When The Dark Side Offers You A Cookie

Athol:  I said if you follow the MAP, there will always be The Test…

Here’s how it plays out. You sister-in-law, your wife’s best friend, your female work friend, the chick behind the counter at Starbucks, one of the Mom’s at your kids school… say she’s a 6 or a 7. See before when you were a 6, you were off the market and she wasn’t interested in you. Pulling you off your wife would have taken a lot of effort, and lets face it, you were just a 6.

But now… now you’re an 8, that’s a whole different deal. She’s interested in you. She can’t help it as attraction isn’t a choice. She may not even be consciously aware of it, but you are far more interesting to her sexually now. Women throw off dozen’s of small signals of sexual interest that the alert man can notice…

Here’s one of the forum members talking about his test..

Eagleclaw:  Working the MAP – things are better with wife but not yet where I want them to be – but a work in progress which is all good. Here’s the scary part. I’ve started attracting other people more so. To the point that I had one family friend sending propositions, pics, the whole bit. She’s hot, I’m hugely attracted, and it was very difficult to get my head on straight and not proceed. Cuz, my wife is more immune to me that others. So I’m not getting that kind of attention from her yet. This other person hit EVERY button perfectly. Consumed my thoughts, imagination and said everything any man would want to hear. In the end, it’s still a temptation…. but I used it to make myself more aware of what I was missing with my wife… and applied that enthusiasm back toward my wife.

My point is this. Just as Athol points out…. this is a likely situation to come. And as much as you think you are ready… or can control yourself. If you have been lacking something for a long time and someone mounts a coordinated attack hitting on your weak spots simultaneously….. it is very very difficult to not get caught up in it. This serves as a reminder to expect it… be ready for it… maybe use it a little to gains some sex rank… but be very mindful and careful. It’s sometimes hard to stay on course.

Athol:  So here’s the question…some now? Or can you stick it through to a hopefully better ending?

And note that Eagleclaw doesn’t even seem to be looking for particular attention from this woman. His disinterest is being received as some sort of aloof game lol. She’s hitting on him. If you have the structural stuff in place and running smooth, women will be likely to approach you.

Unleashing Your Inner Bitch

An old saying that I just made up is “Scratch a lady, find a whore.”

Most married women try pretty hard to be good girls and squish down the simmering primal desires inside of them. In reality, about 60% of the time the Rationalization Hamster is doing things like convincing them to not put a toddler down for a nap by way of a choke hold. 30% of the time it’s trying to figure out what’s for dinner. Only 10% of the time is it trying to figure out how to get some other dude’s semen without being caught by their husband. So relax, it’s really not as bad as you think.

So without further ado ladies, put your hamsters in neutral, relax, sit back and live your primal impulses out vicariously for the next two minutes through ascended master Lois Griffin.  (NSFW)

Anyway…

…I’m not saying add the whole Lois Griffin to your personality, because that two minutes was nothing but her moments of being Batshit Crazy from ten seasons of Family Guy. But she is kinda hot, and if you can admit to yourself you actually enjoyed watching it, maybe you should let your hair down just a little more.

If you wanna know why your husband isn’t paying attention to you, maybe it’s because you’re a little boring. If you’re a total pushover for him, actually testing him a little can be kinda fun for both of you. It’s all about finding the balance. Mixing the Alpha fun and sexy play with the Beta comfort of home and hearth. Always balance.

Unless of course some bitch is putting moves on your man…

Jennifer:  We’re not all high strung drama queens. This is something I’ve had to work on. Some of it is just standing up for yourself and some of it is actually demanding what you want. I’m a stronger person overall these days.

New Rule: Funerals and Reunions

New Rule: If there’s a funeral, and there’s out of state travel involved, either you both go, or you both stay home. Same deal with reunions too I’d say. You both go or you both stay home.

Let’s just say I’ve had this post floating around for a couple weeks and I’ve written it out a couple times and deleted just as many. I had a quite angry couple of days on behalf of someone I know and that’s about all I’m willing to say.  Not even a “five minutes of Alpha” deal either. That would have made so much more sense.

If anyone wants to complain about my “paranoia” about cheating, lets just say this one was pretty much out of the blue and even I was kinda shocked. I really would like to think the best of people, but some days they disappoint me.

Anyway, I keep writing and ranting and deleting. So that’s about it. Good grief I hate the mess cheating causes.

Break The Premarital Sex Rules, Win Valuable Prizes

Reader:  Hi Athol, I’ve reading your blog for a few months now and I’ve gone through some of the archives but I have not seen this question addressed although I’m sure it has.  Do you need to have sex before marriage in order to know you will enjoy sex with that person later?  To know that you have “chemistry”?  Or is all that is needed is two willing partners willing to work towards pleasing each other?  So that in essence, you could have good sex with anybody.

Thank you for your time.

Athol: In short, most penises fit into most vaginas, so it will probably be just fine. If you’ve kissed each other a ton and you feel you have chemistry when you do that, you’ve got chemistry.

But… day-um marriage is high stakes poker these days. So I’m just going to go out on a limb and assume you have, or are about to have, a fiance, and you’re from a conservative religious background.

So….

Rather than reach into the morality bag for a large stick to beat you with, let’s just say that the plan to wait until marriage is called the Virginity Strategy. The basic plan being that if you wait until marriage, you arrive unsullied, without baggage, without bad experiences and with all that pristine sexuality, you and your bride merge easily and happily into a really high quality sexual relationship.

The good news is that really can be all true. The Virginity Strategy really can work out really well for a couple. But it’s not a perfect plan and some people end up with dramatic sexual failures as a result. Sometimes you discover some kind of unknown sexual incompatibility. Sometimes the Virginity Strategy is purposely used by one half of the couple as a smoke screen to hide a known sexual dysfunction or non-heterosexual orientation. I know of several couples where the husband was discovered to be gay after the wedding, one case of micropenis, multiple cases where the wife refused nearly all sexual contact with her husband after the wedding due to prior undisclosed rape trauma. All pretty major problems resulting in the marriage being an epic fail. I’d love to be able to stay that the Virginity Strategy is a perfect strategy, but it’s only a pretty good one.

So my advice is to adhere to the Virginity Strategy, but cover the risks inherent in it by having sex during the engagement. If you want to save intercourse for the wedding night, that’s fine by me, but you should at least have an understanding of how to get each other off before the wedding. You should see that each other has a working set of bits and you’re not marrying into an obvious sexual failure.

The Teachman study suggests the primary benefit of “not having sex before marriage” is the low partner / cohabitation count as opposed to the waiting for marriage part. So if your partner count is just one, whether your wife became your sex partner before or after you married her, has no real effect on the marriage outcome. The benefit is that you married your one and only.

With Jennifer and myself, we did have sex before marriage. Frankly I think that was absolutely vital for us to be bonded to each other to have survived our long distance courtship. To be quite blunt, I think a number of my girlfriend relationships fell apart because I wasn’t having sex with them. I’m pretty damn sure that my first serious girlfriend and I had that as a issue. So sexual activity with Jennifer was I think a key part in making it to the wedding. Yeah we broke the goody-two-shoes rules and it worked out just fine for us.

I also know of a few couples that “did the right thing” and waited during the engagement and one half of the couple simply became impatient with waiting and started having sex with someone else. Yes indeed they cheated and were in the wrong for doing so, but I also think if the other set of rules were broken and they were actually getting laid by their future spouse… it all was much less likely to have turned into a cheating situation. To be blunt, it’s a highly unnatural situation for a young couple to not have sex together for an extended amount of time. There’s a fine line between being “sexually moral” and “modeling sexual dysfunction.”

Bearing in mind that I am an atheist when I say this… a wedding ceremony provides a trivial amount of genuine bonding compared to your biological response to each other during sex. Or as the bible puts it, when you have sex together you become “One Flesh.” So if you want the religious viewpoint, One Flesh trumps anything that happens in the church. Not just by a little bit… by a lot.

What happens in a church wedding, legally bonds you to your spouse in multiple and serious ways. With some degree of irony, what actually happens in a church wedding is simply the frosting covering over a quite worldly contract and you really should have a lawyer present for before you sign. The actual spiritual connection between a couple happens in the Holiday Inn when you told everyone you were going out to see The Avengers again. (See what I did there?)

So maybe I’m just cynical, but I think you should figure out whether or not the One Flesh routine actually works for you both, before you sign the paperwork to change your tax filing status and become co-responsible for each other’s debts.

But don’t misunderstand, I think it’s a very strong benefit that Jennifer and I have only had P-in-V sex with each other. That’s a huge factor in our marriage and a reason why Jennifer is okay with me doing everything I do with MMSL. It’s no secret that I struggle with monogamy on a Body Agenda level, but rationally I know it, and she, has been the making of both me and so much of my overall happiness. That being said, I kinda like that Jennifer was so into me she was willing to break the rules to have me. She kinda likes that I was the sort of guy who made her want to break the rules. Being Alpha is more fun, so you may as well establish you’re a force of nature during the engagement.

Mood music lol…

The Male Chastity Low Testosterone Workaround

Cut and paste inspiration from the forum…

Serenity: Like many women on the Forum, I’m here because my husband is low T and low sex drive, complicated by the usual ED and PE issues that low T can cause. This issue has complicated our marriage for the last 5-6 years, with increasing severity until back in May, I finally issued an ultimatum. That (finally!) caught my husband’s attention enough that he was willing to try to work on the problem.   Here’s his e-mail to Athol: (I got his permission to post this.)

Like all the other low T guys on the forum I need some advice. My T levels are very low, on thyroid and supplemental T along with DHEA. Still my sex drive is low, my wife has a high sex rank. I need some advice on how to increase my sex drive? Is there some insight that you can help me with, maybe some techniques that can help until my T levels rise? Once we have sex, it takes me about a week to build up to have it again. This is putting a real strain on our marriage and I am so lucky that she has not found someone else to fulfill her needs. She is awesome and has put up with a lot (or in this case little) for quite sometime. We were having sex 3 times a week but then I was unable and it turned into a week before we did again. I am putting her through a roller coaster of not knowing if we will have sex or not.  My wife writes on the forum and we both read it every night. She introduced it to me and I have to say that I was amazed how many other people are having this issue. We are going through the Primer together.

Here’s Athol’s Response:

Athol:  Two ideas.  (1) Lie side by side and have you finger her to orgasm. While you’re doing that, have her holding your penis and gently stroking it, without worrying about trying to get you off or anything. By the time she comes to orgasm, see how you’re doing in the penis department. That combination of sensation for you, her excitement, and the distraction from you “trying to get hard” is often effective.   (2)  You don’t have to orgasm every time you have sex together. That should help your interest build from session to session rather than bottom out after having an orgasm yourself. Any given night could be more about pleasuring her, than trying to get you off. You might still only come to orgasm once a week or whatever, but she’s going to get more sexual attention and pleasure through the week.   Neither is a perfect solution, but workarounds that might help. I hope it works for you both.

Ya’ll, *Life Changing*.  We’ve been trying this for about 2 weeks now and it is an amazing transformation for us. For the first time in years, I’m in love with my husband.  I forgot how good that feels!!  I don’t feel angry with him all the time. He is actually pursuing me, especially by the 3th or 4th night of us fooling around with no orgasm for him. He can’t keep his hands off me, and I walk through my day smiling.    We’re still experimenting with how many nights before he orgasms to see what’s optimal for us. Another interesting side effect is that in trying not to orgasm, he’s learning to control his ejaculation better. (Before, he was so quick, PIV was over almost before I started enjoying it.) Now he can go for a super long time (with pauses when he gets too close).   The best part is that it has taken all the pressure off him. He doesn’t feel like he *has* to be hard, and funnily enough he’s a lot harder. Most of all, I think he’s finally started enjoying his sexuality again, after years of feeling like a loser. It definitely boosts his ego to have me whimpering and at his mercy night after night.  lol If you try this, I’d love to hear your results.  Thinking maybe we can all share different techniques that work. Athol Kay you rock !!

Athol:  I think the work around is simple enough to not need more explanation. It’s actually a variant on the standard male chastity play without all the extra mind games and nasty bits of plastic padlocked to your penis. (Newsflash to people with nasty bits of plastic padlocked to your penis: If your erection hurts inside it, that’s bad. If your erection used to hurt inside it, but doesn’t hurt anymore, that’s really bad. Stop being a dumbass and injuring your penis.)

Anyway… I think it’s potentially going to get him through the psychological re-building confidence stage after having gone to the doctors and actually gotten testosterone supplementation. Best case scenario we hear back in a few months that hubby doesn’t need the workaround… though Serenity seems to be really enjoying it and might not like to stop lol. So attention hubby: If she comes at you with a nasty bit of plastic, don’t let her padlock it to your penis. 

And of course… if you suspect low testosterone in yourself or your husband, the first port of call is labwork with your primary doctor. Also have a peek at Peak Testosterone. It’s a fairly good resource to start with and totally free. I don’t agree with the low-fat / vegetarian stuff though.

All in all though, it’s a big win and basically instantly too. You’re welcome.