What Your Partner Reading MMSL Really Means

So you either found your husband or wife reading MMSL, or they told you about it. If you’re mad as hell, or freaking out about it, this post is for you.


(1)  It’s okay to be mad. Being mad about finding my material in your spouse’s possession is a completely normal reaction. What you’re experiencing though is more properly called the “flight or fight” response, meaning you’re not so much angry, as you’re feeling threatened. MMSL covers some happy stuff and some very dark topics, so your first few glances at MMSL might truly freak you out as to what your partner is reading and planning to do.

(2)  Your partner came to MMSL with a serious relationship concern. I don’t have some massive advertising campaign dragging in people off the street, your partner found me by sitting down in front of the computer and starting to search for an answer to their relationship concern. That problem pre-existed them looking for MMSL. If your partner came to MMSL, don’t kid yourself, you have a serious relationship issue happening right now.

(3)  Good news. Your partner went looking for a solution to the problem online. Often the problem is sexual in nature and they went looking online, instead of simply searching out a more practical and immediate sexual experience with someone else. Your partner came here to research a solution and not to cheat or end things.

(4)  If you’ve noticed recent positive improvements in your relationship, that may very well be related to your partner finding MMSL and applying the advice here. Your partner might also be acting more confident and self-assured. They also have probably started working out and are looking better too.

(5)  Very often when people come looking for a solution to their relationship problem, the problem has existed for a while, but it’s the existence of a potential affair partner that brings it into a crisis point. MMSL has a very strong anti-cheating approach to working on your marriage. An affair just needlessly complicates recovering a marriage, and an affair typically implodes anyway during a divorce process. Very often MMSL readers detach themselves from potential affairs in favor of working on the marriage.

(6)  The other thing that pushes relationships to a crisis point is one partner starting to give up on the marriage and start actively thinking about divorce. MMSL gives a plan of action to correct things. Likewise running the MAP slows the rush to divorce down and creates a plan of action to hopefully fix the relationship issue before divorce is seriously considered.

(7)  Wives in particular tell their husbands about MMSL as a fair warning of impending doom. If you are such a husband you need to take her telling you about MMSL as the first, best and potentially last warning you will ever get from her that your marriage is in serious trouble. Often husbands are totally shocked when what they thought was a happy marriage is cut off at the kness by divorce paperwork, or discovery of her deep involvement with another man. Maybe 10-15% of wives give a seriously blunt statement of unhappiness to their husbands before taking dramatic action. If your wife tells you about MMSL, she’s giving you a gift.

So what to do now…

(1)  You can read the blog in it’s entirety, starting back in January 2010, or the better option is to buy the MMSL Primer on Amazon and get all caught up in a day or so.

(2)  Start talking with your partner about how bad, the “bad” really is.

(3)  Join the forum. Hundreds of helpful people are there turning things around too.

(4)  Start working out. If you’re in bad physical shape, fitness is going to be a major thing you need to work on over the coming months.

(5)  If there is any hint of your partner having an inappropriate involvement, demand that they break off all contact with the other person. That’s absolutely critical to you fixing things for yourself.

A final warning…

MMSL is powerful. I know that sounds like I’m tooting my own horn, but it really is genuinely powerful. I’ve seen some remarkable turnarounds in relationships, so there is hope. I have also seen some relationships end as well. However, MMSL tends to be a polarizing influence, relationships get a lot better, or head toward resolution. So consider that you have a time limit to get yourself in motion.

We do better on the win column than the loss column though. A lot better.

And seriously, buy the book. It’s well worth it.

Submissive Captain?

So anyway, this week is a little bit of a shaggy dog story…

It started with Sexy Moves: Comfort and Coping, where I tended to a very sick Jennifer and actually quite enjoyed looking after her. In part I enjoy it because it’s not The Most Difficult Job In The World staying at home and keeping things running smoothly. But I was also feeling aware that being at home, was leeching away at more productivity and wanted to refocus on how Being Attractive is a Daily Discipline. So I came up with a plan that both allowed me to get my day to day Care Bear quota in, but also make sure I got all the really important stuff done to maintain my Alpha frame, because after all, Effort In Quadrant Two Powers Attraction. But part of what threw me off in the first place, was that Nursing Is FemDom

…and here we are. Welcome to awkward.

As I’ve said many times in the past, Jennifer and I used to have endless mutual submission deadlocks where we both attempted to defer to the other, and thus did nothing. “What do you wanna do?” “I don’t know, anything. What do you want to do?”  Rinse and repeat.  But I’d since discovered that me simply acting more dominant with Jennifer netted easy and positive relationship results. Jennifer being so naturally submissive that even mild dominance was lapped up and made her content.

And then for the last fifteen years or so, I’d go to work as a nurse, and spend all day helping, caring, supporting, tending and generally being a highly functional First Officer for the female powers that be. To be sure, how the first twelve years of that was, was different from the last three. I became far more assertive and pushed back on a lot of nonsense, and liked it less and less. There’s a world of difference between being naturally submissive and freely giving and being forcibly taken advantage off. In the end I was given an ultimatum to either allow 24/7 access to my time, or get out. The rationale given being that if I was willing to receive calls from Jennifer at work, then I should be willing to receive calls from my boss at home… Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh…. I’m going to go in a different direction with that.

But now I’m home.

And my submissive itch has not been scratched for a very, very long time. I actually keep a diary, because obviously a blog just isn’t enough to keep my thoughts together and looking back I can see where my mental checking out of my job and actually finishing my job, resulted in my increased grumpiness with Jennifer. Oh not all day everyday, just a background discontent that comes and goes… and maybe a five page document with an attached cheat sheet for ways to nag me in the manner I would most enjoy. Nothing like a thinker trying to be helpful.

Naturally Jennifer did none of that, because shes so naturally submissive she’d lose a staring contest with a kitten. So the short story is that now we’ve had several rounds of mutual submission deadlocks, with me breaking them by being dominant because it works, and then me feeling cranky that I had to do that. Most husbands are driven crazy by nagging, I’m driven crazy because she doesn’t nag.

The current plan is my daily schedule, which gives me some direct hands on ways to play a support role (kids to school et al), and also gives me some clear tasks to complete (writing and exercise) that Jennifer is under pain of pain to actually follow up on and ask me about. Really, that’s all it takes. I don’t need to be yelled at, just checked on and it helps me so much to know someone will ask what I did. So far it’s working, I feel more happily engaged with everyone, the house is running better and I am finally becoming productive on the writing front.

However there is also a very significant problem in that I’ve just added a huge amount of Beta Trait behavior. So I’m keenly aware that needs to be counter-balanced with Alpha, I don’t want to nerf her interest in me. It’s not going to work if a month from now she’s cranky at me because she’s not having fun either. I’ve actually been somewhat stressed out by the consideration of moving in this direction, but me not writing properly is just a critical error that has to be addressed. That’s my most important Alpha behavior in Jennifer’s eyes, physical fitness doesn’t hurt either. So gotta try something.


Lots of irony really. In some ways I’m doing the opposite of what MMSL suggests and I’m still getting my head around it. It’s an experiment in progress.

Jennifer: Yeah, it’s always an experiment around here…in a good way!  It’s funny how a husband and wife can see the simplest things in two totally different ways.  He asked me to “nag” him about writing.  I would ask how the day went when I got home from work in the late afternoon.  I would be tempted during the day to text him and ask how things were going…but that might interrupt him when he was on a roll with writing!  Note to self…don’t second guess, go with your first thought.  So now I text him several times during the day to see how he’s doing, which helps him to stay on track (crap, she’s going to text in an hour, better be working!) but in my mind it’s not as annoying as “nagging”, it’s me checking in.


Nursing Is FemDom

I’m actually following from yesterday, via the scenic route…

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I was working with a guy from somewhere in Africa. I forget the country, Nigeria I think. He was a good worker and we got on fine. I was the nurse and he was the direct care staff helping me. Seriously, no problems with him at all apart from occasional accent thickness.

But the whispers started going around that he was rubbing all the women the wrong way. So I get called in to the office to talk about it to the management and basically said I was having no issues with him. So he magically got a whole lot of shifts with me. Funny that.

Anyway, one night when it was just the two of us he started a conversation that to this day marks the high water mark of truly bigoted anti-women speech I’ve ever encountered. Let’s share shall we…

“Now that the women have gone…”   (huh?)

“…we can speak freely as men.”    (Oh shit get me out of this conversation!)

Then he said something that I can’t even remember because my mind blotted it out it was so bad. I just looked at him in a daze, sucker punched by his bigotry, marveling at his complete assurance that I too internally agreed with [fucked up shit he just said that no one who uses flushing toilets believes anymore].

I’m lost here. I can’t just walk away because I have patients, I can’t stay because it’s so awful and someone might walk in on us, and it will look like I’m taking part in this conversation and I’m not interested in an employment suicide pact.

“Well the women should obey the man because blah blah blah…”  turns out he’s actually pissed off that the female nurses aren’t bringing him food during the shift. He’s not pretending to be annoyed about it, he’s actually annoyed for real. Like he’s some tribal African chief and the buffet wasn’t acceptable. The nurses all outrank him big time.

Ohhhhh this explains why all the women hate him and he’s fine with me. Breathe Athol, he’s from Africa, this is just his culture. Breathe…

He still won’t shut up either. It’s like he has got to have this verbal puking of intolerance that he’s been holding back on for far too long. He’s like a drunk white chick hurling in a bar’s toilet, incapable of stopping once started, devoid of shame and missing the target.

Then came the big one.

He tells me he’s looking to start nursing school toward being an LPN in a couple of months. Could I write him a reference.

My first thought was “Fuck no.”

Then after about three seconds of silence between us, it stuck me how funny it would be if he actually got into nursing school, actually survived the hazing, and then actually had to spend the rest of his career surrounded by women. Pissed off women all around him. Not just my-boyfriend-was-an-asshole-this-morning-let-me-vent-on-you anger, but targeted rage at him from all directions. Wouldn’t that be the ultimate self-inflicted hell? I mean if I was thinking up ways to torment him forever, wouldn’t handing him over to the Labia Mafia be hysterically perfect?

I started laughing. A rolling belly laugh tearing at the corner of my eyes laugh that trailed off into a persistant chuckle.

He actually stopped talking finally and waited. The joke totally lost on him across the vast gulf of culture. His face genuinely questioning. He simply didn’t get it. Would probably never get it. So I told him the truth about nursing in a way that he’d hopefully understand.

“You can’t become a male LPN and then complain you don’t like the taste of pussy.”

He never came back to work after that. Damned if I know why. It’s magically delicious.



Effort In Quadrant Two Powers Attraction

So following on from yesterday, the whole four quadrant thing is in my mind because I’ve been reorganizing my day. The adjustment from full time nursing and doing MMSL at night, to being at home and just MMSL has been a much bigger adjustment than I thought it would be. I easily get distracted and was finding that I simply wasn’t getting done what I really needed to get done. Oh I was certainly busy and active, just at the end of the day somehow exercise and book writing wasn’t happening.

I also cannot for the life of me write blog posts in the morning. 2.5 years of writing posts at night has basically programmed me to write posts that time of day. I just stare at the screen and eventually watch hours of YouTube if I try post writing during the day. But I was just leeching later and later into the evening. Jennifer edits my posts, so if I’m up, she’s up and then she’s over-tired and slightly… ah… starfishy… which is really my fault for keeping her up.

I’m also trying to rebalance between Jennifer and myself, who does what for chores and domestic duties. We’ve actually been mildly fighting about it in that she’s too stubborn to give some of it up. She’s all overhelping and needs to relax a little more. I’m technically a SAHD now, so there’s different ways I can help out now. Jennifer had been doing the morning routine with the girls once school started up again and wasn’t getting out of the house until 830-9am.

So anyway, my new daily plan for the week days. I’ll color all the Quadrant Two items in Red.

D1 = Eldest daughter.  D2 = Youngest daughter.  Also I set a number of alarms on my phone to prompt myself to start/stop things.

6am  Get up, wake D1 and shower. (Alarm set)

620am  prompt D1 and wake D2. Coffee, empty dishwasher, make lunches for D2 and Jennifer (she gets leftovers from dinner the night before), make protein shake.

640am  Email clear / Forum check

7am   D1 on bus. Prompt D2.

705  Start any laundry, eat breakfast and 30 minute walk.

750 am  Drive D2 to school

810am One housecleaning task.

830am-12pm  Writing book related material  (Alarm set)

12pm-1pm    Exercise  (Alarm set)

1pm  Shower, Lunch, playtime.

235pm  Pick up D2 from school.  (ALARM SET!)

3-5pm  Clear email, forum check, 30 minute walk (with Jennifer if possible)

5-8 pm  Free + Dinner

8pm   Homework Prompting   (Alarm set)

8-10pm MMSL Post writing, any remaining time on forum.

930pm  Bedtime Prompting for Kids

10pm  Kids to bed   (Alarm set)

10-11pm Free Time to hang out with Jennifer

11pm  Run Dishwasher, Bedtime

So, all in all, I’ve gone from about two regular hours of Quadrant Two a day, to around eight and a half. The house is about the same in terms of how clean as we weren’t living in squalor before, but the kitchen kinda sparkles now. Jennifer is getting to work earlier and getting home a little earlier and isn’t falling asleep on the couch late in the evening. The kids hear the 8pm alarm and they already have learned to just groan and get their homework. Same deal at bedtime.

The only downside is I’m on the forum a little less continuously, so I adapted there and created a 911 category for the issues that need genuine triage and get first dibs on my attention.

About 90% of my Alpha is coming from my Quadrant Two time spending. Physical health and fitness, smart guy generating income. That’s my attraction builder. All the help around the house + kids + Jennifer time is my comfort building Beta stuff.

So go plan your day.

Jennifer: It’s been an adjustment on my end too, but it’s working wonderfully. He looks happier for getting more book writing done and it’s so nice not starting my day in a rush and have more time together in the evening. It’s infectious too, I’ve found myself planning meals further ahead and prepping things in the morning. (Although I did just say to him that he’s thrown my whole sense of time off in the evening…It’s 9:18pm and I’m proofing something I am usually proofing at 11:18pm…now I feel like it should be bedtime.)

Being Attractive is a Daily Discipline

The number one problem you have with creating and sustaining your attractiveness, is that you give attention to time-sinks and the urgent but unimportant stuff, while you neglect the non-urgent but important stuff.

Take a peek at the classic Four Quadrants from Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.

The most important quadrant is the first one. You just have to do this stuff and that’s all there is to it. So you do that stuff as a matter of course. Moving on…

The second quadrant is very important too. But because nothing in there is urgent, it’s tempting to skip on it. If you miss a day in the gym, nothing happens to you. There’s no immediate consequence for eating a cupcake. If you don’t go back to school for advanced training, you don’t get fired from your current job. If you don’t plan out your goals for the year, no one yells at you. But skip doing the second quadrant for long enough, and lo and behold you’re Captain Cupcake in a shitty job and no plan for the future…

…there doesn’t seem to be a consequence for all that lack of effort until you’re at a party and your wife hands you her purse and spends the rest of the night twirling her hair at some asshole. Now she’s just laughing at his jokes. Now she slapped his arm and wagged her finger at him like he did something wrong… but she’s grinning at him.

WTF! She just leaned in and whispered something to him… what the hell did she say??!?!

It’s easy to totally neglect quadrant two, in favor of quadrant three and four. So let’s talk about that.

Troubles in quadrant three are typically resolved by time management. The truth of the matter is that at least half the people you work with are vacuous warm bodies, wasting the planet’s precious resources by their mere existence. Every time you have to interact with one of these people, you lurch into the third quadrant. But you do have to interact with them somehow. So productive people tend to structure their day to condense their exposure to the herd. They get into the office early and work like crazy to get as much done as possible before… ah… here comes frakking Jerry making his way across the office like a sloth… don’t make eye contact, don’t make eye contact… ah crap he’s coming right here… ah fabulous, he wants to talk about the quarterly report filing system protocol revision that was discussed at the staff meeting held two weeks ago. Maybe if you went to the meeting you’d know.

See how that whole paragraph got padded with a waste of time. I think I actually got a slight touch of PTSD just writing the phrase “quarterly report filing system protocol revision.”  Jennifer is gonna groan during editing too lol.   (Jennifer: OMG yes. I get more done before 10am than in the entire rest of the day when the office is full of people asking me questions lol.)

Anyway, the other thing you can do is limit when you look at email, make phone calls or whatever it is that you do. Find a way to structure your day to make it as efficient as possible. Find the time lost into the ether of idiots. Use that time to do your quadrant two stuff.

Quadrant four is just all purpose time wasting, which is admittedly fun sometimes, but if done at the expense of quadrant two, you’re in trouble. Classic quadrant four time-sinks are Facebook, Farmville, World of Warcraft, mindless day time TV, standing outside having a cigarette for a total of 1.75 hours of your work day (Seriously will someone please fire those useless sandbags!), a six pack a couple of times a week, yada yada yada. No productive purpose + heavy effort =  a meaningless time-sink.

In one very meaningful sense, all the MAP is doing is getting you to drop as much quadrant four stuff as you can and replacing it with quadrant two. You’re going to eat right. You’re going to work out. You’re going to not just let things slide between the two of you. You’re going to find your way to a better income. You’re going to fix the house up. You’re mowing the lawn, changing the oil, and not letting the kids get away with murder. There are probably some ways you can squeeze some found time out of quadrant three, but the easy move is dumping quadrant four for quadrant two.

And yeah, it’s a bit boring at times. You could be knocking a few cold ones back, but instead you’re at the gym. It’s not always fun, it’s hard work, but there will be a pay off eventually. Keep at it long enough and one day you’ll be out having fun chatting to some hot MILF you just met and having a good time… but dimly aware of some tubby dude holding a purse glaring at you for no apparent reason…

…then the MILF leans in and whispers something in your ear…