So following on from yesterday’s Good Beta, Betaized, Butler and Hooker Math.
Wolfie: OK. So how do we move from Betaized to Good Beta then? I’ve been running the MAP but this is an area where in the last couple of weeks I’ve started noticing directions & expectations.
Athol: The only difference between Good Beta and Betaized is her attraction to you. So the only solution is to increase your attractiveness. If that entails cutting back on Beta goodies to work on your exercise and Alpha moves, you may as well do so, because all your Beta efforts count for nothing other wise.
Beta Tester: So how do you change this? Don’t just say “run the MAP”. My wife works part time but parks her ass on the couch for 4 or more hours after work. She does not even put her clothes away after I wash and fold them. If I stop doing these chores, the house becomes a squalor pit and the kids and I have to live in it. Her solution is we need a larger house (big time shit test).
Athol: I think the immediate move is to stop washing her clothes. Stop folding them. Stop putting them away. Don’t even touch them. Either she washes her clothes or she can look and smell bad. She’ll get mad as hell that you aren’t doing her laundry, but that’s simply a tactic to try and get you to change your attitude and get back to work catering to her. Ignore the entire issue. Ignore everything to do with her clothes. If she gets really pissed, start laughing and film her having a fit about you not washing her clothes.
Though I get the feeling that you’re doing a lot more than just the laundry. I also have a vague hunch that your wife is performing “Negative Work” in that she actually creates more mess by her presence in the house, than she provides in terms of chores and child care. Or at least she’s breaking even on positive vs negative effect on her presence in the house.
Several times I’ve ended up in situations at work where one employee is performing Negative Work. The days they don’t come in to work, or are on vacation, are more functional and productive with them not being around. The mood is better and more gets done without them, even if you’re short-staffed that day it can be better without them. Usually they are in a position of some kind of middling authority. Their mere presence drains the energy from the room as they demand, distract, delegate, depress and dominate an entire team. They also complain loudly that the team is failing, unmanageable, disloyal, requires constant supervision and that they are very unhappy in their job. Complaints about them, or direct criticisms of them, are typically met with harsh sanctions as a response.
The only solution that I’ve ever seen work with dealing with these people is that they get reamed out by someone in authority, nearly get fired and get a smack down a level on the totem pole. Otherwise, you simply have to get out from their sphere of influence. But there is no magical cure where they see the light and turn their shit around and become wonderful people. Sometimes though the rot goes up a couple of management levels, so it’s just easier to move sideways or out completely.
Assuming you’ve reasonably maxed out your attractiveness, well into a Phase Three and other women are showing you attention. You’ve stopped doing all the personal catering to her that you can without making the entire house a health and safety risk. Yet she’s still digging in like Jabba the Hutt on the couch and performing Negative Work. At some point you just have to either stop fighting her and be her minion forever, or say enough is enough and make a bid for freedom and stop carrying her through life.
There just are some basic functional practicalities about running a household. You need income and chores done. How that all gets assigned between the couple and the kids I really don’t care. But part of life is being a self-supporting functional adult and for lack of a better word… doing your job… and if you can’t do your job, you can’t have your job.
So yeah… run the MAP. Not what you wanted to hear I know and a whole lot easier for me to say, than for you to do. It’s worth it to be free of energy vampires though.
And yes… all this applies to husbands too. Even if you’re struggling to find work, there’s always something positive you can be doing. No free lunch. No rest for the wicked or something. About 40% of my email is from women about this exact same sort of issue. The advice I give them is no different than this post.