the 1967 and 1974 jokes make it into the 2004 set because they still work. The rules didn’t change.