Three Things That Attract Your Partner

Sometimes you start losing the forest for the trees and make your MAP too complicated.


What are the top three things that attract your partner to you? Bearing in mind that I said attract, not make them feel comfortable or loved or happy. What are the top three things that make their head turn in your direction and quicken their pulse a little?

Then do those three things consistently.

If you don’t know what those top three things are, you have to find out, or nothing you do will be on point with running the MAP.

Write your three things in the comments.


  1. test post #2 (requires real email?)

    First comment is always held for moderation as generic anti-spam move is all.

  2. If I thought that anything ever quickened her pulse (except that one guy in high school), I’d be able to extrapolate from there. She’s the super-submissive, imminently willing, but needs-the-rotating-stained-glass-lampshade-to-simulate-motion type … and not for lack of my leading (slowly) to new things. So next steps are hazy. I’ve got the perfect gig, just with a warm corpse.

  3. Version3.0 says:

    Clothing/style, fitness, being clever and funny

  4. Question made me think of these lyrics

    He’s got more balls than a big brass monkey
    He’s a wacked out werido and a lovebug junkie
    Sly as a fox and crazy as a loon
    Payday comes and he’s howlin’ at the moon
    He’s my baby I don’t mean maybe
    Never gonna let him go

    John Prine ” In Spite of Ourselves”

  5. Powerful Public speaking

  6. She always talks about the hollow spots by my hip bones, back when we met. ( 20 lbs to go. )

    She likes it when I’m sweaty and dirty when I make things happen in the garden and around the house.

    She likes it when I isolate and make it known that I want to spend time with her, to the exclusion of everyone and everything else.

  7. Demonstrating social status, such as taking her out to a bar where everyone knows me and wants my attention for one reason or another.

    Doing something aggressive/dangerous, like slashing open a giant bag of cat food with a very large knife.

    Performing a physical task with mastery.

    Bonus: Something that denotes physical fitness, like picking her up and throwing her onto the bed.

  8. Wearing body conscious clothing (showing off T&A but not too much- no matter what I wear I try to make sure it’s as flattering as possible with hair/makeup/whatnot presentable), being engaging (flirting, having some back and forth going, good conversation, etc.) and enthusiasm for sexual activity (interest in making out, responding to advances, and so forth)

  9. -10 second kiss (© Athol Kay) + soft but firm coratid choke, while holding her against a wall
    -Telling her what clothes to (and not to) wear/buy
    -Ordering for her at restaurants
    -Growing a beard
    -Making her laugh

    Above all else, chicks dig social dominance and masculine gender polarity.

  10. MrBurgundy says:

    Damned if I know!

    Seriously, going to have to think about this one. Cos the first things that came into my head when you posed the question were the cosy, lovey ones… the beta support stuff.

  11. “make their head turn in your direction and quicken their pulse a little?”

    NOTHING makes her react that way as a result of attraction. Anger fear disgust yes but not attraction.

    Then you need to find out what does.

  12. Trimegistus says:

    I notice a pattern here. If we knew what pushed her buttons we wouldn’t be reading your blog, Athol. It seems there are a lot of women who don’t show much attraction — they may be compliant in bed, but the men have to “do all the work.” I know that’s a source of frustration to me.

  13. Ok, so I asked my wife the question (via text) and got the following back:
    (1) It’s your eyes, they make me melt
    (2) Your mouth: a) the way you kiss me, b) the one liners that you say that make me laugh
    (3) Your upper body, arms and hands – so big and strong – keeps me safe and warm

    Not entirely sure how I can keep using these to my advantage, apart from continually working out. For the record I am not that big and strong (5ft 8, 73kg) but am bigger and stronger than the wife.

  14. BetaTester says:

    I agree with Trimegistus. I have even tried to have frank discussions with my wife and ask “What makes you horny?” I am hoping we could do some type of hidden desire. The answer I get is “I don’t know, just you wanting me”. I am not sure if this is a situation where she isn’t going to tell me if I have to ask.
    What made me attractive when we met? I was young with a very good job and showed stable responsibility. Getting sex was easy then. Those traits are still there but are old news. She has admitted she has changed and has said I could be Mr. Studly male supermodel and could not get horny.
    Four months into the MAP, 12 pounds down, and still frustrated. I will have to suppress my introversion and see if I can engage in small talk with some of the soccer Moms in the spring.

  15. Being a leader
    Strong shoulders/back
    Pursuing her

    I did not figure out two of those three until running the MAP.

  16. Keep them coming.

  17. 1. Looks (I am very well built, was skinny but bulked up a bit, pretty face which backfires sometimes)
    2. Game (teases, not spilling everything out, not advanced in any way)
    3. Watching porn together (she has to be browbeat into it, but then goes crazy with lust)

  18. Guys–if your wife reads romance novels or watches chick flicks, look at the hero types she gravitates toward. Strong silent type? Cocky funny jock? Ruthless aggressive cop? I know my husband would have said, “I have no idea” to this question 6 months ago, but I was trying to tell him. It has literally taken a brick bat in the form of the Primer to make him realize I needed him to be more Alpha in daily decisions and in the bedroom (and to start to get those upper body muscles back on) for me to be hot for him again.

    My husband-specific girl game? Runners legs, flirty skirts and dresses, and finding my funny sweet side again.

  19. Making decisions quickly, pragmatically, and finally
    Dominating conversations with mental gymnastics and crazy stories
    Behaving and dressing like a sex-crazed teen-aged headbanger

  20. I’m attracted by his physically fit body, his intelligence, and his aggression in bed.
    He’s attracted by my breasts.

  21. If I knew that, I wouldn’t be here :)

  22. Hollow spots above the hips
    Dressing well
    Being on time (this one is extremely difficult for me)

    I should probably ask her, because her list is probably completely different. :)

  23. If you can make them laugh you’re in.

    A bit of an aside: “If they smoke they poke.”

  24. Wearing thin blouses with buttons.
    Knowing I’m not wearing underwear.
    Watching me get a little bit drunk – he knows where it leads.

  25. 1. Being muscular and fit and wearing clothes that allow her to observe that fact.
    2. Being cocky, funny, and a little bit of a jerk.
    3. Ignoring her by reading a book or whatever and allowing her to “earn” my attention.

  26. abs
    other women talking to me

    all three of which are almost non-existent. Guess I have some work to do

  27. What does it mean when your Husband yells at you “Stop messing with me!” when you ask him what three things he finds attractive about you?

  28. No clue. I’ve spent the year trying to find out. I still don’t know.

  29. Protecting her aggressively. This one is so powerful it could count as the entirety of the top 10, but not too many chances to use it.
    Making a decision (decisively!) and sticking to it even through all the “What about…” things she can throw out.
    Showing sexual mastery. eg: Orgasm control (my own and hers), making her horny and then not gratifying her. Throwing her around and calling the shots in bed. Treating her body as my own, no questions asked.

  30. FlyingDutchman says:

    Easily #1: When she sees other women flirting with me
    #2 : Playful dominance, teasing, cocky attitude
    #3: Passing shit tests
    #4: Calling her out on her crap
    #5: Muscles

  31. FlyingDutchman says:

    Note for the other guys here who say they don’t know: You better figure it out. My wife won’t come out and tell me this stuff. If I asked my wife the question, and I have, she will say “I have no idea” every time. But the list above is very accurate for her.

  32. This is a tough one. I got #1 right away because it is pretty obvious. Not so sure about the other two:
    1. Singing/playing the guitar – actually anything to do with writing/performing music
    2. Cocky/funny – Often I’m being serious about something, but I guess I say it in funny ways.
    3. Intelligence – she often comments that I know a lot about a lot. *shrug*

    I’ve been running my map for over a year. (although I’m not trying to fix a broken marriage. I found Athol after my first divorce, and am now working on making sure this marriage survives!) So far I’ve lost about 120lbs total, although about half of that was prior to meeting my current wife. (which means I’ve lost about 60 during my MAP) I believe there is some real attraction generated by my physical attributes, but I don’t have much faith in those at the moment, so I wouldn’t put it in the top 3. At least not yet…

  33. I went right to the source, my wife, a while back and posted on the forum:

    I asked my wife about this, “What made you melt in the early days?” She said, as I recall: “Physical attraction was first, but you were strong and confident too, I knew that I was safe and that you would protect me, even though I didn’t anticipate you would need to, but I felt so secure, you were everybody’s big brother, protective. You were independent, you didn’t care what other people thought, you’ve always been your own person.You were playful and funny, bigger than life. You were intelligent, not a redneck, not crude.”

    To boil it down to 3 things:

    Be physically attractive
    Be strong
    Show character

  34. RedPillNewb says:

    Public speaking
    Perception that I’m the smartest guy in the room

    I know I’m pretty much the only person who can get her laughing uncontrollably, but I don’t know if that counts towards attraction or comfort.

  35. Peregrine John says:

    One more here, in Trimegistus’ column. FlyingDutchman’s list is good, but entirely a guess. If only there was, I dunno, a gender able to communicate well, instead of resisting communication, it’d be helpful. Alas.

  36. @Athena – is there a little sarcasm (or anything negative) in your comment “I’m attracted by his physically fit body, his intelligence, and his aggression in bed. He’s attracted by my breasts.” or was it just a straight forward, it’s facts, comment?

  37. but I don’t know if that counts towards attraction or comfort.

    An educated guess? It’s both. My husband can make me laugh so hard I cry and he does this often. For me, it’s both.

    A suggestion (sort of) for those of you who have wives that just don’t know. Her not knowing is a bit of a protection mechanism on her part. An anti-slut defense. Here is the (difficult) trick. You have to convince her that you are completely comfortable with her slut side. That you, in fact, encourage it. It will likely take time to break down those walls but as they come down she may be better able to articulate what about you arouses her.

  38. FlyingDutchman “Note for the other guys here who say they don’t know: You better figure it out. My wife won’t come out and tell me this stuff. If I asked my wife the question, and I have, she will say “I have no idea” every time. But the list above is very accurate for her.”

    So how do you know? And if she reacted negatively or not at all to everything what would you put on your list? Or just do what you always do and say this is what work’s but she hides it really well.

    FJ34 “Guys–if your wife reads romance novels or watches chick flicks, look at the hero types she gravitates toward” .

    She dont. And reckons women what do are retarded

  39. Confidence, preselection (eg demonstrated social dominance), and lean muscle

    I doubt this is what she would say since she normally says the opposite, but this is what she reacts to. I trust her actions over her words.

  40. @Red That’s what he said when I asked him. LOL
    If pressed, he’d probably say something about my mad BJ skillz, and my cooking.

  41. (1) Laughing at his jokes.

    (2) When he finds me watching porn – especially if it’s stuff I’ve found by looking through his internet search history.

    (3) Me clearly taking it on board. So, costumes, phrases, positions etc. I think he likes the thought of teaching me to be an ever dirtier slut.

  42. For me:

    (1) That thing he sometimes does, where he manages to touch me and pin me down/control my movement at the same times. Like when he comes up from behind, pinning me to the counter and kissing my neck. Or just pulling me onto his knee and keeping me there. Stuff like that.

    (2) When he looks like a Roman gladiator – serious muscle, but a layer of fat covering it.

    (3) That look he gets when I do something that turns his head, like a light has gone on and he *will* get into my knickers.

  43. @Beta Tester- “IDK you wanting me” is code for throwing her down and taking her. She wants to see how much you’re dying to have her and won’t take no for an answer. Obviously don’t be too rough and heed Athol’s previous posts on how to go about it (“ouch is a safe word”) but sounds like she wants you to be more dominant and is in the common scenario where she can’t tell you that straight out without losing her preferred submissive role.

  44. (1) My height
    (2) My health and youth
    (3) My ability to bring home the bacon out here in the oilpatch.

  45. Physical fitness….sexual fitness. Being able to just pound and pound without getting winded.
    Bringing her to my jobsite so she can see the work I’ve done (I’m a house flipper).
    Showing social dominance and confidence.

  46. 1. My intelligence. Not quite “Dr Sheldon Cooper smart”, but I probably should have been some kind of engineer.
    2. My sense of humour.
    3. My physical stature. I’m fairly tall at 6’1″, but also pretty lean. When we met I was pretty ripped, so I’m working my way back to that.

  47. If I could narrow down three surefire qualities that would get her hot and bothered without fail, then I don’t think I would have had the need to seek out MMSL… But ok, so I asked her straight up (b/c I really have no idea what or if there’s anything I do that gets her hot) and we went in circles a bit because she was dead set on that there can’t be any attraction for her if it doesn’t make her feel luvy / fuzzy / warm, etc…

    I call BS. I told her to think about an attractive stranger and what about that person would get her attention, if only in passing. What I got back was a strong male physique and security (which I think translates to overall confidence and / or Alpha). Not much, but something to go on I guess.

  48. I actually have no idea. I have an idea of what makes her comfortable.

    Is it ok to ask what these three things are?

  49. I asked my boyfriend this question. He said:
    I then asked for the third one and he said: “two tits, ma’am”.

  50. There being somewhere else that I have to be soon – having a life that does not necessarily involve her.
    Being a drooling idiot in her presence.

    ok, now, now I have to figure out how to reinstate the first part of that…

  51. 1. being me. lol.
    2. military
    3. humor/cooking ability/general understanding of game/hosting a blog that teaches guys hoe to chat up women…..

    i could go on. lol.

  52. @Otter @Chris the hip thing: mine too – is that every girl’s favourite part of a boy?
    @chimpy – did she ever express any particular interest in this or any other of your anatomy?

  53. Re: “hip thing” – are you talking about an Adonis belt? (aka Appolo’s belt – seach google images) I do believe that has been voted somewhere as the sexiest part of a man’s body. My husbands has become more prominent in recent months and I can’t keep my hands off it. It helps that he never wears a shirt at home which gives me lots of access and viewing pleasure….

    To attract my husband:
    1. Wearing a tight short dress. Wearing sexy sleepwear (lingerie).
    …I don’t know any others.

  54. Oh yeah, the Adonis Belt. The V. That’s my second favorite part of his body.

    I pressed him for his top three while we were grilling tonight. He said,
    1. My breasts, as he said from the first
    2. My hair (long, dark, and curly)
    3. My mad BJ skillz

    LOL I got two out of three.

  55. Pegala,she regards my body with contempt even tho I’m leaner and stronger than I’ve ever been

  56. So the secret to attracting a woman is to figure out what attracts a woman and then do that? Great. I’ll get right on that.

    Recursive statement is recursive.

  57. @chimpy – we know how she feels now, my question was ‘did she ever?’

  58. Off The Grid says:

    My wife said a nice firm athletic butt, strong broad shoulders with defined arms, nice abs , and the willingness not to talk too much and ruin it…


  1. […] Yesterdays post asked for your top 3 attractors that work on women. What follows is a quick and dirty meta-analysis of the 50+ comments. Seemed about a 85/15% split men and women answering. […]

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