Hell No I Won’t Go, Except This Very Last Time

Oh the drama.

Menstrual pads.

3am.

Get up out of bed and go get some.

WTF?

No.

Waaaaaa….?

NO.

Waaaaaaahhhh!!!!

I said NO. Go get them yourself.

RRRRWWWWAAAARRRKKKK!!!!!

Its will sufferz the displeasurez of mistress rrrrrwaaaarrkkk! Sufferz for its insolence it will rrawrk!

******

Alrighty…. I’ve already covered why you don’t become Menses Boy.  If her tampons or pads are on the grocery list, then sure pick them up, but there’s no emergency needs for menstrual pads that a man ever needs to be associated with. Adult women just need to handle that for themselves, end of discussion on that point. It’s not like a guy can wake his wife up at 3am and ask her to run out and buy new batteries for his mouse because he’s playing World of Warcraft and doesn’t want to get dropped from this amazing group. Adults just come prepared for life’s little problems.

So obviously you don’t want to fail the test and run about and get her menstrual pads, or his mouse batteries, but there’s potential trap in that you try and be too nice about not getting them. You try and give a fair warning that “this is the last time I’m going to do this for you” and then you go out and collect them again… one last time…

Rwarkkkkk!!! Its is threatening disobedience to mistressez rawk! Its musts be taughtz its placez raaaaaaawk!

So yeah…

“One last time” = “Please test the hell out of me until the next time.”

It’s the difference between talk and action. If you say “I won’t do that again” and yet go get them, the actual message is that you’ll go get them. Thus you’ll be asked to go get them again and again, plus whatever else idiotic chump task they can dream up for you, until you actually refuse to comply.

By actually not going and getting it, the message is you won’t comply with the tests. Thus they will diminish in the future.

It’s really no different than if you always buy candy for a crying kid in the grocery store. Saying, “Okay I’m buying you candy for the last time because you’re crying” just means the kid gets what they want and will throw a fit on cue next time they are in the store.

The testing is really all about relationship power plays, based on your personal weakness to the other person, thus there’s not really a way to pass these tests “politely.” When you play the game of Tit for Tat, they aren’t meant to like the Tat. Just respect it.

Jennifer: Rawk! I do not sound like that!

 

 

Comments

  1. “there’s no emergency needs for menstrual pads that a man ever needs to be associated with”

    When your pregnant wife starts bleeding and needs pads, you go to the store.

    Otherwise, yeah. How many times a month is she in Target anyway?

  2. This very problem is solved by reusable pads (what are they called — Mama Pads or something? You just rinse them and throw them in the washer machine after each use) or reusable menstrual cups (Diva Cup, Moon Cup). Seriously. You can’t run out of something that you never throw away. It saves money AND avoids shit tests!

  3. Fred Flange says:

    Comedian Kevin Pollak had a good bit about buying tampons for his women – after he started getting them regularly as his career took off, which swelled his ego considerably. He would happily stroll up to the register with the package, and if anyone said anything, he’d reply: “Well we know they’re not for me, right?”

  4. “Jennifer: Rawk! I do not sound like that!”

    LMAOOOO!!! that was exactly what I was thinking! is that some kind of loud parrot or something?!?

  5. I think I would buy two packs of those “manhole covers” and hide one.

    The next time it happened I would be ready and after her period she would get a ride over my knee.

    And if she ended up enjoying that to the point that she felt it necessary to test me….monthly….then I would greatly enjoy a good excuse to turn her fanny pink….monthly.

  6. “When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die. There is no middle ground.”

  7. I agree with Purple. I’ve used a Diva Cup for +5 years now, and wouldn’t give it up for anything. Consumable menstrual products are damn expensive. One $25 investment compared to $500 I would have spent on tampons.

  8. I must be doing something right, in 26 years together she has never asked me to buy any sort of feminine products. I would not do it if she did. I suppose setting the rules early in a relationship makes life together easy.

  9. The idea of asking someone else to go out in the middle of the night to purchase something like this is just bizarre to me. When I used disposable pads, I ALWAYS had at least one around. Now I use the Diva Cup, but in the past I used reusable pads as well.

  10. Arlequin: Manhole Covers, LMAO

    Throwing in another vote for the Diva cup, though they’re a pain in the ass to figure out at first. I lost mine, need to buy another one…

  11. I guess you never considered that it is dangerous for a women to go out alone at 3 am? Good grief, if this is a one time thing..what the heck? Don’t you have this women servicing you every single night so you can simply sleep peacefully?

    LMAO @ dangerous. You would send your husband out into “danger” because you can’t be bothered to attend to your personal hygenie?

  12. Are there seriously women that ask men to do this? o_O

  13. Trimegistus says:

    Since I do a lot of the grocery shopping, I’ve got no problem with tossing a box of Ladyparts Products into the cart along with the dog food, the oven cleaner, and the plastic spoons. (Although if there’s a specific brand/type/flavor you want, you’d better put it in writing. I don’t have the time or inclination to parse the distinction between slim, ultra-slim, ultra-thins, or maxi-slims.)

    BUT I literally can’t imagine a situation where the wife or daughter wants me to get in the car and go get some right away. I’ll do that for antibiotics when the kid has an ear infection, or a cortisone inhaler if someone is having a life-threatening asthma attack, but if someone desperately needs vaginal blood-sponges at 9 p.m. on a school night they can goddamn well get in the car and drive to the drugstore themselves.

  14. Leah Jenkins says:

    Ah, well I’ve been in that self same spot – just once! After that I stocked up for months on end. The damn things were in drawers, cupboards, shelves. There was enough to soak up a massacre!

  15. A.B. Dada says:

    Diva Cup is where it’s at.

    Going forward, I don’t think I’ll date a woman who won’t switch to them when I request it. “Request”.

  16. Heh.

    When Mrs. Ironwood stayed over at my place the first time, I had this cool college-kid queen sized waterbed, complete with massive wooden headboard with cabinets, suitable for stashing all but the largest of sex toys. Being female and of tender age, she snooped in my “bedside stash”, ostensibly looking for something completely rational and not snoopy at all. When she opened the headboard cabinet, not only did she find condoms aplenty (proving I was well-prepared), and lube, but also clear nail polish, a couple of tampons, and some pads, and various and sundry other items one might not think a college-aged male would own. That took her aback, and she asked, quite innocently, why I might have these things?

    “Because I was a Boy Scout. I like to be prepared. There’s no telling who might be over here and need girl supplies. Or to fix a rend in their hose. Or krazy glue ™ a nail. It’s just common hospitality,” which was a perfectly reasonable and rational explanation.

    Of course, to her Hamster, it screamed “preselection! Alpha Dude! Considerate AND gets a lot of play! Confusion! Excitement! Boy Scout? Wow! Just how many? He didn’t say ‘girlfriend’! Excitement! Confusion! NAIL HIM!” which worked considerably in my favor. Tampons FTW.

    But that doesn’t mean I disagree with Athol on this at all. Your wife (and daughters, eventually) should be adult enough to ensure she has a goodly supply of girl supplies without depending on you for shit-testing emasculating runs to the grocery store. Since I do the grocery shopping, if it’s on the list I get it, but if it’s not I’m not going to and it’s not my problem. She knows where the list is. But I’m not completely insensitive, either. I know what brands she buys and prefers. And I still keep to the old-fashioned value of Southern Hospitality, which means anticipating the needs of your guests. So next to the emergency diaper-and-wipes in the linen closet are pads and tampons . . . but the really cheap generic ones. The kind that will do in a pinch, but aren’t nearly as comfortable or convenient as what she likes. If she “accidentally” forgets to buy tampons or pads, she knows that there are back-ups . . . so there’s never any reason to even bring the subject up with me.

    In full disclosure, this hasn’t been an issue with me and the Missus for almost a decade, now. She has PCOS, and after she got a tubal ligation after our last pregnancy, she went ahead and had a uterine ablation via laser, the result of which is she has virtually no need for girl supplies herself. It’s simplified both of our lives enormously, although it does make it trickier to track her (irregular anyway – see: PCOS) cycle.

    Without going into too much detail about the gynecological procedure, Gentlemen, let’s just say we “nuked the site from orbit”.

    It was the only way to be sure.

  17. Charlotte Allen says:

    How can you run out of menstrual stuff? You know when your period’s coming! I’m an old lady now, but never in my life have I ever asked my husband–or any other living soul–to buy that stuff for me. I would have died first. Memo to ladies who can’t count: Kleenex works in a pinch.

  18. I think I can handle my own pads, but this squawking technique might come in extremely useful the next time one of the kids wets the bed or throws up in the middle of the night.

  19. My now husband has bought me products twice now. First time I flew out to see him after starting hormonal bc and was surprised by not “spotting” or something reasonable but I literally stood in the shower till he got back it was that bad. Second time was after our last child arrived almost three months early and I did not have enough product on hand to get through to driving myself to the store. Neither was a test and both were more embarrassing for me then him.

  20. I was thinking the same thing: tampons in your basket (or better yet, your medicine cabinet if single) == preselection.

  21. LOL, this post and the associated comments are hilarious.

    I’m with other commentors, happy to purchase anything that the household needs when I’m at the store, but not so much for the “rawrk, must have now” emergency run. Unless wife / child is ill, etc…

    I particularly like the “keep some extra stock on hand of lower quality” approach. It says, “I’ve got your back, but it’s a safety net, don’t expect top shelf”.

    Also, amen to the Essure + ablation combo. We’re just about to confirm that everything is a-ok post-proceedure, but looking forward to our remaining years free of hormonal / barrier BC methods. Though I agree with Ian on the now difficult job of tracking the monthly cycle. Especially since I seem to be the only one concerned about it now. For obvious reasons… ;-)

  22. Three things to keep this from being an issue:

    1) Birth control pills: most can be taken without the placebo week. The “period” you get is a fake one anyway and science says that you do not have to bleed once a month while on hormonal birth control pills.

    2) Mirena IUD: the localized hormone does not have the side effects of the Pill but they can keep you having light or non existant monthly periods. When I had one in, I went down to every other month or even every couple of months. This was awesome for my sex life with my husband.

    3) Silicone menstrual cups. They cost like $30 but last for over 10 years, sterilize easily, have zero risks of TSS and make yeast infections rare to non existant, are comfortable even on heavy days, and can be worn successfully even when swimming or doing exercise without leaks. I have owned two- one from before I had a baby and one slightly larger one I got after I had my first baby. I went from spending hundreds on pads a year to wearing the odd panyliner here and there.

    And sure, sometimes this is a shit test. But you could also condider buying a “secret stash” of pads, placing it somewhere she is unlikely to find them and when faced with the question, “rescue” her by “finding” them, no midnight trip to the store required! How she responds will be a good barometer as to the actual intentions of the request.

  23. Mistysdad says:

    Agree and amplify.

    Don’t just buy enough to get through the next week.

    Buy them all.

    Then order 1/2 a UPS truck load from Amazon and back the guy down the driveway with cone enclosed flashlights, while she is home.

    Sit at the dining room table and do the math with her. “Lets see you need X per day, multiplied by 7 days, multiplied by the next 25 years………”

    You: “Hey Hon, just trying to plan ahead here”

    Her: Uhm, yea…. I got it under control….thanks…”

  24. There is also the old fashioned pad option- take a cloth washcloth or diaper, fold and/or tear into a pad like shape, and wear until you can get to the store. My mom and grandma used cloth pads because there were no other options when they were young. Whippersnappers today are laaaazy. XD

  25. Jeeze. I can’t believe women actually ask their man to go do stuff like that. Not only do I provide for my own hygienic needs, I do at least a moderate amount of concealing them to maintain the illusion that I don’t bleed, or poop, or fart, or any of those unladylike things. I know some guys probably don’t care, but I’d rather it just not become public spectacle.

    Bonus though, after I quit eating grains and greatly reduced carbs I basically don’t fart at all, so there’s one down.

  26. My husband tends to be protective of me. When I was going to go out at 2am to buy pads he offered to go or me because it isn’t as safe for a woman to be out alone at that hour. I prefer to buy these kinds of things myself.

  27. I can only ever recall once asking a boyfriend to buy me sanitary towels, when I was ill and couldn’t go out myself. He didn’t mind. I can’t recall ever asking my husband to buy me any, but I don’t suppose he would have minded if I had. But at 3 am I wouldn’t ask anyone to go out unless I was having a heart attack or something. Do women really ask men to go out to get them stuff at 3 am? And are there really men who go? That’s bizarre. But I don’t think there are any shops here that open at that hour anyway.

  28. I have a few re-usable cloth pads for emergencies. I’ve never asked him to leave the house in the middle of the night or anything like that. If I didn’t have the cloth pads, I could cut up an old t-shirt for an emergency until morning.

    However, he has been in the store with me when the only thing I needed to buy was menstrual products. I asked him if he’d take it through the cash register for me. I felt shy about going through with just that one thing. (In the middle of a pile of groceries, it wouldn’t have bugged me.) He was amused and couldn’t figure out what would be emabarassing about it, but he did it because it cost him nothing (*He* had nothing to be embarassed about!) and it made me feel better. He’s sweet and lovely like that. If he wasn’t there at the time, obviously I would simply have done it myself.

    The reason if felt awkward about going through with just a pack of pads is because everybody looking at me could tell that I must be menstruating because otherwise I would not be buying just that one item. I’m sure a part of his nonchalance on the issue is that nobody will make that assumption about him. :P I am proud of my body and my fertile femine cycle, but it’s a bit odd when strangers can guess about the state of your private bodily funtions.

  29. White Raven says:

    This article reminds me of the this series of three articles about getting kids to behave by saying what you mean and then following through without fail. Otherwise you teach your kids that they can keep doing whatever it is that’s bothering you “one more time”:

    http://www.violentacres.com/archives/337/how-to-train-your-children-to-behave-on-cue/

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