This post is going to feel like a sucker punch to some of the guys reading. Please believe me when I say I’m not trying to pin all the blame on you for her leaving or cheating on you. I’m trying to explain the dynamics at work so you can correct them. Yes indeed she did bad things and doesn’t have an excuse for it, but the hard, hard, hard truth is that unless you married a genuine Batshit Crazy woman, you have always been responsible to be the leader of your marriage. Some part of the problem was yours to fix and manage. If you think the Titanic sunk because some bitch put icebergs in the way, you need to take it up with the Captain.
Okay… now that I’ve warmed everybody up to taking this particular dose of the Red Pill rectally, let’s begin…
One of the things Betaized men don’t understand is how they help create the situation where their wife just walks away from the marriage. It’s fairly rare that a wife is just going to wake up one morning and decide she’s going to act like The Joker found the Batcave and blow it all up. It builds and builds and builds and then she makes her move. The bad news for the Betaized husband is that a lot of the effort put into that building, has come from him.
Constant deference and catering to a wife frames her as having a higher Sex Rank than you. It doesn’t matter what she looks like, or what her options truly are outside the relationship, if you bow and scrape and bring mistress pretty things, you’re framing her as being in charge and having a higher Sex Rank than you. Constantly failing Fitness Tests makes her think she has a higher Sex Rank than you. Her cutting sex down to the rate of an IV drip and you sticking around and tolerating it, makes her think she has a higher Sex Rank than you. If she sits at home in a fifthy house trolling Facebook all day while you bring home the bacon and take her on expensive vacations, you’re framing her as having a higher Sex Rank than you. It’s like you’re purposely propelling her to Phase Three of the MAP without her needing to do anything. Just looking at her in a gooey-eyed Oneitis haze lets her know she’s in the drivers seat.
She could objectively be a 6 and you objectively an 8, but if you keep acting like her minion, she thinks she’s the 8 tolerating having made a terrible choice for settling for a 6. Seeing you’ve lifted her up to her own Phase Three of the MAP, she can push to a Phase Four at will. Except that you’re rarely going to get an obvious Phase Four demand moment, because that’s something we do consciously in running the MAP seeking the moral high ground. Oh there may be a tepid demand for something, a “maybe counseling”, a total ending of sex or something, but far more likely she’s just going to quietly slip into Phase Five.
When the lines of communication are broken between you and your wife, you aren’t going to get a message that the lines of communication are broken. That’s what the lines of communication being broken means. When she checks out of the marriage, she doesn’t tell you because she checked out of the marriage. That’s what being checked out of the marriage means. You might think it’s all going great, but that’s probably how a pet cow called “Hamburger” thinks too. Don’t get too excited about seeing Christmas.
Once in Phase Five… she starts checking out of the marriage and getting her ducks in a row for an exit. Again in the actual MAP, I’m advising taking the moral high ground and not getting involved with someone else. Doing that just complicates things needlessly and makes a second problem to address. However in the walkaway wife / dirty MAP, invariably she will get involved with someone else during Phase Five. In fact getting involved with another man likely marks the jump from Phase Three into the limbo of Phase Five.
Then it goes one of two ways.
The first way is that on one perfectly normal Tuesday morning, she just leaves you and someone serves you the divorce paperwork. You’re totally stunned of course. She just walked away for no reason whatsoever. Chances of getting her back – slim to none. And that’s a slim slim.
The other way is that before she does that, you catch her cheating. If you catch her, you have about a three day window to make a fairly complete reversal of fortune where you read her the riot act, stop catering to her, establish clear relationship boundaries and cut off the relationship with the other man. This is of course a huge task to do, and only possible with Sith-like focused anger. I’m not saying be violent, I’m saying if you aren’t acting as “in control but livid”, you’re doing it wrong. And trust me, you’ll have anger to spare. If in doubt, kick her out. You can always change your mind later, and if nothing else, you’re gaining some respect points in her eyes for doing so.
Even then, it’s still a long road back to what your marriage should be, and her actually cheating on you vastly changes things beyond her merely being bored and discontent. It’s pretty much the ultimate Fitness Test topped only by getting pregnant to another guy. I’m always hopeful that a couple can bounce back from an affair, but the odds aren’t wonderful. It’s going to be a major revision of how you live together. I must admit to becoming somewhat less hopeful on this front the longer I’ve written MMSL.
Whether she stays or goes though, getting your crap together and figuring out how to stand taller is always going to be in your best interest. And I know it’s extremely hard to hear that you played a role in setting the scene for her leaving or cheating on you. I’m really not trying to kick you when you’re down, I’m trying to show you what you must change in order to have a hope at correcting things with her… or failing that the next woman in your life.
Not forgetting of course, you can always just say “thanks for playing” and call it a day.