Slightly taken out of context, but sage stand alone advice from this forum thread.
Serenity: This is an area where I really hate how evolutionary biology works. I wish I could be my husband’s friend when he has work troubles and support him and comfort him, etc. But I can’t. Don’t get me wrong. I fake it and I fake it really really well. I say all the right things about how I trust him and believe in him blah blah. I don’t express the doubt I feel that he’s handled it badly and is incompetent.
But I lose any tingle for him and I start feeling like his mom. I am wired how I’m wired, and no matter how much I wish it were different, I can’t change it; anymore than you can change the fact that you’re turned on by a young, pretty woman. Don’t bother resenting your wife for it because it’s beyond her control.
I think the only exception is for a man who is so natural alpha that nothing can change his frame. My dad is a natural alpha, the John Wayne type. Cut off his finger and drove himself to the ER. Got a vasectomy in the morning and was water-skiing that afternoon. He was a blue collar union worker all his working life, and that infrequently involved going on strike for months at a time. I asked my mom once if she ever worried about losing a paycheck during those times, and she said she never had; that she always just trusted that my dad would provide. And she’s a strong, smart woman. He has always just had such a capable alpha frame that she depends on him 100%.
This level of trust seems incredible to me because I worry about things like that all. the. time.
I think as you become more and more Captain and your career progresses (which it will), you will find her reacting very differently. I can already tell a difference in my feelings toward my husband as he has started becoming just slightly more dominant. I guess the hopeful thing to me is that these feelings are all caused by hormones and neuro-transmitters and those are affected by behavior, so totally within your control to change.
Change your behavior, and you will change her feelings for you.
AlphaBelle: This First Officer lives by analogies, so here ya go:
A Captain telling his wife about all of his worries and all the people who are mean to him at work and how he just does not understand how they can expect him to accomplish all of this in a day…
…wait for it…
…his wife, who farts loudly and says she’s constipated and when she sneezes it makes her pee and she wants to buy this new bra but her boobs are actually two different sizes and nothing fits her right and her hemorrhoids are acting up and she has cramps and wow…where’d ya go, honey?
ALL of those horrid physical things may be true, but good golly. Deal with them, woman, and save the gory details for your uro-procto-gyneco-logist. The man who wants to see you as the sexiest woman on earth does not need to hear and help you analyze the condition of your sphincter. all he needs to know is that it’s a problem and he needs to drive you to surgery on Tuesday.
Athol: Reading over that, my knee-jerk reaction is, “Well that sucks to be the guy then doesn’t it. What the hell do you want a wife for if you can’t even have a discussion about your day?” I think that’s true to a degree, but I also think there’s a spooky ring of truth to it all as well. When it a guy starts whining about his day and sounding like he’s being dominated somewhere else… it all sums out to being a Display of Low Value.
In the end there’s really only one Alpha move that matters. Winning.
Jennifer: I was reading this thread on the forum earlier today. I think there’s a difference for me between a discussion about your day and whining incessantly about how people at work are stepping all over you, etc. And can I just say Sean Connery…rawr….