When The Ten Second Kiss Fails

Way back in the dawn of time, I wrote a post called Sexy Moves: The Ten Second Kiss. I finished the post with…

What you will find is that somewhere around the 6-8 second mark, her shields come down, and something inside her will trigger and she will become quite passionate about the interaction. Feel free to keep the kiss going on as long as you both want. Also you will find the long deep kiss will not only trigger passionate interest in her, but also in you. It is very difficult to stay emotionally neutral about a member of the opposite sex when you kiss like this.

The beauty of The Ten Second Kiss, is that it works every time. You can do this once a day and it will connect you both again. Importantly, don’t automatically try and turn this into an attempt to close for sex. Kiss her like this, make some small talk, and move on with your day. The goal is to connect you both emotionally. Once emotionally connected to you, your woman is far more interested in sex.


Here’s the deal, it really does work… for a lot of people, but not everyone. I’ve had a ton of email to the effect of “It’s amazing and changed so much for us,” but also some of  “Well I tried it, and it worked once or twice and then nothing. I try it and she avoids doing it, or breaks it early every time.”

I think there are three reasons the Ten Second Kiss fail.

(1)  The most likely one is that it’s simply too soon in the process of getting your Sex Rank back together and her interest level simply isn’t there yet. If so, the solution is keep on running the MAP and getting yourself in shape and upping your Sex Rank. Come back to it once in a while and she if her interest level has started to kick in again. I think it’s far more likely to have a Ten Second Kiss failure in Phase One as opposed to Two or Three.

(2)  It’s a dental issue. There’s bad breath, morning breath and garlic breath… and then there’s have-you-been-eating-rotting-penguin-breath from a tooth that’s going bad. Or just build up on your teeth like barnacles on the bottom of a boat. Get thee to a dentist. Fix your teeth up all shiny and new. Nice teeth are nice teeth anyway, so get to it as part of your MAP.

(3)  You’re pretty much heading to Phase Four or worse and still nothing happening on the kissing front. If so, just take it as a very serious indication that she is checked out of the relationship and that you have quite minimal hope for a return of her interest to you. Really by Phase Three you should be seeing her interest returning, if you have to force things to a head just to get kissed… oy… why bother trying much longer.

Overall though, it’s still a very sound move to use.


  1. I find that many British men don’t take good care of their teeth, which makes them undateable after a certain age. I’d say that 70% of the second dates I decline are due to dental issues.

    Examples are brown decay on front teeth, visible plaque or calculus buildup, bad breath, gross buildup on the tongue. It’s a shame, as some of these guys were really nice. I’m not sure how women cope with such extreme dental problems in their husbands.

  2. There’s another possibility:

    Maybe she was on birth control when you met and started kissing, and maybe she’s not on it now (or vice versa), so you taste different to her now, and maybe not different in a good way. BC can screw things up in the histocompatibility arena.

    So maybe try again what she was on back then?

  3. If I might offer another potential issue with the Ten Second Kiss (which is a basic go-to Alpha move), some women are so self-conscious about the way that they kiss that they end it before you can consider complaining. I had an ex who was this way — the only way I could get to the count of three or four was to get her drunk (which was a sign). Even Mrs. Ironwood says that she gets self-conscious and nervous about it, as if I’m judging every performance.

    So take some of the pressure off with a simple reassurance. “Damn, you’re a good kisser,” or “Wow, that was intense — let’s do that again!” might help. If nothing else, your attempt at affirmation will give you a little more insight about what she’s thinking. For example, if she says “That’s what my lover says!” then you might be a little closer to Phase Four than you thought.

  4. Ian has a good point. This can happen especially if you catch her off guard. She might be so wrapped up in something else that she has a hard time switching her mind to the kiss and it might cause more anxiety, not just about the kiss but just in general. Don’t get me wrong, catching her off guard can be a very good thing as it shows that you are thinking about her even during the most mundane of things, but depending on where her mind is at, she might get flustered.

    I like Ian’s suggestion of reassurance as it will help her to understand that not only should she not be worried about her ability to kiss, she will be reassured that it is just fine to let go of whatever she was focused on at the time, for a few seconds, just to enjoy each other. I would suggest showing her more with facial expressions that with just words though as it will mean more to her. Put on that face that shows how much the kiss just affected you. If it really *ahem* affected you, rub yourself against her a bit just to show her how much. This is the best kind of reassurance there is. Though, I do also agree with Athol, if it’s too early in the MAP and she is not responding to it fully yet, I wouldn’t rub into her if it’s obvious she’s not there yet. She might take it as a push for sex and it will set you back.

  5. Cautiously Pessimistic says:

    I’ve read this and the other related posts, and have a question. Would I be missing the point by breaking up the kiss into a synchopated rhythm of smaller kisses, like a mini-makeout? Frankly, a 10 second kiss sounds a little dull.

    That could just be from not doing it right, though. ;)

  6. Dear Men,

    Always, always, always check your breath before heading into a serious kissing session. Please? We promise the few minutes you spend brushing and/or sucking a breath mint will be worth it.

    Women Everywhere

  7. When I was in the weeds with my wife, there was no way I would even attempt the 10 second kiss, but now I do it all the time. If you are trying to do this in an unstable relationship, it’s never going to work. In a stable relationship, it’s going to make her wet but you have to do it sparingly. You can forget it in the early stages of the MAP if it’s not something you are doing already. It could backfire and really piss her off…

  8. Dear Women,

    The bad breath rules apply to you as well. As my dental hygiene wife says about many of her patients: “that woman’s teeth were wearing sweaters!” And please don’t sneeze on us during the approach!

    Thanks in advance,
    Men everywhere

  9. I haven’t had much luck with the 10-second kiss yet… guess that means I’m still in Phase One or Two.

    Athol, what about the times when I go in to kiss her and she doesn’t kiss back? If she’s not feeling like it, there are times where she doesn’t even move her mouth when I kiss her.

    I really hate it. I think it’s cold and disrespectful because it has to be deliberate. She is consciously choosing to just keep her mouth closed and not kiss me back, and it pisses me off every time.

  10. FlyingDutchman says:

    My wife is all over the place with this. One day it works great, next day she’s pushing it away after 2 seconds. She often likes the short smoochy little kisses over the 10 second kiss. Just today, she came up to me for one of her smoochy 2 second kisses and I converted for the 10 second kiss, which was met with playful resistance, but still resistance and the kiss was broken at 4 or 5 seconds (before it gets passionate, before the shields drop). She knows I’m not trying to convert for sex, she just has the need for high drama and high stimulation (she is ADHD, low dopamine). Then our conversation went down like this.

    Her: Why does it always have to be such a big production?
    Me: Cocky attitude “Hmm.. I do like productions”?
    Her: Smiling “How long did it take you to think of that”?
    Me: Ignore, still cocky “Lets see you’re Bell, and I’ll be Guastan. Now you can take of my muddy boots and rub my feet.”
    Her: Smiling and laughing now, but still trying to see if she can break my Alpha frame
    (meanwhile she is suddenly leaning into me while I’m holding her by the waist and she is rocking back and forth against my hips).

    The 10 second kiss didn’t happen, but I actually broke through her shields another way. If I just go for the kiss every time it doesn’t work easily. My wife needs more drama and stimulation to get there (to focus enough to feel the emotional connection). Its not my lack of mapping or attractiveness to her, this is just they way she is wired.

  11. Teacherman says:

    If the 10 second Kiss doesn’t work well, or at all, I’d suggest trying the 10 second hug. Kissing is always good, but there’s something wonderful about a long embrace!

  12. My wife is hit or miss on this too. Sometimes you just have to stop her right there. She’s always busy busy busy when at home. Sometimes I just pull her aside and attempt this. Sometimes it works, others not so much. It certainly is frustrating when it backfires.

  13. What about the possibility that she just isn’t really into kissing?

    I love sex with my husband but kissing on the lips isn’t my favorite part.

    One caveat: for whatever reason, I REALLY LIKE kissing in any location where sex absolutely can’t occur: in public, a visible spot outdoors, etc. I’m sure there’s a good reason for this… maybe the men struggling with getting 10-second kisses to work on their wives should try doing it in a place where sex won’t be happening.

  14. Killa Hertz says:

    As Stingray says, be careful with timing. If I’m trying not to burn something (or myself) on the stove, if I just stepped in a puddle of cat vomit, if I’m ranting about something that happened at work that has me genuinely concerned, and my man tries this, I’m going to be annoyed. But if the stove is basically under control, my socks are dry, and I’m just blathering about how much my stupid coworker annoys me – distraction allowed, game on!

  15. I’ve had varied results with the 10 second kiss. If I can get it to completion then it’s perfect, but most of the time there’s reluctance and several usual excuses – “not in front of the kids”, “there’s not time”(10 seconds!!!), “I haven’t brushed my teeth” (her, not me!) and my favourite, “I feel pressured, when you kiss me, you want it to lead to sex” – I’ve dealt with the last one by going for the kiss as I am on the way out to work – no chance of sex, I’ve got a boat to catch!

    The “I’ve not got time” excuse annoys the hell out of me, we both have a hectic schedule, but 10 seconds is nothing – anyone got some suggestions?

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