Miss Communication and Sexy Girl Game Initiation

Oh this one would be hysterically funny if it wasn’t so painful for the two of them. He thinks Initiation = X, she thinks Initation = Y. Read her side of the story and I’ll bold where he thinks he’s actually initating sex…. every single night…


Purple: I know this has been discussed before for women – the whole, “what counts as initiation from your wife?” thing. But I’m asking for men.

What counts as actual initiation for a man?

Right now I feel like I’m doing MOST of the initiation. A typical night of sex plays out like this:

– Go to bed.

– Lay in bed. Husband will cuddle up to me and slip hand under shirt and fondle boobs/play with nipples for a couple seconds.

After a couple of minutes of this, he backs off and will either lay on his back and wait for me to start pushing towards sex, or will just roll away from me completely and go to sleep. Every few days, I make sure that I grind my ass into him to make it clear that I’m down for sex, or jump at him and start playing with his dick, or take my pants off, or WHATEVER, to push towards getting sex. If I don’t escalate it quickly and directly, half of the time… all I end up with at night is a boob fondle and then falling to sleep frustrated.

Occasionally he’ll skip fondling my chest and do some ass slapping, or something – but again, if I don’t turn to him and escalate quickly, it doesn’t go anywhere.

Every once in a while, he’ll go straight to fingering me – which DOES count as initiation IMO – but its also not very pleasant, because … um… going directly to the clit when I’m basically dry as a bone and not even remotely turned on … it just hurts.

What do most of the Captains do to initiate? I don’t even really know which way I want to lead my husband in this department, because I’m just not really sure what I’m looking for. Its nice – on the uber rare occasion – that he strokes my sides, rubs my back, boob-grabs, kisses my neck, etc – but I feel like initiation doesn’t have to start right as we’re getting into bed. Is that right? Like last night – about an hour before bed, I was on my hands and knees picking up some toys from the floor. He said, “Ooh… I think you’ll be doing that again later tonight.” THAT works for me, because then I knew when I was getting into bed that we were going for doggie.

Basically – his foreplay sucks. He doesn’t initiate – he drops a hint and then leaves it to me. My plan right now is to stop initiating completely. He can fondle boobs all he wants, but if that’s all he’s gonna do, then that’s all he’s gonna get. How do you teach a guy to initiate? I haven’t talked to him about this because a) I’m embarrassed and b) I don’t know what to tell him to direct him in a useful/not condescending way.

I could use some hot ideas!


Athol: So in short, he’s been trying to initate every single night, but the wiring is crossed as to what he thinks is her responding positively to his approach.

She’s only been responding every few days in a way that he clearly understands is a positive response, because she doesn’t see him as actually initating sex.

He’s being a good little Blue Pill guy and politely, respectfully and appropriately in his mind, rolling over and not pressuring her for sex. He’s also heartbroken about having the door slammed shut on him most nights.

So… solutions…

It sounds like you’re both quite horny. So why not have the disscussion where you experiment with every night assuming that the default setting is “yes” to sex. Then if someone doesn’t want it, you have to verbally express “not tonight” and cuddle and nod off together.

If his finger in your vagina feels like you’re being gored by a bull, tell him to stop and either lick it or lube it and then come back to the fingering. “Ow” is a safeword. If something hurts, it’s okay to say something about it and make an adjustment.

If you want him to CLEARLY UNDERSTAND you want sex… Touch Him On The Penis. It’s the only thing men 100% understand. Or perhaps try saying something like, “I want your cock inside me so bad baby.”

I get that sometimes you just want to be taken in the heat of the moment, but he’s probably a few months away from that happening because he feels frightened of you reacting badly to him trying that. So in the meantime, if you want a non verbal way of clearly communicating a desire for him to just start fucking the hell out of you, you can try some of these…

(1)  Be naked. Get on your hands and knees, resting your weight on your forearms. Look at him directly and breathe slowly and heavily as you take a loooooong slow blink, then drop your head down and slowly wiggle your ass at him.

(2)  Be naked. Kick all the covers off and lay on your back with your legs spread. Look at him directly and breathe slowly and heavily as you take a loooooong slow blink, as you fondle your breasts with one hand and finger yourself with the other.

(3)  Be naked. Lay on your back wearing a blindfold. Take a hair scrunchy and put your hands through it and figure 8 it around your wrists and lay your arms above your head.

(4)  Be naked. Drink yourself into unconsciousness, leaving a handwritten note that says, “Do what you must.”

(5)  Be naked. You. Laptop. Porn. In progress when he comes to bed.

(6)  Be naked. When he gets in bed, stand up on the bed over him and do the butt wiggle dance for him. Jiggle your boobs and slap your ass a few times.

(7)  Be naked. Naked except for some slutty come fuck me heels. No no no, don’t take them off, leave them on. (song lyric bonus points in the comments)

(8)  Be naked. Ask him for $50 with a very dirty smile and a giggle.

(9)  Be naked. Hand him the Redi-Whip, ask him if he likes pie.

(10) Be naked. Him on his back, just straddle him in the cowgirl postion without his cock inside you. Grind on him and play with his cock.


Jennifer:  Well… I guess I have my to do list for the week.





Baby You Can Start My Car

Blockhead:  Here in the Midwest, its starting to get cold now in the mornings.

I usually leave the house about 5 – 10 minutes before she/kids do, Since its been getting cold, As I am walking out the door to leave, she will ask me start/warm her car up. Never really though about it before and have always done it in the past, but after reading MMSL/shit tests I am wondering if this is a shit test and a beta move?

Any thoughts?

Athol:   If you’re already walking out there and it takes you ten seconds to start her car for her… seems like a nice Beta move.

She should be saying “thank you” / kissing you goodbye though. Tit for Tat. It’s just a nice Tit for a nice Tat. Now if you were staying home and she was going out, and then she went all pouty and whiny to get you to go out there and start her car… then that’s her testing you.

If I’m doing the morning routine with the kids, I bring Jennifer a cup of tea. I’m already making me coffee, we have a Keurig thingy so it only takes me a minute to make her something while I’m making my own. She always says thank you and actively enjoys the Act of Service. She also knows that all she needs to do once is say, “Where’s my tea?” in a snarky tone and she’ll get a whithering look and a big cup of make-your-own-fucking-tea.

Something to watch is whether or not small acts of service are also returned to you. I do nice things for Jennifer, but she also does many nice things back to me. For which I also say thank you.

If it’s all a one way flow of your energy into your partner… even if they are being nice and appreciative about it… that just means you’re doing everything they want for nothing but praise. Which is simply talk and not action. If they are performing actions for other people though… hmmm.


Life Continues On

We are very fortunate to be riding out the storm so well that my one great annoyance with this hurricane is that the kids are home from school, just as I started hitting a rhythm of writing. I’ve started going to the main city library to write during the day and obviously that isn’t happening in the middle of a hurricane. Maybe not getting to the library is a First World problem, but that’s how I roll. Maybe I’m reaching too high, but I mapped out the next three years worth of writing and speaking creation tasks and have some good ideas of where MMSL is headed.

My other move is that Jennifer and I are joining a gym, mostly because I’m going stir crazy alone at home without a more social group to be part of. So more structured things to do and places to go. I need some new habits… and if they involve 930am Zumba with bored housewives, I’m okay with that. Shit, Jennifer wasn’t meant to read that.

Speaking of Jennifer, we’re continuing to work on empowering her a little more and have strung quite a few rounds of the tease and denial games back to back to back over the last month. We’ve had some confusing moments, but overall it’s been fun. Every marriage has ups and downs, and this feels like more of an upswing. It’s actually been extremely interesting to experience my feelings for her change the longer it goes between orgasms. Day 1 I like her, Day 2 I’m interested in her, Day 3 she’s amazing, Day 4 and beyond she’s the chosen one. I actually had an experience a couple weeks back where I was driving at night with Jennifer and having rolling flashbacks / deja vu that I was driving around with my first girlfriend. Basically a similar experience plus the same mental state, so both wonderful and very interesting from a neurological point of view.

And I broke down and got the damn Warcraft expansion. Rolled a Monk, pushed fairly hard up to the level cap hitting Level 90 on Tuesday, ran my Heroics for gear and 6 for 6 Bosses down in a Raidfinder run on Saturday. Pretty much third on healing. At this point there’s not a lot more to do with the character except wait for the weekly reset and get the total needed play time down to a 5-6 hours a week. Might look for a casual raid guild to do a couple of structured nights play. It’s more fun than watching TV that’s for sure.

Finally have the payday money for my Army retreat in my possession and while not broke, it’s our buffer… Jennifer all clingy tonight lol.  It’s also the next book production money and makes things a lot easier to do. This time around I’m trying the Createspace cover people and likely interior design as well. Kindle is 80% of sales, so the paperback is somewhat a vanity thing, but I’m so used to wanting to hold a book that I think I need it for myself. Things to get done sooner rather than later though. Jennifer finished her round of editing the Rules book tonight, so have something to plow ahead on tomorrow.

It’s been a totally strange experience finishing up nursing and suddenly turning into a full time writer person. You would think that it would have been a completely easy transition. It’s not been nearly as easy as I thought. I’m getting there though. One of the things that I’ve really learned over the last few years is that your shot doesn’t have to be pretty, you just need to get the ball to go through the hoop. Don’t wait forever for the perfect moment to take your shot… it never comes.


Damn Italy You Scary

This is one of those shaggy dog posts where I wander around and finally make a point tying it all together…

We’ve got the big storm rolling in tonight, through Monday and into Tuesday. Hopefully no power outages… school has already been cancelled for the next two days and the kids are home. Teenagers + power outrage + trapped inside = bad tempered pouting and frankly the kids don’t handle it any better than I do lol.


I’ve been having endless thoughts about this totally inane Italian court case against scientists supposedly predicting an earthquake wouldn’t happen in Italy. It would all be laughable except they were all found guilty of manslaughter and sentenced to six years’ jail time. Apparently the phrase “We don’t think there will be a serious earthquake but you obviously can never rule it out.” was taken to mean, “Stay in your shitty homes constructed in medieval times, L’Aquia has been completely leveled three times in it’s history by earthquakes, and well you know how things come in threes.”

Having grown up in Wellington, New Zealand, I’m totally familiar with earthquakes and have felt several dozen strong enough to be noticeable. The entire city population is completely aware of earthquakes and what causes them. There’s always a middle school trip to see the seismic center measuring them off Victoria University. You can just stand there and watch the little needle twitching it’s jagged line on the scrolling paper in real time. The earthquakes never really stop. Wellington building codes are extremely strict for a major population center, “high rise” means six stories tall… and those buildings sit on massive coiled springs acting as shock absorbers. The greatest shock to Wellingtonians was that the big one in fact hit two hundred miles south in Christchurch a few years back on a fault line no one knew about.

What causes earthquakes is well understood by science, but obviously we are a long way off from any hope of predictive modeling for when major quakes hit. Even then, I’m thinking it’s going to be like weather forecasting… only fairly accurate.

What concerns me most though is that the entire city of a western nation is so scientifically illiterate, about their primary natural disaster concern, that they could demand what amounts to human sacrifices to appease their sense of vengeance against natural forces. If that doesn’t scare the shit out of you, I don’t know what will. That’s really really really bad. It’s not that far off throwing virgins into the volcano, which frankly is a waste of virgins.

I’m usually a pretty positive guy about civilization, but the truth is civilization can go backward scientifically. Realistically there could have been a man on the moon by say about the 16th Century…  but there wasn’t…  because we went backwards.

So anyway, as much as we all joke about weather forecasters having the ultimate bullshit job in the universe, for the most part they are reasonably accurate in short term prediction thanks to all the computer modeling. A hurricane 500 miles across is coming, we’re going to get the wind side of it as opposed to the rain side of it. Zeus played no part in making it because he only makes the nice days, it’s not punishment for sin unless it’s a country where people aren’t white. For what it’s worth, I find that all deeply comforting that we have the knowledge it’s coming and what to do about it. You just stock up on supplies, nail stuff down and ride it out as best you can.

Last year all of Connecticut was essentially without power for an average of about a week after the 2011 storm. The culprit was far too many untrimmed trees acting in a unison of Arborgeddon taking down power lines in one massive swoop. Which is to say we humans screwed it up. This year the trees are trimmed and already 1000 linemen have been brought in from Ohio in readiness. People learned a lot of lessons from last year and we’re as ready as we’re going to be.


Thanks to science, plenty of things are “fairly predictable” but it’s all a little like golf in that you’re expecting to drive the ball somewhere near the pin and not hit a hole-in-one every time. Good enough is good enough.

You and your relationship are also “fairly predictable” too. Once you understand how dopamine, oxyticin, vasopressin, testosterone et al work, a lot of things in your relationship and sex life become a lot clearer. I can’t give you a guarantee of exactly how things will play out, but storms in your relationship are fairly predictable too. The good news is that you can do things to be ready for them and when the bad stuff happens, instead of your whole life pancaking down like bad Italian construction, you can ride it out with minimal damage and maybe something to bond over. Some people find MMSL too late to save their relationship… even then, it helps you prepare for the next one.

So anyway… yay science and human effort.

Too Long Didn’t Read…

When Your Husband Won’t Act Alpha Even When You Beg Him

AlphaBelle:  Talk to me about this FAP thing. I have been concerned/unhaaaaaaapy lol with the state of things for over a year. Read and talked and read some more. Finally found MMSL about 6 months ago, and had words to express what was wrong with my marriage.

I have no IRL friends to discuss this with.

My H is receptive, but since I found all this and basically threw it plus nmmng at his head during a meltdown, he is reacting to my complaints, not running the MAP on his own. He is a deeply ingrained nice guy, plus introvert and brainiac. So it’s going veeeerrrry slowly.

I am tired.

Of being the motivator. Of seeing all The things he used to do that he doesn’t anymore. Of having to get upset every 2.4 weeks to re motivate him and remind him that I’m serious about this. Of having to do the pull back/reward routine when I just want a really nice happy normal sex life with nightly sex. Of evaluating whether I’m hamstering or really justifiably frustrated, or expecting too much at this point.

Of feeling like I am still running things, by running my FAP and manipulating him into waking up that dang dormant Alpha side again.

I am tired.

Talk to me about my expectations and where I’m going with this. I see and feel progress, but I feel like I am spoon feeding him what I want him to say/do/be and I don’t want to do it anymore.

I want him to read and act and do because he wants to, not because I’m unhappy.

Basically I feel like a witch and like I’m making him feel like he can’t do anything right. But when I ease up, he acts like, “whew. Got that figured out.”


Athol:  Then stop trying to change him. Every time you “motivate him” you’re just sending him a message that he’s the most important thing in your world, he has your complete attention and is in total control of the relationship.

Change you. Make yourself as attractive as you can be, start exhibiting very mild disloyalty.

Right now your entire relationship could be summed up as….

You —-e-n-e-r-g-y—-> Him

So why would he do anything to change that situation?

Cutting that energy flow off will get his attention.

There’s no need for him to act at all Alpha, when you’re acting like his orbiter sending out a Mayday call.

If you become as attractive as you can be and start visiting the magical world of “out”, he’s going to start wondering why you’re not paying him attention and dreading that you’re paying attention to someone else. It’s only when you’re acting more Alpha is he going to need to act more Alpha around you.

Not for nothing, but the men that find MMSL on their own are always highly motivated to make change because they are deeply worried about how their relationship is going. Men simply don’t respond to “I’m unhappy”, “I’m unhaaaaaaaappy!” or “You suck! That’s why I’m so unhappy!”  They do very much respond to wives dressing up nice and spending time with other men though.

I’m not saying it’s polite to do it, I’m just saying what works.