I’ve had a long email exchange over a few days now. At first it’s mildly tedious as I answer – yet again – the basics. But at the end is a moment of zen as the student teaches the teacher and a new term is created…
Reader: I was thinking that there are two types of beta – good and bad. Now, though, after living through this, i wonder if alpha/beta is more alpha/something else, eliminate squirrelly beta behavior. All the behaviors you say to stop should be stopped. Grow a backbone. Don’t ever do something she can do herself. Pick up the kids. That’s not the task. Pick up the kids when her idiot boss keeps her late at work. That’s a no-brainer, and you do it because it needs to be done. It’s not the same thing.
Relationship comfort is not picking up the kids because her boss in an ass. Relationship comfort is based in making sure she knows she’s your Number One. It *is* the loyalty factor. Our wedding rings and engagement tattoos are claddaghs. Love is easy. Friendship means we like each other and respect each other on another level. Loyalty is both sexual and social. Monogamy. Mate guarding. Direct expressions of husband/wife-dom. None of these are beta activities. They are neither alpha nor beta.
You may have a x/y/z rather than an x/y formula, with x and z being desired at high levels, and y at low levels. Just a thought.
Athol: Alpha = attraction = dopamine
Beta = comfort = oxytocin
Physical = horny = testosterone/estrogen
“Bad beta” is basically something that looks like it might be good Beta, but wrapped up in a total failure of Alpha.
Good Beta = me finding two perfect jackets to go with Jennifer’s polka dot dress as a surprise and time saver.
Bad Beta = Jennifer ordering me to go find her a jacket to go with the dress in a shitty tone and me going off and finding something for her.
It’s really more a failure of Alpha than bad Beta though.
Reader: So you don’t agree with the “too much alpha” and loyalty tests, or what I’m talking about isn’t related? I’ll figure this out… it’s just not clicking yet.
Athol: Can a man be too rich and powerful? Too strong?
He can be powerful but then lack enough Beta to make the woman comfortable he isn’t just going to dump her for someone hotter.
Reader: Ok, so it’s still just alpha and beta, but there’s good alpha (wet panties) and bad alpha (asshole), good beta (loyalty) and bad beta (doormat).
Heh. The model holds up. Yup, I’m Virgo rising. Gotta deconstruct everything.
Good Alpha (strong dominant = wet panties) Weak Alpha (doormat)
Good Beta (looks after you) Weak Beta (doesn’t do anything helpful or nice)
You just see a lot of (Good Alpha + Weak Beta) guys and (Weak Alpha + Good Beta) guys that’s where the confusion comes from.
Reader: And where does asshole come in? Personality disorder? Lol
Athol: An asshole is someone you want to give you Beta attention who doesn’t.
Reader: lmao! Yup!
Reader: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!! I got it!! The loyalty tests really rang true. I never really thought I was shit testing, but I knew I was testing *something*.
So, is it this??
If the Alpha is high but bad or not enough Beta, it’s a loyalty test. If the Beta is high but bad and the Alpha is low, it’s a shit test.
Did I finally get it right? We’re just very open to talking about this in shared terms, and he had been trying to respond to what I now think are loyalty tests with the proper beta shit test response, which threw me further down the pit, thinking he was fixing to leave me. So, they’d backfire until he finally sat me down and said something completely profoundly loyal. And I’d be okay in an instant. So, I was thinking that since he’s heavy Alpha, there had to be something else at play. But, it’s simply that either his Alpha was incorrectly played, and/or his beta wasn’t there.
We’re officially living together now, and all this has gone away. Well, most of it. I still have residual fear, but when he’s right there to look me in the eye, he doesn’t even have to say anything anymore. I get it. He’s not going to leave me. And now I’m pushing him for more Alpha. heh. Go figure. Stupid hamster.
Athol: Actually all this makes a lot of sense. I’ve been arguing for nearly three years that Alpha and Beta are two separate traits of behaviors, yet only have Fitness Testing as a single term for ”acting out” behavior. Which means I’ve been kind of saying saying two things can be a problem, but there’s only one reason women can get upset. When I say it like that, makes me sound like an idiot lol.
I have talked about why wives can start getting withdrawn as their husbands improve their Sex Rank and start pulling ahead of their wives in attractiveness, just didn’t have a term for it. I think Loyalty Testing is a good one. A wife can be plenty attracted to her husband, just terrified of getting cheated on or dumped. There’s Dread Game where you inject a little of that into the mix and get a positive reaction, and then there’s losing hope that she can be anything other than a victim to his whim for how the relationship plays out. When that happens she pulls back, shuts her vagina down and braces for the emotional shotgun blast to the chest.
Which is exactly why when a wife Loyalty Tests her husband, and he bumps back on her and acts aloof and unaffected by her like it’s a Fitness Test, it makes things significantly worse between them. Playing hard to get when someone is desperate to see loyalty is the completely wrong thing to do.
So… new rules and terms…
Fitness Testing and/or ignoring you, act more Alpha
Loyalty Testing and/or clinging to you, act more Beta
- Does Fitness Testing Ever Stop? Reader: Hi Athol, I have a personal question for you. ...
- Fitness Testing: Fail To Comply With The Request Had a question in comments somewhere about handling Fitness Tests...
- I Think Haley is Fitness Testing Me… Haley sends me a cover design for my book…. I...
- Fitness Testing Seeking Sexual Intensity One of the things Jennifer and I have grown greatly...
- Female Loyalty Is A Selling Point In I Love You But I’m Not In Love With...