New Year’s Eve and It Just Happened

Slightly out of context…

Reader:  I have also discovered that there’s another guy on the scene she’s been seeing behind my back messages on Facebook meeting up with him when supposed to be visiting friends so things could get interesting.  Do I tell her I know about this guy or keep quiet and work on my MAP and win her back?

Athol:  Also added into that concern was that Christmas is coming and he doesn’t want to ruin it for the kids. Plus based on Facebook messaging it only seems to have been some “drunken fumbling” so far. No actual sex.

Yes you do work on your MAP and get yourself as attractive as possible, but with another man active on the playing field, you need to actively intervene on that as your first order of business. Skip to Chapter 27 in the Primer and follow that. Once all the drama and dust settles, women typically will gravitate to the male with the most dominant approach to the situation. Gather your information and make a move to stopping it.

If you don’t intervene, you running the MAP isn’t going to work. She’s already getting her Alpha fix from someone else, leaving you only a Beta supply role. You can up your Alpha all you like and she won’t notice she’ll be so busy creating space between you. The sudden threat of ending the relationship and removing her entire Beta support system in your justifiable anger typically snaps a wife’s attention back into proper focus. The boyfriend is typically in no position to really offer her a Beta support structure, meaning the failure of the affair as a relationship. It usually takes the betrayed partner’s unwitting Beta support to sustain the affair.

Also it’s very tempting to drag the chain a little and keep the peace until after Christmas. I must strongly advise against that. The longer you let it go, the greater the likihood that the Emotional Affair, turns into a Physical Affair and that makes it a great deal harder to reign back in and repair. I would also assign a 100% chance that if the affair is still active by New Year’s Eve, that it will be fully sexual. She’ll just stage a big fight about something, storm off and make a beeline for him. You’ll be home alone with the kids and knowing exactly what is going down. New Year’s Eve is just one of those “the rules don’t apply” nights of the year.

She was having a good time, she had a few drinks, they were dancing, the ball dropped, it was meant to just be a little kiss, but then it wasn’t and “I don’t know. It just happened.”

So dig up the dirt and blow it all into the open as soon as possible. I’m told there’s quite a sizable divorce filing spike in early January each year. Tick Tock.

Comments

  1. Yeah. Nothing “just happens”. Thats just some shit women say when they get seduced while a guy does all the work.
    Like Athol said, fuck the peace, don’t be a pussy. Either tell her to cut the shit or cut her loose. If a man doesn’t have standards for his partner’s behavior, he’s not a man in her eyes.

  2. I left my ex-wife on Christmas Eve, a thousand miles from home when we were visiting her family. It was hard, but cheating is unacceptable. And the wife in this post will cheat quickly.

  3. taterearl says:

    Who knew women’s resolutions also included finding a new man.

  4. Unfortunately speaking from experience…

    Blow the lid off it sooner rather than later. Cheaters thrive on secrecy. If you do not out it, you are actually aiding her to keep her secrets and to keep this going. F-Christmas and keeping the peace. Peace at any price? No. Don’t do that. This is one of those counter-intuitive things. Your only chance for lasting peace is to out the affair soon, essentially shutdown all beta support to her and even go public as a nuclear option.

    What does that mean? That means you might have to out it in a public way, like to your relatives, church members, etc. If you out it to her relatives and friends, just remember they are NEVER going to be on your side. She’s probably told them for years what a D-Bag you are so odds are they are firmly in her court and depending on the details of the situation may be actually lying and covering for her.

    It will take balls of steel to do this which is actually what you need to have the best chance to put and end to this before it goes even further. The longer it goes on, the more damage she will do, and the less chance you will ever be able to reconcile or recover the situation. If it goes on and on there will come a point where you will not want to reconcile with her, or just can’t psychologically bring yourself to (gotta have some pride) and that would really ruin Christmas for the kids for every Christmas to come.

    Cheating Wife Immediate Action Drill:

    1. Gather hard copies of phone records, e-mail chains, whatever you can.

    2. Grab your brother, uncle, cousin, father, close friend (who is not sleeping with your wife), tell them the sitch so you aren’t sitting there eating yourself alive inside.

    3. Have them drive you around and do the following:

    a. Go to your bank. Get the teller to print you a balance of your accounts. Then get half of everything in your accounts and take by cashiers check to a completely new bank, open accounts in your name only and put your half in there. Before you leave have the teller print you a balance on all accounts post withdrawal.

    b. If you have direct deposit – change it to go to your new account.

    c. Call your insurance agent – remove her as a beneficiary on all of your life insurance policies. Change it to a close relative that you would trust to take care of your kids. Never give anyone a financial incentive to see you wind up dead.

    d. If you have joint credit cards – call and report them lost – not stolen – lost. They will send new cards. Activate yours. Put her new on in the shredder. Same with any ATM cards, gas cards, store credit cards, etc. If you have a line of credit at the bank I would tell them you want to freeze any further withdrawals against it for now. I would just explain to the bank manager you might be getting a divorce and want to freeze the account for now. They will understand.

    e. Since you have kids you can’t do this next one – but if you didn’t, and you are paying for her cell or have it on your plan – cancel it. Tough shit.

    f. If you have a will, change it. You can download Quicken Will Maker or something and bust one out in 30 minutes. Take two copies to the UPS store and they have a notary there. Get it notarized and give one copy to the relative to hold onto. Take her out of your will for everything. Yeah, a judge might change that after the fact, but do it.

    g. Cancel your Internet service – hehehe!!!!!! Then you go to the Verizon store or AT&T store and you get a USB Wi-Fi adapter and plug that into your computer. You will have Internet. She will not.

    h. If the cars are in your name – locate the titles and put them in a safe deposit box only you have access to.

    i. If you own firearms and other man toys – transfer them or store them with a close relative for now.

    4. Go get a lawyer and file. What? Yeah file for divorce on grounds of adultery. Just because you file doesn’t mean you have to go to court. Just because you take it all the way to court doesn’t mean you have to get a divorce. If she counteracts by getting a lawyer and counter-filing – buddy – you were headed here anyway. Get a temporary custody order if your lawyer can swing it.

    5. If the man she is cheating with is married or has a fiance, etc. You contact their spouse and tell them everything. You want to make life as uncomfortable for him as possible. If he and your wife work together – gather your balls and go talk to the boss at the office. Most every business has a policy against fraternization. Could it mean your wife gets fired? Yup. Which is more important – the job or your marriage? Up to you.

    6. BRACE YOURSELF – she will lie, lie, lie, lie, lie and accuse you of all kinds of stuff, freak out on you and generally try to bully you into undoing the things you’ve done. Tough shit. What she’s trying to do is bully you into allowing her to continue the affair. Your response: “I love you and the kids, and you’re not behaving like a wife and mother now. I’ll do what it takes to save this family.” Essentially your first officer has committed treason. Be prepared that you might wind up having to dishonorably discharge her. So go into all this just assuming the worst outcome could happen. It could. If it was going to go this route – it was going to go this route.

    Let me tell you something – public shame is a powerful tool – if everyone at work, church, the neighborhood and your relatives know she is whoring around – it will have an impact. Unfortunately you have to share in the public humiliation as well. It’s okay, that’s not your fault, but you gotta do what you gotta do to shut the affair down.

    7. If she abandons the marital home – it depends on the laws of your state – you might have to actually give her a legal eviction notice before you can change the locks.

    8. Be prepared that she will lie and tell you it’s over. It’s not. Like a dog returning to its vomit a person in an affair or with a chemical dependency will try to keep it going as long as possible until they hit rock bottom. You’re going to help her hit rock bottom – fast. If you don’t want to act like a wife – you lose all wife privileges – ASAP.

    Women only love a man they can respect. She doesn’t respect you right now. Doing as much of the above as you can, as soon as you can sends a hugely powerful message that you are not to be trifled with and protect what is yours.

    HERE IS WHAT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO:

    1. Do Not Hit Anyone or spaz out. She may come up with on her own, or at the urging of her “friends” or lawyer to call the Po-Po on you and claim you did something. That will result in you getting tossed from the house and hurt you later in court if it comes to that. Chicks know this. The police become their big brother that she can call to kick your ass on her say so. Don’t play the game. If things get heated. You stay calm. If she starts throwing shit and stuff – walk out the front door of your house – swallow your embarrassment – and call the police yourself and have her cited for a domestic or disorderly conduct.

    2. Don’t shoot anyone or hurt anyone. Rule number one of life – never go to jail over a woman. There are always other women to be had. Yes, really, there are. But if you are in jail you will not meet them. You will be in there with Bubba your cellmate. Not good.

    3. Marriage Counseling / Church Counseling – it’s a ruse. “Let’s go to marriage counseling and talk about this…” She’s just buying time to “explore” her feelings. Hehe, which usually means having his cock explore her some more. Marriage counseling is shit. If you are in marriage counseling for anything other than her being upset that you slept with your hot 19 year old secretary, consider your marriage officially 90% done. Besides, most marriage counselors are chicks and they are not going to be on your side. It will turn into one hour sessions of them ganging up on you to tell you all your failings. F that noise.

    Finally – once the dust settles – do some serious thinking about if this is the kind of woman you can see yourself spending the next 30-40 years with. Maybe, maybe not. Up to you. Maybe you decide in your mind that you stick until the kids go to college and then you bail. I don’t know. Only you can know that and what you can live with everyday for the rest of your life.

    Good Luck.

  5. One more thing on the cell phone –

    You can login to your account and add the “Parental Controls” feature to her phone and disable texting and data access. You might even be able to prevent calling of certain numbers.

  6. Oh, and if you don’t have the nuts to out this to the other man’s wife, etc. or you feel bad about maybe upsetting his family don’t. He didn’t give a shit about you or your kids, but if you just can’t do it – have your lawyer do it. He can contact the spouse or the guy and let them know he needs a call back because of pending divorce litigation on grounds of adultery, and the other man is going to be subpoenaed for a deposition and likely have to appear in court and testify regarding it. Talk about a bucket of cold water. The LOLZ!!!!!

  7. Dang, one more thing. If you can’t cancel your Internet service you can usually login to your linksys router and block facebook, yahoo mail, g-mail, etc.

    If you can’t do that – go to opendns.org Sign up for a free account. You will install a little thing on your computer that logs into opendns.org and let’s the system know your current IP. You will change the DNS settings on your computer to use the opendns.org DNS servers.

    Now, you can login to the opendns.org web page and block what you like. Not perfect, but better than nothing. Listen to the wails and shrieks as she can no longer get to Facebook from the house.

    Soon the female MMSL readers will be along to tell you what a prick I am. That should be the signal to you that you are taking the right steps. The Lolz!!!!

  8. If she’s that unhappy/screwed-up and already has another guy lined up, save yourself a lot of crap and tell her to go. Women that have got to that point don’t respect you and you’ll only ever been seen as a spare tire if she does come back. Why would any one want a spouse who had to be shamed or manipulated by pressure from family, friends or financial situations to stay with you?

    If your wife has been this miserable, chances are you have not been very happy either. Like most men in this situation, you’ve probably been putting up with all sorts of crap just to hold the marriage together. That’s a noble thing to do and there is no shame in it, but if it’s one sided, do yourself a favor and boot her to the curb. It will hurt like hell for about a year and then you’ll look back and realize you’ve been given a second chance….grab it and run with it.

  9. @Tinker

    Yep there is always that as well. I wound up doing that option. I’m not happy that I got divorced, but I’m damned happy I’m not married to that woman anymore.

  10. KillaHertz says:

    Wow ZLX1, you are thorough! I can’t think of anything to add to that, except that it sounds like great advice, and I hope the dude in question has the balls to follow it. Good luck, dude in question!

  11. Flaming Man of Iron says:

    WOW ZLX1… that is some pretty serious advice. Great advice too.

  12. ZLX1, it’s what I ended up doing as well. I thought about doing everything on the list, but it just seemed to me like I’d be chasing after someone who had betrayed me and my kids in the worst possible way. I went full 180 and as NC as is possible when you have kids . It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but as it’s turned out I’m in a better place mapping than if I’d spent months playing Secret Agent/Vigilante with an unfaithful spouse.

  13. John Q Galt says:

    @ZLX1

    “Yep there is always that as well. I wound up doing that option. I’m not happy that I got divorced, but I’m damned happy I’m not married to that woman anymore.”

    Same here. If you more or less have your shit together, there are no shortages of women out there.

    Also take his advice on all the things you should do. I did some, didn’t do some, but they are all things that needed to be done.

  14. Newly Aloof says:

    ZL: that’s great advice. The only down side is you bolting and now the bitch will be able to have the kids half the time with another man in their lives. Sucks all around, but I’d take your advice nonetheless.

  15. RedPillAlready says:

    As Athol said, dig up dirt, but I’d recommend doing it extremely quickly and hit this thing before their next possible meeting (probably this weekend, if she’s not sneaking out mid-week), and hit it hard. One more in-person meeting could mean intercourse, and you’ll feel a hell of a lot better if you stop it before he puts his P in her V (if he hasn’t already). Keep it controlled, but let the rage show. Be ready to walk if she doesn’t cut it off instantly. I also recommend an in-person meeting between the three of you (that you demand happens “today”) where she tells him that it’s over, you quietly display your rage and desire to destroy him, and (ideally) he acts like a scared puppy. That puts you properly back in the driver seat and makes him look like the tool that he is. (Of course this doesn’t work if he’s huge and trained in MMAs and you’re not).

    I also recommend not hitting him. It makes things more complicated. But, on the other hand, there’s nothing wrong with showing him that you *want* to hit him, and that you’d be happy to if he gives you an excuse. Especially if he doesn’t do the scared puppy thing, you need to be sure to stay dominant.

  16. One thing to add about digging up dirt on a cheating wife — don’t get bogged down in a confrontation with her over the details of her behavior. Do NOT get into a conversation about what you know and how you know it.

    If you fall for that one, what you will get is a trickle of truth and endless discussion about mitigation and excuses — a counter-argument from her along the lines of “Well, we kissed but there was no penetration. I was drunk. I was in another world. It’s not as bad as it could have been!!!”

    Fuck all that. She has been disloyal. Sexually disloyal to you. I don’t care if it’s coffee at Starbucks, or a few sexy messages through Facebook, or a few nipple tweaks in the broom closet at the office. It’s cheating.

    Marriage means you bargained for her sexual loyalty. She has cheated you out of that promise. Do NOT even entertain a discussion about the details or how “bad” it was or wasn’t.

    But get going on the divorce. You can actually file as ZLX1 suggested, but you need to at least have your assets protected and lawyers lined up and a divorce petition drafted with her name on it as a defendant. Put it in her hands. Seeing the document in real life will help dispel the comfortable illusion she’s been operating under.

    Also, you need to accept the fact that you can’t control the outcome here. Either she will drop it all and fall in love with you again, or she won’t. You need to be “outcome independent” on this point, and quit trying to micro-manage the results. She will immediately sense if you are willing do ANYTHING to keep from losing her. Only the threat of immediate negative consequences — and your displays of courage and fortitude — are going to change her mind, if at all. Show her that you are ready, willing and able to end the marriage and get another woman if she does not turn it all around, pronto.

  17. “. . .she will lie, lie, lie, lie, lie and accuse you of all kinds of stuff, freak out on you. . . .”

    And that’s why the only thing I would add to ZLX1′s excellent list is

    BUY AND USE A RECORDING DEVICE.

    Every man in the western world today should have one just for “social” self-defense. I’ve lost track of the number of horror stories I’ve read or heard from other guys where even just a ‘stealth’ audio recorder in the front shirt pocket would have saved them from a whole new world of hurt.

    Modern western culture is thoroughly infected with behavioral STDs. Many women out there effectively have herpes or syphllis or worse for a personality. AFAICT,personal recording devices are the best immunization we have against that so far. Easiest, cheapest, most cost-effective means available.

  18. Got my daily dose of MMSL depression.

  19. “Soon the female MMSL readers will be along to tell you what a prick I am.”

    I think you underestimate the women of MMSL. Cheaters deserve everything they get, don’t think anyone would disagree with that.

  20. Had a similar situation (less far along) that I, in retrospect, screwed up.

    Whatever you do, you absolutely cannot cave.

    With my wife, I found some very flirty texts and emails to an ex-boyfriend that she had described as her “one that got away.” I confronted her about them. I got read the riot act about violating her trust. I got a million and five rationalizations about how I was being a terrible person and over-reacting. I got screaming and crying about not trusting her. Finally, push came to shove and she said she was leaving over it. I caved. Told her I was sorry for lord know’s what, as if I was the one who did something wrong.

    I definitely lost a ton of points that day and our relationship hasn’t been nearly as good since. Honestly, some days I think I would have been better off just letting her leave, as my trust in her has never recovered and her lust for me is a fraction of what it once was.

    Never too late to say you’ve had enough of being her Plan B.

  21. Couldn’t Christmas work in your favor here? Lay it all on the line and tell her you’re giving her one single chance to pull her crap together by Christmas but afterwards it’s over -one chance meaning immediately cutting off all contact and working on honestly repenting and repairing her behavior towards you and your family. During which time you can up your rule setting, no shit taking, “you know you want this” Alpha game and reinforce your rockstar star dad, take your hair down and relax with me Beta game. If she’s half-way normal there’s going to be good bit of psychological pressure on her to have a happy family Christmas, so if you clearly frame it that she’s the one screwing up Christmas and that you’re the one pulling the family back together I’d say there’s a chance. I mean, being the woman who bailed on her family to spend time with her boyfriend while her husband horses around the kids and all their new toys………that’s just pathetic. Seriously, don’t let her go through Christmas with this.

  22. JCclimber says:

    I would echo ZLX1′s advice. Go big or go to the beta poor house. Doing all those things, without showing any incongruent beta behavior, is about the only thing that will help in these situations.

    Haven’t yet in 40+ years met a woman who didn’t respect a man of action.
    I had to do a modified version of this and it worked out well for both of us. Meaning the divorce (no kids) became more amicable once she realized her best bet was to settle quickly before I destroyed all hope of her future happiness.

    Marriage 2 is the opposite as I’ve purged the beta behaviors that got Marriage 1 into trouble.

  23. Wow! And I thought Athol was frank and direct!
    ZLX1,
    That was phenomenal. That was not an angry rant or a tantrum, that was not legalistic hedging, that was what every man needs to hear from another man. That was a plan of ACTION. I do believe you just redefined the phrase “Man Up.”
    Doing it before Christmas is essential. The OP needs all the leverage he can get.

  24. The things in my list are also to protect yourself in case she decides to run off with Mr. Wonderful or get divorced. It will really eat at your guts if she empties all your accounts while they are still legally joint property and uses it to have a grand old time on vacation with him, paid for by your hard earned cash.

    And yeah, like other posters have said NEVER, EVER, EVER reveal how you came to have the information you do. If you tell her how you found out – you’re just telling her how to cover her tracks better. Again, unfortunately speaking from personal experience.

    Good Luck Man.

  25. @Tinker

    Yeah the whole process sucks. I’ll never be glad I went through it and I’ll always have some residual butt-hurt, but I’m having a really good time being single again now. A ball, as they say, and it keeps getting better. It’s actually become fun. Just takes some time to get through things and get a fresh attitude, but it builds on itself bit by bit till you start to feel good again and enjoy things again.

    So even if the shittiest of shit happens, it’s only temporary men. It’s not the end of the world. It only feels like that for a few months, then you pick yourself up, dust off, and start moving forward again.

  26. @Natile

    Good idea, but it won’t work. Too nice. Plus, when people are having affairs they aren’t even remotely acting halfway normal. They have the judgement and the moral compass of a three year old.

    She will keep it going and just lie and pretend. Then later hubby will find out that when she went out for some last minute shopping for kid’s presents she was actually in the Wal-Mart parking lot getting finger banged.

  27. Eric Ventura says:

    One of the reasons i’m not married is because I know I would divorce way to easily. I couldn’t continue being married to someone who did this to me. Anyway, LISTEN to ZXL1.

  28. @ZXL1: You rock. Seriously.

    p.s. Sorry you had to experience what you went through, but hopefully better things will come your way.

  29. I have also discovered that there’s another guy on the scene she’s been seeing behind my back messages on Facebook meeting up with him when supposed to be visiting friends so things could get interesting.

    It’s already physical. If she is meeting him, it’s to “see what happens”, it’s to “make it happen”.

  30. @Hank

    I agree with what you said. Yeah, you F’ed it up there when you caved. It’s okay. We understand.

    When I confronted my then wife with a bunch of new e-mails (after she said it was over and I had deleted her secret accounts – the lolz) she pulled the indignant routine and said I “violated her privacy.” “Oh yeah? Is that more or less worse than when you F’ed the neighbors in our house?” Violated your privacy my ass.

    Hank, like Athol said, it’s never too late to make a change. MAP it up brother and lay down some conditions on her. Maybe it works out, maybe not. If it does, and you are satisfied with things, good. If not, and she walks or you walk, that’s okay too. Maybe that just puts the final nail in the coffin of a relationship that was long overdue to head to the graveyard of memories past. Sometimes you have to pay a price to get back your life and your peace of mind. I couldn’t stay married to my ex so I paid my pound of flesh and gold to the man. Primary reasons:

    1. No trust.
    2. No man with any pride in himself wants to be seen around town with a woman on his arm that everyone knows whores around.
    3. No peace of mind. Always looking over your shoulder. Always wondering if you’re being told new lies. Always wondering what new “final” revelation was going to be revealed. Trickle, trickle.
    4. It struck me cold as ice one day that this person was not someone who would ever make decisions with my best interests or my kids’ best interests as a consideration.
    5. She wasn’t really sorry. Only sorry she got caught and I rained on her parade. Like a teenager caught stealing, they are only sorry for the consequences they have to endure, not for what they did. In their mind, what they did is your fault. “I wouldn’t have done this if you….” “I’m sorry I did that, but you…” F that.

    Tiresome, exhausting and soul destroying.

    Getting divorced sucks dick. No two ways about it. Staying married to her would have sucked more with no end in sight other than to be laying in a nursing home at 75 wondering what I could have done with my life or who I could have met if only…

    Put it to you like this, when the thought of being alone the rest of your life (you won’t be) seems a better prospect than staying married to her and enduring that miserable existence…GTFO.

    Okay – I’m outta here. Enjoy your weekend everyone – don’t catch too many STDs!

    The Lolz!!!

  31. @ ZLX1:

    Soon the female MMSL readers will be along to tell you what a prick I am. That should be the signal to you that you are taking the right steps. The Lolz!!!!

    I’m another one who won’t.

    I agree with everything you said. He’s got to approach this as a threat to his family life and marriage, because that’s what it is! We all know men have a lot to lose in divorce, especially regarding custody of theIraq children. Cheating wives are given primary custody just as often as wives whose husbands had affairs.

    He has to fight the keep his family together. That entails winning back his wife’s respect. If they reconcile, he can decide later on if he wants to stay in the marriage once the kids are grown. But I suspect the letter writer loves his wife and will make a genuine go at repairing their marriage. Regardless, the steps you outside are indeed necessary so he can protect his interests ans have the strongest position going forward. He is the wronged party here, and I wish him the best of luck!

  32. AlphaBeta_Spectrum says:

    Why would you even thin about keeping quiet and working on your MAP, as soon as I found out I’d blow the fuck up! (Of course this would be to my disadvantage for not preparing properly for the divorce to go somewhat in my favor, sucks being a hot head)

  33. ZLX1!!!! What you suggest is the best advice ever. With each line I read, I said in my head, “Now get her again!”. “Now again!” “And again!” etc, etc,etc. Everyone of those steps is cold, calculated and…absolutely fantastic. I hope never have to do them but at the same time, if I do, i hope my nice guy doesn’t decide to take over.

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