The Talk. The Awkward, Awkward Talk.

From the forum…

WastedYouth: No way around it. it’s got to happen today. And it’s a 5 year old girl. Everything we did with or boys doesn’t seem to have any application here. They were 8 or 9. She’s only 5 and she is much more curious and tenacious with having details explained. HELP ME PLEASE! Anyone have the talk with such a little one? She crawled in bed with us this morning to snuggle and said, “How do you do sex?”. Which seems to be a much more complicated question than “What is sex?” Husband jumped up and PANCAKES! And she said, “Daddy I really want to know.”. So we ‘re eating pancakes and told her we’d talk after football. I’ve got about 5 hours to figure this out.

Athol:  Well the trick to really good pancakes, is you just have to accept that the first batch you make isn’t going to be very good. You just make enough batter so you can toss that first batch and then keep cranking them out.


Look I know it’s weird, but if they ask, they asked… so just tell them the truth. You don’t need to go into gory detail, just stick to the basics and don’t act like you want the ground to open you up and swallow you.

The boy bits go into the girl bits. There’s a decent chance that a baby will  happen. Baby grows in the mommy. Nine months later baby comes out. It’s an adult thing. Yes it seems weird now but it’s also enjoyable when you’re older. It’s fun, it’s good, it’s wonderful with the right person.

Anyway… maybe it’s just New Zealand that just rolls with it… we had a cartoon strip in syndication called “Footrot Flats” where on of the lesser characters was a sheep called Cecil. A male sheep. A male sheep with big dangling balls and yet sexual reluctance…

…I guess somehow we all figured it out quickly and easily in a farming nation. And YES I’m completely serious, that cartoon strip was in newspapers nationally.

Oh and make sure they are asking the actual “Where do babies come from?” question.  When they ask “Where did I come from?” sometimes the answer they are looking for is more mundane… like “Nebraska”.



  1. MUST have The Talk, and be honest. If she’s asking at that age, she’s already hearing something from Someone!

  2. I agree completely with Athol: “Look I know it’s weird, but if they ask, they asked… so just tell them the truth. You don’t need to go into gory detail, just stick to the basics and don’t act like you want the ground to open you up and swallow you.”

    An essential point is to show through your behavior that what you are talking about is natural, normal and not something that she should fixate on as a big deal. This will give her a stable foundation upon which to build beneficial attitudes about sex as she grows up.

    As an analogous illustration, consider the ways in which children can develop their basic attitude toward alcohol.

    The most stable people with respect to alcohol, whom I have seen, are the ones whose parents allowed them to have a small glass of wine with dinner on Sundays, when they were children. This allowed them to experience wine as grape juice that burns your throat, in a nurturing and somewhat boring environment.

    Now contrast that with the children who discovered wine under the bleachers at the school athletic field. They learned to associate alcohol with what they were experiencing, even though most of it was not actually coming from the bottle: excitement, adrenaline, fear, camaraderie, relief, and so on.

  3. I agree with Reader. My dad had a glass of wine with dinner, and he would let us have some. When we got older, like teenagers, he poured us some Wild Turkey, his bourbon of choice. None of us are alcoholics.

    Yes, when you are sixteen, Wild Turkey is basically flaming jet fuel.

  4. Cecil is one of Murray Balls’ best characters. For the non Kiwis, the best place to go is

    I will confirm that this was daily in the papers when I was growing up. And yes, basic biology is what kids need at that age, followed by Miss 5 thinking it is horrid and yucky and that she would never go near a boy if they do that. …

  5. It’s absolutely essential that parents educate their children about human mating and reproduction, form biological and social viewpoints. This is especially true for red pill parents, the sooner your child knows about everything from what body parts get inserted where and to what are good criteria for choosing a right partner and why its good to be choosy and conservative rather than open and liberal the more protected he is from making mistakes in these areas out of curiosity, peer and media pressure or lack of information.

  6. ….sheep do have big dangling things…do you mean Cecil would be R-rated in the US?

  7. Kyle In Japan says:

    The dangling balls thing is all over the place here. You often see statues of Tanuki, which are a Japanese raccoon-like critter, with an exaggerated scrotum, as well as other animals’ naughty bits in cartoons, etc. I was playing Dragon Quest II for the SNES, which came out almost twenty years ago, and even it took a single pixel to depict a dog’s anus (another frequent offender here.)

    As for The Talk, I don’t see why it’s such a big deal. Approach it in a lighthearted and somewhat humorous way, and kids won’t be so inclined to think it’s this awesome, forbidden thing being held back from them.

  8. practicallyperfect says:

    I always find it wise when dealing with a child that age and these kind of topics to intially ask your own question of “Why do you ask?” It is good to get an idea of where children are coming from and to gage their responses. My brother’s two much older children put their little brother up to asking some embarassing questions at the dinner table one night trying to replicate what they had seen in the film The Candidate.
    Ahhh the joys of parenting!

  9. practicallyperfect says:

    Correction the movie was The Campaign.

  10. Outsources the sex talk!

    I have no problem telling kids the truth but they may not be ready for the truth. My kid turned pale when i started telling him the truth….so i outsourced!

    There are so many excellent age appropriate books, its so much easier to have these books available in your home for your children. So instead of awkwardly talking about sex you can talk about the contents of the book which has more detail and often pictures. If the book discusses all the topics you’d like to discuss with them then this saves you trying to explain it. If the kid is not ready they put the book down.

    The other good part of having books is if they are too shy to ask, you’ve provided an information resource that they can use anytime.

  11. Cecil’s ball look to me to be about half again as big as they should be. Which is to say, they are exaggerated in size, but not by that much. Sexually reluctant or no, all unfixed rams have big, dangling balls.

  12. Regarding Cecil . . . . even trucks have nuts.

  13. Milf-in-Training says:

    The Talk should actually be a series of talks, getting more and more detailed as the kids get older.

    At 4 until 7 or 8, they’re looking for biology. The man makes sperm, the woman makes eggs, when they meet, a baby is started … a great video (free online) is Miracle of Life from PBS.

    If they ask to see how it really works, say No, and make sure the bedroom door is locked.

    At about 8, or a bit older for boys, kids get interested in relationships. Actual sex is yucky, but they want to know why people bother with it. Girls want to know about “true love” and marriage. This is when they need to learn the media is wrong.

    At about 12, I began the talks about friends with benefits and “yes, that really does count as sex.” We also talked about how boys show affection for girls, and how my daughter could politely turn a boy down. This was when I let her know about orgasms and that sex is enjoyable.

    So, you don’t need to say everything at age 4. Say a little, then wait for questions, and answer those. There will be time for more talk later.

  14. And then there was Jess being put in the bitch’s box … about time Athol did a Footrot Flat’s post – Wal and Cheeky Hobson, Cooch’s cousin, etc plenty of material for drawing lessons from

  15. Footrot Flats is the shiznit! Had friends who sent us a book of them every year and we fought over who got it first! (Thanks for the link!)

Speak Your Mind