What Your Partner Reading MMSL Really Means

So you either found your husband or wife reading MMSL, or they told you about it. If you’re mad as hell, or freaking out about it, this post is for you.

So…

(1)  It’s okay to be mad. Being mad about finding my material in your spouse’s possession is a completely normal reaction. What you’re experiencing though is more properly called the “flight or fight” response, meaning you’re not so much angry, as you’re feeling threatened. MMSL covers some happy stuff and some very dark topics, so your first few glances at MMSL might truly freak you out as to what your partner is reading and planning to do.

(2)  Your partner came to MMSL with a serious relationship concern. I don’t have some massive advertising campaign dragging in people off the street, your partner found me by sitting down in front of the computer and starting to search for an answer to their relationship concern. That problem pre-existed them looking for MMSL. If your partner came to MMSL, don’t kid yourself, you have a serious relationship issue happening right now.

(3)  Good news. Your partner went looking for a solution to the problem online. Often the problem is sexual in nature and they went looking online, instead of simply searching out a more practical and immediate sexual experience with someone else. Your partner came here to research a solution and not to cheat or end things.

(4)  If you’ve noticed recent positive improvements in your relationship, that may very well be related to your partner finding MMSL and applying the advice here. Your partner might also be acting more confident and self-assured. They also have probably started working out and are looking better too.

(5)  Very often when people come looking for a solution to their relationship problem, the problem has existed for a while, but it’s the existence of a potential affair partner that brings it into a crisis point. MMSL has a very strong anti-cheating approach to working on your marriage. An affair just needlessly complicates recovering a marriage, and an affair typically implodes anyway during a divorce process. Very often MMSL readers detach themselves from potential affairs in favor of working on the marriage.

(6)  The other thing that pushes relationships to a crisis point is one partner starting to give up on the marriage and start actively thinking about divorce. MMSL gives a plan of action to correct things. Likewise running the MAP slows the rush to divorce down and creates a plan of action to hopefully fix the relationship issue before divorce is seriously considered.

(7)  Wives in particular tell their husbands about MMSL as a fair warning of impending doom. If you are such a husband you need to take her telling you about MMSL as the first, best and potentially last warning you will ever get from her that your marriage is in serious trouble. Often husbands are totally shocked when what they thought was a happy marriage is cut off at the kness by divorce paperwork, or discovery of her deep involvement with another man. Maybe 10-15% of wives give a seriously blunt statement of unhappiness to their husbands before taking dramatic action. If your wife tells you about MMSL, she’s giving you a gift.

So what to do now…

(1)  You can read the blog in it’s entirety, starting back in January 2010, or the better option is to buy the MMSL Primer on Amazon and get all caught up in a day or so.

(2)  Start talking with your partner about how bad, the “bad” really is.

(3)  Join the forum. Hundreds of helpful people are there turning things around too.

(4)  Start working out. If you’re in bad physical shape, fitness is going to be a major thing you need to work on over the coming months.

(5)  If there is any hint of your partner having an inappropriate involvement, demand that they break off all contact with the other person. That’s absolutely critical to you fixing things for yourself.

A final warning…

MMSL is powerful. I know that sounds like I’m tooting my own horn, but it really is genuinely powerful. I’ve seen some remarkable turnarounds in relationships, so there is hope. I have also seen some relationships end as well. However, MMSL tends to be a polarizing influence, relationships get a lot better, or head toward resolution. So consider that you have a time limit to get yourself in motion.

We do better on the win column than the loss column though. A lot better.

And seriously, buy the book. It’s well worth it.

Submissive Captain?

So anyway, this week is a little bit of a shaggy dog story…

It started with Sexy Moves: Comfort and Coping, where I tended to a very sick Jennifer and actually quite enjoyed looking after her. In part I enjoy it because it’s not The Most Difficult Job In The World staying at home and keeping things running smoothly. But I was also feeling aware that being at home, was leeching away at more productivity and wanted to refocus on how Being Attractive is a Daily Discipline. So I came up with a plan that both allowed me to get my day to day Care Bear quota in, but also make sure I got all the really important stuff done to maintain my Alpha frame, because after all, Effort In Quadrant Two Powers Attraction. But part of what threw me off in the first place, was that Nursing Is FemDom

…and here we are. Welcome to awkward.

As I’ve said many times in the past, Jennifer and I used to have endless mutual submission deadlocks where we both attempted to defer to the other, and thus did nothing. “What do you wanna do?” “I don’t know, anything. What do you want to do?”  Rinse and repeat.  But I’d since discovered that me simply acting more dominant with Jennifer netted easy and positive relationship results. Jennifer being so naturally submissive that even mild dominance was lapped up and made her content.

And then for the last fifteen years or so, I’d go to work as a nurse, and spend all day helping, caring, supporting, tending and generally being a highly functional First Officer for the female powers that be. To be sure, how the first twelve years of that was, was different from the last three. I became far more assertive and pushed back on a lot of nonsense, and liked it less and less. There’s a world of difference between being naturally submissive and freely giving and being forcibly taken advantage off. In the end I was given an ultimatum to either allow 24/7 access to my time, or get out. The rationale given being that if I was willing to receive calls from Jennifer at work, then I should be willing to receive calls from my boss at home… Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh…. I’m going to go in a different direction with that.

But now I’m home.

And my submissive itch has not been scratched for a very, very long time. I actually keep a diary, because obviously a blog just isn’t enough to keep my thoughts together and looking back I can see where my mental checking out of my job and actually finishing my job, resulted in my increased grumpiness with Jennifer. Oh not all day everyday, just a background discontent that comes and goes… and maybe a five page document with an attached cheat sheet for ways to nag me in the manner I would most enjoy. Nothing like a thinker trying to be helpful.

Naturally Jennifer did none of that, because shes so naturally submissive she’d lose a staring contest with a kitten. So the short story is that now we’ve had several rounds of mutual submission deadlocks, with me breaking them by being dominant because it works, and then me feeling cranky that I had to do that. Most husbands are driven crazy by nagging, I’m driven crazy because she doesn’t nag.

The current plan is my daily schedule, which gives me some direct hands on ways to play a support role (kids to school et al), and also gives me some clear tasks to complete (writing and exercise) that Jennifer is under pain of pain to actually follow up on and ask me about. Really, that’s all it takes. I don’t need to be yelled at, just checked on and it helps me so much to know someone will ask what I did. So far it’s working, I feel more happily engaged with everyone, the house is running better and I am finally becoming productive on the writing front.

However there is also a very significant problem in that I’ve just added a huge amount of Beta Trait behavior. So I’m keenly aware that needs to be counter-balanced with Alpha, I don’t want to nerf her interest in me. It’s not going to work if a month from now she’s cranky at me because she’s not having fun either. I’ve actually been somewhat stressed out by the consideration of moving in this direction, but me not writing properly is just a critical error that has to be addressed. That’s my most important Alpha behavior in Jennifer’s eyes, physical fitness doesn’t hurt either. So gotta try something.

So…

Lots of irony really. In some ways I’m doing the opposite of what MMSL suggests and I’m still getting my head around it. It’s an experiment in progress.

Jennifer: Yeah, it’s always an experiment around here…in a good way!  It’s funny how a husband and wife can see the simplest things in two totally different ways.  He asked me to “nag” him about writing.  I would ask how the day went when I got home from work in the late afternoon.  I would be tempted during the day to text him and ask how things were going…but that might interrupt him when he was on a roll with writing!  Note to self…don’t second guess, go with your first thought.  So now I text him several times during the day to see how he’s doing, which helps him to stay on track (crap, she’s going to text in an hour, better be working!) but in my mind it’s not as annoying as “nagging”, it’s me checking in.

 

Nursing Is FemDom

I’m actually following from yesterday, via the scenic route…

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I was working with a guy from somewhere in Africa. I forget the country, Nigeria I think. He was a good worker and we got on fine. I was the nurse and he was the direct care staff helping me. Seriously, no problems with him at all apart from occasional accent thickness.

But the whispers started going around that he was rubbing all the women the wrong way. So I get called in to the office to talk about it to the management and basically said I was having no issues with him. So he magically got a whole lot of shifts with me. Funny that.

Anyway, one night when it was just the two of us he started a conversation that to this day marks the high water mark of truly bigoted anti-women speech I’ve ever encountered. Let’s share shall we…

“Now that the women have gone…”   (huh?)

“…we can speak freely as men.”    (Oh shit get me out of this conversation!)

Then he said something that I can’t even remember because my mind blotted it out it was so bad. I just looked at him in a daze, sucker punched by his bigotry, marveling at his complete assurance that I too internally agreed with [fucked up shit he just said that no one who uses flushing toilets believes anymore].

I’m lost here. I can’t just walk away because I have patients, I can’t stay because it’s so awful and someone might walk in on us, and it will look like I’m taking part in this conversation and I’m not interested in an employment suicide pact.

“Well the women should obey the man because blah blah blah…”  turns out he’s actually pissed off that the female nurses aren’t bringing him food during the shift. He’s not pretending to be annoyed about it, he’s actually annoyed for real. Like he’s some tribal African chief and the buffet wasn’t acceptable. The nurses all outrank him big time.

Ohhhhh this explains why all the women hate him and he’s fine with me. Breathe Athol, he’s from Africa, this is just his culture. Breathe…

He still won’t shut up either. It’s like he has got to have this verbal puking of intolerance that he’s been holding back on for far too long. He’s like a drunk white chick hurling in a bar’s toilet, incapable of stopping once started, devoid of shame and missing the target.

Then came the big one.

He tells me he’s looking to start nursing school toward being an LPN in a couple of months. Could I write him a reference.

My first thought was “Fuck no.”

Then after about three seconds of silence between us, it stuck me how funny it would be if he actually got into nursing school, actually survived the hazing, and then actually had to spend the rest of his career surrounded by women. Pissed off women all around him. Not just my-boyfriend-was-an-asshole-this-morning-let-me-vent-on-you anger, but targeted rage at him from all directions. Wouldn’t that be the ultimate self-inflicted hell? I mean if I was thinking up ways to torment him forever, wouldn’t handing him over to the Labia Mafia be hysterically perfect?

I started laughing. A rolling belly laugh tearing at the corner of my eyes laugh that trailed off into a persistant chuckle.

He actually stopped talking finally and waited. The joke totally lost on him across the vast gulf of culture. His face genuinely questioning. He simply didn’t get it. Would probably never get it. So I told him the truth about nursing in a way that he’d hopefully understand.

“You can’t become a male LPN and then complain you don’t like the taste of pussy.”

He never came back to work after that. Damned if I know why. It’s magically delicious.

 

 

Effort In Quadrant Two Powers Attraction

So following on from yesterday, the whole four quadrant thing is in my mind because I’ve been reorganizing my day. The adjustment from full time nursing and doing MMSL at night, to being at home and just MMSL has been a much bigger adjustment than I thought it would be. I easily get distracted and was finding that I simply wasn’t getting done what I really needed to get done. Oh I was certainly busy and active, just at the end of the day somehow exercise and book writing wasn’t happening.

I also cannot for the life of me write blog posts in the morning. 2.5 years of writing posts at night has basically programmed me to write posts that time of day. I just stare at the screen and eventually watch hours of YouTube if I try post writing during the day. But I was just leeching later and later into the evening. Jennifer edits my posts, so if I’m up, she’s up and then she’s over-tired and slightly… ah… starfishy… which is really my fault for keeping her up.

I’m also trying to rebalance between Jennifer and myself, who does what for chores and domestic duties. We’ve actually been mildly fighting about it in that she’s too stubborn to give some of it up. She’s all overhelping and needs to relax a little more. I’m technically a SAHD now, so there’s different ways I can help out now. Jennifer had been doing the morning routine with the girls once school started up again and wasn’t getting out of the house until 830-9am.

So anyway, my new daily plan for the week days. I’ll color all the Quadrant Two items in Red.

D1 = Eldest daughter.  D2 = Youngest daughter.  Also I set a number of alarms on my phone to prompt myself to start/stop things.

6am  Get up, wake D1 and shower. (Alarm set)

620am  prompt D1 and wake D2. Coffee, empty dishwasher, make lunches for D2 and Jennifer (she gets leftovers from dinner the night before), make protein shake.

640am  Email clear / Forum check

7am   D1 on bus. Prompt D2.

705  Start any laundry, eat breakfast and 30 minute walk.

750 am  Drive D2 to school

810am One housecleaning task.

830am-12pm  Writing book related material  (Alarm set)

12pm-1pm    Exercise  (Alarm set)

1pm  Shower, Lunch, playtime.

235pm  Pick up D2 from school.  (ALARM SET!)

3-5pm  Clear email, forum check, 30 minute walk (with Jennifer if possible)

5-8 pm  Free + Dinner

8pm   Homework Prompting   (Alarm set)

8-10pm MMSL Post writing, any remaining time on forum.

930pm  Bedtime Prompting for Kids

10pm  Kids to bed   (Alarm set)

10-11pm Free Time to hang out with Jennifer

11pm  Run Dishwasher, Bedtime

So, all in all, I’ve gone from about two regular hours of Quadrant Two a day, to around eight and a half. The house is about the same in terms of how clean as we weren’t living in squalor before, but the kitchen kinda sparkles now. Jennifer is getting to work earlier and getting home a little earlier and isn’t falling asleep on the couch late in the evening. The kids hear the 8pm alarm and they already have learned to just groan and get their homework. Same deal at bedtime.

The only downside is I’m on the forum a little less continuously, so I adapted there and created a 911 category for the issues that need genuine triage and get first dibs on my attention.

About 90% of my Alpha is coming from my Quadrant Two time spending. Physical health and fitness, smart guy generating income. That’s my attraction builder. All the help around the house + kids + Jennifer time is my comfort building Beta stuff.

So go plan your day.

Jennifer: It’s been an adjustment on my end too, but it’s working wonderfully. He looks happier for getting more book writing done and it’s so nice not starting my day in a rush and have more time together in the evening. It’s infectious too, I’ve found myself planning meals further ahead and prepping things in the morning. (Although I did just say to him that he’s thrown my whole sense of time off in the evening…It’s 9:18pm and I’m proofing something I am usually proofing at 11:18pm…now I feel like it should be bedtime.)

Being Attractive is a Daily Discipline

The number one problem you have with creating and sustaining your attractiveness, is that you give attention to time-sinks and the urgent but unimportant stuff, while you neglect the non-urgent but important stuff.

Take a peek at the classic Four Quadrants from Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.

The most important quadrant is the first one. You just have to do this stuff and that’s all there is to it. So you do that stuff as a matter of course. Moving on…

The second quadrant is very important too. But because nothing in there is urgent, it’s tempting to skip on it. If you miss a day in the gym, nothing happens to you. There’s no immediate consequence for eating a cupcake. If you don’t go back to school for advanced training, you don’t get fired from your current job. If you don’t plan out your goals for the year, no one yells at you. But skip doing the second quadrant for long enough, and lo and behold you’re Captain Cupcake in a shitty job and no plan for the future…

…there doesn’t seem to be a consequence for all that lack of effort until you’re at a party and your wife hands you her purse and spends the rest of the night twirling her hair at some asshole. Now she’s just laughing at his jokes. Now she slapped his arm and wagged her finger at him like he did something wrong… but she’s grinning at him.

WTF! She just leaned in and whispered something to him… what the hell did she say??!?!

It’s easy to totally neglect quadrant two, in favor of quadrant three and four. So let’s talk about that.

Troubles in quadrant three are typically resolved by time management. The truth of the matter is that at least half the people you work with are vacuous warm bodies, wasting the planet’s precious resources by their mere existence. Every time you have to interact with one of these people, you lurch into the third quadrant. But you do have to interact with them somehow. So productive people tend to structure their day to condense their exposure to the herd. They get into the office early and work like crazy to get as much done as possible before… ah… here comes frakking Jerry making his way across the office like a sloth… don’t make eye contact, don’t make eye contact… ah crap he’s coming right here… ah fabulous, he wants to talk about the quarterly report filing system protocol revision that was discussed at the staff meeting held two weeks ago. Maybe if you went to the meeting you’d know.

See how that whole paragraph got padded with a waste of time. I think I actually got a slight touch of PTSD just writing the phrase “quarterly report filing system protocol revision.”  Jennifer is gonna groan during editing too lol.   (Jennifer: OMG yes. I get more done before 10am than in the entire rest of the day when the office is full of people asking me questions lol.)

Anyway, the other thing you can do is limit when you look at email, make phone calls or whatever it is that you do. Find a way to structure your day to make it as efficient as possible. Find the time lost into the ether of idiots. Use that time to do your quadrant two stuff.

Quadrant four is just all purpose time wasting, which is admittedly fun sometimes, but if done at the expense of quadrant two, you’re in trouble. Classic quadrant four time-sinks are Facebook, Farmville, World of Warcraft, mindless day time TV, standing outside having a cigarette for a total of 1.75 hours of your work day (Seriously will someone please fire those useless sandbags!), a six pack a couple of times a week, yada yada yada. No productive purpose + heavy effort =  a meaningless time-sink.

In one very meaningful sense, all the MAP is doing is getting you to drop as much quadrant four stuff as you can and replacing it with quadrant two. You’re going to eat right. You’re going to work out. You’re going to not just let things slide between the two of you. You’re going to find your way to a better income. You’re going to fix the house up. You’re mowing the lawn, changing the oil, and not letting the kids get away with murder. There are probably some ways you can squeeze some found time out of quadrant three, but the easy move is dumping quadrant four for quadrant two.

And yeah, it’s a bit boring at times. You could be knocking a few cold ones back, but instead you’re at the gym. It’s not always fun, it’s hard work, but there will be a pay off eventually. Keep at it long enough and one day you’ll be out having fun chatting to some hot MILF you just met and having a good time… but dimly aware of some tubby dude holding a purse glaring at you for no apparent reason…

…then the MILF leans in and whispers something in your ear…

What To Do When You Don’t Get Laid On Date Night

Ah the Date Night, that most hallowed Blue Pill solution to marital woes. If you just had a Date Night once a week, your marriage would magically transform into the delightful paradise that is the ideal marriage.

Well it’s all very nice thinking, but glosses over that fact that 99% of the married people can’t afford a weekly Date Night and it’s also pretty hard to find a decent babysitter as well. Which I guess just makes the husband a failure for not being part of the 1%. Sweet.

Anyway…

Let’s assume like a mission to launch a cool robot to Mars, the planets have sufficiently aligned to green light an attempt at Date Night. Extra cash, check. Baby sitter, check. Expensive fun thing to do, check. Fresh breath, check. Car has gas, check. Purposefully bending over backwards not doing anything to piss her off for 72-96 hours before Date Night, check. Masturbation 24 hours before expected sex to release pressure to avoid awkward premature ejaculation, check.

Houston we have a go.

It starts off really really well. Date Night clears the tower and roars majestically upwards, it’s long tail of red hot desire lighting up the evening sky. You’re so getting laid tonight.

It’s perfect. So perfect. Nothing can go wrong.

“Ahhh… Houston we have a warning light on the Alpha tank. Repeat, warning light on Alpha.”

Then something fairly minor happens. Maybe you stay something not quite funny and it’s taken as not very funny at all. Maybe the service at the restaurant wasn’t quite up to par. Maybe even though The Olive Garden is her favorite restaurant, tonight she doesn’t want to be there for some reason. Maybe the tickets you got aren’t as close to the stage as you could have gotten them. Maybe you’re not parking the car correctly. Maybe you’re just spoiling Date Night by being stupid or insensitive.

Well at this point you’re committed to the evening, so be cool. Nothing you can do about the Alpha tank now. Just ride it out and complete the mission.

Everything goes pretty well, except she’s not really enjoying it as much as you were hoping she would. The mission is a success, you had your fancy dinner, you saw the show, you didn’t get caught staring at another woman. It’s all good. Time to head home and make a smooth landing.

Then you don’t even understand how or why it happens, Date Night just goes terribly wrong on re-entry. Instead of a joyous swooping return to earth, half-way home the First Officer starts screaming at you about something, and the whole thing just blows up.

You ain’t getting laid tonight.

You’re pissed the fuck off about it too.

She broke the unwritten contract that by having a Date Night, and plying her with food, wine, fun and maybe a surprise nice thing, you were going to get laid. How dare she do that and ruin your perfectly planned evening. Why the hell do you have to jump through so many freaking hoops just to get laid BY YOUR WIFE anyway? Good grief she’s a selfish spoiled bitch who should be having sex with you. Right? Right! …right?

Ah… yes and no

Yes - Yes indeed getting laid on Date Night is a reasonable expectation. It’s a special night to connect and have fun together. Having sex is a great way to connect and have fun, and in fact you should have a reasonable expectation that you’ll even have somewhat above average sex that night. After all, more time to relax and ease into it, no kids, a little wine. It should all be good. That’s why you have a Date Night in the first place.

No – She’s just not attracted to you sexually. An evening of special whatever simply isn’t going to make that change in a single evening. She doesn’t want to have sex with you, so she blew it all up in your face. If she was right on the line of being interested in you, Date Night might have earned you getting laid on Date Night, but if she’s below the line if interest in you, the whole evening is just unwanted pressure to screw a guy she doesn’t want to screw.

If you were both single and this date went down, she wouldn’t go back to your place. She’d probably screen your calls out afterwards too. She’s just not interested, but she’s married to you, so she has to go back to your place and find a way to ruin the evening.

So what to do?

You have to address the yes and the no. The yes you address by saying, “I think I have a reasonable expectation of having sex on a Date Night, and I’m not going to go through that sort of evening again. If you’re willing to have sex with me on a Date Night cool, but if not, I’m not interested in having a Date Night.”

The no you address by finding a private place, where no one will find you, and having an episode of just bawling your eyes out. Admitting to yourself that she just doesn’t want to have sex with you, not even with a pretty please and a couple hundred bucks of cherry on top, feels like someone shotgunned you in the chest. I’m serious about the crying, let it out. Cry out the pain, but save the anger… and yes indeed, you will be angry about it all.

Then fix whatever the problem is that’s killing her attraction. Buy the Primer, run the MAP and get your shit together. Get yourself into the position where six months, or a year, or two years from now, she’s the one that wants you and is freaking out about possibly losing you to someone else. Don’t just rage and vent about how it’s unfair and she sucks as a wife. That’s just weakness and weakness is what got you into this mess in the first place. Actually focus your anger to motivate yourself into being not just a better man, but the best man you can be.

Or in short, if the problem is too much weaksauce Jedi, add some Sith. Easy on the Force Choking though. Never ends well.

Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength.  Through strength, I gain power.  Through power, I gain victory.  Through victory, my chains are broken.  The Force shall free me.       – The Sith Code

 

The Most Difficult Job In The World

Here’s the headline… Is ‘Opting Out’ The New American Dream For Working Women?

The short version: Women have started to figure out that it’s more fun and easier being at home than going to work. I mean it’s better for the kids yada yada yada, whatever… There’s started to be an actual shift out of the workforce, back to the home.

Here’s the most important part of the of the article. In fact we know it’s the most important part of the article because it’s the only thing they bolded in case men read it and didn’t know what was expected of them.

But it’s true: according to our survey, 84% of working women told ForbesWoman and TheBump that staying home to raise children is a financial luxury they aspire to.

What’s more, more than one in three resent their partner for not earning enough to make that dream a reality.

So let’s speak plainly. Huge numbers of women want to go back home and raise the kids and one in three Fitness Test their husbands into a sexless marriage because he can’t provide them with their dream in a down economy.

Look, I’m really torn by this. I think having someone at home is great if you can afford it, but if you turn one spouse into the financial dependant on the other, there’s significant risk in a no-fault divorce society of an unmitigated disaster in the future. After a divorce, no matter how you slice up one income between two households, there’s going to be a ton of pain to spread around. But at the same time, it’s a bit of a return to more traditional values and thinking. Family matters, relationships matter, kids do better with an adult around rather than a key under the mat and junk-food. Hell I work from home now and I can see how everyone looks a little happier.

The great risk is that the husband that encourages/caves/allows his wife to stay home with the kids for a decade or more, really is somewhat de facto adopting her financially. She’s become his dependant. If she then “takes early retirement” and turns into a worthless house keeper, a crappy cook, a neglectful mother, mires herself in soap operas, trolls Facebook and even cheats on him… he’s got no easy options for fixing the situation. The minimum requirement for effort as a stay at home parent, is the threshold where the state decides it needs to remove the children from the house. So unless the state moves in, all the husband can do is choose between putting up with it, or divorcing and having his wallet removed through his rectum.

The nightmare / dream is this…

So anyway…

…here’s the deal. There’s not enough to do at home once the kids are in school to keep an adult properly occupied. There’s just not. Anyone who says otherwise doesn’t want you to know how great it is being at home. So they tell you it’s the most difficult job in the world. Plus if they have an IQ over 100 they just go stir-crazy from not seeing any other adults during the day other than the mailman.

As I’ve said many times, what a stay at home person needs to be, is a SAHM or SAHD “plus something”. What that plus something is, I don’t care, you just need some sort of productive activity that your spouse or any other person can look at and say, “Yep that’s actually something of value you’re doing.”  Have a part-time job, take care of someone’s elderly parent that needs some kind of assistance, special needs kids majorly up the effort needed too, run the PTA, teach music on the weekend… seriously anything other than soap operas and Facebook. Get outside and walk around if nothing else, especially if you look like a bag of soccer balls.

The truth is many SAHMs are already SAHMs+Something, but some aren’t. You have to make very very sure of things before agreeing that a working wife should become a SAHM. It’s a very significant decision, right up there with getting married in the first place.

Also for women who want the SAHM route… you’re making a serious choice too. It’s not Marriage 1.0 anymore with copious alimony, it’s Marriage 2.0 with a lot of variance in alimony and child support. Even if you “win” the divorce and get cash and prizes, you’re still likely to have a very hard time of things financially if you can’t immediately start working. Doesn’t matter how you split one income over two households, it’s going to be worse than before. You may find yourself unable to extract yourself from a truly terrible marriage because you can’t afford it. Also assume that if you are divorced and you can’t find proper employment promptly, you’re going to have to consider finding a new male partner quickly, with his income being his most important feature. Which is to say, he might bring home the bacon, but not be someone you’re terribly into getting naked with. Blowjobs on the second date and all that. Welcome to Marriage 2.ho.

Oh and $1500 of Mary Kay cosmetics in the hall closet and you selling $40 of foundation to your mother doesn’t count as “plus something”. That’s called you wasting $1460.

 

 

The Awkward Post About How Penis Size Matters

Look I hate to be a downer, but penis size actually matters. Every study comes back saying that most women don’t really worry about the size of the guys penis, unless he’s like way too big, or way to small. Every article on penis size ends with a serious but kind statement to the effect of “Guys it’s all in your head. So relax.”

Well as much as I’m a social science guy, I think it’s all Blue Pill prattle. Let’s have a wee peek at Wikipedia.

Human penis size is the measured length and width of the human penis. The most accurate measurement of the human penis comes from several measurements at different times since there is natural minor variability in size due to arousal level, time of day, room temperature, frequency of sexual activity, and reliability of measurement. When compared to other primates, including large primates such as the gorilla, the human penis is largest, both in absolute terms and in relative size to the rest of the body. Measurements vary, with studies that rely on self-measurement reporting a significantly higher average than those with staff measuring. However, the mean of an erect human penis is approximately 12.9–15.0 cm (5.1–5.9 in) in length. Flaccid penis length is a poor estimate of erect length. Most of human penis growth happens between infancy and the age of five, and between about one year after the onset of puberty and, at latest, approximately 17 years of age.[1]

So while the studies all say “size matters not”, we’re all walking around with what amounts to a big cock compared to our primate cousins. That unusually large human penis is the result of sexual selection. Meaning in plain English, human females kept choosing human males with above average penis size, and after that went on long enough, we all ended up… proportionately… slightly better hung than horses. (But not quite as good as an African Bull Elephant.)

So I have to think women all, shall we say, “soften the truth” to the pasty nerdy guy holding a clipboard in his slightly shaking hands as he asks an actual girl how much penis size matters.

So…

Penises come in four types to women, and where the lines on actual inches are varies from woman to woman, so it’s all relative.

(1)  Way too small. There’s just nothing you can do about this one. If she’s really into you and as soon as she sees your penis the entire relationship changes direction toward you being dumped, you’re too small for her. No matter what she says was the issue, it’s cock size that was the issue.

(2) Way too big. Oh it may look majestic and powerful, but if she’s basically in pain from sex, she won’t like it very much. Being very long can smack something internally and she’s going to worry about being not merely “a good kind of sore”, but actually injured from sex. Plus there’s no such thing as a quickee, there’s take-a-lot-of-time-and-lubrication-and-take-it-slow-ow-ow-ow-I-said-slow. Some women also need to feel the guys balls slapping against them too, so if those are a couple inches clear because he can’t go balls deep, it’s not as fun for her.

(3)  Just right. Some lucky couples have a perfect match up. He’s right on her maximum limit of what she can take without heading into too big world. He can pound rough and it doesn’t hurt, or slow and sweet and it still feels good. If this is you, you have a good thing going and can probably have an easy time of gaming your wife. I guessing around 5% of couples fall in this group.

(4)  How Much Money Do You Make? The truth is, about 90% of all guys fall into this group. Your penis is within operational parameters, it’s not way too small, or way too big, but neither is it just right. What you do however is compensate by making money, running game, having a proper house, not taking her shit for no reason, and generally doing everything else I’ve been talking about on the blog. As long as you’re doing all that consistently, you’re probably going to be just fine, that’s what women mean when they say size doesn’t matter… they assume the penis is attached to a great guy who isn’t way too small or way too big. They aren’t going to dump you to put themselves back on the market for some other guy who probably has the same dick size as you anyway.

I gotta be honest though, the closer you are to the small end of (4), the more effort you need to put into keeping your crap together. All things being equal, if two guys lose their job and end up sitting at home playing too much Halo, when they should be looking for work, the guy with the four inch dick is skating on a lot thinner ice than the guy with the six inch dick. That’s all I’m saying, ya’ll know its true, it’s just ugly to say it out loud.

If you’re on the smaller side, it is an utterly terrible idea to introduce swinging, hotwife, or polyamory into the relationship. If she gets a “Just Right” match up, you’re in a world of trouble faster than you can blink. Likewise when getting involved with high partner count women, you have to assume that somewhere back in the past is a Mr. Just Right, and if that guy Facebooks her out of the blue, you’re going to have a harder time of time pulling it back from the brink.

If you are particularly small, don’t give up. Just like male genitals come in all sizes, so do female ones. Keep looking and even advertise it quietly but confidently. For a small percentage of women it’s not a bug, it’s a feature. A woman who is very small in the triangle with an above average hung husband isn’t going to be a happy camper.

There’s also a fairly significant positive boost to marital happiness, self reported sexual enjoyment and reduced divorce chances from marrying a virgin (or at least a virgin when you met her) woman. I gotta wonder how much of that is directly related to an “ignorance is bliss” effect, where lack of experience means wives married to a husband with a type (4), believe that it’s in fact a type (3) penis.

Also something to consider is that almost all penis size “studies” ask for volunteers to allow themselves to be measured. So the results can be thrown off by a bunch of self-selecting bigger than average guys volunteering to drop their jeans to be measured by some female grad student with a flippy ponytail. So as far as I can tell there’s no clear understanding as to what exactly is average anyway. If you’re worried about how big you are, try getting a side on view in the bathroom mirror of your wife blowing you...

…it may surprise you.

Does Wanting To Have Sex With Other People Go Away?

Serenity:  Let me ask you this since we’re being all open and honest and all…I know you’ve said that even though you love your wife, you’re still sometimes attracted to other women. Do you think that can ever change?  I still have to fight that in myself. Is it possible to ever be so much in love with your spouse that you’re no longer attracted to others? It’s tiring sometimes to always have to shut your mind down.

Athol:  Understanding how the three love systems work is helpful here.

(1)  The basic “oh she’s hot” testosterone sex drive will never go away. A nice rack is a nice rack is a nice rack. Velly Nice. This one simply can’t be helped as long as you have testosterone and a pulse. I check out other women all the time. Not in a creepy hands doing something under my raincoat sort of way, more in a sort of a dirty anthropologist way. So if you happen to catch me checking you out, please just relax, the photos are for science.

(2)  The pair bonding oxytocin/vasopressin system between Jennifer and myself is very strong. I can totally appreciate a stunning girl and have no impulse to live with her whatsoever. I really like Jennifer and she’s someone I trust and never want to hurt… non-consensually. Actually back up a little… I can totally appreciate a stunning girl and have no impulse to be her friend or trust her. Some of that is simply being 42 instead of 22 I think, but a lot is just being bonded to Jennifer. After having an orgasm with Jennifer I pretty much have an automatic nap that I have no control over, just the vasopressin pathways with a deep groove in my head.

So I’m horny and happy, and that’s all good. The potential trouble of the (1) system is handled by frequent sex and the (2) system. Being laid like tile really helps. I’ve had a couple of blindingly obvious offers for sex in the last few years (“oh nurse, can I show you something in private, I just want to know if it’s okay… how does THAT look?”) and turning them down was actually pretty easy, especially the guys.

My trouble… and likely your trouble too, comes from the third love system…

(3)  Most couples have a higher desire person and a lower desire person. That’s simply in comparison to each other though, in our relationship, Jennifer is the low desire spouse, really only wanting sex for her own pleasure 5-6 times a week. If she was with a guy that only wanted sex 2-3 times a week, she’d be the high desire spouse.

So anyway, I’m the high desire spouse, and that desire is not just a sexual desire thing, but also an overall need for stimulation and attention. It’s a need for dopamine. Mix in my ADHD and I’m pretty much… pretty much…. okay fuck it I’ll say it, I’m the Crazy Bitch in the relationship.

Jennifer: Lmao, I would like to point out that he said it, I didn’t.

Anyway… I do get bored and understimulated and that’s where I go astray and get into trouble. It’s so easy for me to start chatting and flirting and BAM! I’m starting to emotionally engage with someone and I can feel myself starting to line up a set of crosshairs on them. I’m much, much better at recognizing when I’m doing it and breaking things off nowdays though. Awareness of what is happening on a dopamine level is really helpful in breaking things off. Whoever I’m talking to is simply not my soulmate or a special snowflake, they just emotionally feel that way. In reality she’s just some pleasant, attractive, interested in me woman, and everything in my head is lighting up on cue. Attraction isn’t controllable. But breaking it off early is. I’ve actually done really really well with this the last year.

The other half of the fix is understanding that it’s just a need for stimulation, there’s nothing whatsoever wrong with the relationship, me being bored doesn’t mean Jennifer sucks as a wife. Well she does suck the other way, but you know what I meant. It means I can just ask for stimulation from Jennifer. “Help I’m starting to feel nutty, I need X Y or Z tonight.”  I used to meet that whole dopamine thing via World of Warcraft as a form of self-medication.  Now I write the blog, swoop in to help marital crises yada yada, and ask for particularly intense sex acts.

I’ve given Jennifer near total information on what turns me on emotionally and sexually. Hell you guys can just read the blog and you’ll figure out 90% of what turns me on. It’s really not rocket science or mind reading to push my buttons. There are things that she can do that pull my attention onto her. If you ever hear that we divorce it will totally be Jennifer’s fault for not following the handy 57 page guide to my personal kink. RTFM.

What was the question again?

Oh. No, it doesn’t all vanish. Not if you’re basically high libido and have a pulse. But that doesn’t mean you’re eyeing the exit or standing at the window whimpering to be let out. All it is, is a need for stimulation that you have to pay attention to. I also get that it’s an effort to try and shut your mind down about other people sometimes, but the solution is to ask for help from your partner and clue them into what to do. You just need to have the conversation about “this is asking for help and working on our marriage” as opposed to “I’m threatening to cheat on you”.  It’s completely possible to manage it forever… and have some amazing sexual experiences together “managing it.”

Jennifer:  All true. Athol is fun to live with… tiring lol, but fun.

Sexy Moves: Comfort and Coping

Jennifer has been taken down with a tummy bug the last few days and only is just starting to look halfway normal.

So Goofy and Groping OFF, and Comfort and Coping ON.

I don’t think I’ve made a pass at her of any kind since… er Sunday? It hit her Monday and it’s Wednesday now. Playfulness dialed way way back and pretty much letting her nap as much as she can. Basically Beta turned up to 11 doing all the chores, all the cooking, all the kid duty and making special trips for soda, soup, ginger cookies yada yada.

She had a couple of critical work related things that she stubbornly refused to let fall to shit, so I escorted her because she’d probably just get in her car and drive away dehydrated and loopy if I didn’t. Grrrr, don’t make me go all Fifty Shades of Kay on you. At least on the way back home she admitted I was right to have refused to let her drive herself.

Ate a small but normal dinner tonight, just looks tired. Only needs to do two hours work tomorrow or something. I’ll probably clear her for that lol.

Anyway…

So be honest, I actually enjoy taking care of her like this. Oh I don’t enjoy her being sick, I just like the excuse to turn the Beta way up and coddle her a little. It’s kinda fun. She even whined that she’d been neglecting me… which is true, because she has… but she’s been sick, so it doesn’t matter. That’s why we’re married to each other. I don’t even mind skipping the sex and getting a little pent up. It’s all in a good cause as while I’m kinky as a messed up slinky, banging nauseous and dehydrated chicks just isn’t my bag baby. (If you must try it out, I recommend doggy style…)

I can do all this total Beta stuff because it’s a temporary situation. Tomorrow she’ll be mostly better and I’ll play a 50% Goofy and Groping and 50% Comfort and Coping Game. Friday and it’s gonna to be all back to normal. She’ll go back to handling all her regular stuff and putting out for me. I’ll do all my regular stuff again. If this was a long term illness, we would have to adjust things more finely, but for a short term, it’s fun.

So keep an eye out for moments of genuine need and swoop it and deliver the Comfort and Caring. Just handle the situation and relive her of duty. When she actually needs Beta love, getting it is hitting the sweet spot, while you walking around delivering Beta overload when she doesn’t actually need that much, feels suffocating to her. So do revert to normal once the need has passed. It’s a reasonable request to be given special attention when you’re genuinely sick.

The one caveat to all this that she needs to keep a reasonable tone and ideally say thank you once in a while. Bad tempered patients should discover that the call bell is mysteriously broken. Or failing that, just tell them if they aren’t sick enough to see a doctor, they aren’t sick enough for special attention.

Jennifer:  You had me at ginger cookies.