Ah the Date Night, that most hallowed Blue Pill solution to marital woes. If you just had a Date Night once a week, your marriage would magically transform into the delightful paradise that is the ideal marriage.
Well it’s all very nice thinking, but glosses over that fact that 99% of the married people can’t afford a weekly Date Night and it’s also pretty hard to find a decent babysitter as well. Which I guess just makes the husband a failure for not being part of the 1%. Sweet.
Let’s assume like a mission to launch a cool robot to Mars, the planets have sufficiently aligned to green light an attempt at Date Night. Extra cash, check. Baby sitter, check. Expensive fun thing to do, check. Fresh breath, check. Car has gas, check. Purposefully bending over backwards not doing anything to piss her off for 72-96 hours before Date Night, check. Masturbation 24 hours before expected sex to release pressure to avoid awkward premature ejaculation, check.
Houston we have a go.
It starts off really really well. Date Night clears the tower and roars majestically upwards, it’s long tail of red hot desire lighting up the evening sky. You’re so getting laid tonight.
It’s perfect. So perfect. Nothing can go wrong.
“Ahhh… Houston we have a warning light on the Alpha tank. Repeat, warning light on Alpha.”
Then something fairly minor happens. Maybe you stay something not quite funny and it’s taken as not very funny at all. Maybe the service at the restaurant wasn’t quite up to par. Maybe even though The Olive Garden is her favorite restaurant, tonight she doesn’t want to be there for some reason. Maybe the tickets you got aren’t as close to the stage as you could have gotten them. Maybe you’re not parking the car correctly. Maybe you’re just spoiling Date Night by being stupid or insensitive.
Well at this point you’re committed to the evening, so be cool. Nothing you can do about the Alpha tank now. Just ride it out and complete the mission.
Everything goes pretty well, except she’s not really enjoying it as much as you were hoping she would. The mission is a success, you had your fancy dinner, you saw the show, you didn’t get caught staring at another woman. It’s all good. Time to head home and make a smooth landing.
Then you don’t even understand how or why it happens, Date Night just goes terribly wrong on re-entry. Instead of a joyous swooping return to earth, half-way home the First Officer starts screaming at you about something, and the whole thing just blows up.
You ain’t getting laid tonight.
You’re pissed the fuck off about it too.
She broke the unwritten contract that by having a Date Night, and plying her with food, wine, fun and maybe a surprise nice thing, you were going to get laid. How dare she do that and ruin your perfectly planned evening. Why the hell do you have to jump through so many freaking hoops just to get laid BY YOUR WIFE anyway? Good grief she’s a selfish spoiled bitch who should be having sex with you. Right? Right! …right?
Ah… yes and no…
Yes - Yes indeed getting laid on Date Night is a reasonable expectation. It’s a special night to connect and have fun together. Having sex is a great way to connect and have fun, and in fact you should have a reasonable expectation that you’ll even have somewhat above average sex that night. After all, more time to relax and ease into it, no kids, a little wine. It should all be good. That’s why you have a Date Night in the first place.
No – She’s just not attracted to you sexually. An evening of special whatever simply isn’t going to make that change in a single evening. She doesn’t want to have sex with you, so she blew it all up in your face. If she was right on the line of being interested in you, Date Night might have earned you getting laid on Date Night, but if she’s below the line if interest in you, the whole evening is just unwanted pressure to screw a guy she doesn’t want to screw.
If you were both single and this date went down, she wouldn’t go back to your place. She’d probably screen your calls out afterwards too. She’s just not interested, but she’s married to you, so she has to go back to your place and find a way to ruin the evening.
So what to do?
You have to address the yes and the no. The yes you address by saying, “I think I have a reasonable expectation of having sex on a Date Night, and I’m not going to go through that sort of evening again. If you’re willing to have sex with me on a Date Night cool, but if not, I’m not interested in having a Date Night.”
The no you address by finding a private place, where no one will find you, and having an episode of just bawling your eyes out. Admitting to yourself that she just doesn’t want to have sex with you, not even with a pretty please and a couple hundred bucks of cherry on top, feels like someone shotgunned you in the chest. I’m serious about the crying, let it out. Cry out the pain, but save the anger… and yes indeed, you will be angry about it all.
Then fix whatever the problem is that’s killing her attraction. Buy the Primer, run the MAP and get your shit together. Get yourself into the position where six months, or a year, or two years from now, she’s the one that wants you and is freaking out about possibly losing you to someone else. Don’t just rage and vent about how it’s unfair and she sucks as a wife. That’s just weakness and weakness is what got you into this mess in the first place. Actually focus your anger to motivate yourself into being not just a better man, but the best man you can be.
Or in short, if the problem is too much weaksauce Jedi, add some Sith. Easy on the Force Choking though. Never ends well.
Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength. Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken. The Force shall free me. – The Sith Code