Why Wives Avoid Raincheck Sex With Their Husbands

A basic male complaint is that a wife routinely refusing sex with her husband, will come up with all sorts of nonsense to make sex not happen. This angers the husbands to no end.

The logic is pretty simple…

(1)  We are married. (2) The purpose of being married together is to have a sexual relationship. (3) When you refuse me sex, you’re avoiding holding up your end of the bargain while I still have to earn money, fix the house and mow the lawn. Therefore, (4) you are a total bitch.

Makes perfect sense doesn’t it, but it still can’t be a correct understanding of the situation, because if the wife routinely seeks to avoid sex with her husband… it doesn’t explain why she does that.

Even worse is some nights she says she almost wants sex, but not quite, and then she offers him a raincheck of sex the next day. Then when the next day rolls around, she completely avoids sex yet again. This really pisses the husband off and makes her seem even more of a bitch.

So let’s come at it from a different angle….

Imagine you’re a husband and you watch your wife get all dressed up in some fairly revealing clothing and her best makeup job, to go for a Girl’s Night Out at a local bar. A bar noted for being a total sleazy meat market. When she leaves, you experience stomach churning dread that The Very Worst Thing In The World (TM) is going to happen. Some other dude is going to take his penis, put it in her vagina, and she’ll get pregnant to him. Thus making you a total failure in getting your genes spread into the future generations. Do. Not. Want.

Now imagine you’re a wife and your unattractive husband comes up to you and asks for sex. That would mean some repulsive loser is going to try and put his penis inside your vagina and you might get pregnant to him… which would be The Very Worst Thing In The World (TM) to happen to you. In would result in a crappy kid, who would likely fail to get your genes spread into future generations. Do. Not. Want.

That stomach churning dread she feels when her unattractive husband comes on to her, is the exact same reaction husbands have when she wants to disappear on a Girl’s Night Out.

This is why you can’t logically argue your wife into having more sex with her… because it would be from her point of view, completely illogical to have sex with you. In fact it would be pretty stupid of her on a biological level to risk it.

This is why when she offers “I’m too tired today, I’ll have sex with you tomorrow.” She never has any intention of having sex with you tomorrow. It’s just a ploy to get you to not have sex with her tonight.

Thus your solution isn’t to throw a fit, get in her face, or be threatening. Oh that can work, but it’s a very short term response as she’ll attempt to cut you back off as quickly as she can. The long term solution is to become attractive as you can be. The cockblock is you.

Now if you run the MAP and get in great shape, earn more money and generally get your crap together… objectively maxing out your attractiveness… if she then still turns you down, well then you can go back and apply the  initial logic that sums out to her being a bitch that just isn’t into you. If your attractiveness is maxed out, there’s nothing more you can do to evoke her sexual interest in you anyway. So that’s the call it quits point. She just doesn’t want to have sex with you.

If you run the MAP and become as attractive as you can be, either she responds to you and sex starts back up, or she doesn’t because she never will… which leaves you at the peak of your attractiveness and far better able to find a new woman to love and want you. Either way you win. It’s just not a quick fix or easy. But it does work.

Buy the book. Get started today.



  1. Athol, you are the smartest man in the world.

  2. taterearl says:

    It takes great humility to admit the cockblock is you. Personally pride and ego can be just as damaging to your sex life if you don’t see the antics you pull are the reason why you are failing.

  3. greenlander says:

    Will someone please remind me again of why I should want to get married? I’ve forgotten why I should want to give up my single life to jump through stupid hoops for sex with someone who agreed to provide it.

  4. Or, as has been pointed out elsewhere, remind her that if the grocery store is closed, there’s a convenience store just around the corner who will gladly do business with you…

  5. The calls are coming from inside the house! The horror. No, this is spot on. Athol’s advice really just boils down to “be a man, not a child.” Women respond differently to real men than they do to children. It all circles back to being a real man. I try and some of it comes naturally, some is a bit of a struggle. I am a bit too sarcastic with some stuff and my feelings do get hurt when she turns me down for sex. But I am at least aware of the reasons and know in my heart that it is my fault and not her fault that she isn’t attracted to me “in that moment.” Because I’m in charge of it. Not her. She is just responding to me. If the panties aren’t hitting the floor, it is because I’m not properly doing my job as “man of the house.” It almost always comes back to being too beta and not enough alpha. Because let’s face it, most people on here aren’t natural alphas. Naturally alphas wouldn’t search out a site like Athol’s. They’d just dump the bitch and head to the pub. So when I find myself getting turned down for sex, maybe that’s time to put some distance between wifey and me and go build something. Or change the oil in the car. Or fix the light switch or organize my tools or hit the gym. Manly stuff. Like drinking whiskey and eating steak. Growing up in the late eighties/early nineties instilled a lot of Blue Pill bullshit and it creeps back in from time to time. When it does, it’s really easy to tell. Because the wife comes to bed wearing pajamas instead of lace underwear. When the PJs come out, I head for the man cave.

  6. Related but not exactly the same thing: duty sex that the wife doesn’t enjoy. (Assuming it’s not hate sex, assuming the husband is capable of pleasing his wife in bed.) I don’t understand this. If good sex is possible, why isn’t it happening? If one is asking a woman for basically a cuddly and painless pelvic exam, I’d expect less enthusiasm than if you’re offering mutual sexual pleasure.
    Again, this is informed by my religious background to some extent, so I’m interested to hear if this sounds off the mark.

  7. whatmeworry says:

    Yeah Athol is not exactly selling marriage with this.

    You can do all those things and get sex with *many* women without the provider strings and divorce sword of damocles hanging over your head. There is zero downside for her with protective daddy state waiting in the wings.
    Sure you can buff yourself up and leave….with half your shit now and half of what you will ever have in the future (queue related Eastwood line from ‘Unforgiven’).

    Roissy’s argument for playing the system poolside is getting stronger and stronger with this generation of women. Plus you can work half as hard and FIRE since you’re not providing for anyone but yourself.

  8. It’s a complicated dance. Under Marriage 1.0 a wife was obligated to provide sex more or less on demand (unless she cited “female problems”, which made our sires recoil in ignorant horror) and the husband more or less demanded sex enough to spark enough Alpha to get grandma’s engine running. Now that there is no expectation of sex-on-demand, there is less demanding. That is, there is more hesitancy and less confidence in husbands based in part on the uncertainty of the endeavor.

    More than likely, gramps and gran were doing it pretty regularly, at least once or twice a week, plus possible discreet forays in the basement when the kids weren’t looking. Because it was expected, he could approach the subject with a lot more confidence. And she could reasonably rely on him approaching enough so that even when she did put out out of a sense of wifely obligation, it strengthened the marital bond through its constancy and kept her primed for (hopefully) more rewarding passionate encounters on Saturday night.

    Now, not so much. Under Marriage 2.0 there is no “right” for a husband to “demand” sex from his wife. That psychological uncertainty turns what used to be the central support structure of a functioning marriage into a constant negotiation and indulgence in the kind of moody crap that kills both attraction and desire, and stomps passion into the dust. With the hesitancy and lack of confidence on the part of the dude, the chick loses the tingle, panties dry, and she starts IV sex.

    So what is the answer? In a Red Pill marriage, it should be understood by both parties that while the husband may not have the “right” to “demand” sex, that there is an expectation of regular sex (to be defined and negotiated by the parties) and intermittent sexual activity, from flirtation to kissing to first-base groping, as weather permits. That is, if you are both conscious, not actively pissed off at each other, and there are no little people to intervene. That means that a reasonable request or overt initiation of sex should at least be respected and not rejected out-of-hand by either party. This includes the “raincheck” that never gets cashed. (BTW, Mrs. Ironwood does this too. If I ever got a chance to cash in all of the rainchecks she’s given me over the years, she’d be walking funny for months).

    My rule of thumb is that an overt initiation, “weather permitting”, gets one demure soft rejection. If she does it twice, I make it known I’m not happy with the situation, and the temperature goes down. If it happens a third time in a row, I see myself justified in turning down the temp REAL low and going into the Man Cave. Pre-Red Pill this would have meant days of moody brooding in which she would have asked “What’s wrong?” over and over again and I would have said “I’m fine!” until we spun off into a largely unproductive relationship discussion.

    Now, in the rare instances where I get that third strike, she knows INSTANTLY what’s wrong. Because I tell her. “That’s it, three rejections and I’m out. Ball’s in your court, and you’d better make it good.” That’s my way of telling her that I’m so frustrated with the situation that I’m not going to make another initiation until she makes an initiation — preferably a highly repentant GFE. That might sound passive-aggressive to some, but we have a fairly low-drama relationship and it suits us. Of course, while I’m waiting for her to initiate (and I won’t take just any old ‘get naked, let’s do this’, she has to work for it) I work out and throw off as much Alpha and cut back severely on the Beta until she can’t stand it.

  9. @Flipper You’re right on with your comment. One small suggestion based on my experience with my husband.
    “Because the wife comes to bed wearing pajamas instead of lace underwear. When the PJs come out, I head for the man cave.”
    change to: “When the PJs come out, the PJs come off.”
    My husband *never* puts up with me wearing anything to bed.

  10. i read the book. i am so glad i subscribe to this blog because it keeps me on my game. gotta bring my beta up a bit to raise my rank. been gettin’ lazy.

  11. PastorofMuppers says:

    It’s charming that some people believe there was a time in modern history when wives were somehow obligated to give sex on demand and willingly went along.
    The reality is something different. Reality is that married guys are getting laid today more often than 50-60 years ago (“Marriage 1.0″). Go read the Kinsey Report.

  12. I agree with this on a philisophical level of people want to have sex with people they’re attracted to. What i disagree with is the bio aspect of it, otherwise known as ‘I married you because i found you to be worthy of mating with and having children with, hence marriage’ principle.

    This part below doesn’t fly, for me anyways.

    “That would mean some repulsive loser is going to try and put his penis inside your vagina and you might get pregnant to him… which would be The Very Worst Thing In The World (TM) to happen to you.”

    So an off night or a couple weeks of acting beta instantly invalidates everything that was accomplished in the courtship, dating and prior sexual interludes where it was OK?

    I find bio excuses to be used rather exhaustively at times. Jockstrap with boulders for shoulders and runs a mile a minute, fights in the army killing people with his bare hands, chiseled jaw and all, acts like a beta for a few days and all of a sudden his genes are The Very Worst Thing In The World (TM)??? I think not.

    Let’s keep it simple. A woman wants to tingle and be into the sex, be a part of the sex, not just there as an obligation, a requirement.

    Yeah men need to own their crap and realize they shouldn’t demand something out of a non responsive woman which will only further resentment. They need to address their shortcoming in atractiveness whatever it may be. Women need to own their shit too. They need to question if what’s grating them is really such a terrible thing, reevealuate if it’s the proper way to be acting (cold, offputting) and foster an environment for allowing the guy to be a guy, ‘man up’ as it were and let him do what is required (a little guidance and support instead of the default ‘figure it out on your own’) to rekindle the tingle.

    Quickest way tho to make a woman reevaluate her stance tho is to use dread imho.

    Her: “I’m too tired today, I’ll have sex with you tomorrow.”
    You: “That’s ok dear, no worries, ill just head off to the strip club tonight. See you in the morning”
    Her: !?!?!?!??!

    At least it would open up a dialogue fairly quickly as to why sex is not on her mind :)

  13. PastorofMuppers says:

    Good post.
    I think the same largely holds true for all the talk of “shit tests.”
    I understand the principle and think it generally holds true in the early/courting stage of a relationship. But I don’t think that after years of marriage, hundreds of rolls in the hay, the birth of a couple of kids, etc., women are still trying to test fitness on a daily basis. Fitness already has been determined. The notion that a woman would sleep with a guy for years, give birth to his offspring but then abruptly deem him unworthy of her vagina because he held her purse one day or ran an errand for her seems patently absurd.

  14. MG3, as absurd as it sounds, it seems to be the case. Women seem to be creatures of “What have you done for me lately” , but have a scrap book of everything you ever did that pissed them off, none of the good stuff is in there. On a bad day all it takes is for some other guy to “treat them nice” and women get that scrap book out and start to stew and rethink the entire relationship. The ” if only I’d married Kenny” kind of stuff, even though she conveniently forgets she got the clap from Kenny (twice) and he slept with three of her best friends ;~) She gets enough attention from someone else and suddenly your entire marriage is viewed as crap from day one….Yeah I know ,why do we bother…

  15. 2manypasswords says:

    There’s alot of truth to what Athol says about raincheck sex. I also agree that the guy probably needs to get honest with himself & look in the mirror if he wants to solve the problem. With that said, I don’t know…it’s not easy to tell what is a deep-seated turnoff based on evoluntionary biology…versus a woman simply acting like a spoiled brat. This is one of those posts where I ask myself why did I get married.

  16. @greenlander: If you start your marriage from a point of being a great alpha, and you maintain it, you don’t really have to worry about this kind of thing. Keep in mind that Athol is writing for men who’ve been betaized for many, many years.

    Plus, if you start in a knowingly alpha frame, you’ll attract a more red pill type woman (maybe not consciously red pill, but more of a red pill frame than usual, if you know what I mean) and you’ll be more sensitive to any red flags you see.

  17. Agree with @M3.

    I’ve said this before, but, if more than twice a week she’s asking if we can have another baby (because the three we’ve had to date are so lovely), and this request is accompanied by affectionate cuddles, but only sporadic, unenthusiastic sex, then there is something wrong with the analysis.
    She wants to get pregnant by me, she can’t get enough of my genes, it’s just the container she’s not so keen on.

    It’s not an isolated case. There are plenty of men whose wives are generally sex-avoidant but will do it to get another baby.

  18. Thursday's Child says:

    Red Pill goes down bitter on both sides of the gender line.

    On one hand what Athol is saying in this post kinda smarts. But on the other hand it’s pretty damn empowering. Beacause it’s not just about me lamenting anymore about my bad luck in choosing a partner who is sex-avoidant or lazy in bed. It’s about me realizing and owning that I am 50% of this equation. And that just maybe some of the things that I can change/adjust/influence can be the feather at the end of the lever; or a big-ass kick to nudge the fulcrum a bit more in the direction I want. I’m going for the big-ass kick. Just sayin.

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  20. I agree with the rain check but it isn’t always that bad. Sometimes I think she genuinely wants to suck or fuck but life is in the way. Kids and jobs. I find that if I push her on the rain check the next day I am getting vag or mouth. I’ll survive.

  21. Sometimes I don’t understand why this stuff actually needs to be articulated for people. Kinda like that saying, “the only person in the way of your success is you” (or something to that effect). Also, LMAO at “logically convince her into having sex with you”…Do men actually think that works?

    Why get married? I hear that when it’s with the right person, everything works right, and it’s amazing.

  22. @Over It, this stuff must be taught because of all of the misinformation routinely taught to men (and women) about how spouses should be, such misinformation collectively being known as the blue pill. And no, if logic doesn’t work on women in general, then it probably won’t work in the bedroom, either.

    Then there are the stories about single men who get to experience the amazing parts of being with women and about all of the married men who do not.

  23. Or, the hard truth is that she’s an Alpha Widow who was never into you in the first place but married you because she was nearing her expiration date and confused “pre-wedding euphoria” dopamine for “in love” dopamine. You can MAP all you want but will never have the high-testosterone features and pheromones to make her tingle. The cockblock isn’t you, it’s the 20+ (mostly thicker) cocks she had before yours. The piece missing from Ian’s analysis is that Grandma was a virgin bride.

  24. cecil henry says:

    There would be a lot more fear of God in her if a) she wasn’t married to you and/or b) the consequences would be divorce with no access to your assets and custody of the children50/50 or whoever can pay for them!

    That would be fair. ITs coming.

  25. PastorofMuppers says:

    Another myth about the “good old days,” that only a small percentage of “sluts” weren’t virgins on their wedding nights back in the day.
    The reality us that, according to multiple studies by Kinsey and others, a majority of women even in the hallowed 50s we’re having sex before marriage.

  26. Kinsey was a pervert and a propagandist, and his “research” has been trashed by every qualified person who’s looked at it, including the American Statistical Society. One of the bullshit rationalizations of the sexual revolution is that everybody was already promiscuous before the late ’60s; they just didn’t talk about it. Bullshit.

  27. PastorofMuppers says:

    Ad hominems are fun.
    Fine, toss Kinsey.
    Try this one on for size. In short, it says 48 percent of those born between 1939 and 1948 had premarital sex by their 20th birthday and 73 percent had by the time they were 25.


    How much of the premarital sex was happening with future spouses as opposed to hookups and/or other short-term partners?

  28. Premarital sex in the 50’s pretty much meant the engagement ring was on the finger.

  29. Joe_Commenter says:

    The MAP fixes raincheck sex issues. The great thing is that once a man owns the “I expect sex from my wife” frame, the issues get resolved pretty fast and the constant battles get resolved. She’s either going to fuck you or she’s not wife material anymore. You can get someone better who will do you. But maybe skip the marriage part the 2nd time around.

  30. @M3, @PastorofMuppers

    You guys seem to think that Beta is bad. Athol said that the guy needs to run his MAP, which could be upping the Alpha or the Beta, depending on his strengths. But Beta isn’t bad. TOO MUCH Beta is bad. So a guy who has a very Alpha frame, “boulders for shoulders” and all that, doing a few Beta acts is HoT to a girl. It’s not that he ruins his chances at sex by running an errand or giving his wife cuddles on the couch. That will most certainly not turn her off. What happens is that over time his frame (assuming he started the relationship in good Alpha mode) his Frame shifts to dominantly Beta, low on Alpha, and she loses the attraction, her confidence in his leadership, the tingle. Alpha men doing really comforting Beta acts are what gives a girl the tingle in Action flicks. The macho guy falling for the girl and running his (big calloused hand) down her cheek, telling her he missed her…)

    But as they say over at the Forum, the frame! It’s all in the Frame! :)

    As far as girls

  31. “As far as girls…”

    Can be edited out. Not sure where that came from.

  32. —–
    That stomach churning dread she feels when her unattractive husband comes on to her, is the exact same reaction husbands have when she wants to disappear on a Girl’s Night Out.

    Ouch, that’s fucking brutal, but it does explain a lot.

  33. Late comment, but don’t see where AK has addressed menopause. Searched the site, but only address a woman’s body agenda in her late ’30s. I think I’ve run the MAP pretty well for the first 25 years of marriage. Probably not as good as some, but overall, our sex life was pretty good. But after 5 kids and into our 30th year of marriage, wife’s libido has hit rock bottom after going through menopause. Things started going downhill when she hit about 46, and now that she’s 51, she has no interest in sex at all. I know the ideas of MMSL mostly apply to younger couples. Any advice for us mid-lifers and on, whose wives have zero libido? Hormone replacement is out as it is cancer causing. I know divorce is always an option, but do I really value sex over a long term relationship with wife? Besides laying there and being a sperm receptacle, what’s to be done?

  34. If elderly people in general, and elderly women in particular, were no longer really sexual, then nursing homes would be more or less sex free zones. They’re not.

    Geyser, I don’t know what to tell you about your problem with your wife except to note that such a sexual decline is not inevitable and is a problem, so treat it as the problem it is.

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