Sometimes the comments bear repeating…
Eric Ventura: There is this misguided and inaccurate notion in the PUA community that if you behave in a territorial manner, you are being an insecure “beta” or “AFC”. If you look at the natural world, including our own evolutionary history men who are naturally predominantly ALPHAS are anything but aloof when their female is being poached by another male. If Alphas are anything, we are territorial and extremely comfortable in conflict with other men. I get and agree with the aloofness thing, but i only do that with women. I’ve learned very early on that to do that with other men, especially alphas is way too risky. (I grew up in a rough neighborhood) I don’t get how these PUA’s reached that conclusion; but then again what do you expect from a community of predominately beta men who only mimic alpha behavior. I guess they are bound to miss a few things.
Athol: I think it’s an important distinction to make with the whole aloofness toward other men. When someone belittles you, makes a move on your girl or otherwise attempts to take you down a peg doesn’t matter… he’s trying to dominate you. If he does that to you in front of your wife, he’s making a Display of Higher Value at your expense, for the direct purpose of impressing your wife that he’s a better man. If you have a basically non-reactive approach, it’s left to the observer to decide whether or not you’re (1) just too much of a big fish to bother worrying about him, (2) clueless about what’s going on, or (3) a pussy.
Now obviously some dude doing this sort of thing in front of your wife a couple times, isn’t likely to make her ask you to hold her purse while she blows him. But if you allow this pattern of interaction to persist, you’re basically framing him as the Alpha Male and it’s fairly predictable that he’ll slowly start making traction on your wife.
Also of major consideration is that the public negative comments about you, are merely tests of your reaction to see if he’s good to go on trying to escalate things with your wife behind your back. Basically if you’re submissive enough to not bump back on verbal stuff… and you catch him banging your wife.. you’re going to more likely burst into tears rather than physically fight back about it. The capacity for violence by the cheated on husband is a primal response and a serious concern to the other man. Or put another way, if you bang the wife of a U.S. Army Sniper, you need to be aware that courts typically don’t issue 2000 yard restraining orders.
Anyway… my readers are smart… from the forum…
Rob: I was at a BBQ of a friends house (a real friend). He was filling the pool for the kids and a guy his wife knew from high school was there with his family, among many others. My friends wife (Sue) asked where he (Joe) was. I said out front filling the pool and the old high school fellow (Dave) said “That seems about right, lady business for Joe”. Sue shrugged and went around to find go find him and later they came back tithe BBQ. Over the grilling Dave complained that Joe was supposed to cook like a man and not use his lady techniques in front of everyone. “It embarrasses Sue”. Small laughter and Joe quipped back. Later Joe was cleaning up some empty bottles and cans that had accumulated and Dave said Joe’s tits were a little to small for a good server. Joe joked back about not wanting Daves “tip”. All good natured at the time.
Joe offers to drive a car a few blocks away for some guests as my wife and I help clean up. Dave is bringing in some dishes and notices him gone. As his family is leaving my wife heads out to collect the kids and I leave the room to help. I overhear Dave say “How can he leave that ass unprotected. I must come off as too trust-worthy.” That’s it. Between the posts Athol cites above (The Third Wheel and The Propinquity Effect) that I had read and a code between real friends that was the end of the line.
I caught him in the driveway and said goodbye and shook his hand. I told him “if you come again be sure I know I will be looking for any reason to kick your ass”. His stunned look and denial of what was really being said were met with “So you worry about just protecting your own ass”. He said he had been friends long enough to joke like that. I told him to go fuck himself.
Joe and I share a lot of history and have been there for each other since before women we’re good to us and us to them. We are friends.
When I told him what happened he shrugged and told me to come along. He drove to Dave’s house and knocked on the door and spoke with Dave for a good five minutes while I sat in the car wondering where a body could be hid at this hour. I don’t know exactly what was said but I am sure it’s enough to keep him wary.
Athol: Well played by Rob. Also worth noting how Dave immediately backed down from Rob. The verbal put downs are probes to see if he can get away with it, as soon as he gets called on it, by someone that looks willing to partake in non-verbal negotiations, Dave immediately turned all submissive.
Hu-mans are an exciting species aren’t they…