Sexy Move: Buying Flowers

Any dufus can give a woman flowers. You buy a bunch, attach some lame card and hand them over. She makes the right little noises, and immediately plops them in a vase and waters them. A week later, the flowers are dead, and whatever points you earned by giving them, are wiped off the slate as well.

One work around for this is to buy high quality silk flowers that will last forever, but for some reason silk flowers seem not quite right for romantic giftage. House warming present yes, I-love-you no. So perhaps a sneaky workaround is to give actual flowers, with one silk flower mixed in there.

Or you can give her a potted plant/flowers of some description. This will nearly always fail in that giving someone a plant means you’re actually handing them something they will eventually kill unless they have a green thumb already. If they have a green thumb, they have more than enough plants anyway and don’t need you to hand them something they recognize as being half dead as a gift.

Anyway….

I’ve got a sneaky good solution that has all the good points of being a real flower, long lasting and easily maintained by someone with zero skill with plants.

Jennifer had her birthday a month ago and I got her a Just Add Ice Orchid. So an actual orchid, comes-in-a-pot plant and to feed it, you add three pieces of ice once a week. That’s it.

I gave it to her and she had this slight “dammit now I’m gonna kill a plant” face happening, but it was fun watching her expression change from “ugh”…  to confusion… three pieces of ice?… to excitement… holy crap I can do this!   to awe… oh it’s so pretty…  to being impressed…  where did you even find that?

Ding ding ding, we have a winner!

Anyway, costs about the same as a moderate sized bouquet of flowers, has lasted for over a month so far as opposed to being hurled in the trash three weeks ago. Still looks like a plant that is alive to my untrained eyes. Jennifer is interested enough to be going online and wanting to learn more about the orchids and caring for them.

Anyway, still as heck worked for me. Gotta find a new wrinkle on the standard giftage if you go that route.

Jennifer:  Yep, that’s me, zero skills with plants.  No, really.  But I love my orchid…somewhat exotic, ooooh pretty flowers, freaking easy to take care of, and reminds me of him every time I look at it.  We have a winner!

Comments

  1. Possible ramifications of associating yourself with a flower that looks like a vulva?

  2. That is not a problem. “I saw this and thought of you”

  3. The other way ’round, I mean.

  4. What kinda kick back you gettin on this one?

    None. I liked the flower. That’s it.

  5. She’s a woman. She’ll think of herself – HER vulva, and if she doesn’t think of her man immediately thereafter, flowers won’t help anyway.

  6. Hmm, as someone who regularly kills plants, this intrigues me.

  7. RPW, orchid grower swear they’re easy, but I’ll hold off until I figure out how to prune my roses…

  8. It sounds quite fun, though I’m not generally fond of orchids. But I wouldn’t mind getting one if those, and the children would be interested in it.

  9. Not sexy but is a nice Christmas gift for my mother in love she has plants but she likes exotic and conversation starters. So thank you! :d

  10. Am I the only woman left that actually likes getting flowers?

  11. Over here you can get little dripper things that drip out feed for the orchid(google ‘orchid drip’). Anyway, once the drippers run out of feed top it up with normal boring tapwater and it just keeps going.

  12. @Dido:

    Am I the only woman left that actually likes getting flowers?
    ======================

    Of course not, but it’s less of a sure fire success than most men seem to think. (Personally, I dislike any present I have to take medication (antihistamines) to enjoy.)

  13. Very nice! I grow kitchen herbs, but my husband is the one into gardening at our home, it might make a good gift for him.

  14. Athol, my second comment (of which both you deleted under moderation) was genuine, I was deferring to you in respect, however my point still stands. The flowers, seedlings or their longevity is of no consequence (neither is the item in question important (even vacuum cleaners can be sexy if the relationship and approach is right). It is purely about rewarding good behaviour and ignoring the bad. I know you have a business to uphold and the tenants therein, but I wasn’t expecting such censorship.

    Anyway mate, good luck and all the best.

    I’ve been spammed like crazy this last few days. If I deleted it, it was an oversight. My apologies.

  15. Of course I don’t expect you to publish the above, nor would I want you too.

    Cheers,

    Ian

  16. This probably doesn’t need to be said to this crowd, but what the heck, I’ll say it anyway. My personal rules for giving women flowers:

    * Never do it to apologize.
    * Never do it for Valentine’s Day, birthdays, anniversaries, or other traditional “romantic gift” occasions.
    * Never do it as part of a date or to try and get sex.
    * Don’t do it too often. No more than once a year max.
    * Short version: never do it when she would expect you to. Do it at random.
    * Always do it in such a way that other women will know that she got flowers, such as sending them to her office.

    If she’s expecting flowers, then there is no way to get it right. If you get her a modest bouquet, then you’re a cheapskate. THIS is all that [occasion] is worth to you? If you get her a big elaborate pricey bouquet, then you’re frivolous and/or trying to buy her affections. This looks expensive, what’s he trying to make up for / why couldn’t he have spent the same amount of money on something that will last more than a week?

    In my experience, flowers are valuable only for the gesture, and the gesture is mainly only valuable to the extent that it makes single or unhappily married women in the vicinity jealous of the gesture. A dead plant’s decomposing reproductive organs? Worthless. Having every other woman in the office passive-aggressively asking what he did wrong or if it’s your anniversary and her being able to say, “Nope, he sent them ‘just because.'”? That might actually be worth something.

  17. Different tack – buy flower(s) she likes @ Home Depot, re-pot in a better/larger pot. Prepare a place where she will see regularly and appreciate (e.g. outside the kitchen window in the sun). Gift. Get kisses and hug. Water, miracle-grow every6 months. The gift that just keeps giving.

  18. Nailed it, Ben. I love getting flowers but also have to take meds for my allergies when around them :(

  19. Ben, that’s really close to what I would say. My wife loves flowers so I try to get them randomly once a month or so. It really makes her feel appreciated and loved. She’s a SAHM for the most part so they are just for her. Doesn’t need to be expensive, $10 bouquet on the way home buys weeks of happiness in our house. She’s big on the “Receiving Gifts” love language. I agree on not buying them after a fight though, I’ve actually delayed my purchase by a week or so after a fight so it doesn’t look like I’m apologizing with them.

  20. Milf-in-Training says:

    I’m not a flower girl … but I had a lover once who would bring me big, exotic flowers like ginger and gladiolus. I had to go buy a vase big enough, LOL. They were dramatic and long lasting enough to make me happy. You just need 3-5 stems, so it isn’t even that expensive.

    I should have known the love was over when he switched to $2.99 bouquets from the supermarket.

  21. LovelyLauren says:

    I adore getting flowers. They’re something I love having in the house, but would never buy for myself. Additionally, we don’t really have any good places for a regular plant and I’m not great at caring for them. Whenever I get them, I like looking at them and regularly fuss over and rearrange them.

    I think flowers work great as “just because” or as a “plus one.” Anniversary date and flowers? Birthday gift and flowers? Wonderful.

  22. I got my wife an orchid last winter. After a few months of the plant looking continuously sadder I ask “When was the last time you watered this?” to which she replied “What?!!? I thought you were watering it! I thought maintenance was included!” and we both got a good laugh out of it. It’s amazing how long they can last subsisting off just the ambient moisture! That site has good tips to get it to re-bloom; I’m going to try those.

  23. Anyone can buy cut flowers; since I’m the gardener, I keep the flowers alive for years at a time. Keeping things alive in a difficult climate – DHV.

  24. Ben, most of your stuff is right on the money, but I just want to throw out there, that if I didn’t get flowers on Valentines Day, Birthday and Aniversary, I’d be heartbroken. Flowers are my absolute FAVORITE gift and I absolutely expect them on those 3 occasions. It’s like expecting a birthday cake. You can say “oh the cake has more impact if you make it randomly” but when it comes the party, there’d better be a cake. My first valentines day wiht my hubs he kept saying, “what are we doing in terms of gifts for valentines day” or whatever and I repeatedly say “lets skip presents and just go out to a nice dinner, but I’d really like flowers” I must have said “I really want flowers” about a dozen times in the month leading up to to Vday. I KNOW they’re more expensive on valentines day and I don’t need some $100 bouquet of long stem roses, but when I tell you repeatedly what I WANT, take it into account! Vday showed up and he got me a very thoughful gift and no flowers and I’m like “umm, i didn’t get you anything because we said no gifts” and honestly i would have wanted the flowers 20 times more than the gift he got me. I basically felt like “I can’t believe you didn’t listen to anything I’ve said the last month” Instead I said “thank you” and bought myself some roses when they went on sale next day.

    He often brings me flowers for no reason and I often buy myself flowers for no reason other than they make me happy and it may make them mundain, but that doesnt make me want them less on romantic occasions…

  25. I like cut flowers and my husband gets them for me occasionally. We live somewhere you don’t have to spend a ton to get a decent bouquet, and I prefer the slightly quizzical blooms anyway.

    I also like having a cut garden for roses… or peonies… or… well. I like flowers. Because they’re pretty. End of sentence. Pretty + unnecessary is nice.

    It’s not a swoon sort of thing, just a happy squeal.

    I don’t want them for an apology, that’s true. I want them because… they’re pretty and he wanted to give me something pretty.

    He knows about my brown thumb for houseplants (well, yellow – I can keep them on lifesupport for YEARS) so wouldn’t get me another orchid.

  26. I’m a bit disappointed. Was waiting for some kind of “pistils and stamens” as metaphor for the penis and vagina. Oh, well. Off to mummify my husband in a plush toy costume.

  27. Sim star says:

    Men, you are all simply adorable whether your policy is once a year, silk, ice orchids or hand picked flowers…just reading that made me happy. I can only imagine how loved your other halves must feel. Keep it up, you are kind, generous and wonderful.

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