Oh this one would be hysterically funny if it wasn’t so painful for the two of them. He thinks Initiation = X, she thinks Initation = Y. Read her side of the story and I’ll bold where he thinks he’s actually initating sex…. every single night…
Purple: I know this has been discussed before for women – the whole, “what counts as initiation from your wife?” thing. But I’m asking for men.
What counts as actual initiation for a man?
Right now I feel like I’m doing MOST of the initiation. A typical night of sex plays out like this:
- Go to bed.
- Lay in bed. Husband will cuddle up to me and slip hand under shirt and fondle boobs/play with nipples for a couple seconds.
- After a couple of minutes of this, he backs off and will either lay on his back and wait for me to start pushing towards sex, or will just roll away from me completely and go to sleep. Every few days, I make sure that I grind my ass into him to make it clear that I’m down for sex, or jump at him and start playing with his dick, or take my pants off, or WHATEVER, to push towards getting sex. If I don’t escalate it quickly and directly, half of the time… all I end up with at night is a boob fondle and then falling to sleep frustrated.
Occasionally he’ll skip fondling my chest and do some ass slapping, or something – but again, if I don’t turn to him and escalate quickly, it doesn’t go anywhere.
Every once in a while, he’ll go straight to fingering me – which DOES count as initiation IMO – but its also not very pleasant, because … um… going directly to the clit when I’m basically dry as a bone and not even remotely turned on … it just hurts.
What do most of the Captains do to initiate? I don’t even really know which way I want to lead my husband in this department, because I’m just not really sure what I’m looking for. Its nice – on the uber rare occasion – that he strokes my sides, rubs my back, boob-grabs, kisses my neck, etc – but I feel like initiation doesn’t have to start right as we’re getting into bed. Is that right? Like last night – about an hour before bed, I was on my hands and knees picking up some toys from the floor. He said, “Ooh… I think you’ll be doing that again later tonight.” THAT works for me, because then I knew when I was getting into bed that we were going for doggie.
Basically – his foreplay sucks. He doesn’t initiate – he drops a hint and then leaves it to me. My plan right now is to stop initiating completely. He can fondle boobs all he wants, but if that’s all he’s gonna do, then that’s all he’s gonna get. How do you teach a guy to initiate? I haven’t talked to him about this because a) I’m embarrassed and b) I don’t know what to tell him to direct him in a useful/not condescending way.
I could use some hot ideas!
Athol: So in short, he’s been trying to initate every single night, but the wiring is crossed as to what he thinks is her responding positively to his approach.
She’s only been responding every few days in a way that he clearly understands is a positive response, because she doesn’t see him as actually initating sex.
He’s being a good little Blue Pill guy and politely, respectfully and appropriately in his mind, rolling over and not pressuring her for sex. He’s also heartbroken about having the door slammed shut on him most nights.
It sounds like you’re both quite horny. So why not have the disscussion where you experiment with every night assuming that the default setting is “yes” to sex. Then if someone doesn’t want it, you have to verbally express “not tonight” and cuddle and nod off together.
If his finger in your vagina feels like you’re being gored by a bull, tell him to stop and either lick it or lube it and then come back to the fingering. “Ow” is a safeword. If something hurts, it’s okay to say something about it and make an adjustment.
If you want him to CLEARLY UNDERSTAND you want sex… Touch Him On The Penis. It’s the only thing men 100% understand. Or perhaps try saying something like, “I want your cock inside me so bad baby.”
I get that sometimes you just want to be taken in the heat of the moment, but he’s probably a few months away from that happening because he feels frightened of you reacting badly to him trying that. So in the meantime, if you want a non verbal way of clearly communicating a desire for him to just start fucking the hell out of you, you can try some of these…
(1) Be naked. Get on your hands and knees, resting your weight on your forearms. Look at him directly and breathe slowly and heavily as you take a loooooong slow blink, then drop your head down and slowly wiggle your ass at him.
(2) Be naked. Kick all the covers off and lay on your back with your legs spread. Look at him directly and breathe slowly and heavily as you take a loooooong slow blink, as you fondle your breasts with one hand and finger yourself with the other.
(3) Be naked. Lay on your back wearing a blindfold. Take a hair scrunchy and put your hands through it and figure 8 it around your wrists and lay your arms above your head.
(4) Be naked. Drink yourself into unconsciousness, leaving a handwritten note that says, “Do what you must.”
(5) Be naked. You. Laptop. Porn. In progress when he comes to bed.
(6) Be naked. When he gets in bed, stand up on the bed over him and do the butt wiggle dance for him. Jiggle your boobs and slap your ass a few times.
(7) Be naked. Naked except for some slutty come fuck me heels. No no no, don’t take them off, leave them on. (song lyric bonus points in the comments)
(8) Be naked. Ask him for $50 with a very dirty smile and a giggle.
(9) Be naked. Hand him the Redi-Whip, ask him if he likes pie.
(10) Be naked. Him on his back, just straddle him in the cowgirl postion without his cock inside you. Grind on him and play with his cock.
Jennifer: Well… I guess I have my to do list for the week.