Or Were You Looking At The Woman In The Red Dress?

Arthur Dent: “You know, it’s at times like this, when I’m trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I’d listened to what my mother told me when I was young.”

Ford Prefect: “Why, what did she tell you?”

Arthur: “I don’t know, I didn’t listen.”

A couple interesting comments on Girl Thinking About Having Coffee With Plate Spinning Ex-Boyfriend. Obviously everyone was rolling their eyes at the Bride having an ex(?) Friend With Benefits as a groomsman. To her credit, Sparrow did try and warn the groom…

Sparrow:   This is the indirect warning.
Boy, “So, can you tell me anything about the guys my girlfriend was going out with?”
Me, “Well, you’re the first one I haven’t tried to warn her about.”
Please note: if you are the one bright moment in a dating history filled with sleazeballs, tread very, very carefully.

More directly?
A little while later, after all hanging out at an activity, girl is off flirting with this guy. (The guy works there). I mention to her boyfriend, “Um, don’t want to be the one to tell you this, but about your girlfriend – ”
Him, “I don’t want to hear it about my girlfriend.”
I gave up.

Anna:  Another example of a direct, last-ditch effort warning:
“Your fiance propositioned my husband last time he saw her, and flashed your best friend on Skype. She claims to be a sex addict on her blog. You’re a strong Christian and I know you don’t want to end up divorced. Hubs and I think she’ll have trouble staying faithful. She needs a lot more counseling if you still intend to marry her.”

Him, “She’s in a good church and has a great mentor. Does Hubs want to be a groomsman?”

Me: *facepalm*

Athol:  So that got me thinking.

(1) Have you ever warned someone not to get married? If so, why?

(2)  Did someone warn you not to get married… and turned out they were right?

Love to hear your answers in the comments.


  1. Oh holy frack, did I try to warn the guy who married my ex-best friend. No, no, she’s a sweetheart, she’d never to that to me, blah blah blah. Yeah, she invites me to a 3some a month after they get married to “surprise” him. I decline, she accuses me of ruining her marriage. We are no longer friends . . . though I still keep in touch with her ex-husband.

    My husbands grandfather said to me, a few months before we got married “You seem like a smart girl and you’re definitely a looker, why would you want to get involved with this family?” Oh, and his parents offered me money to not get married about a week after we eloped. I’m thinking there should have been signs.

  2. Single Girl says:

    I’m going to try to summarize as succinctly as possible.
    1. I met him on a dating website and we found that we are better off friends than dating. (He prefers dumb blondes, I’m a smart brunette)
    2. He met her on the same website. She is definitely the dumb blonde but wily, like a fox.
    3. They dated, moved in together. She made him friend-dump me because he and I met on the same site as where she met him. Well, ok then.
    4. She is on antibiotics and birth control. She gets pregnant. They try to make it work but she’s a lazy git and he expected some sort of…work and contribution to the household.
    5. He pops back up in my life, she’s nuts, he tells me how nuts. I tell him to bail. He does.
    6. They get back together, she demands friend-dumping. He dumps me. She gets stupid again, he is friends with me again.

    I have to say that the key here is that what irritates him the most is her irresponsibility (can’t keep a job, does little around the house), her disrespect (goes out with friends and gets drunk and one time, I had to drive up to watch their daughter while he hunted her down because she was about 12 hours late–overnight–getting their daughter and when he found her, she was STILL drunk), and ultimately, her betrayal, she found a guy (her physical trainer), connected with him, gave my friend the cold-shoulder while living together, he dumps her and she immediately moves in with the new guy, who is ultra-Christian (she claimed they were NOT having sex ever). She plays along for a while with going to church with the new guy but ends up in the bed of my friend occasionally.

    7. My friend moves away. She somehow, with her magical vagina, works him back into not only forgiving her, he proposes. Last week, I got an email saying he mentioned me casually in conversation with her and she went off the rails and demanded another friend-dumping.

    The funny thing is, I’m not really a grudge-holder so I sort of get his position and I don’t really hold it against him, but all this stuff, I’ve told him repeatedly she’s NUTS but in the end, he has to live with her Crazy, not me, so my response to his last email was “gotcha, take care.” He is the male version of me. Smart, somewhat jaded, domineering in personality; no bullshit, upfront type of person and yet he is now married to this woman. All I can do is hope for the best. After all the long conversations and picking apart of her foibles, there is little else to do but to wait for him to email me and tell me he wants to divorce her and him asking me to forgive him for what he did.

  3. Several of my buddies and I warned my best friend not to marry a gal that was actually locked up for being crazy. What was real significant wasn’t that his buddies were warning him, but that even though he was the best thing that could have ever happened to her, HER friends were warning him that she was completely crazy and that she would ruin his life.

    We were all correct

  4. 4 years ago, after months of flirting, I decided to give a girl a kiss, a good kiss, a passionate kiss, on the spur of the moment. I was sleeping with her within two weeks. I had just left a bitchy girlfriend, and the new girl was still with an uber-beta guy but pulling away fast. She told me while we were destroying her bedroom that she didn’t even like the way he smelled. We are both fitness instructors and it was like driving a Ferrari with the lights off and the gas pedal pushed to the floor.

    Then – disaster. My ex-girlfriend found out about her, called her and told we were still together and that I was two-timing her, claimed I had VD and a sexual offender past – every vile lie you can imagine. Backed it up convincingly. Of course, utterly untrue.

    New girl wouldn’t talk to me, instead ran back to beta, “confessed” and begged forgiveness, and he proposed to her on the spot. She accepted.

    After a month, when I was finally able to have a real conversation with her, and clear away the BS, she told me even if it wasn’t all true, she needed someone she could “trust.” She also told me she was moving very soon. She ended up getting an appointment to University as an associate professor (newly minted PhD) in another state, and her husband-to-be quit his job and found a new one in the same city.

    I tried every way possible to get her to realize that marrying a man who does nothing for you sexually and doesn’t even smell good to you was a guaranteed epic failure in the making. Didn’t matter, she claimed she would “find her passion” in other aspects of her life. She would have a man she could trust. And hadn’t he proven his character by taking her back, no questions asked?

    Now fast forward to fall 2012. I have had the most outrageous, fun, sexy, and extended texting/sexting episode of my life with her, starting this summer, after she started hard-flirting with me. She doesn’t sleep with her husband – she admitted to him two months ago she loves me and always has – and he STILL sticks around and plays Happy Family. Never a word about it since.

    I can tell you that this very pretty, ripped, now 30 y.o. woman did NOT “find her passion” in other aspects of her life. I provide, as far as I know, her only sexual outlet. And that is a mild one indeed. She will divorce or grow bitter…but she still can’t face that.

    Bottom line: You can’t convince a woman with logic to change a decision made with emotion.

  5. @Single Girl
    It sounds as though *you* need ti dump *him*!

  6. If you tell a man who has already invested much in a relationship, to the point of planning marriage, that he has good reason not to marry his woman, it is likely too late. There is strong psychology at work there that is difficult to overcome, especially if he doesn’t have (or doesn’t believe he has) other options.

  7. I was friends with my ex and his new partner for some time until one random afternoon he came over to borrow my jumper leads and asked me for a head job “for old times sake”. I still can’t erase the image of him standing in my kitchen with his dick hanging out of his zipper and a filthy grin on his face. Anyway, having been cheated on before i thought about it, realised i didn’t care if the friendship with him was lost and told his fiance about the proposition to help her avoid marrying the guy. She was devastated, cried, married him anyway. I hear through the grapevine she’s since found used condoms in the toilet after staying at her parents place the night. Tried to warn her…

  8. So with my first wife I was warned by several people. My best friend, my parents, some of my buddies at work. I sure wish I had listened. It was with her I came up with my “one strike” rule. While we were dating she moved in with me. At the time I was in the Navy, and while I was out at sea for 3 months she packed up and left. I came home from sea to an empty apartment. I got mad, was a wreck for weeks, and a buddy suggested taking martial arts, which really helped get my head in a better space. Oddly the whole process was similar to the MAP, 20 years before I’d ever heard of it. After about a year she comes back. Begs me to take her back, and like an idiot I did. Shortly before she came back I volunteered for an overseas duty rotation in Italy, I told her and she says she will follow me anywhere. I like a sucker believed it. She hated the place we moved to, but tolerated it. Eventually she got used to me being gone at sea, and actually enjoyed the two paychecks with only one of us around to spend the money. I was injured while on patrol, and wound up getting discharged. She couldn’t handle me being around full time. We fought all the time, but occasionally we did have sex. One day she gets knocked up. It gets worse. We get divorced. I never should have taken her back. My friends and family counciled me, but like a dumbass I didn’t listen. This is when I developed the one strike rule. My current wife knows of this rule, obviously hates the idea. She once said “oh, but honey, you would make an exception for me, right?” I looked her right in the eye and said “nope”. I may have been born yesterday, but I stayed up late last night. If they walk out on you once, they will do it again, and lose respect for you each time. People should listen to their trusted friends and family. If they say someone is bad news, odds are they are right. Especially if its all of them saying it. Wise man listens. I wish I had been wiser.

  9. RedPillAlready says:

    One of my closest friends (who was a girl, incidentally) told me a number of times, including on my wedding day, like 3 minutes before showtime, that I shouldn’t marry my (now) wife. Of course I was mad at this friend at the time. But she was right and I had a shitty, miserable, sexless marriage for the past 6 years.

    …And then my wife cheated on me.

    To anyone in a similar situation I would say: trust your friends. I think they can sometimes see what you (in your dopamine stupor) cannot. Of course, if you’re in a dopamine stupor, you’ll probably just be mad at the friend for saying such things… but do *try* to listen.

    (For the record, post-affair things with my wife have been significantly better. I’m still being very cautious, but it’s possible that the fallout of the affair may have shaken the bat-shit lose).

  10. 2manypasswords says:

    I told my best friend from HS that getting engaged to his 19 year-old girlfriend was a terrible idea. He’d dated her for only 2 months, and it was right after he’d gotten out of a 6-year relationship which ended with lots of drama. She was too immature. She dumped him a short while later.

    So what does my friend do? Six months later, he’s engaged to someone he’d been dating for only a few months, lol! At least she was older and more mature. They’re still together, though 98.5% of women would have dumped him by now (extreme blue pill, I may post the story on the forum sometime).

  11. Incognit0 says:

    A sort of lady friend (girlfriend’s best friend, I can stand her) of mine is someone I would strongly suggest to anyone I know not to marry. She’s just too unstable to be in a relationship, and there’s too high a chance she’ll cheat on someone. Like Athol, and my dad said, ‘don’t put your dick in crazy’.
    She was flirting with an engaged co-worker, for example, and you wouldn’t believe how much overtime her hamster does.

  12. AlmostAnonymous says:

    Anna’s warning was very good and was almost blunt.

    I’d have tried, “she’s a complete slut and will cheat on you before the year is through. If you think you’ve had kids with her, get a DNA test done”.

    Men in “love” (lust) have a magical ability to overlook the most obvious defects, flaws, warning signs, screaming klaxons of doom, etc.

    1/ yes, because I knew she would put everyone else before her husband. She did and they are now divorced.

    2/ yes, and yes.

  13. AlmostAnonymous says:

    To clarify, after experiencing #2 first hand, I learned to pay attention.

    When I was told by my friend that she wasn’t right for me, I was unable to hear what he was saying. I could hear the words, but I knew they didn’t apply to me.

    Afterwards, I listened to every opinion he had about my later girlfriends. When I was serious, he’d give his opinion and I’d listen. One day, he said “marry her”. That was 15 years ago, and aside from some blue pill unpleasantness, things have been good.

    Guys, pay attention to your friends and family.

  14. I think some people get defensive about being warned like this. I’ve known and seen people in that situation, who were warned. Not one (that I could see) ever stopped and sincerely said, “Gee, thanks, you’re right. I guess I CAN’T pick my spouse. I guess I have terrible judgement, and should just stop and take the advice of someone who doesn’t know this person as well as I do.”

    That’s not what the person doing the warning means at all, but that’s how it’ll be read. Never mind that sometimes a person’s behaviour can be better read from a slight distance, without emotional/sexual connections clouding their judgement. Sometimes a person’s defensiveness can make a person *more* likely to steam on ahead, regardless of the doubts they’re probably having.

    I warned a (former) very close friend, and I wouldn’t do it again. It was pretty direct, to be fair. “I know you love him, but I know some of his exes. He treated them appallingly. I think he’ll do the same to you. You should at least move slower.” She just got defensive, went on full throttle, distancing herself from me except to tell me how awesome he was. Oh, and she told him what I’d said, so he apparently forbade me from their place. It later turns out he’d been hitting her and cheating on her.

    Now, she’s one of those people who tends to completely immerse herself in relationships, to the detriment of the rest of her life and her relationships, so this might well have happened anyway. But warning her did no good, and it seemed to drive her to get closer to him. It probably would have been better if I’d backed off and allowed her to come to me with her doubts, without the blow to her pride of having to say, “I think I was wrong”. (That’s not what the people warning you mean; but that seems to be what they feel.)

    A question I’d have is: Has anyone here been warned off, and actually taken that warning?

  15. Well, they did get married. My warning to him wasn’t a surprise, nor was it the only warning he got. He knew about both those incidents. She probably went sobbing to him to confess her “relapse” and beg forgiveness.

    Immediately after they married, she adopted an enormous dog he hates and forced him to buy an overpriced house. When his brother graduated from college, she forced him to cancel the plane ticket because she couldn’t stand to be alone for a weekend. They’ve cut off all contact with us, and Friend and Husband used to be reasonably close. I concluded that like a spider, she mated with him and then ate him. It’s easier to mourn his ‘passing’ than to be mad at a crazy girl.

  16. I’ve seen this happen many times, to the point that I decided if my friends and family didn’t like a guy I was involved with, well, I might not automatically break up with him, but I would carefully consider their concerns.

    @Liz said ‘“Gee, thanks, you’re right. I guess I CAN’T pick my spouse. I guess I have terrible judgement, and should just stop and take the advice of someone who doesn’t know this person as well as I do.” That’s not what the person doing the warning means at all, but that’s how it’ll be read.’

    Exactly! I think it’s possible to have this sort of conversation, but you have to approach it with great caution and be very careful not to offend the recipient’s pride. Even then, though, they probably won’t listen, unless they are already having doubts and just need a nudge or an excuse.

  17. “(2) Did someone warn you not to get married… and turned out they were right?”

    Yes, my father did.

    Actually, his advice was that a man should not get married until he is 40.

    Of course, he was such a miserable bastard that I took everything he said and did, and assumed that the best plan was to do the exact opposite. But on this point, he turned out to be more right than wrong. His point was that you need to be financially stable first, then add a wife to your life. Being married and broke is no way to go through life.

    He was one of those guys who was alpha as fuck, when it came to other men. Played football, went to military school, was a leader in his fraternity, enjoyed masculine hobbies and interests — a man’s man, through and through.

    But when it came to marriage, he blew it. He wanted someone like his mother (an old-school, dyed-in-the-wool, honest feminine woman, who supported her husband loyally and fully until his death), but what he married was a feminist — funny, outrageous, witty, a little crazy, fun to be around, who (as they got older) turned bitter, withdrawn, cynical, helpless, rage-aholic, fully-crazy, a wannabe “free spirit” artist who was disloyal on more than one occasion.

    For some reason I never understood, he failed to be the man in the marriage, despite the fact he was a masculine man in every other area of his life, where he had no trouble with hierarchical authority. He was angry at my mother for not getting a job, while we were kids, to “help the family.” As though it were her place to earn money! As though they were equals! He bought into the feminist dogma about women being equal earners, and both putting their money into the family joint checking account, and mutually deciding how to best spend it for the family’s benefit. And when she didn’t, he was furious, and she resented him for it, and then resented her lack of affection, and round and round they went.

    After I took the Red Pill, the “equal earners” fantasy was one of the first things that went out the window! I assumed full responsibility for earning all the money. In this economy, it’s been a real bitch, and I haven’t made nearly what I expect of myself, but at least the terms and expectations of my marriage have been properly established.

  18. Single Girl says:

    @Bob, nah, as I said, I’m not a grudge-holder and I can respect the fact that he needs to put his family first and try to maintain peace in his household. It’s somewhat cowardly, but in the end, he’s the one who has to live with her, not me, so I would not be the one tortured daily. *shrug*

  19. My wifes best friend tried to warn me before marrying her. Said it wasnt about me, she just wanted a escape from her ex and wanted a baby.. I ask my then fiance, about why HER best friend would tell me this.
    She said, that it was obvious her friend just wanted me and was trying to break us up and we would never talk to her best friend again. A month after wedding, she became pregnant and off we went…

    Fast forward 5 yrs, and the wife wont let go of her ex still and after the baby was born has never been the same and acts as if she could care less about our relationship..

    I should have listened…

  20. In *every* case where I’ve seen a marriage go horribly wrong, either the (relatively) sane one was given fair warning by friends and relatives, or they married hastily. Or both.

    Case studies:
    1. Friend#1 in GA engaged to man from WA. They met in GA. He latched on her immediately. He showered her with presents, expensive dinners, nights out on the town, and proposed after about 3 weeks. He put pressure on her to marry him ASAP, even suggested they elope (’cause it’s more romantic, he said). Basically, he was eager to marry without introducing her to his family in WA. Sure it’s expensive to fly back there, but Friend’s Dad was willing to pay for the airfare. Fiance declined. Friend’s family said her fiance’s a creep. He’s trying too hard to act nice. The fact that her fiance didn’t want her to take the time to get to know him and his family put them off, too. Anyway, the weekend before the wedding, fiance’s whole family arrived in GA. Fiance’s sister gets friend alone and says, “My brother’s a monster. Please don’t marry him”. Friend married him anyway because he was the only man who had shown her so much love and attention. They divorced about 10 months later. He dropped the mister nice guy act after the honeymoon and started using his new wife as a punching bag. Then he was caught having unprotected sex with a prostitute.

    2. Husband’s best friend–let’s call him Lee–is a great guy personally, but unattractive physically. He’s short and chronically ill. He’s pursued by a very attractive girl–let’s call her Big-Boobed Blonde (BBB). She’s by far the best looking girl who’s ever shown an interest in Lee. Maybe this should have been a clue? That and the fact that she was 5 months pregnant with another man’s child. Anyway, BBB says she wants to put her druggie, trailer park trash past behind her and be a traditional wife in a happy family. She claims to have found Jesus. Lee is so kind, that he bonds with the baby (that’s not his), and he proposes marriage. Anyway, everyone–myself included–told Lee that BBB was not wife material. Lee’s mother even got on her knees and literally begged him not to marry this sleezebag. He did anyway because he loved her and the baby. 2 years and one more kid later, it’s over. BBB in fact did not want to put her past behind her, she just wanted a chump to finance her drug habit. Oh yeah, even though she had an arrest record and witnesses who testified that she was physically abusive, she still got custody of the children. The judge ordered her to attend parenting classes. This was my first bitter taste of the Red Pill. She lost custody eventually. However, the psychological damage inflicted on the children was terrible. 20 years later, the older kid, who can remember everything, still has issues.

    These are just two examples of many.

    The lesson here:

    1. If you have reliable people in your life who care for you, LISTEN to them if they warn you about someone.

    2. Think twice if your honey’s own family say to stay away.

    3. Take your time. Meet a person’s friend’s and family. Hang out with them. LISTEN to them.

    Basically, you can fall in love again. You can also cancel the caterers, return the ring and call everybody to say the wedding’s off. But you can’t as easily undo physical or psychological damage inflicted on yourself or your children by a scumbag.

  21. Before I got married it was my fiancé that was warned by at least 2 of her friends that I was a domineering asshole, and she should not marry me. But by that time she had been angling for me to ask her for months. I almost think the warnings made me more attractive to her. I was in full alpha asshole mode back then, which after marriage I dialed down too much, hence I’m here getting my balance.

  22. Oh how I wish I had found your blog long ago.

    First marriage: My best friend warns me not to get involved with this she devil. I’m 22 and blow the warning off. There follows a 16 year abusive relationship. Four kids who are also abused. Divorce and X that promptly alienates the kids from me. A court system that enables the abuse.

    Second: Why? I hadn’t found this blog yet and still didn’t get it. Future father in-law tries to warn me. I didn’t see what he was getting at. Future wife seems perfectly sane and reasonable. Turns out she is hiding her psychosis. Winds up going to visit her dad and never returns all because I made a concerted effort to try to keep our marriage from self destructing by communicating what I felt was wrong and what I needed out of the marriage. Instead of discussing this she bails because she was afraid of hurting my feelings during the discussions. Luckily, I had decided I was done having kids so at least I had learned that lesson. Didn’t find your blog until that marriage was over.

    There won’t be a third marriage. I’ve also given up the idea of having a girl friend and instead I have three. This one-itis thing I had was a killer. The whole propaganda media blitz about finding “The one”, is complete bullshit. That you must have “The one” to be happy is such a poisonous idea.

    I try to warn off my future son-inlaw. Of course he doesn’t listen. Daughter is Bi-polar just like her mother and in some ways behaves worse. Daughter is just out of high school. Turns out both have drug issues. So the fucked up shit continues into the next generation.

    Getting married is more than about just you and her or vice versa. You are tying your family and genes together. So if she has bad genes, like my first X, those genes are going down the line to your children. You have to think past love and worry about your descendants. And for the love of the gods, teach your children that they have to think about the consequences of what they do. My really bad decision to marry my first X will be echoing down the generations to come.

  23. @Liz: A question I’d have is: Has anyone here been warned off, and actually taken that warning?

    Yes. When I was 18 years old, I was engaged. This was only the second guy I’d ever dated. We got engaged after we’d dated for a month. He swept me off my feet. No other guy had ever shown me that much attention.

    (This is a common theme in many bad relationships I’ve seen. The abused is swept off their feet by someone who showers them with attention and professions of true love in a whirl wind courtship. Then the abuser gradually shows their true colors after the trap is set. Beware of people who come on strong and want to marry ASAP.)

    Anyway, my Mom and Dad told me he was too controlling, and likely to become abusive. My friends said they hated him because he was a big attention whore. They also said he was very immature, which was funny considering they were 16-19 years old and he was 23. My best friend said he was the worst drama queen (king?) she’d ever met.

    He wanted to elope after we’d been together 2 months, but I held off because I wanted to give him a chance to become friends with everyone. I thought he was just misunderstood and that everyone would learn to love him if they just got to know him better.

    Well, after about 3 more months, during which he became gradually more controlling and cruel, he finally crossed the line. He took offense at something one of my friends said, and proceeded to cuss me out for about half an hour. Seriously, he was screaming, swearing, flailing around red in the face for a full, damn HALF-HOUR at least. Never seen anything like it before or since. Gave me a litany of all the times my friends and family had offended him–some real, some imagined–then said it would be best if we moved away so he could get me away from their bad influence. At this point, I realized he was everything my family and friends had said. I broke up with him shortly thereafter.

    The only saving grace was that I didn’t have sex with him. I was a virgin, and he liked the idea of keeping me pure until our wedding night. I shudder to think that if I’d crossed that line, I would have bonded to him, and it would have been harder to dump him <<>>.

    Seriously, folks, listen to your loved ones. They care for you, and unlike you, aren’t handicapped by love-goggles for your boyfriend or girlfriend.

    Epilogue: I got married eventually, to an amazing man who *took his time* to get to know me and my family. We’ve been together 21 years.

  24. offtopic for a moment:
    Lowkey said: So if she has bad genes, like my first X, those genes are going down the line to your children.

    Have any of you thought about that in a potential partner? “Is this person going to pass down good genes to my kids?”

    No need to answer, but it’s something I’ve always thought about, but never heard anyone else mention it before quite so succinctly.

  25. Sure, I advised a good college friend not to marry his college girlfriend once we’d graduated, because she was frequently nasty to him, and I perceived him as profoundly unhappy at having to change his style to suit her whims. Sixteen years later, they’re still married, apparently quite happy, and have 3 kids. In retrospect, I guess I was the stupid/naive one.

  26. I was told after I married that most wouldn’t give it 6 months. It was a whirlwind courtship with a military life beginning. Most marriages around us failed, but we are still going strong 22 years later. The first two years were hard since we were so very, very young. I credit my husband for getting us through the first two years. I had no idea what a healthy marriage looked like from my crazy family. Commitment really did get us through the tough times, but we have a 1.0 marriage.

  27. Trimegistus says:

    I have a younger male friend who’s likely heading for a disaster. His fiancee isn’t crazy; at least not that I’ve seen. But she’s not attractive, doesn’t do anything around the house, doesn’t earn as much as he does, and doesn’t seem interested in having kids. His mom, his grandparents, and various others are simply not impressed with her and think he could do a lot better — he’s good-looking, has a great job, and is a smart and pleasant fellow.

    My personal prediction is that in about five years he’s going to cheat on her with someone younger and hotter. I hope they don’t have kids by then.

  28. Oh yeah. My sister. She says, “I’ve met this guy and he is soooo amazing!” I meet the guy, and my first instinct is, “ugh,” and it went all downhill from there. Lazy, self-centered, obnoxious, thinks everything he says is hilariously entertaining. After 8 years of on-off, living together, she announces she’s done. They are breaking up. Yay! We congratulate her and give her support. Two months later, we’re awful, unsupportive, and “never gave him a chance.” Oooookaaaaayyyyy. Four months later, he’s moved back in, a baby is on the way, and they get married (in that order) against all advice. Two years later, after she’s been both the breadwinner and full-time domestic caretaker (he golfed), she expresses incredulity that he hasn’t become “responsible for anything” and just “hangs around the house”, kicks him out, they’re divorcing.

    As for me, my mother met a guy I had recently started dating. She said, “you’re going to marry this one.” I laughed it off. Nine years of wonderful marriage and 2 kids later, momma was right…

  29. @Dee, lucky escape!

  30. Killa Hertz says:

    I failed to warn my ex-best friend’s fiance before they married, because she was my best friend and I was happy that she had finally found a really great guy, the “one bright spot” after a loooooot of awful sleazeballs. A few months after the wedding, and pretty much as a result of said wedding, she friend-dumped me for no reason that she could explain. I now regret terribly not warning that poor guy. He’s such a sweetheart, and although I can’t get ahold of him anymore (suspect she’s monitoring his email, phone, etc.) I know he’s in for hell. I just hope he wises up and divorces her sooner than later.

  31. My mother took her father’s advice no to marry a guy (his parent’s were sleazeballs; his older brothers already had criminal records). She told me the story when I was in grad school. My dad was an engineer with Michigan Bell, the other guy was a VP there. She didn’t love my father (until he cared for her as she died of brain cancer); and since I was the first born, she didn’t love me. It was over 23 years after her funeral before I forgave her and visited her grave.

  32. Flaming Man of Iron says:

    I think some of what has been hinted at is that the person being warned was already having sex with the terrible future spouse. Once people are getting chemically bonded and tons of hormones coursing through their body, it pretty much is too late.

    Two things that I’d love to know about these stories are:

    1.) What was the relative sex rank of the person being warned to the bad future spouse?

    2.) How many bad experiences had they had before?

  33. Many tried to warn me about my ex. He never stopped doing drugs. Fortunately I didn’t have kids with him, and I was 25 when I woke up and left, partially because he confessed he had been lying to me for years. I was with him from 17-25, and tried to leave multiple times, but he threatened suicide, and I was young and stupid.

    Anyway, I read something very wise about choosing a husband: don’t get married to a man unless you would be proud to have a son just like him. Now I am married to such an amazing man. We got engaged in 6 months and married a little over a year after we first met. I want our son to grow up to be like daddy.

    Same applies to wife selection, I would think.

  34. I was warned by several people not to marry my wife. I ignored them and all the red flags. I really wish I would have listened to those people that were close to me.

  35. Passing Stranger says:

    “Bottom line: You can’t convince a woman with logic to change a decision made with emotion.”

    Truer words were never spoken.
    I’ve advised two women not to get (or stay) involved with the men they were with. I’ve said “If your best friend told you her situation, and it was everything you just told me, what would you advise her to do?” And she said “Oh, I’d tell her to throw him out…but in my case, I really think I need to work harder at the relationship and try to make it work.”
    I used to be a white knight, until I realized that princesses will run right back to the dragon.

  36. One of my ex-wife’s friends told me she was just all about money. And a week or 2 before the marriage ceremony, I sensed this kind of victorious attitude in her (hard to explain, that) which made me think I should cancel. Turned out I was right, but took 5 yrs to divorce. We had a baby, too. I had the foresight to keep my finances separate and I documented her bad behavior – result is I kept primary possession of my daughter and only lost 10% of my net worth to her in divorce.

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